OPEN | We don’t have to fall from grace

[keenly]

WHO: Colin, with a few closed starters for Nathaniel
WHAT: Open/catch-all log for May
WHEN: Bloomingtide
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: Starters inside. Let me know if you want something.

General Store

Colin has come to love this place. After six months here, it has come to smell like cloves and cedarwood. All the spices he uses in cooking have seasoned the wood panels. It really feels like it belongs to him now, even if the property belongs to the Inquisition courtesy of the City of Kirkwall.

At the moment, he is baking rather than cooking, this time more for therapy than anything else. There is something meditative about kneading dough. It's impossible not to slow down when doing this, be in the moment, stop worrying. A simple life is all he ever wanted, and that's what making bread means. It is a staple--easy and simple to make but vital to the function of one's house and therefore empowering. This is important work.

Gallows Garden

In one of the gardens, Colin sits on a patch of grass with his face turned upward toward the sun, eyes shut. He breathes deeply and evenly, and neither peeks nor starts when footsteps are heard. He knows you're there, but he's not thinking about you. He's emptying his mind. Somehow, the feel of sunlight works like a mantra, a white noise he can feel. His mother would say it's the Antivan in him that makes him love sunlight. Colin thinks it's the mage in him. For ten years, he wasn't allowed very much sunlight. Now, he can have his fill of it. He can hoard it all greedily and no one will know the difference. No one has the right to stop him or demand for him to justify this indulgence, or ask who said he could spend so much time sitting and doing nothing in the sunlight.

So his brown skin gets browner by the day, dark hair developing faint caramel highlights, but most importantly, some of his nervous mannerisms are being smoothed out. He can be seen leaving the garden looking, and feeling, lighter than air.

The Market

"I want the one that spit at me," Colin can be heard saying. It makes sense because he's at a clam stall. It's about five o'clock in the morning and he has just decided what lunch will be today. A merchant takes a scoop and digs through the clams. Several spit in different directions, each stream of water two or three feet long.

"You want to eat that one?" the merchant laughs, dumping clams into Colin's outstretched bag.

"Oh yes," Colin says firmly, smiling wickedly.

When all is done and paid for, Colin starts back to the Gallows. After a few paces he stops, looking at a shirt hanging at another merchant's stall. It is beautiful--bright, hand-painted silk. It is also expensive. Far less expensive are the tiny bits of jewelry at the same stall. He starts looking over a tray with numerous earrings, clearly distracted from his task. One clam gives one final, defiant spit before resigning itself to its parched fate.

Darktown Clinic

Maybe you are a volunteer here. Maybe you are a patient. Either way, Colin is here after work several times a week, and he isn't just here giving out potions. Here, he practices real healing magic, as someone who barely practices magic at all otherwise. This month, Colin is giving out Adalia's rain boots to every scavenger presenting with trench foot.

Of course, Darktown's shady reputation comes from somewhere. Today, a man sidles up to Colin as he works and claps an arm around his shoulders, starting to talk about how good a man he is and how he's making a real difference. He talks loudly, and as soon as Colin knows what he's up to (and he lived in Denerim--it doesn't take long), he shoves him away.

"Don't touch me," he growls, patting down his own pockets and finding--yes. Yes, that is his purse gone. He shouldn't have brought it here.

Annnnnd the man is already running away. Colin follows as far as the door with a sigh. Using magic to stop a pickpocket seems excessive, and there wasn't that much money in there, and...sigh.

Okay. He's over it.

Comments

Kostos

[keenly]

The lessons have been interesting, if a bit tricky to show up for some days at first. But it's the meditation that has really done the trick. Not only for Colin's control, but his anxiety has gone from a ball-and-chain to a braided anklet--always there, but no longer keeping him in one place. It has been damn near miraculous.

At the beginning of the lesson--not the end--Colin twists his hands, not looking anxious so much as nervous. You know, in that way that's partly excitement and partly fear that he'll be told no.

"Um. Enchanter?"

Simon

[keenly]

Meet me in the courtyard in the templar tower at seven. I have something to ask of you in confidence.

--Colin

When Simon arrives, Colin is pacing the length of the courtyard. It has been some time since they spoke, and Colin has used it to...consider. Think. Adjust. He is doing all three of those. And he has decided that this is to be a two-way street. Compassion cannot have meant for him to merely bestow some manner of divine mercy upon this templar. It wants empathy. It wants understanding, and a willingness to let go of the past. To see that Colin does not, unlike most, put up imaginary barriers between his sort of mortal being and Simon's. Compassion has to know that Colin will not misuse its magic and make it into a demon. So Colin must show it what sort of man he is.

He stops and looks up when Simon arrives. And swallows. It's not the petrified terror that seized him before, just the knowledge that this is going to be a long, difficult afternoon. He gestures to a small table nearby. There is no food on it, only a pitcher of cold lemonade and two glasses. Kirkwall is both a port city and surrounded by mountains, so both lemons and ice can be found.

Anders

[keenly]

They are wrapping up the clinic late at night--before midnight, thankfully--and in the darkness, it becomes clear that Colin's chest is glowing.

Just a little. There seems to be something small dangling behind his shirt that he hasn't realized has been activated.

[justice_is_blond]

A glow around a mage isn't the most unusual thing... but it's not usually at their chest. It tends to be the hands or the whole body, and so while the light doesn't initially catch Anders' eye as odd, once he's seen it it's pretty clear something is off.

And he has a hunch as to what the something is.

"Wearing a new accessory?" he asks, attempting a light tone.

Ignis

[keenly]

Finally, they are starting these little meet-ups after so long of talking about them. The illness, phylactery business, and the strike have all stolen the last few months away, but now they are in the kitchen. The candles are safely away from where they could be knocked against. The kitchen is effectively Ignis-proofed. Now it's to start.

"I've a number of staple ingredients to choose from," he tells Ignis. "What sort of thing would you like to make?"

Alban

[keenly]

Colin looks up as Alban enters. Not everyone in Darktown is wicked or even particularly unhappy, which is why it's nice to see Alban's particular disposition step into the room.

"Good day, serah," he says with a smile, drying his hands from washing them. "How are we feeling?"

Anders

[pinprick]

Nathaniel called ahead to let Anders know he was docking--Maker bless the sending crystals--and now he climbs off the jolly boat to the dock itself. As he picks his way through the crowd of departing passengers, he looks for Anders. Being gone from him for so long has been maddening. Heartbreaking. Once he sees his face, all of that will go away.

Loghain

[pinprick]

Nathaniel has spent the last month at Griffon Wing Keep, sorting out some matters of morale and discipline. Now he turns up at the office. Alistair is out at the moment, with only Loghain in the room. Nathaniel places a copy of his report on Alistair's desk, then passes another to Loghain.

"Disciplinary matters at Griffon Wing Keep have been smoothed out, for the moment," he summarizes. "How have things been here?"

Alistair

[pinprick]

They're still not really friends. Or they might be, in a technical sense. They don't joke around together. They don't get a pint at a pub together at the end of a day. But Nathaniel and Alistair happen to have been in each others' vicinity during some tough times, and have been civil to each other during them. Is that friendship? Unlucky happenstance? Being a decent person?

If it's friendship, Nathaniel hasn't been a very good friend since Maric died (for real). There was the blue fever, there was a lengthy trip to the Western Approach, and now Nathaniel is back and feeling very awkward because he feels like he should say something about Maric and doesn't know what. Is it too late for that now?

They've been working in the office today. Loghain is out at the moment, so it's only the two of them. And Nathaniel makes a giant step.

"Do you want to get a pint after this?" he asks out of nowhere.

[keenly]

Colin's hand immediately goes to his chest, pressing the phylactery against his ribs. Then he looks down and peeks under his hand. He doesn't say anything, but he glances around to make sure they're alone before pulling the bottle out by the string it's on. The bottle is wrapped tightly in twine, one strand of which has shifted enough to expose glass and the glow behind it. He deftly goes about fixing the problem, still saying nothing.

