faderift | born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow

Entry tags:

born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow

WHO: Herian Amsel, Leliana & Ruby Lucas and various and also open
WHAT: various! a catch-all for three losers
WHEN: throughout August
WHERE: Skyhold, Orlais, and much much more (not actually much more.)
(Herian will be in Skyhold for the first week or so of August, and then is heading back to Orlais, Leliana will be in Skyhold throughout, Ruby is probably in Orlais most of the month.)
NOTES: Prose or brackets are fine! If you would like to do a thing and these starters don't fit or you'd like something custom, feel free to pm me or prod me on plurk @karmacharging.
WARNINGS:
Herian's background includes themes of violence, torture and death, as well as discrimination and PTSD. While she will not in general be vocal about some of her own prejudices (against apostates, Dalish and nobles as some examples) it is very likely to come up in narrative and could come up in dialogue depending on interactions. Here is an opt out post if you'd rather certain things be avoided, or if you'd like to opt out of interactions with her in general.

Leliana is princess stabbity, it's hard to avoid depending on the thread so heads up for potential mention of Assassin Life, opt out here.

Ruby has potential for mentions of murder, cannibalism (both accidental) and depression, they are easily avoidable depending on threads, but here is an opt out post if you would like me to steer clear of particular topics, or opt out of interactions with Ruby generally.

( open. ) herian — halamshiral & around the estate.
There is a little stretch at the very beginning of the month when Herian travels to Skyhold with a collection of Inquisition requisitions and troops and others needing to make a return to Skyhold. The elves that she brought to Halamshiral travel, and that is the only reason for it that she has. She is not yet certain if the Inquisition is a damned thing, or if she should stay. For now, she is more than half certain she should take her leave and continue to try and help the elves of Orlais.

( a. ) patching herself up.
A scuffle with bandits on the return journey, and though she was unharmed and there were no others in the party, it has left her a little worse for wear. She is able enough with a sword, but trying to get by with a little magic on the open road as possible and no staff, she has to admit she has a way to go before she can be well matched against those who have held blades for so much of their lives.

She sits, now, far away from the healing tents, avoiding the smell of salves and herbs and all the rest that goes with it, though the prospect of avoiding a place where she knows Dalish to wander has a certain appeal as well. The thing is, though, that Herian is no healer, and her grasp of the medical is limited to helping in emergencies. As she tries to crush elf root in her hand and rub it over a vicious gasp across her forearm, her lip curls in something like a snarl for just half a moment before the expression is controlled again. There are other wounds, nothing life threatening, but a few that are rather painful.

( b. ) training.
Herian rises early to train, long before the sun has given thought to rising for itself. For hour upon hour she trains, sword drill after sword drill, until the sun is beating more powerfully against the earth, and she sets down her sword to dip a cup into a water bucket, and pour it down her back, another tipped over her hair. There is something of a commotion, and a couple of refugee children are belting through the yard, one shoving the water barrel so it almost goes topping over and drenching—

But Herian's hand grasps it, and although it is tall and very heavy, she manages to keep it upright. Possibly with some water dramatically splashed, yes, but not the whole thing. "Are you all right?"

( c. ) wildcard.
Very early in the month it's cool to do stuff in Skyhold, but later on she's back in Halamshiral.

( open. ) ruby — halamshiral & around the estate.
( a. ) in the alienage.
"I've—" Her voice wavers a moment, and she looks at the skeletons of buildings. They all seem like different types of carcasses, their flesh charred and their limbs warped and twisted. Buildings were one thing. People were another, and they carried the marks of all this on them as well.

Everything carries the scents of death in it that normal noses cannot smell, beyond all the obvious layers. There are times when the Wolf's nose is a gift, but this? This is seriously not one of them.

"I haven't seen anything like this in a long time." It's like the worst of Regina, but they had outright called her the Evil Queen. From what Ruby could figure, calling Celene that could risk your neck.

( b. ) wildcard.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Of everything she might have expected- this is near the bottom of the list. It isn't...

The last time she'd heard anything like this was well over twenty years ago. Hushed whispers in an alcove, lips against her fingertips, a hand curled tight in her robes as they simply held one another. It'd been bright and brief and wonderful, the absolute certainty of consideration, of affection. To know where she stood no matter their disagreements.

Then the Harrowing.

Then the Rite.

Then the Loss.

It is not for mages to strive for Romance. Love is not for them. Love of the Maker, love of their works, care for their patients, respect for their peers, this is for them. But not Romance.

Strong emotions that twist and invite demons. That invite so much more than social discomfit and there must have been signs- has she been encouraging this? Has she been flirting or prompting this deliberately? This is, in some way, her fault no matter how gently Red might put it. "I-"

Should probably have something to say about this.

"I don't understand." Something better than that but- they were friends, yes? Acted as friends did, with affection and kindness and teasing. She's done something wrong here, obviously. Something she can adjust, something she can fix.

Probably she should have expected that. Right? Or just expected the calmness of this, because Adelaide is Adelaide and Adelaide is all about control, and sometimes Ruby thinks that maybe all the things she puts into control aren't really healthy but honestly she gets it and also it's not really any of Ruby's business, so—

Ruby's fingers curl in towards her palms, and she swallows. It feels more like trying to shift gravel than simply lubricating her throat.

"Which part's hard to understand?"

Not being ridiculous or teasing, the way they so often are. They do serious plenty often, too, but this is different. She's asking so she can explain, or something. Or something, which is the extent to which Ruby planned this out. The quietness is bad, she suspects. Not that she expected it to be not bad, but having it compounded, that kind of sucks. A lot.

You knew how this would go, she reminds herself. You knew.

"How you are so certain." That's the crux of this. Being certain that this is the emotion, the attraction, that this is what is happening. Has been happening. She cannot pick it apart like she does her wounds and poultices, cannot categorize every moment and gesture and see 'ah yes, this was the symptom of the greater illness all along'. It is abstract as many concepts are and Compassion-

Compassion bids her stand and without knowing why, without having a reason to not? She stands. Follows the silent direction until that aching space between them (when had it become so strange to stand far apart? When had it become an ache?) is no longer quite so wide as to seem impossible to breach.

What she'd asked- it'd been like twisting a knife. Even this far, even without blood she can feel that much through Compassion and never-

Never has she wished to cause Red pain.

"I don't- Mages don't-" Words fail her even as she reaches out. Curls her hands around Ruby's to help. To try to find the words. "I am dangerous."

To say this with all due seriousness, with absolute certainty and sincerity to a woman that is a wolf- it is probably some manner of laughable.

As Adelaide moves closer, Ruby wishes she wasn't backed against the wall. It has the relief of knowing she doesn't have to make herself move back, doesn't have the obligation to make herself move instead of accepting the contact, and... yet. It's not so simple. It's never that simple. Even as it's a relief that Adelaide is drawing near rather than maintaining or widening the distance, she's not totally sure what to do with it.

Uncertainty, the Ruby Lucas constant.

Her breath hitches, and it's almost a laugh, if laughs can be a little strained and a little sad, with a dash of gentle incredulity. It's both expected and startling. No, she has no idea what she's doing. Adelaide's hands are holding hers, that consistent relief of coolness against the elevated warmth of Ruby's own skin. For a moment she doesn't react, but it's barely a moment. Barely half a moment, truthfully, before her fingers tighten with Adelaide's.

Ruby shakes her head. "If you all yourself dangerous, Adelaide, then I really am a monster." It's similar, isn't it? That Adelaide have no control over herself and her instincts and her desires, like Ruby and the Wolf. It's not what she expected, and even so. "I trust you. I trust your control and your judgment. I think you control yourself too much, honestly. You aren't dangerous except when you choose to be."

Her hand squeezes Adelaide's gently. "Certainty is kind of... I just know. Same way you know that you're standing in the sun even if you're blindfolded." She shrugs, loosely. "I know. I'm... I don't expect anything from you. Knowing doesn't mean this has to be bad."

She hopes. She hopes, she hopes, she hopes. "I can just go away for a while, or something. Give us both space."

"I-" Need something better to say. Something more to offer in the face of this that would be satisfactory for both of them. Some answer, some solution that would not result in her losing her friend. She has fewer than she'd like- she always has.

For a few months, perhaps, there'd been more. Then lies. How unfair is it that honesty might wrench Red from her fingertips? "I am not bothered."

Wait, no, that is not the proper answer. Her fingers tighten around Red's as she shakes her head at herself, teeth raking over her bottom lip. "I mean to say that this is- you are a dear friend to me, Charlotte. If...if what you need for yourself, for your well-being is time away-"

Then take it. That is what she ought to say. If Ruby needs to leave for however long or short a time to settle herself, if she needs to be alone or at the very least away from her? That is what she ought to do. "...I do not know that I have anything to offer that is worth this depth of your regard."

Save perhaps to return the sentiment but- does she? They are friends but-

Like standing in the sun while blindfolded- but Red is warm. It is a byproduct of the wolf and moreover? She is warmth, she is kindness and joy and self depreciating humor and compassion. How can one not feel warm when sharing the air with her? There is a question unasked of Adelaide until this moment and she does not have an answer.

And that will not do.

It is a very kindly worded rejection. Very gracious and very kind, and very Adelaide. A noble with a bond to Compassion, a mage dedicated to helping people. A person that most people called cold or severe or any number of things that ignored entire dimensions of her, and neglected a heart that gave. It was so completely wrong, but shockingly she didn't think going around and correcting everyone's opinions of Adelaide LeBlanc would do either of them many favours.

Charlotte. No one's called her that at all since she was a teenager. Red had become so pervasive a nickname that her grandmother used it before using her name. She'd probably make a comparison to pumpkins running rampant in a vegetable garden, if she was here. One little shoot that suddenly took over everything and seemed to obscure all else.

Okay, it's not the strongest metaphor. Literature has never been Ruby's strong suit. Ruby's not really sure she has a strong suit, truth be told. Making Adelaide smile and laugh had gotten to be something she had a knack for, she thought. Something she was good at. Maybe not such a great talent, as it turned out. Adelaide had a really nice smile.

"You don't need to offer me anything," she starts, and there's something—

It's not hurt, and urgent isn't right either. A sad kind of reassurance, maybe. "And honestly I can't think of a lot that I'd hate more than not seeing you, but that is... that's probably a clue that it's exactly what I should do. I mean I'll— I can still work on the brewing stuff. Maybe train someone to cover it if I go away for a while."

Her smile is painful. Feels like she's taking pieces off herself to try and make it stick, but at least she knows. At least it's done, and this is done, and whatever strange, complicated, adoring feelings she's been feeling will be done. She wants to hug Adelaide, because unfortunately Adelaide is the first person she thinks of running to when she's hurting, and Adelaide is exactly the person she can't go to, in this.

It occurs to her that she should probably stop calling her Captain, and that hurts more than it has any reason to.

"I cannot simply stand here while you bear your heart and offer nothing either. You expect nothing and that is- it is a kindness. I wish I could say the right thing but...I am not terribly good at this." Her hands squeeze Ruby's gently. Give her work. Give her puzzles. Give her an illness or a wound or a technique that requires refining. Give her a problem that she might solve.

Give her a girl with a too kind and too warm heart that she has come to care for as dearly as any of her peers in the spire, and she knows not what the right course might be. Ruby is a rifter. She has a home to return to, a life. It is not fair to expect her to carry the weight of this thing- and it is terribly heavy to feel something like this. A comforting weight like armor, like a second skin...like a fur coat.

Like leaning against the wolf and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she would come to no harm.

It is a weight that is meant to be carried by both but there is no comforting armor for Adelaide, here. A vast, yawning question that she cannot answer. "I wish you well. I wish- this distresses you. It's been distressing you."

Compassion had noticed, Adelaide had simply thought it Orlais with its rules and its quiet bloodshed. "I do not want to be a cause of upset. However long you need, whatever space you require- it is yours, Ruby. I'll not keep you if it pains you."

Even now some part of her - a terrible, shameful part - had hoped Adelaide would fight with her. Fight for her. Fight for her friendship and her presence and say that she wanted her there. Part of her wanted Adelaide would beg her to stay and be selfish.

