[closed] and I don't fear the dark anymore

[doneisdone]

WHO: Teren and Blackwall
WHAT: a fairly uncomfortable yet relevant discussion
WHEN: late August
WHERE: their tent in Camp Shady
NOTES: *~*just warden things*~*



Between the fracas at Weisshaupt and how the Deep Roads expedition ended, Teren has felt a little demoralized. She hadn't attended Herc's funeral-- why would she, when they barely spoke, when their only pleasant conversation was moments before she left him to die? It may have been an honorable gesture to go, but it would have been disingenuous. And Teren is anything but disingenuous.

But there's been an extra crease in her brow that only seems to deepen with each passing day. It's mere happenstance that, while putting on her boots to make her rounds one evening, she turns to her tentmate and says, "might I pick your brain on something?"

Comments

[scalethewall]

Likewise, Blackwall hadn't had any real interaction with the man until just before he'd left for the Deep Roads. The conversation had been a little odd, but Blackwall hadn't known him well enough to pick up on it. That, and he'd honestly been a little nervous. He'd made an appearance at his funeral, or maybe his wake was more apt, and had a drink or two, mourning the loss of someone the Wardens of the Inquisition had looked to as a leader.

Unlike Teren, Blackwall is settling in for the next few hours. Boots and gambeson off and drying, belly full, ready to settle into his cot with a book. Teren seemed to keep to a schedule, as did he, it made things comfortable, predictable.

"Hmm?" He looks up, surprised and a little concerned, "Of course, what's on your mind?"

[doneisdone]

Teren actually hesitates, as if unsure she actually wants to begin the conversation, but sighs instead and proceeds before she can dance around it-- she hates when people do that. "Indulge me, Gordon," she says in a quiet voice, "what are your thoughts on loyalty?"

[scalethewall]

"Loyalty?" He sounds curious and a little confused, but the concept of loyalty had been something he'd had a lot of time to think about, both during his time in Orlais and as a Warden. He doesn't have to hesitate long before answering.

"I think, for the person pledging their loyalty, it can't be forced. It's a choice and it needs to be for something they believe in. Something bigger than themselves. As for the person asking for loyalty, it's something that needs to be earned. You have to prove yourself, or your cause, is something worth believing in."

He pauses a moment, trying to figure out where the question had suddenly come from, "Are some of the wardens just in from Weisshaupt worrying you? Or maybe just Weisshaupt in general?"

[doneisdone]

Teren nods pensively along with his words, her jaw clenched, and she doesn't respond right away. When she does, she pauses the tying of her bootlaces to angle her head toward him, looking at Blackwall for several moments before she speaks again.
"Then a cause that doesn't prove itself hasn't earned loyalty," she clarifies, sidestepping his questions for the time being. "...and... hypothetically, going by what you've said, an army that conscripts by force and demands total sacrifice from the unwilling is undeserving." She seems to look past him.

[scalethewall]

"More like, if a person doesn't believe in the cause they're likely not going to be loyal to it," He says after a thoughtful pause.

"Maybe the army is deserving, but that person who is forced to conscript likely won't see it that way," Another pause, "You're talking about the Wardens, then?"

He frowns, thinking and trying to choose his words so he's not misunderstood.

"The Wardens represent a good cause, but it's up to the recruiter and the individuals being recruited to see that, isn't it? Those forced into it often aren't loyal. Those, like myself, who were less than decent and maybe lost and without a purpose before being offered a place with the Wardens, can find a second chance to be a decent person and have their lives mean something. I think, the Wardens can expect loyalty from that person. They've sold their cause, haven't they? It's all how it's presented and perceived. A person forced into this, I think they'd just end up bitter and resentful."

[doneisdone]

Bitter and resentful. Now, those may or may not be two descriptors that have always applied to Teren, regardless of how she might deny it. She even smirks a little, shaking her head. "You, less than decent?" she wryly asks, suddenly pinning him with her focus again, "and I was to understand you were a right shining hero for much of the last couple decades. Unless I'm mistaken?"
She briefly enjoys the jab, but before he can give too much of an answer, she sighs and finishes lacing her boots, looking at them as she rests back on her hands. "Deserter," she says thoughtfully, "...quite a loaded word."

[scalethewall]

"Well, uh," Oh. Right. Decades. "Of course, right. Right."

She's obviously teasing him, but he can't quite bring himself to laugh it off. He rubs the back of his neck. For the first time in a long time, he wished he could talk about his own recruitment. His own recruitment. The person he was before he'd been offered a spot with the Wardens, the second chance it offered him. A purpose.

"Deserter?" He echoes, not sure he's following where her thoughts are going. Who was deserting?

[doneisdone]

Teren glances at him briefly when he fumbles, but doesn't seem to pay it much mind.
"Aye," she says at last, "deserter. An accusation levered at me, courtesy one of Macrinus' goons." She smirks mirthlessly. "For not attending the Western Approach as soon as the Calling began. For sodding off to the Frostbacks instead, meeting the other Wardens here by happenstance." Her eyes narrow down at her boots again.
"...normally I wouldn't give a toss what they think. I didn't join voluntarily, any loyalty I have for the Wardens is what I've allowed to be imposed on me. ...and yet." She places a hand on the back of her neck, frowning. "It's got under my skin. Nonsense, all of it."

[scalethewall]

He makes a face when she tells him the source of her worries, but regardless of who had planted the idea in her head, it had grown and taken root.

"Why didn't you go to the Western Approach when the Calling began?" He asks. It's still unclear to him why some Wardens didn't go. Now that he better understood the Calling, he knew it wasn't exactly a thing one could simply 'not receive'. Honestly, the more he understood, the more surprised he was that no one had called him out on his excuse of 'the messenger must have never gotten to me' story. Most likely just assumed he'd had his reasons and had ignored it.

[doneisdone]

The topic is one that Teren finds increasingly aggravating, and she's in the process of formulating an answer when she realizes that Blackwall, like the others, must have ignored it. But he arrived later, like her; the majority of Wardens in the camp were with Alistair.
"Why didn't you?" she shoots back, perhaps a bit more brusquely than she intended.