faderift | [Closed] The best part of leaving

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[Closed] The best part of leaving

WHO: Anders, Nathaniel Howe
WHAT: Coming back to Skyhold from Halamshiral
WHEN: Nowish
WHERE: Kestral House
NOTES: Probably sap, possibly heavier themes, probably adult content WTG TORI.

There'd been a few things to drop off at the healing tents, a couple of reports to make, but as soon as those are done Anders is headed straight for the Kestral house. He's missed Nate. And while missing someone is nothing new, there is now a hope every time they're parted. He'll see Nate again.... like right now, as he ducks back into the sleeping are and finds the curtained portion that's theirs.

"Where's Purrelden? I've missed her." The mischief in his smile says a lot, but the fact that he's reaching for the archer instead of the cat that's currently sitting on Lady says the rest.

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Nathaniel's entire face lights up. He stands up and wraps his arms around Anders to draw him in for a long, passionate kiss.

"You were gone a long time," he murmurs against those lips. One more kiss, and he pulls back to have a look at him. Anders arrived in something bright and well-fitted, and the earring is back oh Maker he didn't realized he's been missing that earring for eleven years until just now. The peacock feathers on the shoulders of his coat are the perfect color for him, as well.

"I'm very attracted to you right now," he admits quietly, eyes going up and down, taking in the whole look. "When did you have your ear re-pierced?"

This is what having a home is - safety, love, warmth.

Anders returns the kisses happily, just smiling like an idiot while Nate looks him over. The absence doesn't matter now because he can come back to this, come back to feeling the stress leave him.

"Very attracted, mm? I did it shortly after getting to Halamshiral. Isabela and I were talking in the shops, she knows how to pierce things, and I decided I wanted it back." Anders reaches up to toy with the earring, still not entirely used to the weight again. "The reason I took it out originally isn't relevant anymore, and..."

He shrugs. He likes it, but even more importantly, going off the way Nate keeps looking at it, Nate really likes it.

"And clearly you missed it almost as much as I missed you. I like how you look at me all the time, but especially right now." Anders leans in to kiss Nate's nose. "Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

Lady looks up glumly from her position as a cushion for the Cat. Her tail starts thumping against the floor upon seeing Anders. Otherwise, she doesn't move.

"I am very much enjoying looking at you right now as well," Nathaniel purrs, hands going to Anders' waist. "I trained Lady to slip through dungeon bars, finally. She no longer believes they're going to bite her if she comes close."

This time he has the chance to slip his arms around Nate in return and lean close, resting his face against the man's neck. Nate smells as fantastic as usual, leather and a little smoke likely from the fires keeping this place warm. Anders could relax here forever.

"Considering our histories, that may be a rather important skill to have. Especially considering the Architect still running about. Being locked up by him once was more than enough, thank you." He hadn't really considered the use of a mabari when getting her for Nate, but now he's glad he chose what he had. Nate's happy, she's learning, Purrelden's got a seat... Anders turns his face so he can see the animals, chuckling quietly.

"Purrelden, please let Lady up." The cat looks up and stretches, not budging. Pounce had been so much better behaved. Then again, Mr. Wiggums hadn't responded to much of what Anders said - she's more obedient than him. "Purrelden, off." That's at least a command, one he's been working on, and she finally shifts so that she's only got one paw resting on Lady. It's as good as he can ask for.

"Good girl, thank you." Then he's turning his attention back to Nate. "The very good news about your dog being tiny is that she can't get up here and drool on my feathers the way Jonas or Hawke's mabaris could."

"You've gone back to feathers." Nathaniel gingerly smooths over those beautiful feathers. "They're very fetching on you. You always liked wearing bold colors, before. I remember you being quite particular about your appearance."

It had been a big red flag when they'd met in the Deep Roads several years ago.

"I like it. I like that you're doing that for yourself." He returns one hand to Anders' waist and cups his cheek with the other. "And it gives me an idea or two about Satinalia gifts. I'd like to spoil you a bit."

If he's caught up in the moment and not thinking, it's easy (and perhaps too easy) to go for something pretty. The prospect of being spoiled is instead a little daunting. Anders' gaze flickers down for a moment before he's relaxing into the gentle hold, trying to figure out what to say.

"You don't have to do anything, you know. I've got you, and Purrelden, and a bed... All I'm lacking is the freedom to give idiots a very magical experience." He turns his head to place a kiss to Nate's palm. So many don't have better lives yet, while he's so far better off than he was in the Circles or Kirkwall and he feels a little guilty there.

Nathaniel knows that look. He leans in and tries to kiss it away.

"Relax," he sighs. "Go easy on yourself, love. Find things you like. Let yourself accept gifts. You're learning who you are without Justice now. A task like that needs fuel, and experimentation."

His thumb grazes Anders' lower lip and he smiles. "Be as kind to yourself as you would be to me. All right?"

Nate's the one that deserves the kindness, but they've had that discussion before. He kisses Nate's thumb rather than say anything that would hurt his lover. Anders is working on being kinder to himself; it's a process.

"I did accept Bela's help in buying the coat." It's definitely far too nice for him to have afforded, especially considering they're cut off from official Grey Warden coffers and wages. "It matters to you, and I'm working on it. And I have determined there's something I'd like to do. I'd like to resume writing."

It's not something he'd done before Justice. But seeing how accessible books were in Skyhold, seeing how there were people giving groups chances, makes him feel it might be more worthwhile.

"I'd need a penname, and I could probably use help with that considering my... gift... with pseudonyms. But I could use some help with editing, too. Keeping it from getting too personal, too vicious, too extreme."

Nathaniel's brows lift a bit. The man who blew up a Chantry is worried about being too extreme. Payoff for getting rid of Justice is already happening. Turns out Anders does have a sense of temperance. Anyone who knew him before Justice might...not have believed that either, but still.

"Are you thinking of running things by Adelaide, then?" Adelaide is a moderate, and she writes, doesn't she? It never occurs to him that Anders could be talking about him. Nathaniel doesn't know the politics of mages well, and his writing ability is mostly limited to bad poetry that nobody will ever see.

He gives Nate a fond smile and a gentle kiss.

"No. She's a lot of projects to work on, and she's not a part of my target audience, love. The main audience would be people who fear mages, but I'm not going to find one of them to read something by me. Which means I need someone who is one," he taps a finger on Nate's side, "not a mage, two," a second, "doesn't harbor a grudge against me, and three," he rests three fingers there, "able to be honest with me."

Anders meets Nate's eyes. "I don't suppose you know somewhere I could find someone like that, do you?"

Nathaniel's brow furrows.

"Anders. My writing experience is limited to boring reports and bad poetr--" He stops and glances beyond the curtain to see if anyone else is here. Nobody. "You-know-what," he finishes. "I'm not sure I'm fit to critique anyone's writing."

There's another kiss just for that.

"I don't need you to give me a grammatical going-over, despite how I do recall you correcting me after fucking me quite thoroughly." He lets that comment linger for just a moment, mischief returned to his eyes. "What I need is someone to tell me if it's gone too angry, or hurt, or boring, or if it's gone into things that would make non-mage eyes glaze over, things like that. This is something I care a great deal about and I want it to help, not to alienate or be ignored. I'm not asking for you to add you-know-what to its pages."

Now Nate looks a touch embarrassed.

"I'd...be honored. And happy to do it." It will give him something to do, at least. And a way to help Anders that's more direct, more measurable, less abstract. He leans in for a soft kiss.

"We have the room to ourselves," he points out.

"Do we?" he asks, closing the small gap between them and pressing his body to Nate's. "Are you hinting at something? We could talk more about writing, and how I'm thankful that you'll help me, about Halamshiral... but if you've other ideas, I'm open to suggestions."

There's a deliberate pause, and his smile so clearly says that he knows what Nate's suggesting.

"Or are you requesting advance payment for your assistance?"

"I'm suggesting I express to you exactly how much I missed you and how glad I am that you have returned by throwing you down and ravishing you thoroughly."

Which is what they proceed to do.

They have fucked, washed, and dressed. Nathaniel returns from the baths in a state of bliss and settles by Anders on their bed. The room is still empty but for them. Nathaniel lies on his back and encourages Anders to put his head on his shoulder.

"You said something about confession, a while ago. About hearing one anothers' confessions."

"Mm." He's warm and cozy, and his brain is a little sluggish, but after a few moments it catches up to Nate. "I did. You said yours were a little heavy, so I took that to mean you didn't want to talk about matters."

Shifting a little, Anders stretches an arm over Nate's chest as well. "Did that change?" Had something happened while he was gone that Nate had needed to build up to? It's not like he thinks there's anything Nate would do that Anders would judge him for. Or even could, considering.