But that isn't how this works. It's never been that way with them. There's been communication and there's been respected. Giving and asking and never demands. Maybe that one time when Adelaide claimed Ruby's life, but that was different. In a way that was still just taking what had been offered, tossed out into the ether with little concern.

Even as part of her was internally begging her to stop calling her Charlotte, to release her from that mark of intimacy, Ruby feels the loss of being called Ruby. Ruby and not Charlotte. Ruby and not Red. Ruby and not Miel Loup. She straightens up so that the back of her head hits the door with a quiet thud, and her eyes are shut for half a second.

It's done. This is done.

"Sure thing." She can say it brightly and with a smile, even if its transparent. "I'll, um. I'll send you a postcard, or something." It's a bad joke, and she shakes her head to dismiss it. "If you need help, ever, I'll be there. Just— any time you need something, I'll be there. All you need to do is ask."

Maybe that's the terrible difference. Adelaide will have to ask, and Adelaide might think of that as an inconvenience or a cruelty or an admission, and she never will. Ruby will stop simply being there and stop helping just because, and she'll be forgotten.

She is always forgotten. Maybe that's her curse.

"This isn't indefinite." The leaving, the parting. To lose a friend like she has found in Ruby simply due to her own failings, her inability to allow herself to feel more than platonic affection for those near her. She knew better. Red's Wolf was wild instinct and intuition, a hunter-

Adelaide's emotions could run deep enough to tempt a demon. To ruin her, to harm those she cared for simply because she did not take care.

But this cannot be indefinite. Undetermined, yes, you cannot demand a timeframe for the mending of a heart. It is not something she can put her hands to and will Compassion to mend but she can't- She can't simply wait and hope and not know without a promise that she'd have her friend back. Whatever they had before this evening- it is worth more than she can put words to. Ruby's kindness, her support, her regard.

Adelaide cannot lose them without feeling as though she's cut away a part of herself in the same stroke.

"I want-" No, that is inaccurate. "I need to know that if...if I call you because I cannot sleep or if I need to not work for a short while and we speak- I need to know I will be able to do this and not hurt you."

As much as she needs to keep this, she needs to know the limits of Ruby's patience. How deep the words might go before they become a sharp knife of unfulfilled wanting. It is a terrible blade to hold against one's skin and not one she'll press to her palm and set to Ruby's throat. Her eyes drop, her head dips forward- and it is forward, it may be unkind to rest her forehead against Ruby's shoulder. To take this moment of stolen comfort that she may never have again. "...I need to know we are still friends, Cha-Cha."

Will it hurt her? She exhales a shaky breath. I don't know is the real answer, and though she'd love to just tell Adelaide that it's fine this whole thing between them has always run on trust and the truth, and she's cast it on the rocks with honesty. It seems nothing short of stupid to just start lying now.

"I don't know."

She wishes that she could have lied, for that. "But, I mean. I'd still want you to call me. You're my friend, Adelaide. I'm not going to just leave you in the lurch, or something. Call me whenever you want. I'm— I'm still your friend. And friends are— they're there for one another, so. You call me. Anytime."

Truth also happens to be that she wants nothing more than to hug Adelaide right now and another truth would be that she has not idea if that comfort would be more for herself or for Adelaide. Her hands slip from Adelaide's to rest on her shoulders, as if that will add some certainty to the statement. Ruby tries another smile, and this one feels less ragged, less like she's feeling the flex of her skin over broken glass.

"You're my best friend, Adelaide. That won't ever— that's still true. That's why I had to tell you." Does she get it? Does she know that Ruby had to tell her because anything else was lying and felt like a betrayal, or does this seem like some needless melodrama that might have been locked away? Like Adelaide could have been spared all this?

Possibly she could have. Maybe that would have been kinder.

"Fuck." She doesn't often swear- she doesn't often have those she is comfortable enough around to do so but Ruby is as close to her as any. Ruby does not judge her for her slips, for her flaws, for her striving to have none. With Ruby she sets aside the masks to show the bones of her and has been nothing but accepted.

Perhaps she'd been too familiar. Perhaps she'd teased too much? Ruby says this is not her fault but she cannot help but feel at least somewhat responsible. She had a hand in this and, in turn, a hand in Ruby's distress. Her pain. Her tension and frustration and fear, for all these things coil through Compassion's awareness now that they are this close, now that it echos the turmoil churning in Adelaide's gut to know that this is a thing. Part of her should be flattered. Should feel some manner of pride that someone as wonderful as Ruby feels this for her.

The rest knows it to be ill advised. Being her friend alone is ill advised, to feel more, to wish for it? Foolishness.

"I did not intend-" To hurt you. To pull you this close. To cause this. Adelaide swallows and struggles between stepping away and offering some manner of embrace. Ruby, kind and far, far better at this than she might ever be, finds a happy medium. Hands upon her shoulders. Strong, certain, stable.

It helps her step back and look up, blue eyes dark and troubled. Both of them are worn raw by this but Ruby-

"I understand." She lifts a hand to rest against Ruby's fingers on her shoulder, squeezing. "Truly, I do. And I appreciate your honesty, even when it pains you to speak of this."

"That's what we do, Cap— um. That's what we do, Adelaide. We're honest with each other."

Despite

Despite all of this control, Ruby's shoulders shake for the briefest moment before she reins in it, forces some control on herself. It's a compromise at best, pieces of herself buckling. Her hands are on Adelaide's shoulder, and for a moment she leans closer, just enough to rest her temple against Adelaide's for a moment. Only a moment, because it's so close and she can smell Adelaide, the elfroot and lavender and ink and tea scents that linger in her clothes and her hair. Edges of violets are there sometimes, tannins and the scent of dust. She inhales deeply, painful and raw, the breath of someone steeling themselves to run or just to memorise a perfume that will soon be list to them or maybe just to steady themselves.

Maybe all of those things apply, now.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't... you deserved better than this." Than Ruby. Than Ruby falling in love with her, and the twist of shame in her gut has her drawing back again. "I, uh. I should go."

"It is not your fault." She won't let Ruby think that. Emotions are- relationships are complicated, nuanced things. Whatever they have, whatever may or may not be lost in their parting? They are friends first. And while she has befriended many a fool that has done many a foolish thing- Ruby pulls so much on her shoulders without thought.

As kind as she is to everyone around her, she is the least merciful upon herself. Adelaide's hands tremble with how little she is able to stand it. "This is no curse, no wound, no illness. This is- surprising and distressing for I know now that I have caused you upset, but only in that. Do not wear this about your shoulders with the other things you claim in your guilt."

It's not supposed to be that. She recalls so very little of her own love, of how it'd made her feel, of what came from it- but she knows that much. "This is not your fault. It simply....is. You are still my friend. You will always be my friend."

Ruby's smile when she leans back, is very small and very wry. She isn't convinced about that fault business. Adelaide had claimed her life to make Ruby straighten up and stay alive. It was Ruby who went and made the other parts more complicated. "Okay."

Okay, she says, and maybe that is a little bit of a lie, because she doesn't believe it at all even if Adelaide does. Very gently, Ruby takes Adelaide's hands in her own, folding her hands around them, holding them steadily, but not so tight that they might be inescapable.

"Friends. Definitely." And she's glad, truly she is, she is glad and she is grateful, and even so her voice sounds rough, like the words have to be dragged from her. Ruby tries to hold her head up, then, and musters up a smile that's something closer to what she normally has to offer. "Any herbs you're running low on? I can keep an eye out when I'm out there." One of her hands slips away from Adelaide's, and very gently nudges her chin, instead. Cheer up. Don't be sad. Be ridiculous with me.

Hey, they'll always have elfroot, if not Paris.

Adelaide almost believes her. Almost. But she has learned that tone, that sentiment, that sharp edge to Red's smile that means it's only half honest in ways she cannot even call out. Not after this conversation.

Space. They need space- or Ruby needs space and she...can sit quietly, do the work that needs doing, and wait until being near her will no longer drag that dagger in deep. She can be patient when it matters and this? This matters in more ways than she can properly articulate.

