faderift | [Open] Tell me would you kill to save a life?

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[Open] Tell me would you kill to save a life?

WHO: Anders and, at last, fully open!
WHAT: Anders is back in Skyhold after the revelation and Warden mission
WHEN: Around mid-Drakonis
WHERE: around Skyhold
NOTES: It's Anders. Beyond that, if someone does swing for him, he will be defending himself or we can have a handy-dandy Warden NPC Joeth Smithicus step in, up to you!

1. The Healing Tents

He's more quiet than he was before as he works, trying to stay out of the way while still being available. The atmosphere isn't a pleasant one, and he knows there's a lot of anger, but how is he going to help out if he's sitting in the Warden camp all the time? Even more, how is he going to keep Justice in check if their hands are figuratively tied?

The fact of the matter is that staying somewhere safe where people don't loathe him isn't an option so he's here. He only wishes it wasn't putting a weight on the shoulders of someone he's directly hurt.

Whenever someone comes in he looks over, focusing on the fact that it's all right however many times he hears no as the answer to his question - "Can I help you?"

2. Wardentown

It's not the most glamorous setting, but the life of a Grey Warden rarely is. There had been nights at Vigil's Keep... but those are long gone, and now it's tents and fire pit and keeping snow from piling up.

a) Magic-

Anders is currently kneeling near the tent that he shares with Nate, working on creating a pair of small walls of earth - one around the tent, and another small, circular one nearby. Earth isn't something he struggles with, but keeping them level and not causing any extra dips in the surrounding ground is a challenge. His lips are pressed together as he works on precision, and an approach gets a sharp glance and no words, but he's not annoyed someone's come over. A moment later he'll raise an eyebrow, but he's not starting this conversation.

b) Kitten

No matter how many times he has to keep drying her off and warming her up, Hero of Purrelden doesn't want to stay in his lap today. She's insisting on pouncing on snowbanks, batting at ice, and attempting to climb tents. The latter she's pulled away from each time while protesting loudly, but there's a little smile on his face as she misbehaves. It's nice to have a cat again, no matter how much more difficult than Ser Pounce-a-lot she is.

"Still better than a mabari," he'll say to anyone who comes close.

c) Foraging

He's not alone, which sometimes puts him on edge, and sometimes makes him feel a little safer. All the same, Anders is in the area outside the Warden camp with another Warden, looking to see what foodstuffs can be found to add to the pot. They're not in danger of going hungry but it's best to be prepared and know what's growing out here. There's no telling how long the Wardens will be near Skyhold, after all.

There's also no telling who he'll run across out here, and he's more on edge and defensive due to the fact that he doesn't know how someone might react if they come across him when not anticipating that he might be around.

"Watch the snow back that way," is what he says, though, tilting his head in the direction he's come. "There's some hiding a nasty drop. I've marked it with stones." Let them react to that how they will.

3. Wildcard me!

[[ooc: Come at me bros! Skyhold, Warden camp, whatever. If you've got a question about a scenario, feel free to private plurk me @ Nadat or PM this journal.]]

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[Lately, Kain’s days have been filled with training and attempting to dodge the parrot that seems to have taken too much of a liking to him. He’s been able to start pushing himself more again, trying to get back up to speed before the next mission that comes up… Of course, that means he’s used up all his potions yet again. So he decides to ahead and stop by the healing tent while he's out this way.]

[He’s just planning to head in quickly, get what he needs and head right back out. That’s when he notices the familiar sight of the healer. He nods in his direction. Whatever he may have been told about Anders, his impression of him is nothing like all of that.]

Ah… Anders. My thanks again for the healing out in the Western Approach.

[He knows he can be... difficult, to healers, especially when he insists he's fine to run off and fight still... so he tries to be grateful later after the fact.]

[Anders gives Kain an amused smile as he nods.]

Kain. I appreciate thanks the most from the more challenging patients, I have to say.

[He looks the man over for any signs of pain or injury, but nothing stands out. Either Kain's uninjured, or it's minor. Good. Selfishly he's glad that Kain's not his next patient - people who are friendly are unsurprisingly very rare, and he'd like them to stay in good shape.]

Did you need something? Please tell me you're not hiding injury, especially as then that means you can do it well and you'll be more of a challenge in the future.

[Uh oh, he knows well that look from healers, and he shakes his head quickly to try and dispel any concern. Just to make sure it's clear. At least, he's not hiding anything this time around.]

No, I'm fine right now... but I did need to stock up on some potions. I've run out.

[He's just going to leave out how long he's gone without resupplying, because he can be sort of bad about remembering healing in general. He was always the most frustrating to deal with, to healers of his world, never resting or following their orders too well. But anyway, now that he's here around Anders... he's... sort of curious. About a lot of things. There are things that bother him on both sides of the matter, and which hit a little too close to home, strangely.]

Forgive me, I must ask while I'm here. Is it true... what they say about you?

[Anders is in the process of gesturing to where the newly made potions are when the question comes. He exhales, looking back at Kain. It's not like the question is unexpected.]

Portions of it. Significant portions, no less. I destroyed the Chantry in Kirkwall and I'm possessed.

[There will likely never be a time when saying it is easy, but considering all he's done, it probably shouldn't be. But now that the words are out, he waits.]

[Kain nods grimly, serious-looking as ever, but not really changing expression any. He'd needed to hear it from the man himself, much as he's heard the same thing from first the general announcement, and later a trusted source. But there's something to be said for making one's own conclusions about things.]

[There are a bunch of questions he'd like to ask, especially regarding the possession and who exactly is the one in control... things which he doesn't know he's quite comfortable asking at the moment. He didn't ask intending to interrogate, after all. So he asks something else.]

Do you regret any of it?

I regret the innocent lives that were lost, yes.

[There were lives that were not innocent, and he doesn't regret killing them. Thedas is better off without Elthina and anyone else who can willfully turn their backs on the suffering of people they're supposed to care about. But those that got caught up in it, who were just bystanders? He feels a great deal of guilt over that.

He looks Kain over. At least the man's being civil.]

What else?

As anyone with a conscience should.

[Kain nods quietly, thoughtful for a moment. It’s all he really needed to hear, the main thing anyway. Though Kain’s own judgment is probably not the best thing in the world to go on, especially when it comes to questionable morals. The thing is, he kind of gets it. Ends justifying the means, desperation calling for a desperate act. He’s been there and done that, betrayed allies of his own will for a good cause. Just as he’s been there with betrayal because of something… not himself.]

[He’d never speak of these thoughts to anyone else though. He understands that there are things about this world which make the situation more difficult.]

Forgive me if this is prying too much… but how much of the idea was your own and how much the… spirit? Is that the right word for it?

Spirit is the right word, yes. The spirit of Justice.

[How much is still Justice and how much has blurred into Vengeance is something he not only has no answer for, he also has no desire to discuss it. It's a mess. Just as much of a mess as the other question he's being asked, really, and Anders exhales with a short glance to the side. The answer would be damning if not for the protection of the Wardens.]

And the other's... complicated. He's become a part of me; he's shared my body for over a decade. Some thoughts I know as my own, some I know as his. With the Chantry... I don't know.

[He has suspicions. Yes, he has a temper and a huge issue with Templars, but other than short flights of fancy he'd never thought about simply killing someone. Justice had often advocated for it before the merge. But at the end of the day, Anders hadn't said no, hadn't tried to stop the escalating chain of events.]

[It's so strange to think of a concept like Justice as a spirit, an actual being like an Eidolon. At least, that's the closest thing he's familiar with to compare to their spirits, in some regards. The Eidolons don't go around possessing people. That it's not so black and white with Anders doesn't surprise Kain in the least. Perhaps it ought to bother him more than it does... especially because of how much he can relate.]

It's surprising that something called Justice would commit such an act... then again, justice taken to its extreme...

[He trails off, sighs a little. Well. He knows where it could end up.]

It's... a longer story than I care to tell right now, but... I know. I know exactly how it feels, to have something other than yourself driving your actions... clouding your mind until you cannot be certain which thoughts are your own. [Perhaps he'll speak more of it eventually, but there are some things too difficult to talk about. It doesn't matter if he was 'controlled', there was and is still that inner darkness that's very much himself, and he knows he has himself to blame in many ways.] At least you accept the responsibility for your own part in it.

On the eve of a great injustice happening...

[Anders sighs as well. It both had and hadn't simply been a matter of time, and there are no tidy or easy answers here. But Kain's admission brings his head back up so he can look at the man, more than a little surprised. He shouldn't want someone to understand what he's going from. It's a stressful, exhausting, mess. But at the same time it's a comfort.]

You're the only person who's said they know.

[The only one he's encountered in his time being possessed. Cole is similar, but he's just as broken as he is whole - spirit healed but mind scattered. And then there are the rumors regarding Wynne, but they don't matter as by all accounts she's dead.]

And I could hardly do otherwise regarding what happened.

[Kain is already becoming so confused about… well, everything. He’s been warned that Anders is an abomination, a monster, unrepentant about what he had done. That he’s killed innocents. Perhaps it would be very different if Kain were a native of this world and he’d grown up with the culture, the attitudes toward spirits. It is still rather unsettling to think that he’s got something other lurking inside him… Yet at the same time, he can’t help but sympathize. He knows better than to ever say a word of that to anyone, given prevailing opinions about Anders.]

[Here he goes again, being something of a traitor, even if in a minor way.]

I’m surprised there aren’t more who do. Of course, what happened with me was on another world entirely, a different situation… the principle of the matter is still the same, in the end. We hold ourselves rightfully responsible, yet would those actions have occurred without that outside influence…?

[He shrugs, because who knows?]

I hope you’ll make the most of the chance you’ve been given.

[Anders has no doubts that if Justice hadn't been involved, the chantry wouldn't have been destroyed. But he also wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to Karl, Kirkwall's Circle would have been annulled, he'd be dead, and the Circles likely wouldn't be broken. Mage freedom would still be fifty, a hundred years away. And then consider how many times he'd barely saved Hawke's life, like the fight against the Arishok, or the fact he'd saved Bethany's as well, and so many in Darktown as well as the rest of Hawke's group, and where does the math end?

He exhales, looking down. When it comes down to it, he's likely saved more lives than he's cost, and that includes the lives of several people he cares deeply about. Which means he'd make this same horrible choice all over again, and that's a thought he can never speak outloud.

At least Kain's last sentence is an easy one to approach.]

I will. I've every intention of it.

[Another breath, and then he offers the faintest upward quirk of his lips to Kain.]

As I'm sure you've every intention of avoiding these tents as much as possible. If you let healers do their job, it will be over much more quickly, I assure you.

[Yes, Kain is definitely getting the idea that the whole matter is a lot less black and white than everyone around here would have it be. He knows what Anders did was wrong... but could it be justifiable? He's conflicted about what he believes now, especially because Anders isn't the horrible person everyone makes him out to be. Sigh. The ends can justify the means, he's sure, but how far is too far?]

Good, I'm glad you'll do that... and I'm glad they've allowed you that chance to prove yourself, even if some may not believe it deserved. But I'm a firm believer in second chances.

[He then pouts juuust a little bit. He's really glad no white mages on his world are around to tell stories of him defying their orders. Siiiiiiiiigh.]

I'll try to be better about that, but it's not easy for me. I often like to test my limits... But I'm sure you don't want to hear that.

That the two who have known me longest feel it deserved is what mattered in my books. If they can see reason for it, especially when they've made good on their second chances, then I'm... I've the chance of making it right.

[Then he's not wholly lost. He's not fully an abomination, if Nate and Velanna can still have faith in him. Sure, Velanna had gotten along rather well with Justice, but that doesn't really make a difference here. He doesn't think.

At least as he gains people who think he can do better, he's more determined to try to prove them right. Faith in him is something he's had in very short supply for a very long time. It makes an astounding difference to suddenly have it.

...and he doesn't have much faith in Kain making the process of healing easy on himself or Anders. Anders raises an eyebrow.]

When the body's limits are pushed too far, then recovery takes longer. Do you enjoy bed rest? Because that's what I might choose to use the next time you get injured, heal you just enough that you'll recover with a great deal of rest, unless you're cooperative. I'm fairly certain I can get the other two spirit healers on board with that as well.

That sounds familiar. [Back home, he had Cecil and Rosa both extending their forgiveness to him right away, without any question, and even despite Kain being unable to forgive himself. Sometimes he wonders if it's foolish of them to do so, but they've known him a long time and he trusts them.] Friends who can lend such support are hard to come by. They're worth keeping around, if anyone can aid you in staying on your new path... it would be them.

[Kain knows that Anders has a difficult path ahead, however he chooses to walk it. So it is, though, he's dealing with much the same kind of thing himself. Even here, he's working toward redemption.]

[He siiiiighs, oh no, oh no, he's really onto him and his ways. Kain actually looks very concerned at the thought that Anders might do that, and notifying the other healers as well... he would be in so much trouble.]

I promise. [He says hastily, nodding just as quickly. After all, the part he's really bad at is the resting thing, whenever such a thing is ever needed. So it is enough to freak him out, he doesn't need a reputation here among the healers.] I promise, I swear it. I'll let you and the others heal me when you have to. You have my word.

[He has no idea what Kain's done in his past to have an understanding of things, but he won't pry. The man is offering understanding and Anders will take it. It's rare.]

I've every intention of keeping close to them.

[Even though he'd tried to make it difficult for one of them to help him out if things had started to go poorly. He couldn't let Nate sacrifice for him. He couldn't.

He also can't let a bad patient continue the habit, though that's not quite as urgent. 'Have to' sounds like it could be meant to be vague... but Anders will allow it for now, and keep an eye on Kain just in case.]

All right. It's easier for everyone this way, truly. You're able to return to what you'd like to do sooner, our time and energy spent healing you specifically is less... it pays off.

[That he doesn't pry, funny enough, means Kain is more likely to be open with him one day, after all it's when people try to find out too much that his defenses go up full force. But he's finding he really doesn't dislike Anders at all, even though he's probably supposed to.]

A wise choice. They'll help you find your way.

[It's something which Kain himself really needs to take better to heart, but how can he when those friends are no longer even on the same world as he is? There always seem to be complications, sigh.]

[Ok, fine... fine, that all sounds good and logical, and at the moment, Kain slowly nods. Will he stick to this, though, when it comes to really being out there? Hard to say. Sometimes, there's not much choice but to keep fighting. Sometimes.]

I know... believe me, the less time spent resting and healing, the better. I don't like being held back from fighting if I can help it... I'll do my best to cooperate.

[He nods to the first, cracking a small smile at the latter.]

And we'd much rather you be out there fighting so that we're not on the front lines. I make an awful lot of flailing motions when in front. It's not a pretty sight.

[It's not entirely true. He can hold his own; he's a Grey Warden. But self-depreciating humor often goes a long way, especially when it comes to encouraging the 'tough' types to come be healed. If they know that people are depending on them, they're far more cooperative.]

Hopefully you don't have to see me often. In a healing capacity, that is. But when you do, I'll be available, and I do work as quickly as I can.

[Except on the ones intent on running off and exacerbating injuries that weren't fully healed yet, but that's already been covered. He doesn't need to reiterate that.]

Go ahead and take what you need. I'm working on restoring our supplies anyway, so now's a good time.

[Rosa used to use that same tactic on him too, and it’s effective. Reminding him of his strength always works wonders with Kain.]

True enough, we all have our role to play out there on a field of battle. We depend on one another’s specialties to be truly effective.

[And whatever else is going on with Anders, despite what others have said, Kain sees no reason to bear ill will toward him. Not when he understands where he’s coming from, what he’s dealing with, to at least some extent. Besides, all he cares about is whether or not people are competent in the midst of combat. Personal matters and inner demons don’t matter so much. All that matters is doing what you’re supposed to.]

At least I know I have a healer I can trust.

[Though of course, he’s sure he’ll get to know more over time as well. It’s how things tend to go with Kain.]

Thank you, I appreciate it… you can rest assured that I have the sense to always go out there well supplied.

[He’s not a total fool ~~just a partial one~~, and at least starts out any expedition well prepared. He may push himself too far when he runs out, but still.]

[The statement about trust gets a slightly surprised look that turns into a faint smile. He does his best to keep trust, but it's not something often given so freely to him. Kain gets a nod before Anders goes back to preparing herbs.]

You're welcome. And I'm glad to have the assurances. I'll see you around. Hopefully not while bleeding.

[It’s also not something Kain often gives, but… well… the similarity in situations had really stuck with him. Who knows if he has the best judgment about this, he’s sure there are some who would say he doesn’t. But he doesn’t care, for now he’s going with what he’s experienced. With what he knows.]

[Kain grabs a couple potions to stock up, then nods at Anders.]

Likewise, I’m sure I’ll see you around soon. Thank you… and I promise, I’ll attempt to stay in one piece.

[Attempt.]

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[Open] Tell me would you kill to save a life?

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