There's a long pause. Nathaniel has built up to this, in his head. Something he needs to say but doesn't want anyone to hear, not even--no, least of all someone who loves him. Speaking about this aloud is taboo, somehow, acknowledging a tie he would rather people forget, even after eleven years.

"I've been finalizing the plan to rescue Kallian's mother," he says quietly, resting his cheek against beautiful golden hair. "I know where she is. I know who put her there. I know her daughter misses her. And...I know saving one woman doesn't come close to making up for what my father did to Denerim. But I..."

He grasps Anders, as if afraid he'll slip away.

"I still love my father. That's my confession. Despite all the pain and death he caused, and how he thought only for himself, acted only for his own selfishness. I'm the only person in the world who misses him. Even though I know the man I remember him being never really existed. If he came back and I could speak to him again, I would see him like he really was. But all I have are the memories I have. I look on them differently now, but...I'm afraid of losing the little good I had, back then, if I stop loving him."

He presses his cheek to Nate's shoulder, forehead to jaw, simply holding Nate for a few moments.

"You're not your father. And loving him doesn't make you into him." The only person in the world who misses Justice is Anders, and he can see some parallels here, though he can also see how Nate wouldn't appreciate them. "You're even acting to undo something that he did. You can keep the memories, the man you knew, and it's not wrong."

Or he doesn't think it is. "You've such a large heart, love. I'm glad that it lets you hold on to the good." That's still a struggle for him.

"I'm a cantankerous old man," Nathaniel teases softly, hand rubbing up and down an arm. "And seeing good where there is none is no virtue," he continues seriously. "My father also saw the good in himself. His hard work, his cleverness, and he was rewarded with a lacklustre firstborn and an arling instead of a teyrnir. He decided he would make things right. So he sold an innocent girl's mother into slavery and called it good."

"Your father was lucky to have you. Anyone would have been. I've nothing positive to say about him, except that you did turn out to be magnificent, my cantankerous old man."

He takes a breath, hoping he's helping. "I'll never know what sort of a person my mother was, but I love her. Family is a strange thing. And he's dead and gone, Nate. Remembering him with a little warmth hurts no one, especially when you're working to undo some of the harm he caused. Caring isn't a vice."

"Willful self-delusion is a vice. He was no good. He was a poor father, he all but ruined Denerim in less than a year, his bedroom had direct access to his torture chambers. And the people he killed. Friends. The Couslands were almost literally family--he wrote sometimes about trying to marry Delilah to Jonas. Then he went to Highever and slaughtered all of them. People I knew since childhood. Everyone in that whole castle, gone, nothing left except silence and negative space."

He doesn't always like Jonas. But it aches, sometimes, to think about the havoc that was wreaked between good friends just a generation up from them. Fergus, though, Fergus lost wife and child, and calls Nathaniel a friend now. And it hurts, and it shouldn't. Nathaniel has no right to hurt from what was done to Fergus. And yet he has no other choice but to bear the remorse his father would not. Someone has to.

Edited 2016-08-16 01:15 (UTC)

He's not helping. He doesn't know what to say here that would, and Anders longs to help. Nate's hurting. But what truly catches his tongue and holds him up is the whole castle, silent and empty. It's a striking mental image, and one he doesn't really want to dwell on. Easier to apply what Nate's saying to when he met the archer in those cells so long ago. Simpler. This is about Nate, Nate's needs, not his, and Anders swallows hard, trying and failing to ignore his own thoughts.

"I don't know what to say. I want to ease some of this pain but I don't know how."

Nathaniel touches Anders' chin with his thumb, lifting his face to look at him.

"People aren't locks, love," he murmurs. "You can't fuss around looking for the thing that makes us open, or solves everything. There is no secret part in us that makes us stop hurting when you find it."

He tucks stray hair behind one of Anders' ears.

"I know that's...hard. For someone of your background. You want there to be a way to fix everything, and you believe nobody has found it yet because nobody has looked hard enough, or loved enough, or given enough."

"I could poke things in you and try," he mutters. It's an attempt at making the situation better with a joke, but he knows it's not going to help even as he says it.

"There's so much that can be fixed if people would just make an effort. Not everything, but..." Anders doesn't quite meet Nate's eyes, curling up against him almost defensively. Is it so wrong to try? To want Nate to be happy? To want freedom and a chance at joy to be available to those who don't have it?

"Some people could do with giving more and trying harder. The world won't be perfect, but it could be better."

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[Closed] The best part of leaving

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