[closed] this can of fire and flames

[doneisdone]

WHO: Teren & Nathaniel
WHAT: let's talk about the tirefire that was skraedderquest
WHEN: Guardian-ish
WHERE: Camp Shady
NOTES: there'll be cussin probably

Teren has never been exceptionally social, even among the other Wardens, but upon their return from Nevarra she might as well barely be here. She still does all her various chores, and conducts her night patrol as usual, but avoids mealtimes and any other gathering with the others. Something has changed, but she being who she is, it's impossible to tell just what, or glean her exact reasoning beyond avoidance of confronting what happened on the mission.

At the moment she's splitting wood out at the camp's perimeter, hefting an axe as ferociously as she would her own daggers. As usual, she appears as though she'd rather not be bothered.

Comments

[pinprick]

Nathaniel isn't intimidated by Teren. Maybe he's one of the few. He is least of all intimidated by a liar who is hiding from the consequences of her actions. And he's not messing around. The Wardens gave him honor, gave them all honor, and that is under enough assault without it coming from their own side.

He approaches from the front. She can see him long before he is close enough to speak. And if she runs from him, he and others will be witness to her cowardice in action.

And he doesn't look happy.

[doneisdone]

Teren is many things, few of them good, but at least one of them isn't cowardly. On some level, she's been expecting this.
Watching Nate levelly, she lets the axe rest where it's wedged into the stump, and she straightens to meet his eyes. And waits.

[pinprick]

He waits till both feet are flat on the ground before he speaks. He doesn't shout. When Nathaniel is at his angriest, he speaks softest.

"Teren, what were you thinking?" He bites down hard on the last word. "Were you thinking you would use your newfound authority among the true Wardens to run a personal errand and lie about what it was?"

[doneisdone]

She takes a moment to consider, averting her eyes. What was she thinking? She's asked herself the very same plenty of times, but this is the first time she's been expected to answer.

"...that it would work," she finally decides, flatly, and looks back at him. Might as well be honest for once.

[pinprick]

A sneer. That was what he'd been afraid of.

"You fool," he hisses. "We make a decision to uphold Warden integrity against everything striving to tear it down and the first time you think it will work, you do the exact thing we defined ourselves by being resolved not to do. Now what makes us different from the ones who brought down a royal line and usurped its country?"

[doneisdone]

Maybe it's just his phrasing, or the discomfort of the moment, but Teren abruptly finds that she physically cannot resist smirking. Perhaps Alistair has rubbed off on her after all.
What makes her different from someone who brings down royal lines and usurps countries? At the moment, the fact that she never successfully did so.

She covers her mouth, trying to avoid angering him further. It's not amusing in a pleasant way, but the irony is more than she can withstand.

[pinprick]

The smirk, aimed at him, is one he does not miss. But to chase that line of thought would be to give in to diversion, and give that smirk a power it doesn't have.

"Smiling isn't an answer," he growls. "If you hear those accusations and you smile, I don't want you here. I want you to walk away right now and join the traitors. Because the only way we can be better is to be better."

[doneisdone]

Precious thing.
Though she does eventually school the smirk off her face, Teren's expression then goes harder than before. Whether or not she's in the wrong is hardly up for debate, but she can only handle so much of a person half her age trying to make her feel small.
"Well we don't always get what we want, do we, Warden Howe," she replies, quietly, with an edge of warning. Her manner is still aloof, her temper restrained, because once they've both lost that, it's all over.
"Are you quite finished."

[pinprick]

His eyes narrow.

"You know a great deal about how to say stupid things while making them sound like you have a better idea. But you haven't spoken for yourself. You haven't spoken for nearly getting yourself and Alistair killed. And where would that have left me, Teren?"

[doneisdone]

"A captain at the helm of a sinking ship, I expect," she replies in a low, measured voice, meeting Nathaniel's eyes again. "Alistair was not killed, and as a result the matter of his involvement is one to be dealt with by he and I."
She picks up the axe again, better than to have idle hands, and positions the splitter as though to signal she's had enough of the conversation.

"The thing happened. It's over, it was idiotic, it wasn't what any of us expected, least of all me. Short of traveling back to the time before I received that blighted letter, there's little I can do to change that." Time travel! Ridiculous.

[pinprick]

"You can apologize," Nathaniel says, and his words drip from the heat, "and you can relinquish your position as a commander of the Wardens. You failed them. You failed those under your command. You deserve to stand among them now, as one of them, and be under the power you wielded over them. Perhaps they will be more accepting of how you minimalize what you have done."

[doneisdone]

At first, Teren looks shocked. But then, impossibly, she barks a laugh, which turns into a fit of laughter so strong that she has to set down the axe again and steady herself on the stump.
"Better to castrate a mare," she says with a grin, as rare as it is bitter, "you bloody fool, you've never even..."
Closing her eyes briefly, she shakes her head.

"I've never been a commander of the Wardens," she replies, and though she's technically smiling, there's something venomous about it as well. "You, like the rest of the honorable infallible Wardens, just took it for granted that I was. First assignment I got, walked into camp and was given charge over the newest recruits, because I look like somebody's mum." Her smile becomes a sneer as she leans toward him, her disdain fully evident.
"When you're new to an organization that tried to kill you from the get-go, already middle aged and well used to being given orders by those with no concern whatsoever with your welfare, you shut your mouth and you take it into stride.

So yes, fine, Nathaniel, I hereby step down from my position as Commander. Get the bloody fireworks, a momentous day it is."

[pinprick]

"Then get in line with the rest of us," Nathaniel snarls. "You'll find most of us had a rocky introduction and little to expect from this order. And yet there's no anarchy, there's no Other which lets us claim honor and dignity independent of any power or organization or government. Get to your tent, Warden."

[doneisdone]

A rocky introduction, there's the understatement of the year. Teren's expression matches Nate's as he pulls rank, though she also bears an uncharacteristically frenzied look about her, as though she's an inch from snapping and he's not making it easier.
She heaves the blade of the axe back into the stump with far more force than necessary, then proceeds to stalk past him with a hissed, "as you say, ser."
It's not like she expected anything else of this revelation, but as she makes her way back into the camp, she's nearly delirious with the rushing adrenaline.
She could just leave, of course. Blame the Calling if she gets caught, otherwise just vanish from Skyhold's doorstep and no one would be the wiser. But then what? Go off and die? Go find yet another organization to be leashed to and used until all freedom and vitality is well and truly a thing of the past?

She goes to her tent instead, for the time being. It's lucky she hasn't had a roommate since Blackwall, because otherwise someone might bear witness to her moment of weakness, as she sits curled on her bedroll and knots her fingers into her hair as though she could just tear out every shred of disgust and betrayal she's felt over the course of her miserable, wasted life.

Had she ever been so pathetic as to believe in honor?