faderift | I need an adult-y-er adult than me

Entry tags:

I need an adult-y-er adult than me

WHO: Krem and Adelaide LeBlanc
WHAT: Krem seeks out Lady Adelaide for important advice
WHEN: Firstfall 3
WHERE: SKyhold's garden
NOTES: CW for anxiety, maybe for discussion of gender fuckery.

So things had gotten...well. A little bit further where Sam was concerned, at least. And that was a good thing, except for in those areas where it really, really wasn't. Krem had been inclined to talk to the Iron Bull about his problems as they'd come up, but he didn't want to take his romantic troubles with someone that would more likely than not be inclined to just let him talk himself out before saying he was worrying too much and that if Sam liked him the way he was almost certain he did, he would accept Krem no matter what was there (or not there) between his legs. Bull didn't know Sam. He hadn't been around him to get a read on the guy.

So Krem was in the library, treading as lightly as he could while wearing his armor like a security blanket. He was fairly certain he could find the lady LeBlanc here, or at least one of her students, and when he came across one of the latter, he asked where he might be able to find the mage, giving no hint as to why he needed her help.

Stepping out onto one of the walkways, Krem's stomach flipped subtly, and he had to take a breath before approaching Adelaide, keeping an eye on her back. He felt he was interrupting terribly here, but he didn't want to lose his nerve, or drink himself back into it.

"My lady, if I could have a word," he started quietly, his hands coming together in front of him, picking at the metal of his gauntlets anxiously.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

After a rather...lengthy afternoon discussing what would come of the mages of the Inquisition and far too many questions of her own on the matter, Adelaide needed the time to clear her head. An extra hour or so of meditation seemed in order to settle her mind and settle her nerves. Whatever came? They have chose it. Whether or not she'll be a part of it-

She set that aside along with everything else, focusing on only the fine lines of ice spidering across her skin, the filigree forming in between her palms. A larger, more intricate structure that took more focus than her usual attempts. At first she didn't hear Krem approach, focus intent on the tiny spires and parapets. A nudge from Compassion bid her look up, brow lifted.

"Krem, was it? How can I help you?"

Edited 2015-11-04 05:02 (UTC)

Krem started to answer, but the structure in her hands caught his attention. He stepped up at her side, then lowered himself to one knee to get a better look.

"That's beautiful," he said, knowing that he had to have interrupted her in the process of making it. "I'll go, if you wish to be left alone. I'd just thought maybe I could talk with you some about Sam." Every word was unsure, very much lacking the self-assurance he ordinarily held himself with.

The ice hardened in her hand, tiny, frozen waves settling into being as she set it aside for the moment. She could likely multitask but this seemed...important. Krem had been quite confident in himself from what she'd seen of him around the hold. She shook the lingering frost from her fingers and turned to face him properly. "No, you are not interrupting at all. I was actually intending to speak with you on Sam as well so this is quite fortunate."

Krem's face fell slightly, color rising in his cheeks. It wouldn't surprise him one bit if she had Words for him, concerning either the night on the battlements, or Sam having to heal multiple bruises on himself after spending time with him. "I see. Perhaps...you could go first?"

"Ideally this would be done over tea." But that was not what they had at hand and they must make do. Words she may have but they would follow after a question or two. "Please, sit? All I wished to ask after were your intentions with Sam. You seem quite close."

And there went the red, spreading to his ears at the question. He sat down with his hands curled into fists atop his knees. "I...honestly, I haven't quite figured that out, yet. But I like him. That's the problem." He sighed and leaned forward, one hand coming up and rubbing over his face. It was somewhat muffled when he added, "Don't really like tea all that much, anyway..."

"Everyone likes tea. It is a matter of finding the right kind and means of preparation. Too bitter? Add honey or Jam. Too sweet? Find a darker blend. Confused and heartsick? Add brandy." It was a light, tentative thing- the extension of her hand to rest on top of Krem's gauntleted fist. "How is liking Sam a problem, Krem?"

"How about we just skip the tea and leave the brandy as it is?" Krem sighed, glancing down at the hand atop his. "Because. Because whatever he's expecting? Not sure I fit into that. Like I don't know how he'll react if he ever sees..." He gestured at himself at that, making a pained face. It occurred to him then that Adelaide probably had no idea of his situation; how much of Skyhold even did? He wasn't really secretive about it, except around maybe two other people. The rest, he just didn't really talk about it around.

