faderift | weep little lion man

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weep little lion man

WHO: Cullen and you
WHAT: jumping in head first! (by which I mean generic open log so that I can get all up in your inboxes)
WHEN: WHOLE MONTH OF JUNE - the afternoon of the 11th to the late morning of the 14th, he will be away from Skyhold.
WHERE: predominantly his office and the battlements around it, with a healthy helping of training his soldiers on the grounds, and the potential for a few other places if someone wants a custom starter
NOTE: When you tag, please tell me what day so I can figure out in what order it all happens. If you don't pick a day, I will pick it for you.

IMPORTANT!!! If you have not already left me links here and had me respond, but you plan to keep any past CR with Cullen, please do not tag this. I will be assuming that anyone who tags here and has not already had their past CR hashed out with me wishes to begin with a fresh slate. Don't worry, he will have another open post soon. I just don't want to wait too long to start playing, and since there are plenty of new characters and plenty of characters who've already been to my OOC post, I figure it's a safe bet that I can get some play now.

OFFICE
One thing that remains constant, that has not and probably will not ever change, is the endless stream of paperwork that crosses his desk. Cullen stands, hands braced and shoulders slumped, reading over a stack of intersecting and conflicting messenger's reports and trying desperately to figure out how to spread their forces when they simply do not have the resources to meet all needs as things currently stand. He sighs deeply, and raises one hand to rub at the knot of tension at the base of his skull. It's not going anywhere. The same can be said for the impressive model of the Frostbacks that messengers have created with scrolls and sheaves of paper and leather pouches along the short edge of his desk.

BATTLEMENTS
Some people say that Cullen has no aptitude when it comes to taking care of himself. Those people are, on the balance, entirely correct. He will argue that he pushes himself too far out of necessity, but that doesn't mean he's half as responsible as he should be when it comes to sleeping or feeding himself. It takes its toll. Usually, he can chase the fatigue away with a brisk walk and a little fresh air. A trip along the battlements to clear his head and gather his scattered thoughts is his go to solution. One he employs quite often.

TRAINING
Cullen does not always survey his troops with a mind toward picking apart their performances and needling them to do a better job. Often, but not always. Sometimes, he just watches. He takes note of particular skill, of someone ill at ease with the weight and balance of their weapon, of someone distracted. Their numbers are not so great that they can afford anything less than 100% from each person under him. Of course, the unfortunate extension of that is that their numbers are not so great that he can afford to turn away willing help. Particularly in light of the disturbingly large contingent of people within Skyhold who push back against the structure of authority whose protection they enjoy. It makes his job, this part of it as well as the less hands on ones, infinitely more difficult. At least the training remains direct and straightforward. Here in the courtyard, it is his job to foster the skills and determination of his volunteers to make them all that they are capable of becoming. It is their job to then give all they have in the service of the Inquisition. He knows he asks for more than is fair. He also knows that he has no choice. He is grateful for every person with the compassion and foresight to give it, anyway.

NEW OPTIONS - PUPPY!
PUPPY OFFICE
As of Thursday the 16th, there is a new addition to Cullen's life, in the form of a blue and white mabari puppy, and his daily routine just got a whole lot more interesting. The dog doesn't have a proper name, and is mostly being referred to as Puppy. Whatever Cullen thought dog ownership would be, it wasn't this. He seems to spend half his day in constant frantic motion, and the other half sleeping and eating. During the quiet times, Puppy can be found sleeping underneath the desk, or occasionally in the crook of Cullen's arm. He can also be found chewing on scrap leather or lengths of knotted rope as he tumbles about the office, though he won't wander too far from the desk and/or Cullen.

PUPPY COURTYARD
He also needs to be walked, and socialized, so a few times a day, Cullen finds himself in quieter areas of the courtyard. He brings treats and teaches Puppy simple tricks, sending him running along the wall to tire himself out, assuring anyone who wanders into the area that the dog is loud, but friendly.

PUPPY WALKWAYS/STAIRCASES/WHEREVER
Puppy might be smart and well behaved, but he is still a puppy, and occasionally one might be treated to the sight of the Commander of the Inquisition running along a battlement, trying to catch a tiny blur of fur with a roll of parchment clamped in his mouth. This is his life now. This is what his life has become.

[[OOC note about Puppy! While he will definitely be energetic and boisterous and do things that people might not like, he will not be outright bad. Please don't write about him breaking things, hurting people or other animals, or antagonizing someone who seems afraid of him. He is a Mabari, well trained for his young age, and very smart. He wants to play, and will absolutely steal things from people, tug on their clothing, and bark for attention, but Puppy will not be destructive or violent. Thanks.]]

