It's almost like weathering Ellie after she found out what he used to do for a living. Because it is a weathering, to face it and to let it wash over and to be somewhat diminished in the wake but to be still standing even still. Stephen's a doctor. Was a doctor. Is. His job is to help patients live their best lives. And Mobius knows people have made it through withdrawal to the other side.
But that's not the point. The point is that he can't do what he does without it, so he has to keep taking it.
"You could say I'm not so noble. I've felt withdrawal before; I don't really want that in my life ever again if I can help it. That's one of those things that makes an addiction an addiction. I don't want to kick the habit; I like the habit. You could tell me we have other ways of fighting the Venatori that don't involve neutralizing magic. You could tell me I'm crazy."
That last point never used to hurt. And he would still ignore anyone who suggested it. But deep in those ruins, when he didn't know who he was, who anyone else was (a taste of things to come), he can still hear those damn birds. Crazy and unrighteous and deluded and ignoble and forgotten. And forgetting. Stephen didn't think him crazy after divulging that the reason he does what he does, why he's with Riftwatch, is just because of signs and portents he thinks he sees in his life. Ellie had shared some experiences. Astarion had humored him, at least, in that cat-like way he had.
Rifters seem to understand it better. The strange and the weird and the miraculous.
It doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
"The red stuff? Does what the blue stuff does but tenfold. Bigger, stronger, bolder. More addicted. They lose themselves in a way that's much faster and much more horrifying. That, that thing I've lost brothers and sisters to, that scares me more than a slow descent. And I gotta tell you, the slow descent scares the piss out of me, but it's a fear that I'm willing to live with so I can keep doing my job. When I die, I want it to be doing my job; I want it to be protecting people from the very real evil that's in this world. So you can argue, if you want. I won't stop you; I'll even try to listen. I almost wish you would," he admits. "But you're not going to change my mind. This is what I was chosen to do."
no subject
It's almost like weathering Ellie after she found out what he used to do for a living. Because it is a weathering, to face it and to let it wash over and to be somewhat diminished in the wake but to be still standing even still. Stephen's a doctor. Was a doctor. Is. His job is to help patients live their best lives. And Mobius knows people have made it through withdrawal to the other side.
But that's not the point. The point is that he can't do what he does without it, so he has to keep taking it.
"You could say I'm not so noble. I've felt withdrawal before; I don't really want that in my life ever again if I can help it. That's one of those things that makes an addiction an addiction. I don't want to kick the habit; I like the habit. You could tell me we have other ways of fighting the Venatori that don't involve neutralizing magic. You could tell me I'm crazy."
That last point never used to hurt. And he would still ignore anyone who suggested it. But deep in those ruins, when he didn't know who he was, who anyone else was (a taste of things to come), he can still hear those damn birds. Crazy and unrighteous and deluded and ignoble and forgotten. And forgetting. Stephen didn't think him crazy after divulging that the reason he does what he does, why he's with Riftwatch, is just because of signs and portents he thinks he sees in his life. Ellie had shared some experiences. Astarion had humored him, at least, in that cat-like way he had.
Rifters seem to understand it better. The strange and the weird and the miraculous.
It doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
"The red stuff? Does what the blue stuff does but tenfold. Bigger, stronger, bolder. More addicted. They lose themselves in a way that's much faster and much more horrifying. That, that thing I've lost brothers and sisters to, that scares me more than a slow descent. And I gotta tell you, the slow descent scares the piss out of me, but it's a fear that I'm willing to live with so I can keep doing my job. When I die, I want it to be doing my job; I want it to be protecting people from the very real evil that's in this world. So you can argue, if you want. I won't stop you; I'll even try to listen. I almost wish you would," he admits. "But you're not going to change my mind. This is what I was chosen to do."