"My body's not right," he clarified finally. "All I have in my pants is a sock. Not exactly great for much of anything."

"It has been a brandy sort of day." For more than just her, it seemed. The more Krem spoke the more his voice cracked- stress and fear wavering and weighing heavily upon him. Whatever his concerns? They had Adelaide equally worried. This was someone that fought with the Herald, that stood against a great deal of persecution for being Tevinter in the South. Someone that had her respect if nothing else.

Until, abruptly, he had her confusion.

"...You...what?" One moment. "Did- was there an accident during a battle?"

Krem's mouth opened, then closed again. His expression was very much like hers at the moment.

"N...o...? I mean, there've been plenty of accidents, but not like...no. Um." He cleared his throat. Time to try and rally.

This had been so much easier to talk about with the Herald...

"It's been something my entire life, my body doesn't match up to me. Like. Myself as a man. When I was in the army still, I had to bribe a healer to sign off on my physicals to allow me to continue serving as a man. There aren't exactly many options for women in the army, and I'd wanted to serve as I was, not what as people would see if I took off my shirt. Does that...make any sense at all?"

For a long moment she stared at Krem, baffled. Compassion gave her a nudge and-

Oh.

Oh!

That was- She had no idea such a thing could happen- that someone would be born into a body that didn't suit them. That- that made more sense than losing a bit of himself in a fight. "I- yes. It does, actually. The trouble with Sam is that...he believes he is flirting with someone that is as much a man physically as they are in mind and spirit, yes?"

The body they could sort out later. But that did bring a few concerns to mind. "And you fear that should he learn otherwise he would...reject you."

Krem almost literally deflated at that point, nodding with his hand pressed against his face. Well, this was...progress? Sort of.

"Right. I don't know if he's ever heard of something like this, himself, and explaining it to him now doesn't really feel right. Like what if he feels like I've been lying to him?" It had happened to him before, a couple of times, and he really didn't feel like dealing with that again. Not from Sam, or anyone else.

"You haven't been." It was swift, certain, a statement of fact. "You are as you are, a man. Sam will take it in stride. If he does not I will have strong words for him."

The hand that had been resting so light against Krem's gauntlet pressed down, fingers curling around the back to squeeze his hand. "He is not so fickle or callous a youth to be angered by something you cannot help. He may be as I was, puzzled by the truth of it, but not angry. We were both raised in Circles. As extensive as their libraries may be nothing like this has ever come up in research, but much like everything else he has come to know in his time in the world, he will embrace it. Embrace you- which I suppose is also part of the trouble. Are you..."

Now this was a delicate question. "Comfortable. Being intimate?"

The look on Krem's face could only have been described as deer-in-the-headlights. He swallowed hard, then almost imperceptibly he shook his head. His eyes darted from hers, down to his lap, then to the ground nearby.

"It's...hard. Like a nasty reminder that everything's wrong."

"...oh Remi." The diminutive slipped out despite their recent acquaintance, something such as this? Was not easily or lightly shared. Something as this was endured. Her other hand slipped out to squeeze his, cradling one gauntleted fist between her own. "Do you want to be intimate in the future?"

No, his lip had certainly not wobbled at that. He would firmly deny it had. Had he not been in a firmly "don't touch me" mood, he might have leaned on her.

"Maybe. But that'd require not hating everything about m'self when I take off the armor," he replied, voice barely above a whisper.

Adelaide's heart ached for Krem- this was not something she could mend. Not with magic, not through Compassion.

"Then we put those thoughts aside until it is time to address them." There would come a time- but now was not it. "You are comfortable with kissing? Casual embraces? The lines you draw are your own and yours to move as you feel, when you feel. Inform those you are attracted to of them- if they respect you? They will hold to them. If they do not? They were never worth your time or affection."

Krem couldn't do anything but nod at all of it. He didn't trust that his voice wouldn't crack and be utterly destroyed when he next opened his mouth. The more Adelaide talked, the more his chest ached, and he felt sick as he realized that she was telling him the same things his father had, once. But a kiss wasn't a gendered thing, nor was a hug. Those were easy. Anything else was somewhat beyond him.

"You are...a remarkable young man, Remi. You are strong in ways I cannot imagine, and all the more brave for reaching out despite your fears." She turned her eyes from Krem's face to the slowly melting island set next to them. Her voice was low as to not disturb whatever silent considerations he held, and kind. Achingly kind. "Sam is positively flustered by the thought of you and it is more than your jawline or shoulders that has his esteem. It is you. The whole of you, the heart of you. He will not shy away. And he will be patient and supportive of you if that is what you need, or foolish and fond of you if you wish a distraction."

"I think Father would have liked you," he said hoarsely after another moment's silence, his free hand coming to rest over hers. He was valiantly ignoring the burn of tears in his sinuses and behind his eyes. "It's just...weird, for me, not knowing what I should do about something. You get used to following orders in the military, making the decisions when you start leading, but then something like this comes along, and it's just... I feel lost. And stupidly afraid of what might happen. Too many 'what-if' things to consider. Don't like thinking about all of that. But I do want to try. He's been patient with my trying to figure things out thus far, at least. What if he runs out of patience? Or decides it's not worth it. Everyone's got limits."

"I am honored to hear that." Fathers were tricky when you could not quite remember your own, but Krem seemed to have a great deal of emotion bound up in his.

"What if the sky cracks open and demons pour into Skyhold? What if a dragon swoops down and devours one of us? What if a Blight begins and we are all tainted? What if the templars get bored and decide the right of tranquility sounds like great fun? What if there is plague, what if we're all possessed, what if the mountain falls down? What if I go mad and start tossing bags of fabric into the library?" She squeezed his hands as best she could through the gauntlets. "The world is wide and wondrous and terrifying. People no less for that they are people rather than countries or skies of demons or dragons. I am the last person to tell you not to be afraid. It makes a hypocrite of me- but do not be afraid of Sam. Walk him through what you live with, through your fears and he will have your back as surely as any of your Chargers."

In spite of himself, Krem started to smile through that little outburst of sarcastic questions.

"Don't jinx it, Bull would have great fun with that, we have a warden for that at least? I'm surprised they haven't yet, we have healers for that, we'd all be completely screwed, a better question would be 'what if Skyhold falls off the mountain?', and that was a spur of the moment idea, you can't tell me that it didn't do some good for that utterly dreadful-sounding meeting."

He finally allowed himself to lean, his arm resting against hers, though not heavily enough for her to be prodded by his pauldron. "Thank you for this, mamman. I'll...talk to him later. When I'm not a mess."

"It worked better than anticipated. Even if you startled Siuona, then again I am not certain what wouldn't startle the poor dear." And even if it drew her deeper into whatever it was that Dorian intended. She wasn't a leader- she was a teacher. She could guide, she could mend, she could scold. "It broke the ice. For that I thank you, Remi."

She unwound one hand from where they were curled together, turning it palm up to call wisps of ice into place. With little more than a thought and a tip of her head against Krem, a little dragon stood rampant against her skin. There. One down, however many she'd come up with to go. The word he'd used, 'mamman' gave her pause. It was similar enough, perhaps, to her own native tongue to parse the meaning. As a mage one gave up much- hope for a family, for a legacy? That was set aside as such things weren't encouraged. Her students looked to her for comfort, certainly, but not one of them had ever...it was different in a Circle.

Now it was her turn to be unable to speak for the knot in her throat.

He hadn't yet had the opportunity to meet the elf he'd startled so badly, but he had felt rather bad about frightening her. Watching Pel collecting the scraps that had rained down had been funny at least. All the better if she had a good use for them that wasn't just 'let's distract a bunch of grumpy mages'.

The tiny frost dragon in Adelaide's hand made his head tilt, and he reached a finger down to touch its head, the ice crystals turning into powder against the leather. He smiled faintly and glanced up, though he was taken aback at the look on her face. "Oh...'m sorry, my lady, should've asked if you minded."

For something so small and delicate in appearance, the dragon held fast. Ice was terribly strong if formed properly.

"No it isn't...I do not mind. I simply never thought...I never thought that I would hear it directed at me." Mages were not mothers or fathers. They were mages. Children were swept away should they come about and taken to foster parents or other Circles should the talent bloom in them. She hadn't had time before with her studies and her students and hadn't considered wanting it. That wasn't hers to want. Then with the Spire falling, the war, the rift-

Who would want to bring a child into a world like this?

Adelaide blinks down at the dragon, urging it into motion to help her draw back her composure. "...It does mean what I think it to, doesn't it?"

Krem pressed his lips together, looking down at their hands and the little dragon settled there. "It's something I never really got to call mother. We didn't exactly get along," he sighed. "But I had father so it wasn't so terrible. Can't imagine what it's like, not having your family around, but I know not everyone can be so fortunate"

"Six older sisters until I was sent to the Circle. Apparently I have a younger brother as well, now. I have never met him but- they write, now and then. We build our own families as best we can but with the Harrowings and the branches of studies that diverge- in the Spire it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but we are not exactly permitted to keep children should we have them." It wasn't the same as living with them and honestly? She had been relieved to get away. Nobility hadn't set well with her but then when did it sit well with any child. "I am honored, Mimi. Truly."

He couldn't help the laugh at that nickname, and the idea of the looks it would get if she ever called him that in public. It was just so cute.

"I never had any siblings. I write father every so often, just so that he knows I'm alive. Don't think he likes that I'm a mercenary now, but it's a better life than I probably would have had otherwise. I imagine you'd've been a good mother, if you'd had the chance," he added thoughtfully, looking up at her, then reaching into his hip pouch for the last of his fabric scraps from that impromptu confetti bomb. He came up with a bright yellow, vaguely shimmery one, and tore it in such a way as to be able to tie the ends together, then a slip at the other end attaching it to her wrist loosely. "Doesn't match your robes, I know. But yellow's good luck, good for your health and outlook, that sort of thing."

"Thank you. All I can hope is I'd be more attentive than my own- Orlesian Noblewomen have...certain standards and their time is filled to exacting degrees, no matter how many children they might have. I think I like this better." Even with the Rift, the Spire, the strangeness. This was honest. This wasn't a vulnerability.

She held her wrist still for Krem as he bound that bit of yellow fabric- bright as the sun and soft all the same. Very much like a trinket a child would give, well. Adelaide wasn't about to weep but she was smiling openly and honestly for the first time in what felt like a year at the very least. "Thank you. I think we'll need all the luck we can get with winter on the way."

"Nobles in general never really seem to be able to be the most attentive parents," Krem replied with a shrug. "One of those things that actually makes me kind of grateful to have grown up soporati."

Krem's hands fell away to rest in his lap again after the bracelet had been secured. "If you have any ideas to help our people with the cold, I'd be glad to hear them."

"My father tried." To his credit, he made an honest attempt- as much as any nobleman might. "Mother was, is, ambitious. I'd always wondered if she did not mean to arrange some sort of marriage to a Tevinter noble family for me after my gift became apparent."

She didn't quite shudder, and she didn't lean away, content to let Krem carry her weight for a short while. "Blankets- if we have enough. Tea. Patched walls and ceilings to retain heat. Braziers and coals- what I wouldn't give for a proper way to bathe aside from dipping down to the springs below and hoping no one else is using them."

Krem made a face; the idea of being matched up to some wealthy noble man... "Sounds familiar," he huffed, though the focus turned to the repair efforts of the fortress was a welcome distraction.

"Over time I've had the Chargers helping to rebuild the tertiary rooms to give people places to stay. I'll need better material for blankets, what I've been using for my ah...project, it's all different sorts, not exactly great quality for quilts."

Again, he had to make a face, this time at the mention of the springs. "Should be people made to stand guard down there. Let the people that need it have their privacy, even for a little while."

"I will ask around. Perhaps one of the merchants knows someone that would be able to provide something more suitable." Warmth and shelter- if that was in hand come winter? The Inquisition would manage well enough. If not...better to work to see that they do.

"Or find a way to build on them into something that can be used communally or privately- or a way to pipe the water elsewhere. I think I'd read of someone attempting that."

"I think there are bath houses in Orlais that do that actually. Could see about hiring some contractor to help with that," Krem suggested with a small shrug. "If nothing else, I can stand outside and keep people from coming in, should you need."

"That might be a wise use of resources." And give people that much more comfort, a sense of home rather than a refugee camp. "I would appreciate that. I do much the same for my students but having someone keep an eye out for me would be a weight off my mind."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I need an adult-y-er adult than me

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject