faderift | I never loved nobody truly

Entry tags:

I never loved nobody truly—

WHO: Ruby Lucas & Adelaide LeBlanc.
WHAT: idk some garbage
WHEN: A couple of days after this, mid??? August.
WHERE: random countryside between Halamshiral and Skyhold
NOTES: yes

This is officially a pretty shitty day.
Which she knows, she's known it for a couple of days, because those were also pretty shitty days. Ruby walks with her cloak hanging from her shoulders, grass brushing around her legs. It seems to vary between being up her to her shins or her knees, and the grass of her path is greener and marked with white flowers that reach up and sway in the breeze as the wind makes the plains ripple like the surge of the sea.

She's not feeling her best, it can definitely be said, and she doesn't have a particular plan. Go to Skyhold, maybe, and then redirect herself to the Emprise, and hopefully just— Sort stuff out. Fix it. Take some time and maybe find a rock to crawl under for a while. Or maybe she won't be a self-pitying loser, and be a decent friend, and just get on with life. It'll keep stinging, but it'll be okay.

What Ruby does allow herself is the luxury of stopping and leaning against a tree when she finally gets to the top of the hill she's standing on, and slowly exhales. "Come on, Ruby. Get it together."

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She loses time saddling up. She loses time trying to find the path but- the ring and the undeniable trail of flowers gives her somewhere to start. However long it takes to make up the difference, to catch up? Is how long she has to choose what she'll say. Nothing specific comes to mind, no grand gestures, no poetry, no answer to a question that had not even been asked. They'd parted and in the few days she'd been without Ruby's company-

She'd kept busy. She hadn't lost sleep any more than usual but it had been dimmer. Cooler. Less bright, less vibrant. Perhaps that is sign enough that this is someone she needs in her life.

That she's spent the time since her conversation with Korrin wondering what it is that one does with a woman in one's bed hasn't helped her distraction. She hasn't had near enough time when she catches sight of that red cloak and hood, horse under her thundering in a gallop, hair wild about her shoulders, robes in disarray. "Charlotte!"

The wind whips the sound of her name, but the Wolf catches it, and catches the voice that shapes it. She's frowning as she turns, concerned, taking a step in Adelaide's direction. Something had to have happened. Something bad, possibly (probably, because what else would make her follow after all that?) and Ruby moves in the direction of Adelaide.

She can move surprisingly fast even in human form, and for Adelaide? For Adelaide she pushes, even if she has to lean back a little and go slower here and there to make sure she doesn't stumble down the vast slop, until she can catch the horse's reins.

"What is it?" She's breathless, almost, one hand resting on the horse's neck to steady it. "What's wrong?"

Drawn up short she doesn't have an answer, doesn't have balance with how the Horse stills and stumbles- doesn't want to stop herself from reaching out and tumbling into Ruby's arms. Overdramatic? Certainly. She'll kick herself for this later.

Right now she attempts to catch Ruby about the shoulders to steady herself even as she falls free of the saddle and her weary horse. She's-

The kindest word would be babbling. In Orlesian. "Je suis désolé, je ne sais pas, je ne sais toujours pas, ceci est une idée terrible , mais il est une idée terrible je préférerais tentative que d'aller pour le reste de ma vie sans jamais connaître-savoir-"

This is really not doing anything to make Ruby thing that things aren't horribly wrong. She catches Adelaide around her waist, taking half a step (or two, or three) backwards to try and counter-balance the momentum of Adelaide slipping down from the horse, before she realises that they're doomed and just accepts the fall for what it is. Her lungs protests a little, and she's half sure she just fell on a rock.

"Hey, slow down," Ruby says very gently. "And— maybe don't speak in French. Orlesian."

Her hand presses to Adelaide's waist. "Adelaide."

The fall knocks the air from her lungs long enough to silence her babbling, long enough to remind her she has a moment to change her mind. But she thinks back to the past few days, the uncertainty, the sheer warmth of Ruby where they're tangled now and knows that no. She can't take it back now that she's here. Now that she's staring down into Ruby's face.

