[ CLOSED ] I'm in here, can anybody see me?

[ombranera]

WHO: Cade, Nerva, Zevran
WHAT: Discussing some delicate details
WHEN: After Zevran Returns from Antiva
WHERE: Cade's Room
NOTES: Self flagellation, flogging as therapy (kind of), vaguely BDSM lifestyle related setup.

Nerva's idea, truly, to meet Cade in his room. To discuss this where he would either feel his most safe or his most Vulnerable- Zevran honestly could not say. He kept to the shadows out of habit and followed along behind her as she made her way to the door, as she knocked and was given leave to enter by the Tranquil that tended Cade night and day.

Zevran slipped in afterward, standing off to the side, silent and unobtrusive.

Comments

[onlyhymns]

Cade was made decidedly more uncomfortable by Nerva's presence-- not that she didn't know about what he did on his own time, but it was somehow worse having both her and Zevran in the room together. His face had gone red, and he felt his stomach drop at Zevran's words, but nonetheless nodded again. If it meant he could be alone sometimes, and have privacy and quiet and feel a bit less like an animal, it was worth it.


"..I agree," he said to the floor, his hands clasped and fidgeting between his knees. On the one hand, he almost couldn't believe this conversation was happening. On the other, it wasn't that much weirder than any other aspect of his life lately.

[ombranera]

"Well done. We know this was difficult for you." Well, Zevran did and Nerva could follow along with his lead well enough. Were this anyone else he might offer some manner of physical affirmation for making the choice- but Cade took issue with being touched.

Words would have to do.

[keeperofmagi]

Nerva let out an almost relieved breath, and then nodded.

"It is not an easy situation, but I believe that this may be... better." She paused, and then frowned at him.

"... I wish only to help, Cade. I do not think you deserve what your mind does to you. I - hope I have not hindered as much as I am afraid I have, and that Zevran can help you find some semblance of peace." She glanced back at Zevran and gave another little nod as she stepped back. "I will leave you two to work out the details. Report to me before you retire, Cade. Otherwise you have the day to yourself."

She nodded to the Tranquil, who fell in line beside her, and turned with her as she made to leave.

[onlyhymns]

Cade wasn't expecting to be praised for the decision, and though he uncertainly glanced between them once more, it seemed he was beginning to relax slightly. He had considered a choice for his own life, and it wasn't stupid, and he was being encouraged toward it. A genuinely novel thought. Despite the topic at hand, he felt a little nudge of that same comfort he had felt in his first meeting with Zevran, and when Nerva had brought him away from the hearing: he was cared about.
He still wasn't sure what to make of that.

To Nerva he gave another small nod, then flitted his cautious gaze to Zevran. Once she was out of earshot, he said, in barely more than a whisper, "I'm sorry."

[ombranera]

"Everyone makes mistakes. On the grand scale of things? This is not so terrible. I know it has been some time since we met but I do wish to see your back, to check how it has healed." Those were his rules- anyone else? After they'd entered into this agreement? It would be grounds for ending the arrangement immediately.

But Cade was skittish, terrified, and then everyone was ill, and then the mission to Antiva. There hadn't been time.

[onlyhymns]

Cade waited until the others had left, then finally rose to his feet, skirting sheepishly past Zevran to close the door behind them. He latched it with some hesitance, staring at it, but then glanced back to Zevran and nodded. Glancing next out the window, and apparently satisfied with what he saw, Cade tugged his shirt off with his back to Zevran. It had been a while, so his back was pretty much healed apart from the residual scars from what he'd done to himself before they'd met.

[ombranera]

"May I touch your back?" He does not move from the door until he's given leave to do so. This space is Cade's and he ought not feel uncomfortable or unsafe in his own room. He's viscerally aware of what it might be to lose that safe space.

[onlyhymns]

Cade thinks about it, for a long moment. Then he nods, steeling himself. It will be different, he decides: he didn't mind when Zevran was touching his hair. It wasn't...

...that way.

[ombranera]

"You know what to say if you need this to stop." A gentle reminder as he approached, hands warm and light on his back. He probed the tension in the muscles of his shoulders, feeling the healing abrasions out as compared to the scars left behind from earlier floggings.

Not terrible, but he would have rather he'd seen this back when the welts were fresh.

[onlyhymns]

Cade knew, but he shuddered all the same, tensing his shoulders and squeezing his eyes shut at the first touch. However, he began to settle as Zevran's hands lingered, and although he still wasn't necessarily enjoying it, it didn't feel awful.

He gazed out the small window in the meantime, watching the birds cavort over the rooftops of the cloister.

[ombranera]

When further probing showed no sign of potential blood clots Zevran stepped back, hands dropping to his side. A moment of consideration more of their options, tonight, tomorrow- before he put the choice to Cade. Simple choices where there was no opportunity for failure- those seemed to work best for him. "I will give you a choice. We can do this tonight, or tomorrow morning."

[onlyhymns]

When Zevran stepped back, Cade slipped his shirt back on and turned around, his bearing timid but comprehending. He looked down at his feet, either considering or just avoiding giving an answer, then took a deep breath. "Tonight."
It was already evening. Might as well get it over with, since he'd never be able to sleep if they waited.

[ombranera]

"As you wish. Meet me in the same room as before in a quarter of an hour." Less time than before- less time for Cade to wind himself up and less time for interruptions. Most of what he needed was still packed up in a bag- the chairs still stashed up there.

As best he could tell? No one disturbed the set up.

[onlyhymns]

Cade gave another solemn nod, and that was that.

When he arrived at the empty tower fifteen minutes later, he felt oddly light of spirit, despite what he knew was coming. This was the first time in months he'd been allowed to walk alone, and the freedom of something so simple, so easily taken for granted, was exhilarating. He gave a quiet knock when he arrived at the door, and glanced around the nearby battlements and below to make sure no one was paying attention. From what he could tell, they weren't.

[ombranera]

Just like the time before- the room was warmed by coals in a brazier in the far corner, the same chairs, the same layout of whips, floggers, cats, paddles, and crops. Like before Zevran was sitting and waiting, calling for Cade to enter upon his knocking.

"Do you remember the rules we established last time?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade entered, carefully closed the door behind himself, and moved to sit in the chair across from Zevran. He folded his hands in his lap and nodded as he looked down at them, the pleasant feeling he'd had a moment ago beginning to dwindle back into nervousness.

Under the assumption that he would be expected to say them aloud, Cade cleared his throat and recited, "I'll say 'stop' if it's too much. And I have to take a potion at the end." The salve was an option too, but he was wary of that level of closeness, even if the reason was ostensibly medicinal.

[ombranera]

"Very good." Zevran smiled, letting warmth color his voice. Good that he remembered, good that he was willing to not only recall this but to let it become a part of a new ritual for both of them. That was as important as the space they made for one another and the penance.

"You have your choice for what we use tonight." All leather or polished wood, well broken in and laid out in a neat row.

[onlyhymns]

The tiniest hint of a smile crept onto Cade's lips-- it was nice, unexpectedly so, being affirmed in this way. He looked pensive again as he glanced over the implements, fidgeted, and cast his eyes back to Zevran.
"...you should choose," he said quietly, "it was you I wronged."

[ombranera]

"As you like." He stood, walking to the side table and peering at what was available to them. The cat worked well before- but he'd expressed some surprise and interest in the flogger. If they were to do this to his liking? That would be his choice. He set the cat and all else aside, choosing instead that same flogger he offered Cade first the night before.

"Against the wall, as before." It worked well enough last time, took Cade somewhere he needed to go.

[onlyhymns]

Cade watched him closely and with trepidation, but made no comment or move to protest. He'd given up the choice, and he was comfortable with that.
When instructed to do so, he rose to his feet, carefully removed his shirt as he had before (he hadn't worn a doublet this time, too much hassle), and folded it onto the seat of the chair. Arms folded over his middle, he crossed to the wall, put his hands on it, and waited.
He found that he was shivering again, as he had the first time. This was easier to think about than it was to do, and now that he was here he couldn't help being a little afraid.

[ombranera]

"As before, we will start with five, then I shall check in- as this is a different kind of pain. If you wish this to stop?" Rituals, routines- these things were important. He wasn't certain if he'd get to build this up properly a second time. As before he gave a few experimental swings to familiarize himself with the weight and heft of the flogger, warming himself up for the first blow. It came hard, thudding across Cade's upper back.

[onlyhymns]

"I'll say stop," Cade repeated shakily, flinching once again at the sound of the thing sweeping through the air. He gave a start when it struck him, but as promised, it was a different kind of pain. It hurt, but not as immediately or as pointedly as the cat had.
Of course, he only had as long as it took for the second strike to land to consider this, and though he flinched again, he gritted his teeth and endured it without a sound.

[ombranera]

Five strikes, alternating on either side to raise welts in a diagonal. The flat strips of leather thud through rather than sting and cut like the cat might, offering a different, lasting kind of bruising. After the fifth blow he swung to a stop and fought his instinct to rest a hand against Cade's arm or shoulder to test him- he had to go by sight and sound.

One day that might change, but today was not that day.

"Cade?"

[onlyhymns]

It was like the breath was knocked out of him with each strike, and Cade was already breathing more raggedly, trying to find a rhythm to it. He nodded wordlessly to Zevran's check-in, indicating that he'd be all right. He wasn't sure he liked it, but he also wasn't supposed to like it, so it figured in just fine.

[ombranera]

"Tonight we'll start with twenty and go from there." Zevran gave Cade a little longer to breathe, to find his pace amid this new pain before he resumed. Regular, alternating strokes across one side then the other, drawing up wide bands of red along his shoulders and upper back with each blow.