11th (full)
visiting puppies
meeting Henry
talking with Bethany
leaving for recon/rescue mission

12th (away from Skyhold)
traveling
rescuing Meoni

13th (away from Skyhold)
traveling

14th
Mia brings him tea
Sera brings him dinner

15th
properly meeting Christine
Cassandra comes to clear the air
Gwen brings her latest publication

16th
Adelaide brings Cullen a puppy

20th
Josephine helps catch Puppy

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She has not seen him for some time, not more than just in passing, and though that could be easily explained - they have both been busy, they have hardly had a chance to catch their breaths for months...well, when has there been a time that they have not been busy? And yet even during their meetings in the War Room, all the times their work naturally brings them together, Cullen has seemed strangely distant - polite, always, but never warm.

He could just be tired, of course. In any case, his return to Skyhold seems as good an excuse as any to visit. Cassandra knocks on the door and slips inside at his call, closing the door behind her. No need to make it easy for them to be interrupted, not when there are always so many eager for both her time and his.

"Commander Cullen." She takes a moment to survey his desk, precariously stacked with paperwork. It reminds her uncannily of her own. "I see that you have returned safely from the Storm Coast."

Cassandra is not the visitor he was expecting, and his surprise shows on his face for a moment before it is drawn back down to the mountains of paperwork. "Do you suppose I will ever see the bottom of these piles?" he asks, sweeping his hand over his desk. Light conversation, polite, nonspecific. He straightens, walking around so that there is not a desk between them, giving her the courtesy of his full attention. Her position deserves no less, he feels.

"No," she says flatly, letting her eyes travel over the desk once more. "No more than I will ever see the bottom of my own. Even if we did nothing but paperwork from morning until night, there will always be more. There is no escape."

But she hadn't missed the brief look of surprise on his face when she had entered, and she frowns slightly. Is her presence here truly so unexpected? Even now, that same distance she had noticed lately is present in his stance. He stands before her the same way he would before a visiting diplomat, one he would never have dealt with by choice.

Her frown deepens, and she hesitates, but only briefly. Talking with Cullen had never been a chore, never fraught with invisible traps as is so often the case in Orlais. She can be frank with him, and never worry about causing offense.

"Cullen, is something wrong?"

One corner of his mouth twitches up, his eyebrows arch, and his chin dips, the picture of mirth. "Did you not see the piles?" he asks, sweeping his hand to encompass them again. "Everything is wrong, Cassandra. Isn't that the point?" He knows what she means, more or less. He knows that things are strained between them, that some ties have been unraveled. He doesn't hate her for it, can't hate her, but it remains true all the same. There is tension now where there never has been before.

Her mouth opens, just slightly, eyebrows shooting up in surprise, before she snaps it shut again. By now she's used to Leliana's deflections, her ability to deftly avoid giving a straight answer, leaving Cassandra frustrated and helpless.

But Cullen - she had not expected this from Cullen. If nothing else, they had always been able to be honest with each other.

"I see," she says stiffly. Her gaze drops down to the desk again, uncertain now. Perhaps it is nothing but the stress of paperwork. Perhaps she's just been imagining it all. "Then...I suppose I should leave you to your work." Clearly he has nothing to say to her, after all.

"You came here for something, Cassandra." He knows it, she knows it. If it's important to the cause, he needs to know now. If it's personal, well... if she wishes to keep it to herself, then it's her right. They aren't friends. He might have thought so, once, but it's becoming more and more clear to him that friends are not something he's meant for.

Her jaw tightens. She is not good at this, at communicating, at making or keeping friends - if she had not already been well aware of that, then nearly every conversation she has had with Leliana over the past six months would have made it crystal clear.

But she is also not one to run away from a problem. And now that he has called her out for her true purpose here, she can hardly deny it. She looks up, meeting Cullen's eyes.

"Things have been different between us," she says baldly. "I wish to know why."

Wait. Does she-- does she really not know? "You're not serious." Maker's breath, she is serious. "Cassandra. You took it upon yourself to speak for all of us. You didn't even let us know it was coming once it was done." Of course things are different. He has a new understanding of their relationship, and it isn't as close as he'd assumed, as he'd perhaps counted on.

For a moment she doesn't know what he means - and then, all at once, she does. Her eyes widen even as her heart sinks. "But I apologized," she protests, irrationally annoyed. Cullen has never seemed the type to hold grudges, and she had sent the letter months ago. "To - " Oh.

Oh.

"To Leliana." She hangs her head. "And - to Cyril. Not to Josephine. Or to you." He had said nothing, had never confronted her as Leliana had, nor expressed any sort of disappointment or anger. He had merely...

Withdrawn, as much as he could while still remaining professional. And why should he not? It had hardly been his responsibility to reach out to her, not when she had been the one to betray his trust in the first place. Not when she had never thought to apologize.

She takes a deep breath, and looks up, meeting Cullen's eyes. "I am sorry. It was wrong of me. I realized that, as soon as Leliana confronted me. I should never have acted on behalf of the advisors without your input - and I should never, never have said such things to the elves. I was - I was angry, and afraid, and I acted without thinking."

None of which are excuses, she knows. "It will not happen again."

It's a difficult subject for Cullen, and he turns to stare at the wall, this entire thing easier if he doesn't have to see her face. "I want to believe you." He's not saying that to make her feel guilty. He truly does want to, and he is genuinely sad that a large part of him just can't.

"You were the one person here I thought might truly understand me. Josephine plays a game. It's a dangerous game with dire consequences, but it's still a game. Leliana doesn't fight the same battle we fight. She takes a very different journey to reach the same destination. You were the one person I could trust to truly understand, and I thought that meant--" He grinds his teeth together, the muscle in his jaw tensing. "I wish I were angry. I know what to do with anger. I don't know what to do with this."

Cassandra stands stock-still, her stomach dropping all the way to her toes as she stares at Cullen's back and realizes that it's not going to be so easy as an apology. Nor should it, perhaps; certainly he has no obligation merely to accept that she is sincere, and will not betray his trust in her again. And the last thing she wants is for him to lie to her and claim that all is well between them, when he feels anything but.

But that doesn't make this any easier, or tell her what to do next. She opens her mouth, a plea on her lips - I do understand you, I know I was wrong, please forgive me - but with an effort, swallows it back. She will not beg, will not attempt to escape the full consequences of her actions or attempt to manipulate the Commander through guilt.

"I see," she says quietly, feeling small and alone. It seems she is even worse at maintaining relationships than she had thought, even those she had depended on so thoroughly. Another moment of silence, and then she draws in a breath, forcing herself to stand tall.

"If you cannot believe me, I - I understand." Even if she hates it. "Perhaps - I might earn your trust back, in time."

"I hope so." It's honest. Honest to a fault. Cullen has never been good at the sugar coating. He has managed to recognize when the situation calls for it, but he will probably never be the person to apply it. "We need each other. We all do, to make this work, but the two of us especially. We know what it's like. We understand. I don't think I'll survive this without that." There's a reason she was the person he shared his weakness with, his secret, his uncertainty. There's a reason he feels so betrayed, more than he would have had the slip come from anyone else.

Naturally, his words only make her feel more miserable. Cassandra clenches her hands into fists, guilty and frustrated. His reaction is more than fair, and she cannot resent him for it. Still, she has never liked being helpless, and she is helpless, right now, to take back her actions, or to erase them.

"You are right, of course," she says quietly. "The Inquisition cannot survive if we do not work together. If we cannot trust one another. And I - " She hesitates, biting her lip painfully. "I have always admired you, Cullen, and valued your opinion. I have - I am - sorry. To have disappointed you. It was never my intention."

"We have time." Some days, the time seems interminable, and no kind of blessing at all, but they have it. Maybe not a lot, depending on where their efforts lead them, but they have time. "We can... try to fix this." He's willing to make the attempt. He wants to be able to put his trust in Cassandra again. He wants it so badly. "We've managed to fix everything else that's gone wrong. Somehow. More or less." If they can make such headway fixing the entire world, maybe they can fix this, too. He hopes so.

Cassandra nods, still guilty and unhappy, but determined to do her best not to show it.

"I will certainly do all that is in my power to try," she says, and it's a solemn vow. She pauses, thinking again of that letter and her terrible, impulsive decision to reply as she had, and shakes her head, blowing out a noisy, frustrated breath. If only she had stopped to think! But when had she ever done that?

"I know this isn't the outcome you wanted." She's no good at hiding what she's feeling, but even if she had the skill, this one is pretty obvious. "There's a way back, though." It's the best he can offer. He wishes it didn't have to be like this, but that's life. He hates that she came just to see where they stand, and he has to send her away disappointed. He hates being unable to solve anyone's problems. It weighs on him.

Still, he's not going to lie to her. She deserves that much. He digs around on his desk for a moment, and comes up with a stack of parchment. "My notes. From the Storm Coast mission." Longer than what he condensed into a report for the advisors. More detail. "Troubling stuff. You might enjoy a look at it." She's the only one of the group with a hope at understanding how his mind works, anyway.

It's a hard blow, but if asked, she would prefer the truth to a lie every time. Even if the truth is difficult to hear. She takes the stack of parchment, obviously surprised at his handing it to her, but grateful to have something solid to close her hands around, and something to think about other than her own mistakes.

Grateful, too, that he had thought to offer it - that he still cares that she might be interested enough to read it.

"Thank you," she says, and means it. "I admit, I was curious. Your report did not convey much."

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weep little lion man

Office, Justinian 14 or 15?

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