Soft wonder hardens into determination as she cups Ruby's cheek with one cool palm and leans down to press their lips together. It is the simplest way she can think of to get her point across. This- this whatever it is, whatever it might be? She wishes to explore it.

Ruby isn't sure how to deal with this. Adelaide's weight pressing against her, and having her on top of her sparks a mix of comfort and pleasure and guilt. She shouldn't enjoy this, and yet she does. She's partway to bracing herself and pushing herself up, or would be if Adelaide's hand weren't at her cheek. In this moment and with everything else that's happened it feels so intimate and so complicated, and things with Adelaide have always felt simply until she tried to articulate them.

She swallows, confused for the brief moment before Adelaide's lips press to hers. And then she just—

Falters. Or she would falter, if she were standing. As it is her breath catches, and she meets the kiss, fingers curling into the material of Adelaide's robes. The rock digging into her back really doesn't seem like such a big deal any more, as she leans up in the kiss.

It's softer than she's used to. That's the first thought. It's softer, sweeter, more fragrant with the flowers blooming all around. That same warmth that drew her to Ruby seems to spread and linger in the hollow of her chest and this is- it's different. New. Terrifying. Adelaide pulls away, staring down into Ruby's dark eyes, hair wild blond curtain around them as she finally finds her words in Common.

"I work too much and can never remember dinner plans if they are made, my work for the mages will always come first, I cannot promise to be as attentive as you deserve, I am dangerous, I am overworked, I don't know what my family will even say about this-"

Ruby, for a moment, simply lays in the grass and looks up at Adelaide, propping herself up on her elbows. She hasn't, truthfully, kissed all that many people. Reputation and reality were fickle creatures, and for Ruby it meant either people thought she was very innocent or the exact opposite, depending on whether they thought of Ruby or Red. Adelaide didn't have either perception, and she just saw her, and Ruby's just caught on seeing Adelaide now.

"You came looking for me."

Quietly, and yet still very much an interruption, gently running her thumb over Adelaide's jaw. Quiet, and maybe a little— reverent almost, as her mouth quirks with a slight smile, just a little amused. "Adelaide, I know you."

She knows about how busy is she how she focuses and how she puts her students first... it's all part of the reasons she adores her so.

"I came looking for you." Because this is- this is terrifying and horrifying and wonderful and awful and she is in no way prepared for it...and she wants it all the same. Ruby is as Robert had been. A friend for which she has come to feel more. A friend that feels more. "You don't need to leave. I don't-"

She inches closer, arms looped around Ruby's shoulders. "I don't need space. I don't want space."

Even if she'll ruin this, she's sure. She's terrible with remembering all the little gesture, everything people tend to take for granted in relationships. But she'll try. "Then you know I am terrible at this. But- I want to try. I want...I want this."

Whatever it is.

Instinctively she presses her hand between Adelaide's shoulder blades, steadying. That Adelaide came looking for her, followed her, that means something. It makes warmth pool in her chest. Makes all of her feel warmer, honestly. Warmer and wanted and important, somehow. That she matters.

"Well, to be fair I did kind of eat the last person I cared about so, I... am probably worse at this than you are." And more dangerous and more terrible, and the list would go on but she's trying to say it with a certain degree of levity, that she might set Adelaide better at ease. Ruby swallows, and tries to be serious and less nervous. (It isn't very successful.)

"Are you sure?" Not quite whispered, though it carries that same hushes hoarseness that belongs to whispers. "If this is about just not wanting me to leave then... I mean, then I can... I don't know."

If it's just about not wanting her to leave then it'll be a different shape of devastating, when they already seem to be so tangled up.

"You'd never hurt me." The sky is blue, magic is dangerous, and Ruby would never lift a hand, claw, or tooth against Adelaide. She knows this as deeply as she knows Compassion's voice, as she knows the flow of ice in the back of her mind. A crystalline clear certainty that cannot be shaken. No matter the cause, no matter the curse? Ruby wouldn't hurt her.

And she would do anything in her power to be certain of the same.

Adelaide slips a hand up to comb back Ruby's hair and revels in allowing herself this. Casual affection. Unassuming and easy and without expectation or true pattern that she needs to follow. All she need? Is be decent. To be good to Ruby- and she thinks...

Even if she does not know how? She would learn gladly. "I'm sure. I don't know what will come of this but-"

She leans in, resting their foreheads together, voice low and warm. "But I want to find out, Charlotte. I want you to stay and I want- I want to try to have this with you. I did not know what I felt when you first spoke and needed time to make certain- I've never been attracted to a woman before."

Ruby, in response, manages a very articulate and well thought out "Um."

Not hesitant or cautious and doubting. Confused, maybe, if confusion can be mixed with relief and delight. Her eyes slip shut for just a moment, revelling in the feeling of Adelaide's fingers in her hair and the continued presence and weight against her, in the relief that is Adelaide resting their foreheads together. It is grounding and elating in the same moment, and Ruby just has to remind herself to breathe, or something, because it doesn't quite seem real. "I would never hurt you," she echoes softly.

She brings her hand bracing herself up to cup Adelaide's cheek, before slowly easing herself back into the grass - and then making a sound at the rock digging into her again before grabbing it and tossing it to the side. That rock will not ruin this moment, God damn it. No, she's going to lounge here in the grace and she's going to play with Adelaide's hair, and she's going to just try and make sure she isn't having a fever dream because she was knocked out by a troll, or something.

"I'm not exactly an expert at any of this so, uh. Maybe we can help each other out." Her tone is cautiously playful, careful optimism, before she nudges Adelaide's nose with her own. "So long as you're certain, we're good. I think. I mean, it seems like a solid starting point, right?"

"Um?" Adelaide manages a soft laugh, lighter, sweeter than the usual wry crackle Ruby prompts. Then again Ruby has been better able to pull forth smiles and laughs and ideas that she had long thought put to rest. This is- it is something she has not tried for the better part of two decades and yet? She is here, tangled among flowers and long grass like an adolescent, tipping her face into Ruby's hand to feel the warmth and enjoy the rightness of it.

One good, selfish thing. One kind thing. One gentle thing not tainted overtly by work or politics or expectation. She is allowed this, is she not?

Laying down fully alongside Ruby is easy enough, though she does frown a little at the rock tossed aside, at least until they're settled and close and cozy. "I am not certain how one goes about these things when you are not expected to hide it every hour of the day but- I am certain of this. I am certain of you."

She hopes that this will go well, which is more than she's ever had before.

"Hey, don't tease the werewolf. We're very sensitive."

Very sensitive, and very ridiculous. Her eyebrow raises just a little bit and she's... relaxing a little more. This is a thing. It's a thing that's happening, and her heart is beating hard and fast in her chest. It's wonderful and faintly discombobulating and she just pressing her hand over Adelaide's heart, fingertips resting on her collarbone, idly, gaze dropping a little. It's a happy kind of, uh. Gentle embarrassment.

"Well, if it makes it easier for you to adapt we can pretend it's an illicit love affair. You can lock me in a cupboard if someone comes into your tent and we're having a moment."

It's a cautious sort of joke. Maybe not entirely a joke, as she traces the line of Adelaide's collarbone. "Certain is good. I'm okay with certain." A brief pause and, very softly, "I'm certain, too."

"I tease out of affection." And she's allowed this. It's- just the same as their ridiculous conversations in the Undercroft or over the crystals. The same back and forth that has become cozy and comfortable and easy. Light. Without weight they do not wish to give for all that their talks inevitably veer toward the serious or maudlin- for now? All is warmth and color and the blooming flowers around them.

Her brother would adore the image.

Tentative, in so much that she's adjusting to having leave to do so, Adelaide combs her fingers through Ruby's hair. longer that Robert's ever was, wild and curled and lovely. Easy to lose her fingers among the curls. "I know my reputation and standing as a public official of sorts may make this difficult but- aside from a few accusations of bias in favor of rifters, which is the least politically inconvenient thing possible on my plate? It would not hurt my reputation to have this known. Nor do I have any particular desire to hide this- unless you wish it hidden."

She defers to Ruby's comfort.

