[closed] all alone, as I've learned to be

[onlyhymns]

WHO: Cade, Ruby, Beleth a bit later
WHAT: Cade has had about enough
WHEN: early-ish Solace, not long after the return from the Western Approach
WHERE: the battlements
NOTES: massive tw for suicide/ideation, severe depression, alcohol, possibly mention of child abuse, god it's a laundry list, if you're not sure just don't read it

It's the grey hours of the early morning, before the sun and easily after most sensible people have gone to bed. Even the night watch is idling, playing cards in the towers or stargazing to keep their minds occupied. They don't notice the solitary figure in his night clothes ascending the stairs to the battlements with a singular determination.
He carries a bottle of wine of no particular vintage, at least not one that he can identify, having never drunk any before. And his feet are bare, to avoid waste. His shoes could be given to a refugee, like the rest of his clothes.
Like his armor, repurposed and redistributed among the other Templars. Nothing could ever hurt more than that, not even losing chunks of actual flesh.
He makes his way toward one of the yawning gaps in the walkway, often guarded or blocked off so none of the builders get hurt. But it's easy enough to gain access to it now, and Cade approaches the edge with a soldier's conviction.

The wine he clutches comes open awkwardly; it's harder than it looks to get the cork out, and he hurts his teeth pulling at it. He's heard it called liquid courage, and courage is what he needs more than anything. He feels a twinge of guilt when he takes the first pull, then immediately hacks it back up again-- how do people drink this?-- and immediately worries that he's making too much noise.
He calms his throat and tries again, more slowly, eyeing the drop beneath him. All he has to do is take one step.

The pros outweigh the cons: he won't be tormented by stares and jeers anymore, or his own thoughts, or his existence as a perpetual failure. He won't have dreams anymore, he won't feel the dull aches all over his body from working too hard without enough rest. He won't have to take up space, or waste supplies that could be used for more worthwhile people. No more lyrium withdrawals when he's too anxious and ashamed to ask for his ration, no more feeling untouchable, dismissed, worth less consideration than an animal.

But he just.. can't.

And that in itself is maddening. That's what keeps him imbibing what he hopes will turn into courage, because if he can't at least do this, then he might as well accept that he isn't even a person anymore. He's never been able to make decisions without an authority's approval. This is his one chance to take back control.

But it's so... far.
And cold.
And if he doesn't die right away, someone might try to do something about it, and he'll be a nuisance again.

---

It's two hours later and Cade has dropped to a sitting position, leaning against the battlement wall, a mostly-drained bottle held loosely in one hand and his eyes red and tired from intermittent fruitless weeping. Going back inside is out of the question; if he doesn't go through with it, tomorrow will just begin worse than ever before.
There's no coming back from this decision. He's already betrayed the Maker just by thinking it, and now he continues his treachery by sitting here, making a pathetic drunken arse of himself.

The wine was supposed to work.

Comments

[eviscerates]

"You've got nothing to be sorry about. I swear." There is nothing undignified about getting a little help from a friend, big guy. Just accept the Power of Friendship.

"All right." Rather than rambling on, she opts to give him a bit of a break. There's been a whole lot of emotional overload, and maybe he just needs some time to recharge and recover. That's one of the reasons she lapses into near silence as they wander to Cade's room.

"This it?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade doesn't understand the Power of Friendship!! He's still stuck on Magic (he hates Magic).
He nods when they arrive at his door, and before going in, he turns to look at Ruby as though he's about to address her. Instead, he just stands there in silence for several seconds, nods shyly, and closes the door behind him. yep.