[justice_is_blond]

He's quiet as Colin goes about hiding the glow, eyes back on his own work putting the last few things in order for the morning. It's not enough of a distraction. What does he say? His own student has held on to his phylactery... why? Anders is glad Colin has control of it, that it's not elsewhere, but he still can't wrap his mind around people actually keeping the things.

There's freedom to be had, but some mages hang on to the ball and chain around their ankle.

"Why do you keep it?" His voice is still light. He wants to understand, not accuse, even as he worries for Colin.

[justice_is_blond]

Sometimes everything is exhausting. A lot of times, really. He wishes he could keep out of matters, that he didn't care as much as he did about far too many things, but he can't stop. Doing it alone is the hardest part, though. There's nothing to keep him from his darker thoughts and fears and moods.

And then Nate calls, and everything seems better.

He'd wrapped up his current project quickly and made his way to the docks with haste... though not too much haste. There are enough people around here who know who he is that if he was to run, it might start a panic. His progress feels far too slow but then he's there and so is Nate, looking around, and Anders' world shrinks down to pushing through people and throwing his arms around his husband. This is where he feels belonging and like things might actually be okay in the end.

[keenly]

Colin scarcely blinks while he removes equipment from the hot rinse water. It takes him several seconds to reply, as he has to consider his answer.

"I don't know." A faint shrug. "It's power. Power someone else held over me. It's nice to just...have it. Knowing I don't have to get rid of it immediately. I don't have to decide what to do with it right away. That bit of power they held, it belongs to me now."

[justice_is_blond]

Reclaiming the power. It makes sense as a concept, the way some are staying in the lower-asset former mage tower of the Gallows rather than the former Templar tower that has more amenities, but this particular form of reclaiming feels like walking around with a snake wrapped around one's neck just waiting for it to bite.

"You don't fear them reclaiming it? Or a spell hurled against you having double the effect if it strikes you in the front?" It is Colin's life and Colin's choice, and there is a limit at which Anders' protectiveness is no longer an asset. He needs to keep that in mind for both their sakes.

[keenly]

"If they want me, they'll make a new one, and I'm never in combat. And even if on some chance a fireball hit me, I'd be just as...immolated, either way." Colin shrugs. "There are many things to worry about that are much more likely to happen. This, I'm all right with not fretting over."

[pinprick]

If he doesn't crack one of Anders' ribs, it's not for lack of trying. It's like he's trying to absorb the man into his body, as if the distance they've spent can be erased by present closeness. But he does release him enough to kiss him passionately, uncaring of who sees them. They're not the only lovers kissing in reunion on this dock.

After, he takes Anders' hand and sets off in the direction of the ferry to the Gallows. "Let's go. I need a bath, you, and dinner in that order."

[justice_is_blond]

He'd fought so hard to break free, and he wonders if this is a little bit of what Myr had been getting at weeks ago. The ones who didn't run, who hadn't experienced that particular fear, wouldn't understand it. As mages spend more time away from the Circle, the urgency would fade.

If the danger isn't pressing, it loses its impact.

"It's a chain," he says quietly. "That they can make another chain doesn't change its purpose or potential. I'm not going to try to tell you what to do with it, but you're finding independence, life, a footing of your own. That," and he jerks his thumb in the direction of Colin's chest, "is something that can be wrapped right back around your throat."

He wants so much better for Colin, but Colin's life isn't his.

"I smashed mine. They could make another, I've no doubt there's desire to, but I'll not make it easy for them to take me in again should they find the way clear to do so. If all else fails, I'll be a thorn in the side of all of those who want the Circles back."

[justice_is_blond]

Thankfully they manage to leave the docks without injury. Anders likes having his ribs intact nearly as much as he likes having Nate around. Soon they're in the ferry and he's curled up against Nate's side for the ride across the water.

"Everything you need, you'll have," he says warmly. "I've missed you. There's been politics, and more Darkspawn in the Deep Roads, my favorite, but at least we got in and out with everyone surviving. I can't say uninjured, it wasn't just Darkspawn down there, there were traitor Wardens, but everyone's whole enough. How was training the little Wardens?" Maybe not so little, exactly, but 'little' feels better than 'baby.'

[keenly]

"If someone wants to take it from me, I'll crush it first. But right now, you're the second person who knows I even have mine. And the other is the one who brought it to me."

Ordinarily Colin's patience goes far, but he's feeling it strain now. He doesn't have to justify this to anyone. And if Anders thinks he's not afraid enough, if Anders wants him to be more afraid, Anders isn't prepared to reap the rewards of his own revolution.

[pinprick]

"I don't want to talk about work," Nathaniel sighs, dropping his cheek against Anders' head. Then he contradicts himself by launching into it. "Matters of poor morale leading to poor discipline. Just having someone visiting to look into matters helped, and there was a great deal of cooperation. I'm confident I left everything on the right track."

[justice_is_blond]

He looks over at the young man and then looks down as he finishes his final task. There are times when he wonders if he's lying to himself when he believes he can have any sort of positive impact on the future. This is one of them; he can't even get his apprentice free.

Anders steps back and picks up his staff, slotting it into the straps on his back and preparing to head back up top.

"Who?" he finally asks. At least someone had brought it to Colin, and he can be thankful about that. It's not in Inquisition hands for Colin to be judged worthy or not, criminal or not.

[justice_is_blond]

He snickers as Nate talks about it anyway, giving his husband a little squeeze around the waist.

"I won't push. And you're already changing morale for the better here, I'll have you know." It's a little scary, every now and then, when he realizes how desperately he needs Nate. His trust of his husband eases that, though. "There's... There's a few people who I definitely prefer to have around. It's not the most, mm. Comforting? Safe? I don't know what word to use. I'm more vulnerable because I care, but I want to care."

He shrugs as if he's talking about something as simple as weather.

"I'd not stop if I could, but it does mean I'll always be a little afraid. I don't know how people with large families manage."

[keenly]

There's a lengthy pause. Colin doesn't think Anders would get Kostos in trouble, least of all for this, but he doesn't think Kostos would thank Colin for telling anyone. After some deliberation, he shakes his head.

"He wouldn't want you knowing. Wouldn't want anyone knowing, not you in particular. He'd probably have a fit if anyone knew he did something nice."

A shrug. That might have been too many clues. Or just enough clues. But nobody can say Colin told anyone.

[pinprick]

"Oh?" Nathaniel finds himself toying with Anders' hand, running his thumb up and down the back of it. Anders' hands are always so soft. "If you had to choose who would be in our lives forever, then, who would you take with us?"

[justice_is_blond]

The long pause and the shake of the head make Anders wonder if Colin even trusts him, if somehow he's failed more than he knows, but then there's a very large clue there that's easy enough to follow. Male, doesn't like to be known for being nice, was with them to get the phylacteries? Add to that the fact that Kostos hadn't stopped Anders from pocketing one himself, and it feels like a very safe guess. And like Colin had simply been trying to not exactly name the man.

"It would also verge on not-quite-Loyalist behavior, and he'd not want that." Anders deliberately doesn't look at Colin as he says it - it's not a question or a test or a prodding for confirmation. "Let's head up. We don't want the regular ferry guards getting antsy and wondering if we're all right."

And by that, he means he doesn't want the ferry guards wondering if he's getting up to something destructive. He's watched. It's exhausting, but it's his own fault, so he tries not to make it worse when it doesn't put a burden on him or others. Anders waves to the night shift attendants before starting to walk, expecting Colin to walk with him.

"Do you... Do you still find it worth it to have me teaching you?" There have been a few things of late they're not on the same page with. This. Forgiving Templars who might not ask for it. Some would see it as more than enough reason to find another teacher, though Anders hopes that's not the case with Colin and there's a little hint of that in his voice.