Her hands go easily, fingers curling to tangle with Ruby's and squeeze. They're friends. They will always be friends, even if things are currently complicated. The chuck to her chin wrings out a stuttered half laugh, a wry, pained twist of her lips. "Embrium and Arbor Blessing. The usual."

Pretend it's normal for a moment. Pretend things are fine. She can try.

They're not as good at pretending as they'd like to think, or maybe they've just gotten better at seeing through each other.

There's a half moment where she's almost able to make a ridiculous pun, but somehow in her head it gets distorted into are you Arboring secret feelings for me? and it makes all ability to pun into some non-awkward direction about three hundred percent impossible. At least Adelaide has less corny jokes to worry about, huh?

Less, but not none. Ruby leans slightly closer, conspiratorial, but for a second she has the sickening worry it'll be taken badly. "Hey, what did one hungry plant say to another?"

The joke is easier. The absurdities that made her roll her eyes or wring out a warm laugh. Something that speaks to her of simple kindness and consideration. That has no expectations. She lists in as much as Ruby, meeting her halfway.

"You wouldn't beleaf how hungry I am?" A rare day when she plays along but- if not now, when?

It makes it very hard not to change her mind. Simple say screw it and ignore her own gut and her mind and her sense and think that maybe staying would not only just be okay, but actually be a great idea.

She's not always rational. Ruby grins at Adelaide's pun, even if it only lasts briefly, a flare that dies down easy enough.

"Nice, Adelaide. You really rose to the occasion." And yet, Ruby shakes her head. "'I could use a light snack.'"

Are photosynthesis jokes too advanced? She's pretty sure they aren't.

"I have my moments." Few and far between as they are. The joke is- light and easy and absurd enough to twist out a raw scrape of laughter- if this is what had prompted the complication? She cannot regret it.

Not when Ruby and her absurdities, her sincere joy, brought light back into her life.

"Roul's watering them." A beat. "The violets. While I'm here he's- taking care of them since I am away."

"Good." Very certainly. Her smile is more at ease for the simple of fact of how naturally joking and being ridiculous with Adelaide seems to come. She huffs out a breath of laughter, and out of sheer habit, goes to brush Adelaide's hair out of her face.

Her fingers stutter partway through the action, hand faltering against Adelaide's temple and cheekbone, and the hesitation has the unfortunate effect of feeling like deliberately lingering contact. Her hand lifts away, but does not withdraw. '

"Then we don't need to have a custody battle over flowers. That's a plus."

"Julian and Marian would be heartbroken." She swallows past the knot in her throat, uncertain if it is the complication or the warmth that curls in her chest to have that gesture linger. She enjoys them, the little touches, the casual affection.

But does she enjoy them more from Ruby? Is there more here than platonic affection?

Picking through the moments to sort it out will take time.

"I'll come visit. And take them on outings."

Somehow even this has become a little ridiculous. Ruby will herself to drop her hand to her side, the other reaching for the latch on the door. "I better, uh. Go do stuff. I don't have a set plan yet, exactly. I might go back to Skyhold or maybe... I don't know. I hear things are still pretty rough in the Emprise, so maybe I'll head that way. If you need me before I go just crystal me, or something."

And a little smile, with that. "Look after yourself."

"Be careful. The rifts are still dangerous and the war is still on..." It'd be easy for Ruby to get caught up in such violence. She would come out alright, Adelaide knows but-

The fear remains.

"Call me if you ever wish for a word, or have a question, or a thought." The usual reasons.

"I will." Be careful. She's not sure she'll call, as much as she will probably want to. It just seems like a way to make this harder for both of them, even if she's entirely prepared to be there for Adelaide.

This is a mess. She really hates being honest, sometimes. Ruby rolls her shoulders, and lets the door start to pull open.

"I'll see you 'round." Somehow, probably. Maybe. Maybe not. There is an edge of self-preservation in this, after all.

With that, she tugs the door open and slips out, offering Adelaide a final little smile before she goes.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow

no subject

oh god almost tagged this logged in with Herian

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject