faderift | [Open] Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

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[Open] Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

WHO: Anders and OPEN
WHAT: The last open log with J!Anders before Justice is gone
WHEN: Mid-Justinian, from around the 8th to the 15th
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Anders, as usual. Prose or brackets work, I've just started everything in prose because that's less html I can screw up.

Healing Tents

Anders (and kitten) are constant sights in the healing tents in Skyhold from morning until evening. One of them works. One of them prefers to play, and is currently most fascinated by a slowly-unraveling string from a scrap of cloth that the larger of the two made sure was dangling down to draw attention.

"Watch the cat," is the warning someone coming in gets first, before being nodded toward the nearest table right away whether they've got a visible injury or not. That they're here for medical reasons is the safest assumption.

Library

He can be found here an early evening, paging through older books with a few pieces of parchment next to him where he's taking notes. Or hoping to. The top page is mostly blank, though, and Anders is frowning as he closes one book and pulls another off one of the few stacks he's made around himself.

People walking past don't even get glances, he's busy and he doesn't care if there are glares shot in his direction right now. People who stop get a glance up with a raised eyebrow and neutral-as-he-can-make-it expression.

Training Circle

It's early. Ridiculously early, early enough to be considered late the next day and that's why he's here now, working with his staff against a dummy. An opponent would be better, but few are here at this hour, and no one who was there when he arrived is someone he'd trust to work instead of actually attack. That being said, for once he's not seemingly radiating irritation and aggravation and he's even looking over as other people start to show up. He could use a hand and he knows it.

Hot Springs

He enters a little hastily, freezing after sweating in the cold and needing to get ready to head into the healing tents. There's not a lot of time to linger. ...but that thought fades away once he's fully in the water. It's so warm that he's sinking in to his chin almost right away, and really only leaving his face above water so he can keep an eye on Purrelden as the kitten chases a beetle.

Courtyard

Not since his Detlef days has he actually sat out here for a time. Dinner tonight is a simple affair, a few strips of meat washed down with a weak excuse for ale along with some a handful of fruit and nuts, but it seems better out here in the open air. People passing by get a nod whether they look at him with a smile or a scowl; he's actually not in a mood to fight right now. In a week's time he might be dead, he might be entirely without hope of having his head to himself again, or he might be alone in his head. It's an odd feeling, and the chill breeze and stars seem perfectly suited for it. There's room on the bench to join him, a cat on his shoulder, and he's... at peace.

[For Cole]

Since River and Simon's disappearance, Anders has been looking out for glances of Cole more often, just... checking on the boy. He's worried about River, and while she and Cole aren't exactly the same, thinking of one brings the other to mind often. Popping up to the third floor of the tavern one evening bears fruit and Anders smiles as he heads over to join Cole.

"Hello. I... I realize I've not actually thought of what to say when I do run into you. You're doing well?"

[For Zevran]

This speech, however, he's practiced repeatedly, and as Anders knocks on Zevran's door with a package in hand, there's a whole lot of amusement in his voice.

"Zevran? I know you said not to bring back a cow, but..."

[For Nate]

It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous, and potentially useless, and there's not a chance that Nate will hate the wriggling animal in Anders' arms because Nate is Fereldan. In fact, he'll probably love it. Anders is counting on that. He hadn't exactly been counting on Purrelden being confused, though, so the cat on his head digging small claws in as she struggles to stay perched and far away from the tiny confusing barking thing is not something he'd been prepared for. Anders ducks into their tent awkwardly, hoping Nate's in there and talking without even looking.

"A little help, please?"

Wildcard me!

[Want something with Anders? Come on in! Start a header, or poke me on Plurk at Nadat for one. He's easily found around the healing tents in Skyhold and around Camp Shady Fucker/the Warden camp.]

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He watches Purrelden make herself comfortable on the coat he's set down. The words are heard and they rest heavily upon him. After a few moments, he reaches over to take Nate's hand. This is part of the reason he's gotten the dog for Nate now, even though he hadn't known what to do for the archer until his gaze had fallen on her.

"It is." Maybe it would have been better if Nate had held to his resolve and not started anything with Anders until this was all done. Better for Nate, that is. Anders wouldn't trade this away for anything. After a breath he looks over at Nate, studying the man as if he hasn't already memorized his face. "I love you. Whatever happens, I want, I need you to remember that."

Nathaniel watches his face, mesmerized by each freckle and whisker, each premature wrinkle around eyes and mouth, each strand of silver at his temples.

In a heartbeat, he could ruin everything. He could say he already loves Anders even with Justice a part of him, he could dissuade him or persuade him to postpone it until he and Adelaide and Bethany go in and wipe Justice out without hurting Anders--besides the utter breach of a trust so precious. But it would mean Anders is alive at the end of it for certain.

There is no keeping Justice. Nathaniel is haunted by the night Anders lost control, how hurt and defeated he was. How much this arrangement betrays him every day, how much Justice takes and how little it gives. This is not sustainable.

He wraps his arms around Anders and brings him down to the bed, only wanting him close.

"You don't have to do this," he says weakly, knowing it's not true. Anders needs to do this. Anders needs to be the one to sever the connection with Justice, most of all. Like the struggle out of the eggshell strengthens the baby bird.

He curls up with Nate, closing his eyes. Justice agrees with Nate for one of the first times, but Anders cannot. It would be nice if he could. If he could simply stop putting so many people at risk with the rituals, but that would put even more at risk in other ways. It's become more and more clear that it's only a matter of time before Justice takes control and someone gets seriously hurt.

"I do." It's whispered. He doesn't want an argument tonight; it would break his heart to go into this right after a fight. "I have to, Nate. I can't live the rest of my life like this, putting everyone around me at risk and fearing that I'll come to one day to find I've killed someone else."

Justice despises the distraction Nate has become, and feels that the archer's one of the driving forces for Anders pursuing these rituals. That someone could easily be Nate and it terrifies Anders.

"If it costs me my life, at least I've not lost control. I'll go out as myself. I know it's not a comfort to you, but it means so much to me."

There's a long pause. Adelaide has long been pursuing this because of her oath, Justice openly hates it, and now Nathaniel has said Anders doesn't have to do this. And Anders pushes on. The last wall in Nathaniel's heart, the last resistance that says it is selfish of him to ask this of Anders, falls.

"I know," he murmurs. "Of course you have to do this. I'm sorry. It's only that I've just found you, after all these years. And after last time, seeing you like that, I've wondered if I could stand it if anything happened to you. But...if you keep him, something will happen to you."

He pulls back a little so he can brush Nate's hair back and meet the man's eyes. There's so much love there, so many emotions, and Anders couldn't feel more guilty if he tried.

"You have to go on if something happens, Nate. You have to. You are one of the best men, the best people that I have ever known, if not the best. Thedas needs you." He looks down. Never mind, he can feel more guilty. "And you've a dog who needs you."

He's not manipulative often. He has no taste for it, no skill, but he will pull out every stop to keep Nate alive. "I need you to live."

He can't help it; he laughs, a quiet, breathy sound.

"You devious bastard." He kisses Anders' forehead, brushes those fine golden strands with his fingers, and sighs. "All right. Yes. I will live, somehow. And I'll make sure the Cat has her cuddles at night. But if something happens to me and you live, I need you to promise something."

Laughter instead of anger. He could cry in relief at the reaction, but instead he wraps his arms around Nate.

"Ask it." If only he could say yes without hearing it. He trusts Nate completely, but there are some things he doesn't have the strength for. If he loses Nate and survives the ritual... though the trap for Nate may well be a trap for himself. How could he abandon Nate's dog if he loses the archer?

"Find new love. New joy. With Adelaide, with anyone. I know I've been jealous, but it would break my heart to think you wouldn't find happiness after me."

How can he promise that? Karl is dead because of him. Nate would be gone for him. And if Nate's dead, Adelaide likely is as well. She'd given her word, unasked, that she'd protect Nate. Anders takes a shaky breath, releasing his hold so he can lean up and kiss Nate's chin.

"Because you ask it of me, I will try." It's all he can offer. "I don't want to break your heart. But you... You're irreplaceable. My light. Mein Bärchen." He doesn't want to hurt the way he did after Karl again, and he doesn't want to crawl up to the surface yet again, and hope again, not for that. But Nate's asked it, and if this goes wrong in the worst way possible, he will do so.

Nathaniel kisses him fiercely then, and his breathing stutters briefly after as he presses his forehead against Anders'.

"I love you. More than my life. So if that happens, I want you to know I have no regrets. That it's not your fault. That however you feel about it, this is what I chose. It's what I want. I will never blame you and I will always love you. And most importantly, you must tell Alistair...that he can suck my cock."

He has to inject just a little levity, to remind Anders that this isn't necessarily the end. It's something Anders does for him so often.

Now a tear escapes, despite how he's been fighting to hold them back.

"I'm not telling Alistair anything of the sort. Your cock is mine to suck." He threads his fingers through Nate's hair, treasuring the feel of the cool, dark strands as he meets Nate's gaze. The joke is not easy, not with all of those words, but he returns it because how can he do any less for this man? How could he not give his all?

"I'll tell him he smells Orlesian one day. How will that do?" Anders will blame himself if Nate falls. He'll blame himself heavily. But he's not going to tarnish the time he's sure he has left with that. They may only have tonight. "I wish I could suggest you not help tomorrow, that you not put yourself at risk for me yet again, but I know you're not going to take that option. I just... I..." It's his turn to kiss hungrily, lips speaking for him in another way.

They make love now, possibly for the last time. Nathaniel makes sure to make it last. It needs to be truly memorable, if it is the last time they have.

When it's over, they lie together, breathless and drained. Nathaniel hasn't pulled out, so they remain connected, entangled.

"You won't die," he murmurs, though it's an impossible thing to promise. "Neither will I. And even if we do, we've made it. We've spent the rest of our lives together."

The rest of their lives together, but only if Anders has shortened Nate's. He chooses to focus on the other parts of what Nate's saying instead, though it's a difficult thing to pull his mind away from the pain.

"I won't be letting you leave me. And you won't let me leave you. So that's how it is." There's still a little desperation in his voice despite the exertion. "You're stuck. Your dog needs you, your mage needs you, and your mage's cat needs to have someone's nose to pounce in the middle of the night." He presses a kiss to Nate's lips. Weariness is threatening to claim him but he's not ready to go to sleep yet. Every moment that he can have he wants.

"And we've got more people this time, as well. Just in case." So that hopefully no one is hurt half as badly as Bethany and Kirk were, if this circle brings demons as well.

Seeing Bethany's blood had been horrible, last time. Bethany has been so brave, so strong that he'd stopped thinking her capable of such vulnerability. But they have at least two more in them. This one, and if need be, the one where they go into the Fade to slay Justice.

"We'll be fine." He pushes golden strands away from golden eyes. "We'll be just fine. Tomorrow night, we'll laugh at how worried we were."

Hope and faith are virtues he's not great at practicing or relying on. Staring into Nate's eyes, though, he can have a little. He trusts Nate.

"Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night, we're going to have a drink together. Tonight, I intend to fall asleep with the sound of your heart in my ear." Not all fear can be diminished by his faith in Nate, but he's working on it. "And with the feel of your arms around me."

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[Open] Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

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