The longer they lay there, the denser the flowers and the greener the grass becomes. The flowers, in this place and this season, are a bright pink, six petals and stamen that are an intense pink-red, or they are a red stars, or white-yellow spidery seeming things with too many petals to count at a quick glance. They rise around the two woman sprawled in the grass, fan out and away from them like the splay of tributaries on a map. It's kind of—

It's horribly appropriate for a fairy tale character, probably, though Ruby doesn't disrupt the moment to make a comment. No, she is content to just stay here and try to absorb. These things don't happen to her. She's the werewolf, the monster, she's the one that people run from (and rightly so, she thinks.) Adelaide probably has a concussion or impaired judgment or this could be an elaborate prank, none of which are in keeping with Adelaide or her manner at all. Truth be told, Ruby's not entirely sure how to process. Her eyes slip shut, and she just inhales, flowers and Adelaide and a horse that her ears tell her is pretty content just eating grass, nosing around for the sweeter stuff lower to the ground. Simply sensing and feeling, aware of Adelaide's hands in her hair, that's good with Ruby for a moment.

... Though conceivably she should also reply, sometime. "I don't want it hidden," she says, after a moment of consideration. "I'd only want to if being open about it was going to make your politics and stuff harder. And, by the way, Thedas is apparently a lot more progressive than the World Without Magic, if being involved with another woman wouldn't be inconvenient."

Way to go, modern world. Medieval problematic fantasy land is more socially liberal, in some regards. Wow.

Never mind that. She leans slightly closer, voice quieter even if they're the only ones here, and glances to Adelaide with slight bemusement. "This doesn't seem real."

A vision for some manner of romance, Gregoire might say were he to witness it. Adelaide thinks nothing of the flowers or vines, the vibrance of the grass or the weather. The whole of her focus is bent to the warmth of Ruby tangled against her and the fact that for a moment? This is hers. And she knows far, far too well how Ruby sees herself and that which she is given. What consideration she is and isn't owed. The high standard to which she must hold herself is doubly vital in the face of Ruby being forgotten, being left behind, being lost.

"Your being a rifter may be more cause for a stir than your being a woman. It is not so strange a thing in Orlais- or in Thedas. Not spoken of all that often but not strange in the slightest." She props herself on her elbow, peering down into Ruby's face. The sincere awe there is...it twists something in Adelaide. Hardens a certainty that she must do whatever she can to be deserving of this affection, of this regard. "Then you shall not be hidden. I am by nature a private woman but- I am not ashamed of you. I never have been."

Even at Ruby's most ridiculous. It'd been endearing and invigorating- not shameful.

"To be perfectly honest? Nor can I. This- It is not for me, I thought. Someone to share a bed with on occasion to relieve stress, yes but something more? I don't have time for it, feeling deeply is dangerous, desire demons will be plaguing my sleep for the next few weeks but- I do not care." It's almost a revelation to herself, this truth. "I truly don't. Because...I have you."

She swallows the reflexive self-deprecating comment— Oh, come on. Just give me time. As though shame were an inevitability, the kind of thought Storybrooke ground into her bones. "Private I get. I'm not saying I'm going to make posters or do an announcement or something, just... not secret is good."
Does she sound stupidly, disarmingly pleased? Probably, yeah.

Yeah. Ruby would be hard pressed to deny that Adelaide does, indeed, have her. It makes her smile brighten, if such a thing is really possible, leaning forward to slip her arms around Adelaide and draw her into a hug, even as close as they are, letting her face tuck against Adelaide's neck for a couple of of moments. She only eases back enough to talk without it being lost and muffled, gently bumping Adelaide's jaw with her nose.

"I would say that I'll try to eliminate any chance of desire," Ruby starts, something wry in her tone, "but I feel like that could be counterproductive, maybe." Silly joke? Silly joke. More seriously, "is there anything I can do to help with that part?" Because she might not know what it is to be a mage and live with the risk of demons and all the rest of it, but she does remember the dreams she used to have, that feeling of being drawn into tar and drowning so inevitably. "I've got your back."

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I never loved nobody truly—

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