faderift | all of nature wild & free

She stands with a basket at the entrance of his tent. For all the warm sunshine and the brightness that comes with blue skies and green leaves and flowers blooming, the atmosphere around Skyhold has been miserable and wintery in some corners. It's only to be expected, really, when people lose someone important to them.

Quietly, she knocks on the nearest surface we can reach that'll provide a satisfactory knock. "Anders, is now an okay time?"

Her voice is gentle, and in her hands she holds a basket with a white cloth dropped over whatever's in it.

The voice is a little bit of a surprise. He's not sure why Ruby would be visiting... but it's not an unwelcome surprise. Anders glances over what he's wearing, makes sure Purrelden hasn't gotten herself tangled in anything, and only then responds.

"Of course. Come on in. Are you all right?" The tent gets a little straightening, small embroidered pillow tossed back on the bed from his little desk as he frowns at the papers he has all over said desk. It's not as orderly as he'd like it, but it's been a rough few weeks.

"I'm fine." Quick, though her voice stays soft. Calm, really, though empathy sneaks in along the edges of it and makes it more than just calm.. Calming, an optimist might say. She just hopes it isn't-- something. Annoying? Condescending?

"I just wanted to check in. I heard about your friend, Hercules," and she pauses, then, a complicated sort of expression on her face. "In my world, sometimes when people lose someone you try to help by bringing food. Like a comfort thing or just so they have one less thing to worry about, you know?"

Ruby glances down at the basket and feels markedly ridiculous. "I brought you this, but um. Mostly I just wondered how you're holding up? And if you need anything."

He looks up from the desk with a little surprise on his face. Kindness isn't really something he expects from most people he knows well, to get it from someone he's only acquainted with takes him a moment to wrap his head around.

"I... Thank you." Anders gestures at the chair near his desk, taking a seat on the bed. "Did you know him? He deserves to be known. He's... He was a good man. A good leader." And he's a little nervous about how Blackwall doesn't talk when the Wardens are together, doesn't let anyone know what he's thinking. Is Blackwall regretting joining them? If he leaves, then Teren's in charge, and she's... aloof. Anders doesn't know what she's thinking either. They may be in for a difficult transition here, as if his head isn't a mess already.

"He saved my life, you know." And then it clicks that she asked a question. "And I think I need better focus. That would help a great deal."

Before she sits, Ruby takes a step closer to rest the basket down on the bed beside him. There is the thin cheesecloth, but underneath there's a trio of large fruit pies. Blueberry, to the skilled sniff-tician; the benefit of being the field so much is that you get some bartering power when there's a chance for you to pick up this or that weirdly specific thing the cooks want, whether its Orlesian rose liqueur or some truffle that only grows in some ultra remote part of the Hinterlands. Along with the pies there's some cheese and biscuits and apples - nothing amazingly fancy, but nice food. Comfort food, really.

And then she does sit, and her smile is bright and sad at the same time. "We never met. I heard about him from Merrill, once or twice." The pause isn't awkward, but Ruby's trying to weight up her words before she speaks further. "Would it-- help to talk about things, or do you prefer not to?"

Her brow furrows a little, trying to unravel a way to help and finding herself coming up sort.

He doesn't face loss directly. Loss, pain, deeper complications, he works hard to leave them behind whether it's by running or joking around. Even using it to fuel righteous outrage has been easier than approaching matters, though he's finding that far more difficult now than it was simply a week ago.

"I don't... I don't know." Purrelden, curious about the scents coming from the basket, wiggles her way out from under the bed and starts climbing up Anders' leg. Anders absently scoops her up and cradles her, keeping her from wriggling out of his grasp to investigate further. "Most of the people I've lost I've had to seem fine about, simply to survive. Showing weakness, showing connection when you're a mage, before the Circles came down..."

He shakes his head. "My life has been survival for well over two decades. When I manage to... to turn it off, to stop and live, people get hurt. So maybe we should talk of pie and I should put this to the side too."

"Well, the offer stands. If you need to just talk or anything, all you need to do is call. I know you don't really know me, or anything, but sometimes just having someone to talk to that doesn't have all the baggage that comes with knowing someone can help, you know?"

There is a window to move on, and she'll let him take it, she just needed to say that, first. Needed to make it clear. "I understand the survival thing a little. Not the same, nothing like, but a little." Her smile is sympathetic - not quite weary. She won't let it be that. This isn't about her.

"We can definitely talk about pie, though. They, um-- I asked them to put a griffon on top of them, but they kind of look more like squashed spiders." A little wince, comical more than pained. "Maybe you guys can look into a new sigil, I don't know. It could be a great new look."

He might be just another person to her, rather than Anders, and that does have some promise. It would have more if he didn't think she had interest in Adelaide, because that's a whole mess he doesn't have the brain to deal with.

"Thank you," is what he says to the offer, before looking down at the basket and switching Purrelden to just one arm so he can twitch the covering cloth to the side. A little smile comes to his face as he sees what's there.

"The desk behind you has clean plates and forks, under the, uh," he points with his chin, "papers right there, if you'd not mind getting them. And I think we'll pass on the squashed spiders look. It could give people ideas we don't like, and I'm fond of the griffons. Especially as we found some."

Something good did come out of the chaos up north. It's more of a relief than he can say. "Have you seen them yet?"

"Probably the wise choice. I'm not sure many people could carry off the squashed spider motif," she agrees, smile brightening just a little as she stands and steps towards the desk, carefully lifting and shifting the paper so as not to disturb the order or make anything on his desk hard to find with the shift. "Bingo."

Plates, forks: acquired.

"I've seen them from a distance. I figured they probably had enough people checking them out, so I thought I'd give them some space." She tilts her head to the side, thinking, and moves closer. "You got them at-- Weisshopped? Weisshopt? I'm still learning the place names, sorry." What is even Weiss-something?

She can't think of it for the life of her, and holds out a plate for Anders with a rueful kind of smile. "Really making an awesome impression with my solid grasp for your world and your order."

"Thank you," he says before pulling a sheathed knife out of his boot and using it to cut the pie, giving her an amused smile at her failure to pronounce the name.

"Weisshaupt," Anders corrects with the proper accent. "Weiss, head, haupt, knows. Place of leadership and knowledge, essentially, for the Grey Wardens." A beat. "...Or it was. We'll see what it's to become in the future. A great many things are in flux right now."

The amusement fades out of his expression as he finishes talking and uses one of the forks she'd retrieved to put a slice of pie on each. A thick slice of the cheese soon follows, and he takes one of the plates with another nod.

"Some of the changes are for the best, at least. There's comfort to be found in that. And some of them are... complicated. But if you'd like to learn more I can perhaps shed some light, depending on the topic."

"Weisshaupt." Still not right. A little frown tugs at the corner of her mouth, and she tries it again, slowly, but very precisely. "Weisshaupt. Got it." Mostly. She'll just have to quietly (internally) repeat it every so often for the next while until she can say it without it sounding strange.

Yeah, go figure. The fairy tale character struggles with Germanic sounding words. She thinks it's dumb, too.

"Flux I get. More than is probably easy to say." Dark Curses sure did make for a whole lot of flux. Still, her tone is sympathetic rather than condescending. "I think... I mean, change is scary for sure, but I think you're right. Just because it's new doesn't mean it's bad. I mean, even with the Dark Curse-- the whole memory loss thing I mentioned, before? That had some silver linings for some of us." A musing hum, and then she offers, "how about we trade? I ask you something, you ask me something? Either way, I would like to know your favourite memory of being in the Wardens."

That is not exactly the approach to learning the Wardens most would take, but hey. She's more interested in understanding the people, and the Wardens are kind of like a pack, in an odd kind of way. From the outside, even with the problems, it seems like it could be kind of nice, naive as she suspects the attitude might be. At least she has pie, even if she isn't... good at this.

The amusement grows as she continues to fail to say the name right.

"I'd tell you it's not that hard to say the word, but I'm biased. That's my native tongue. My poor, poor native tongue." It's easier to tease her when Adelaide isn't right there, when he doesn't have a very confusing mess of feelings going on.

"And my favorite memory of being in the Wardens..." He trails off and considers for a few moments before smiling faintly. "It was after we'd gotten back from a particularly nasty stint in the Deep Roads. The first really bad one for many. None of us were in a good mood; there'd been complications, a lot of injuries." Velanna's sister possibly enslaved to a Darkspawn.

"At first it was just quiet drinking, but then someone started singing. They weren't good, and Oghren told them so before he joined in. Now Oghren, you should know, had the worst singing voice I've heard in my life. Dwarf, drunk, not a care in the world what the tune or words should be, imagine that and you've got some of the picture. A few tables got shoved back, someone started pulling out instruments and I don't want to imagine where they'd been keeping those, and it turned into an impromptu... thing. Celebration of the fact that we were alive. It was the... It was the first time since I was very young that I felt like I belonged. That I had people." A family, though he can't really say the words. Now he has a family. The one that day had pretty much ignored what was going on that lead to him being forced out, though.

"For you, what's one that didn't go that well, but you wouldn't change even if you could?"

"Listen, that's not fair. I'm sort of American, and we're known for never, ever saying things right. Ever."

Poor native tongue, please. She rolls her eyes, all good humour and smiles and utmost suffering before she cuts off a piece of pie with the side of her fork and scoops it up. Ah, pie. Ultimate comfort food. As Anders speaks she can imagine the scene, or at least... She can imagine it in the context of her friends, and that just makes it resonate all the more.

Her smile softens, though, and there's a painful pang in her chest. Belonging was something that had always eluded her. Even when she was included she was an outsider, of sorts. Some ways were more significant and painful than others, but the end result was always that same longing. "That's pretty good," she agrees, gently. "I think I've known a dwarf a little like Oghren, from the sounds of it. Leroy's a real personality." And sort of an ass, but he's still her friend, and she couldn't say that about a friend.

"Oh, boy. That's... Easy to know and not easy to share without it sounding awful." Because it had been awful, but this whole thing was like a get to know you, trust sort of thing. Skirting around the truth wouldn't make it any less true. "I... I grew up believing my mother was dead, because that's what Granny always told me. After I found out about the Wolf, Snow and I were on the run - she was tryig to escape the Queen, and I was just... I was running from everything. What I am, especially. Anyway, while we were running, I was found by a Wolf Pack living deep in the Enchanted Forest." There's the slightest flicker of a smile. "The called themselves the Children of the Moon, but... they believed wolves were superior to humans. Snow accidentally lead some of the Queen's men to the den, and one of the pack was killed."

This is turning out to be a long story, and she smiles apologetically, nudging her pie around the plate with her fork. "My mother was the pack matriarch, and she declared Snow should die, and that sides had to be chosen. I--"

How does she say this?

"I... Accidentally killed my mother, stopping her from killing Snow. If changing that meant Snow would die, no way. Not for anything."

Phew. A little exhale, and a shaky smile. "So that's part of my tragic backstory," she adds, self-mocking, because if she... If she actually thinks about how that makes her feel she doesn't know how to keep talking. "Best friend you've made since joining the Inquisition? Ooh, and why."

He has no idea what American is. He'll have to bring it up sometime in the future and twist it around just for fun, but right now he's looking impressed that she knows a Dwarf as most worlds don't seem to have them for some reason, and then he's drawn into her story.

"Mm. I'm sorry." It's... definitely a difficult story, clearly, which means he's not going to comment about someone named Snow. Doubly so when he's called Anders. "And..."

Now they're into tricky territory, because there's one name that comes first to mind and he's never been good at hiding emotions.

"Adelaide." If he can keep it simple, maybe... except she asked why. Anders pokes his piece of pie with his fork before taking a bite, buying mere seconds for thought. They don't help. Out with it, then, while trying to keep his voice neutral.

"I was running from everything myself. It's not an uncommon theme in my life - I ran from the Circle seven times, I ran from an attempt on my life, etcetera." He ran from the shame of almost killing Ella, too. "For... about two years I was alone," Justice doesn't count, "before I came here. I arrived, resigned to helping for a short time and staying distant before my identity was discovered and I was killed."

He takes a breath. "And then I met her. And she showed me the first bit of kindness I'd seen in so long. She, she cared. And she was a spirit healer, the first I'd met in well over a decade. There's a... You feel other spirit healers. There's a draw. She..." It dawns on him that his voice isn't impartial in the least, and Anders absolutely refuses to look up from his pie. "Well. I didn't stay distant, and I didn't die. I'm not very good at planning."

A beat, and then he realizes he's supposed to ask a question. He scrambles for anything.

"If you could be any animal other than a wolf, what would you go for?"

Edited 2016-07-17 04:13 (UTC)

Oh.

There's teasing to be done, she's sure. Gentle elbowing, or something, a little nudge, that element of conspiracy. It feels, horribly inappropriately, like she's been hit hard in the chest, wind knocked out of her lung and a twist of something heavy and anxious settling in her gut. Feelings that make no sense, and even if they do make sense, feelings that she has no right to.

Nothing she has to say feels very appropriate. Adelaide's kinder than people give her credit for and she has that effect on people, huh? both feel oddly flippant, dismissive. She opts to answer his question first, because that's easier.

"I'm not sure. I mean, personally the idea of choosing to turn into anything is... weird? Like someone turning into a wolf by choice feels aboutas appropriate as someone deciding to turn into an elf, or something. Which is... it's not at all the same. The Wolf is just who I am though, so it feels wrong even if I know logically that it's not." Still, "not a predator. Something fast that can run, but without that... instinct, I guess. A horse, maybe." And her smile is self-deprecating, again. "That way someone could still braid my hair and I can still be useful."

Now a question should come, but it doesn't. Ruby pauses, and exhales slowly.

"Planning isn't always possible," she replies softly, leaning forward and setting a hand on his wrist. Her skin is a shade warmer than that of most humans, her hands callused from bowstrings and articing and the perils of waitressing.

"You should tell her, Anders."

Edited 2016-07-17 04:46 (UTC)

She starts answering and Anders manages to take a bite of his cheese, not really tasting anything. He knows she has at least a little crush on Adelaide, which is why he'd hoped to not show any of this. Maybe this can just blow over and they can move on. Laugh about... horses, or something. An upward glance shows him her smile, but then she stops. She stops and he knows this isn't going to pass by.

Anders takes a slow breath as he sets his pie off to the side. Her hand is definitely warm, and there's a thought in the back of his mind that he should check her for fever later. For now, though, there are other matters.

"Do you know who I am, Ruby? Have you heard what I've done?" Because that plays a huge role in the whole matter.

She withdraws her hand, then, giving him space rather than leaning away, and her smile is crooked. "I'm a rifter, sure, but I don't live under a rock." And when you habe the hearing of a wolf it can be impossible to avoid hearing.

Her expression grows more serious
"You did something terrible, and you're trying to atone. I'm kinda familiar with the basic concept." It could sound snarky; it does not. Only tired, empathetic.

"From what I've heard its no black and white. Things rarely are."

That covers everything enough for this conversation. He nods, appreciative for the lack of sarcasm, and then has to hastily grab Purrelden from shoving her face in his pie. She gets held close as he rubs under her chin to make up for not getting to dye herself blue.

"I came in under a false name. We... We had a moment, while I lived as someone else, and then she found out who I was. It hurt her. I hurt her." This conversation should probably mean the end of any hope of something working out somehow, really. That should feel better, that he might have closure. It doesn't. It makes his heart feel like lead in his chest. Ruby may have a clear path forward and it doesn't feel like he's straightening things out, only stabbing himself.

Now he looks up to meet her eyes. "She didn't help me with what I was working on recently because she felt something still, Ruby. She did it because she gave her word to a man who didn't exist. And now it is complete. There is..." It hurts to admit it. He doesn't even want to, and the slight hoarseness in his voice reflects that. "I can see no point to telling her."

Right about now Ruby would love to be hit with another Dark Curse. Nothing dire, you know, just that convenient happenstance of having your memories wiped.

Really this wasn't the worst awkward conversation she's ever had, and it wasn't even close to worst moments ever that happened as a result of her actions, but there is an uncomfortable mix of pain and mortification. (She remembers, as well, that telling Snow White about Rumpelstiltskin and his solutions for everything had been a terrible mistake and that when Snow removed her own memories and her love of David it had been horrible for everyone involved, so it's not a sincere feeling. It's just... wow, she wishes she was sipping margheritas on a beach right now instead of feeling like her lungs aren't doing so well at taking in air. She'd like to think that's a Ruby thing, but sometimes Red wonders if Ruby was maybe braver than Red.)

Her smile is a little crooked. "You'd be surprised how many people I've met using false names." Then again, Snow White had been on the run from a Queen trying to kill her and told Red that her name was false even as she gave it, David had been forced to act as Prince James to save a kingdom, and August couldn't exactly walk into a town of people under a curse and declare he was Pinocchio. "But I understand what you're saying."

Being a man who did what Anders had done, and telling someone he was someone else, another person entirely? That... that was unimaginable. Her gaze drops, and she shakes her head for a second, sliding her plate away. Her appetite has been thoroughly vanquished. "Any time you're both breathing there's hope." Her own voice is very quiet. "I betrayed someone I loved. I didn't even know I was doing it, but-- I believed he was the Wolf, and I convinced him. And Peter died because of what I did. I can't ever change that, but-- but even if you don't see a point, you can try to make it right. And you can be honest with her now, even if you weren't before."

Her wrists are turned upwards, pale, veins pressed against the skin. "But that said," she continues, raising her head a little, "this isn't any of my business. You don't need some stranger telling you what to do."

For several moments he watches her. He would have said it was her business. He'd seen her watching Adelaide. But maybe he's wrong? Maybe it had been something fleeting. She'd told him to talk to Adelaide, after all.

More than that, he'd promised Adelaide honesty. Or, he'd promised not to lie. That hasn't been broken in word, but in spirit? Is he being dishonest by not saying something? Everything he does tends to become a mess, and he's been trusting his own instincts in not telling Adelaide. Maybe Ruby's right.

"I thought..." She knows what she's talking about, and he knows the pain of losing someone he cared deeply about as well. Anders takes a breath. "I'm not sure we quite count as strangers anymore."

He'd told her to try to give himself closure and give her a sign of hope, and instead he's now in a mess. Anders reaches out and takes one of her hands.

"Thank you. I need to think about this before I do anything, but..." But they're still breathing. Hope is a difficult thing even at the best of times, but they are still breathing right now. "I'm sorry about Peter. If you'd... If you'd like to talk sometime, I'm here. I know a lot about losing people."

Her expression twists a little, just for a moment. Ruby is many things, but she's not a liar. She's not even an actor (and there is a very embarrassing advertisement that exists as testimony to that, which she is glad will never be known to anyone outside of Storybrooke.) It's almost a little flinch, the unhappy twist at the corner of her mouth that she presses down, wipes away with a smile. She can't do a lot of things, but she can always smile, and if she can't smile then she can at least try.

It was a crush, it was ridiculous, she'd get over it.

"Friends, maybe? I'm game if you are."

She's gotten so used to being alone. To being isolated, even when she was in the crowd with everyone else, even when she stood shoulder to shoulder with Snow and David against Regina she'd been different, separate. Chased from a village where she'd saved lives in the past because she was a monster, exiled from her pack for protecting humans. Ruby was a health risk in the lives of anyone she cared about. The people close to her had a terrible habit of winding up dead.

This was better. This was definitely better for everyone, even if it stings.

"It's okay." Her voice is strange, that odd mix of brightness and the rawness that undermines it, no matter how good someone is at pretending they're fine. "Peter was a long time ago. Talking won't change anything." She already knows she's a monster. She already knows that what she is is... repellent. Maybe that's the way it should be.

Her voice is strange, expression odd, and clearly things aren't okay. Is it Peter, that revelation, or Adelaide? He still can't talk about Karl without a great deal of emotion. Or it could be Adelaide, except she'd outright told him to tell her.

"I'm game for friendship. I like having more friends. But are you... Are you sure you're okay?" She'd said 'it's', but he's choosing not to differentiate here. "Sometimes talking does help. Sometimes it makes larger messes. I've been in both situations."

She looks to him, and for a moment her smile is openly sad, and she is so frustrated with herself for being so open. "I'm a monster, Anders. How I am doesn't really factor into anything."

It's brutal and it hurts, but it's true. She'd told Whale that she wanted to take advantage of her second chance, of the opportunity Regina had given them with Storybrooke, but... but the end result had still been that she was alone. She spoke to countless people every day at the diner, and yet she still felt isolated. Sometimes she just felt hollow. Part of her had been so relieved when Snow didn't fight her on the desire to go back to the Enchanted Forest, and sometimes--

Sometimes she wish Snow had at least tried to talk her out of it. Ruby suspects she might be doomed by her own volition and that she hurt herself more with other people's actions than they ever did.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

He meets her gaze and gives her hand a squeeze. "And you'll find a great many people in Skyhold who would call me one, Ruby. I even believed it for quite some time. So from one who most don't care about how they are to another, if you need to talk, I'm rather easy to find."

People look him in the eyes and tell him he should be dead with such scorn in their voice, as if it's a personal affront that he still draws breath. Others glare at him and act like children. Still others are worse and attack. There's a lot of pain to that, and he's never met someone who might feel similarly.

"But I won't push. You can take your time, or never speak at all. It's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon." Anders releases her hand.

"I'll keep that in mind." She says it kindly, gently, though her head feels like its overcrowded with white noise and trying to navigate her own thoughts isn't harder, exactly, but feels like she's doing it with a painful surge of adrenaline that she is trying to counter.

Still, Ruby smiles, because that's what Ruby does.

"Thank you, Anders." She's not sure how she could possibly take him up on it, but she appreciates it all same. And then, as he lets go, Ruby leans back and exhales a long breath. Conspiratorially, glossing over her own... Everything: "I thought I was meant to be making you feel better?"

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( closed ) Anders.

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