faderift | CLOSED - When the dark night seems endless

Justice had been pushing... but so had Adelaide. This means that while Anders is a little strained and on the more-tired side of things, he's at least eaten and is still on the path of regaining weight.

There's always more work to do, though, even when there aren't patients. He's distractedly working on cleaning and preparing for the next wave when he feels someone coming up behind him. Anders turns, prepared to ask what's going on. Instead, he's greeted by a smile.

He doesn't mean to blink and stare. He really doesn't. But it's still new for him to find a smile aimed in his direction, and it's taking time for him to adjust to Nate being here too. After a beat, Anders gives him a small smile back.

"I didn't know you were headed out here. Welcome to the snow and ice." Though this is convenient. There's something he both wants to discuss and doesn't. "Do you have something you're doing right now?"

Nathaniel shakes his head. "I heard something round here was of interest to Wardens. Thought I'd see how you're holding up. Something on your mind?"

Interest to the Wardens. He pushes the mix of emotions that thought brings to the back of his mind before focusing on what actually concerns him.

"I... Yes. Let's take a walk?" Because he certainly can't talk here, where there's traffic and the risk of being overheard. Anders quickly washes and dries his hands before tilting his head to the side to indicate a direction. "I've been thinking about what you said, before."

Both expression and voice are serious. Justice feels that no one should be given authority over them, but Anders has au least gotten the spirit to concede the point that it would be easier to help if they weren't always looking over their shoulder. That, at least, they can agree on. They certainly don't see eye-to-eye on the guilt Anders feels.

"Regarding speaking to people about my... situation. People in authority."

Oh. Oh. Nathaniel had expected to be asked a small favor, or something. This is a little like holding your hand out for a hammer and receiving a wounded bird instead. He glances over his shoulder, then touches Anders' shoulder to lead him toward the nearest wide-open space he can find: the frozen river. Even sitting at the bank, they can only be overheard from certain directions.

His smile is gone. It gnaws at him now, that he has placed this dangerous idea in Anders' mind--and Anders is considering it, for good or ill. It's true, he believes this is the best chance Anders has, but can he live with himself if it goes wrong?

"All right."

He sees the change in expression and hesitates, lips pressing together. Again he's asking a great deal of something, atno gain to them. It's what he's done since he got here, lie to those who don't know him and ask the rest to put themselves at risk. For a few moments after they reach the bank he's quiet before finally finding his voice. The way he's gone about this has done precious few any favors and it's time to try to turn that around.

"I'm thinking about going to the Wardens, whomever may be in charge. I..." could still be executed. He'd deserted on top of everything else. "The others, I don't know that I should approach. I've little doubt Cullen loathes me any less than I do him. I think it would be over as soon add it began, and that would present other problems."

Justice, for instance. But there are also others who will be hurt who he doesn't want to wound further. Better if this is dealt with by the party he's given an oath to. Cleaner. Simpler. Before everything falls apart.

That makes some sense. Hide behind the party he's pissed off the least. The chevalier-trained part of Nathaniel reaches for the word coward (the same word was applied to archery once, but out loud and by the chevalier himself), but the rest of him is drawn by the pragmatism of it. Really, it's no different from reaching out to allies to form a plan of defense. He has to know what his options are, and begin to make amends in ways that are least likely to end in his death.

"Hercules is a good man, from what I know of him. I would go to him first. Kaidan is a mage and might have his own opinions. I don't know him well enough to guess what those might be. Do you..."

He doesn't like the implications this holds, but he can't abide not offering.

"Would you want me there with you?" To protect him. From other Wardens. Andraste preserve him.

What a question. Yes, he wants Nate there. Anders didn't want to face this alone. But at the same time he doesn't want to drag anyone down with him. Bad enough that so many will be implicated in knowing who he is, Nate included. Anders has names now, he can approach on his own to discuss matter without getting anyone else in more trouble. At the same time, Nate offered.

"Only if you'll also think of yourself. I would like the company, but I don't want to cost you more than you can afford." The Wardens wouldn't kick him out, they were for life (most of the time,) but they both know full well how miserable a small group of people can make life for a Warden.

"I should have thought before asking you to room with me, but there's no denying you know me now. You and Varric are the two who could well be called out on that." And Varric because he'd gone and saved Anders from Cassandra.

"Anders. You haven't committed any crimes here." Emphasis on here. Obviously he has committed shiploads of crime elsewhere. "Therefore, I cannot possibly be complicit in them. And anyway, most people already hate me. That's not what I'm--"

No. Not going to place the burden of guilt on Anders if Nathaniel has to physically defend Anders from other Wardens. But he does not think that will come to pass.

"You might remember, at least, that we're an order of pariahs, thieves, and murderers. Judging you would be rather hypocritical of us."

Us. Because he's trying to find where he is, if his loyalty is to be tested.

Pariahs, thieves, and murderers. When he'd first joined up that hadn't fit so well. Now? Now it fits, despite Justice's opinion on rightness and what was, well, just. Anders is a murderer. He straightens where he's during and looks past Nate. This is the path they're on, and there is no other route to take. They came to Skyhold knowing that the road might end here.

Anders takes a breath and nods. Justice hates when he dithers, and it's time to move forward and deal with what is to come.

"I've an upcoming assignment, orders regarding what we're doing here. Once they're completed I'll join whomever is returning to Skyhold and turn myself in to Hercules or Kaidan, whichever I find first."

His hand drops down to his belt pouch, the one he had a spell working to keep warm. Purrelden still sleeps there, unaware of how her life might be about to change. He'd been selfish to accept the cat, selfish and short-sighted. Justice's smug agreement with that thought makes him feel ill. There's nothing to be done about it, though, cat or spirit.

He has to keep himself from telling Anders not to do it, that it's crazy and he'll get himself killed. But that would be wrong for both sides. Justice is a threat to the Inquisition as much as the Inquisition is to Anders. Justice is the most likely to get multiple people hurt or killed. But if Anders becomes another person he couldn't save, Nathaniel isn't sure what he will do.

"I won't let anything bad happen to you." It's an optimistic promise, but Nathaniel needs to hear himself say it. Maybe Anders does as well. "I'll break you out of the cells myself if I must."

Maker, this one. Just let me save this one.

Edited 2016-02-18 18:11 (UTC)

"Nate." There's pain in his voice as he reaches out and stops, hand not quite making contact with the man's shoulder because he doesn't know if he should.

"Please. Please don't throw away your life for mine." He shakes his head, hand still out. "I've... I've made this mess. You don't have to pay for it."

The help is something he wants. The price is far too high.

If Anders won't finish that contact, Nathaniel will. He moves in and wraps his arms around Anders, hugging him tightly.

"That's the way this works. I've been shown grace, so I pass it on to those who've gone without."

He found it at age thirty. Long years spent unloved until he could wake up, and Anders was there at the awakening. He couldn't pass it on to anyone he wanted to give it to until now.

He breaks the hug and holds Anders at arm's length, looking serious.

He clings to Nate for the few moments the hug lasts, feeling the weight of guilt bear down upon him. Nate's been shown grace, but only for the last several years. To take it away...

Once the hug is apart, Anders looks back into Nathaniel's eyes. His own gaze is heavy.

"If you lost that grace, your chance at better, because of me, I don't know that I could bear that." He's so tired of being alone in things, but he's even more tired of dragging people down. Of costing them so much.

"I don't want to tell you not to help, but please don't risk everything for me." He isn't worth it.

"You have no faith in my infiltration skills," Nathaniel says lightly, giving Anders' shoulder a squeeze. "And I've gotten better over the years. But if I'm somehow caught, I won't have lost that grace because of you. It's Duty. I'm very old-fashioned that way."

"Your infiltration skills are as good as my staying-escaped ones," he retorts, but there isn't heat in it. How can there be? He has a friend who wants to stand up for him. It's not smart. At all. There's a river of blood on his hands and he's not about to deny it to the Wardens. But Nate still cares, and in the midst of all of the guilt and fear, the caring feels good.

A little tentatively, Anders reaches up to rest his hand over Nate's.

"Thank you. I don't want you caught, I don't want you in trouble. But knowing that someone wants to stand with me makes all of the rest of this more bearable." If he dies, he won't die hated by absolutely everyone. It's a small thing, and such an important one.

A slight swat at the back of Anders' head when he makes the jab about infiltration. But he listens. And he loosens up, and moves in for another hug.

"Don't worry about me. The only reason the Wardens caught me was because I was staring at the empty trophy room in my family's old home."

Stopped wanting to kill Cousland at that point. Stopped wanting to live, too.

He shouldn't lean back into this hug as well, he should try to establish some distance, but Anders craves far more contact and affection than he ever gets. One of his arms loops around Nate as well as he returns the hug and relaxes there.

"So if we are to escape, we'll simply need to make sure our path takes us through rooms full of distractions. Nothing empty, nothing unused."

Anders' voice is a little muffled due to the hug, but he doesn't want to pull away. He'll let go when Nate does and not sooner.

"And then I need to somehow not be entirely hopeless. I've not the first idea when it comes to how not to get caught." The light amusement then leaves his voice after he takes a breath. "If it comes down to it, though... If it does, I know someone who likes big boats who will likely let us board."

Contrary to his earlier inclinations, Anders straightens a little. That's another person he'd be asking to help him, another he'll be getting in trouble. Likely Isabela won't mind, but it's not about the minding. It's about him bringing other people down with him. Maybe if they choose execution they'll kill him quickly and no one will have time to ruin their lives further for his sake.

Oh. Well. Nathaniel wasn't offering to go with Anders, just to help him escape. He prays quietly to the Maker to never let it come to that. Now really isn't the time to go over the fine details of their contract.

A hand rubs up and down Anders' back. Maybe it's all his exposure to Bethany, but Nathaniel isn't minding the prolonged hug.

He gives a faint huff, though.

"The trophy room was where I used to hide when I was a boy. I used to imagine myself riding into battle in my father's armor, carrying my great-uncle's sword. Seeing it empty, I...sort of lost track of time."

"I used to hide in the family barn when I was small. The loft, specifically. It was cooler up there, and I could dream about all sorts of things."

And then one day he'd been angry while up there and set it on fire. It's a sort of metaphor for his life, really.

"I could lose whole afternoons there. And now neither of us are even close to the positions we expected to be in when we became adults." Howe is no lord, and Anders is no farmer. "I can't say I blame you for getting distracted by the change. But I'm still sticking to the plan. As simple as possible. No cows, no trophy rooms."

The backrub is soothing, and it lets him imagine that maybe there's still a chance of survival. He likes imagining that. Justice does not. If they're fully on the run, there's no room for the spirit to fulfill his purpose. The thought of what Justice might do if this doesn't go well is frighting, and one he doesn't want to confront.

"Don't borrow tomorrow's trouble for today." Man, Anders really needed a hug, didn't he? "We'll consider our escape when it looks like it'll be necessary.

"And it wasn't the change, it was..."

...Yeah, gonna let this one go. Have to divert the subject away from death and stuff. The present is dour enough without dredging up the past. Nathaniel breaks off the hug and nods toward the frozen river. Or more specifically, to the small island in the middle of the ice, the one with a ruined tower.

"Were you much of an explorer as a boy? Wonder what's over there?"

Edited 2016-02-19 04:03 (UTC)

He had needed that hug. Striding into the Gallows, knowing what was coming, had mostly been Justice. The certainty of the spirit had made everything feel fitting and natural, and then it was over and it was time to await judgment. Now he's planning on walking in and it's entirely him.

It's not right this moment, however, and a distraction is entirely welcome.

"I was, actually." He gets up and stretches. "Nearly drowned as a small child, so my mother took the time to teach me to swim." A small smile comes back to his lips. "The Templars never saw that one coming. And then they got reminded of the fact that they wear metal suits when a couple jumped in after me. That was a nice head start."

Nathaniel starts walking him toward the island in the middle of the river, the ice easily thick enough to support their weight. Little steps, though. A smile glows on his face at Anders' story. That's the Anders he used to know.

"My father took me to the Wending Wood a couple of times. We traveled the trade routes. I was learning how to be a lord. I always wanted to dive into the woods and just walk until...whenever I decided to stop. Never really got to do it till I was in the Free Marches."

"You should try running sometime until you decide to stop. It's rather invigorating. ...But definitely skip the pursuers. They don't truly add to the experience. Go for a simple run."

He's inspiring a smile. Anders refuses to dwell on how few he's caused of late. It's a lot easier to not dwell when something moves up ahead of them, on the island, and he pulls out his staff.

"...If that's a dragon, I'll show you how to run." Far more likely it's some small animal, but it's better to be sorry and look dumb wearing a barrier as a bunny hops at you than have a bear's jaw clamped around your leg, so he quickly shields them.

Nathaniel quickly has his bow out. The bottom end he digs into a crack in the ice to keep it steady while he strings it. Unfortunately, as his knee presses against the bow so he can bend it, his feet have no traction to keep him from slipping and landing on his face.

Which he does.

I won't let anything bad happen to you, he says, and falls down.

He sees Nate go down and steps between the archer and whatever's coming, bracing... for a snoufleur to leap out of the bush and go running. Anders waits in case there was someone else, anything else, please, for the love of the Maker, but no. No. Nate's on his ass and Anders has staff out and barrier up against a snoufluer that's already made a break for it.

"I won't tell anyone if you don't." To think they used to fight waves of Darkspawn together. This is embarrassing.

Anders turns away from the now-empty bush and holds out a hand for Nate.

Nathaniel looks positively steamed. And Anders' comment seems to him to be a little more directed at Nathaniel than at himself, covering up Nathaniel's spectacular fall as a gesture of kindness. But Anders seems to be embarrassed as well. So. He takes the offered hand and gingerly begins to stand up. A six-foot-two longbowman trying to move on ice is sort of like an elephant trying to move on ice. Big, lumbering, and hilarious as shit.

"Delilah used to make me slide on the ice on the creek with her. Half the game was trying to push each other down. I was scrawnier back then."

About eighteen years shooting a longbow has made dramatic changes to Nathaniel's physique. Always weird when his clothes fit his left shoulder differently than his right.

Edited 2016-02-21 00:02 (UTC)

Nate is definitely not scrawny. He's fit and muscular, and while Anders isn't it bad shape - swinging a staff around did take strength - he's still not fully recovered from his time on the run. Anders slips and almost windsup dropping them back down to the ice before he recovers.

"That's not a game we played," he says once he's caught his breath. "The Anderfels are far too sensible to get this cold, and mages weren't allowed outside much. Our sun and exercise sessions were short-lived, for some reason." Like the aforementioned jump into the lake.

Despite the lightness he's managed to regain in his voice, Anders is still frustrated by how much power they'd had over people who had done nothing wrong. Somehow this freedom needs to be preserved.

"Maybe I should take my students..." Anders trails off. There won't be more students for him. Detlef tracing survival skills is one thing. Anders teaching them is entirely different. "...Do you think that's the base of a tower up there?" Better topic, and one that ddoesn't sting.

"Probably." Nathaniel keeps a hand on Anders' elbow. "Wait."

A notable thought. He's not sure why it disturbs him so much. Maybe it's one thing to restrict a few kids, or just the one, but when it's a bunch of adults and they're never going anywhere...

"You're saying instead of building a fence around the island, they stopped letting all of you outside at all?"

He's a little surprised that Nate is surprised, but that's gone in a moment. People talk about Templars keeping Thedas safe, but what it costs even the mages that keep their heads down is rarely discussed.

"For the actions of one, everyone lost that time." Which is another part of why turning himself in scares him. What might other mages pay when his name is back in the forefront of people's minds? But he needs to do this. The longer he sticks around as Detlef, the greater the chance will be of mages being accused of keeping Anders hidden. Two even are: Bethany, Merrill.

"There were a few mages who were happy, at least? A boy named Finn was the loudest about it. He hated the outdoors." His heart isn't in the deflection, though. He has given them a chance with his actions. Please let them not lose it just as suddenly.

Edited 2016-02-21 03:01 (UTC)

It's another moment of uncomfortable similarity. Someone shrinking your world so you can move less and less, until you're hiding in the trophy room pretending that's all there is. He tries to say something, or even to keep walking toward the island, but his thoughts are caught in a loop. Those were the kinds of games his mother played, taking Delilah and Thomas places without telling Nathaniel they were going anywhere, unless his memory really was that bad and he really had told her he didn't want to go. She liked playing mama with Thomas in particular, so long as she didn't have to sacrifice anything for it. But Nathaniel didn't merit any manner of effort beyond lying. Or criticism. No, actually, not the criticism, which she relished. It appeared to give her energy, even. But Nathaniel wasn't a pretty child, he didn't make a good accessory, so she simply did whatever was cheapest for him. If she had run a tower, she would have kept him inside because it was cheaper than building a fence.

And to think an entire organization thinks this way? And the Chantry certainly has the wealth to build a fence. Who was it who decided, how many people looked at a large group of people under their care, weighed their need for sunshine and exercise, and decided it was less important than the paltry cost of a fence? Even Eliane had had the decency to pay attention to two out of three children.

"I see why you were so determined to leave," he says with a faint growl.

Edited 2016-02-21 04:43 (UTC)

"I could never live in a cage," is his quiet answer. And if the choice is to cage him for what he's done, he doesn't know that he can take that. Better to die. For him, at least. Some thrive in captivity, with the lack of responsibility and choices. He can't understand them. And it doesn't matter. Let them go be captive as they'd like, so long as they don't drag the rest of the mages down with them.

"The world's such a large place. To be held in one building for the rest of one's life... It's unacceptable." His lips tighten and his expression goes wry. "Except for criminals. And that's justice." How can they insist on it for mages and hope to skip it themselves? This is a mess. He's made it, he has only himself to blame, but it's a mess anyway.

"So let's explore while the option's still there." He tilts his head toward the island, ready to resume moving if Nathaniel is.

"So you never slid over the ice as a boy." Nathaniel considers this with a smile. If Anders is going to have a little fun while he can, he ought to do it properly. "Want to learn?"

Anders looks over at Nate, raising an eyebrow as the grim mood is eased a little by the question.

"...There are far preferable ways to wind up with bruises on my ass. You couldn't suggest one of them?" The Wardens have been good for Nathaniel, clearly. They've changed places, Nate trying to cheer up Anders as now the mage dwells on all that's gone wrong. "Sure. Teach me."

If Anders was someone Nathaniel never expected to see again after tonight, that first might have him flustered and interested. As it is, he's merely flustered and pretending not to be.

"Here. Feet apart, knees bent." Nathaniel moves closer to Anders, hands on his waist to steady him.

Meanwhile, Anders has teased Nathaniel for so long that he figures the archer is just ignoring the comment as usual, which means the hands on his waist don't even phase him. Instead he adopts the stance as he's told.

"There are times I can almost here Oghren laughing at us. This is one of those times." The name hurts a little. Chances are he'll never smell that Dwarf again, especially not when he's resolving to hand himself over shortly. "I'd wonder if he ever thinks of us, but then I realize I should hope he doesn't."

It occurs to him that he is touching Anders' waist and telling him to spread his feet and bend his knees. This is not what he would have expected to be doing when he said those things to Anders.

"All right. You'll want to slide one foot at a time, with your toes pointed just a little outward. What I wouldn't give for skates. Let me show you."

He demonstrates, bobbling a little over the uneven parts of the ice.

He watches Nate move, eyes lingering for a moment on his friend's slightly stuck-out ass, before paying more attention to stance and movement again. Tentatively he scoots his first foot out. When he doesn't fall over, it's encouraging enough to get him to try another. For a second he glides, making him jerk, startled, and almost reach out to grab Nate before catching his own balance.

"With more slide, I assume?" Though a little more surprising than the slide is the realization that every time he starts to dwell on something, Nathaniel manages to sidestep it. Hawke had been able to do that too, and Varric, and it reinforces even more that he can't simply run off and hide and be alone again. He needs people. Badly.

"Why don't you scoot farther while I watch, just to be safe?"

"Yes, once you start moving you have to sort of keep moving. Keep in mind I haven't done this since I was a boy." And Mother screamed at him for trying to get Delilah killed.

He begins to demonstrate, but his feet soon start going faster than his body can catch up. He slips a bit as he stops, but manages not to fall down, against all odds and laws of physics. Chevalier training.

"Now come to me." He holds out his hands for Anders to take as he arrives, so he can help stop him.

It's ridiculous. It is absolutely ridiculous, and somehow that makes it charming. Nate makes it all the more so by holding out his hands as if that's not a recipe for disaster for the both of them.

And, it turns out, after Anders starts scooting and discovers he has absolutely no control over this, it is a disaster. Anders slips, grabbing for Nate's hands, and instead of saving himself he winds up pulling the archer down with him to the hard ice in a mess of flailing limbs.

Once down, Anders stays there for a moment, simply staring up at the sky. This is his life.

Blam.

Now Nathaniel is on top of Anders. Again, this is not how he imagined that would happen. He's hurriedly detangling himself from the mage, blushing furiously. Whew. A faint, wheezing laugh.

"I'll have to find us skates. I promise it's easier then."

...Nate's blushing. Nate. Is blushing. Suddenly having a sore and freezing ass was entirely worth it, because he's not sure he's ever seen Nathaniel blush before.

"Harder can be better." He knows Nate's not blushing because of him, but oh, is he going to follow up on this with teasing. "In some cases. Specific ones. Maker knows my life's been all about being harder."

And then he's blushing even harder. Andraste's mercy, for a frozen wilderness, it is damn hot. Harder can be better.

"Well, this should be--" Look at this, he's too flustered to keep his train of thought. "You know. Not harder."

He stands up, careful, cautious.

"This would be a lot better if we had brandy. We'd still be falling on our arses, but it would seem a lot funnier."

"You're not finding this amusing?" The blush looks good on Nate's face, but Anders doesn't want to push too hard. "You didn't use to fluster quite this easily, or maybe I'd forgotten how fun this could be."

Gingerly he gets up, working to not slip over again, finding a shaky balance. "I'm not sure brandy would help much." Justice wouldn't want him drunk, anyway. "But this is pleasant enough. Despite the cold. And the bruised pride. And other parts."

CLOSED - When the dark night seems endless

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