faderift | [Closed] A part of a whole

"I am capable of multitasking." He knows that well enough- as that is a constant state for her more or less. Too many things that need doing, too little time to do it in. Still she clears a space for him to sit and set up the tea.

"That should prove interesting." A fine distraction from the most recent series of missions and problems popping up like daises. At least she has something of a comfort when she does drag herself away from work, a leather band about her wrist a reminder.

"Mm. How much of a hypocrite would I be if I said there's such a thing as too much multi-tasking?" He offers her an amused smile as he starts getting the tea going. There's always more to work on. Sometimes Skyhold reminds him of Darktown in that, except he doesn't feel an awful building pressure on top of Justice's presence. Which is tied into why he's here.

"At least there are breaks, of sorts, and that makes all the difference." Stopping for tea definitely counts as a difference-making break. "But I was thinking about how there's a way that... that I could step up more."

His gaze flickers up from the teapot to her. This is a topic he has mixed feelings on, yet it's important.

"Stepping forward to publicly assist, writing more, attempting to teach?" Things they have argued over. Things he well knows her stance on. He must step back for mages to progress; a decade past his actions in Kirkwall but memories are long and the fallout? Emphatic. The name 'Anders' no long brings up the notion of someone of the Anderfels, but him.

And what he'd done. Shaking that from his skin is something of an impossibility.

"What in particular did you have in mind?" A soft mew from her lap has her setting aside her pen and reaching down to scritch Remi's belly.

They've spoken on those things, and they'll likely speak on those things again. He retrieves the cups, reflecting on that and opening his mouth to answer-- until the cat's noise has him smirking at her with a little triumph. Remi is so very much her cat, and he doesn't even have to say anything to feel a little satisfied. Better, even, that he doesn't, and he just looks at her like that.

But then the cups are put down and he's focused more on the topic at hand even while adding the tea to the heated water. The smirk fades into an expression that's still pleasant but far more serious.

"I've actually an idea on part of those too, which I'd like to discuss, but that's not what I was thinking of at the moment." A breath. "Spirits. Spirit healing, rather than healing alone. We've a few of us, but considering the demands Skyhold has..." And the way they'd just lost Kain, the way they're at war and working alongside a massive force, stretched thin, too. "I might be able to do more. If, of course, something would work with me."

Remi is a cat she cares for, not her cat. That is the story she will tell until she and said feline part company- nevermind that he lives upon her shoulder, chest, or lap more often than not. Nevermind she keeps dried scraps of tuna or smoked sliced salmon on hand for him. Nevermind that she has a belled collar for him with his name stitched into the back, or that she always makes certain he is settled before she moves.

Her eyes flick over to Anders- weighted with consideration. To be a Spirit Healer is a difficult path, one you cannot step away from even if you no longer work with any one particular spirit. "Do you think yourself ready for such a step?"

The relationship with Justice- how it went, how it ended...Like a wound that needs healing.

It's quite the question, and not one he has an easy answer to. He meets her gaze.

"I don't know." For once, he's not fiddling with something with his hands. The topic isn't easy, but he's focused.

"I still feel the loss of Justice... but as what he was initially. Not what he became." Which was just as much Anders' fault as Justice's, and he'll carry that guilt for some time. "But since then, we've lost people. We've lost Kain, there are others who it could have made a difference for. Doing all I can... It does his memory justice." A beat, and then there's a flicker of sad amusement on his face. "Pun unintended, this time."

He's torn, which is why he's discussing this rather than asking directly for help getting a new spirit.

"We need more healers. We will always need more healers- and those with the aptitude and discipline are difficult to find, more difficult to train. Were you further along in your recovery and more certain of yourself? I would recommend it." But as he is now? The wound isn't rancid, but it is still throbbing. An ache slowly closing, compassion is just as aware of it as she is from simply looking at Anders.

Guilt lingers like a shroud and not always for the right reasons.

Quietly she finishes preparing her mug of tea, stirring in the usual measure of honey. "If and when you decided to return to the path- I would recommend reeducation. Whomever taught you in the first place was decidedly lacking."

He's nodding even as he's frowning, until the last part. That gets an eyebrow nearly to his hairline.

"Wynne. You're saying that Wynne was lacking." Granted, Wynne had also become an abomination. But the person who shared that with him had done so privately, and he wasn't going to voice it. "My education was fine, and I've filled in the other holes myself. They don't exactly cover what to do when your spirit friend is suffering in the mortal world and you're about to be murdered. He was no demon, originally, and there are no Circle teachings on what happens when a spirit joins with a person."

"In her politics and practices, it seems." Her memory of the woman manages to grow more sour still. Who thought such a thing possible? "Anders- even when you had Justice, even when you were Detlef, you were not precisely up to the exacting standards of a White Spire mage."

And they are exacting. Sam and Christine came along well in their time, Sam has excelled in so many ways, Christine found her instruction elsewhere after a time, someone she found better suited. But neither were lacking in conviction or precision. Anders-

Well it is no fault of his, considering how he was taught. "I maintain my position on retraining."

"The standards of a Circle mage." Okay, so his eyebrows could go higher after all. "I'd mark that more as a badge of honor. I served Jonas just fine, kept Hawke alive, and I've done a great many things. I'm exceptionally skilled, and I've been sole healer for an entire community. I could keep up with you on any day of the week with Justice. Your White Spire standards are bullshit."

Retraining. He'd come up with techniques and adapted practices and was the Darktown healer. He'd saved so many lives, and the only reason he'd survived seven escape attempts was his abilities and training. He'd been too valuable to kill for that long.

"Exactly what, do you think, is lacking?"

"Precision and discipline." The same can be said of most mages- he knows her. He knows her standards. Why he would be surprised at this particular juncture is in and of itself something of a surprise to her. "You are an exceptional healer, but there is always room for improvement. In light of your past decade wrestling with Justice, your recent recovery? A refresher would not hurt."

She takes a slow sip of tea, leaning back in her seat. She has caused offence and-

Honestly?

Does not care. She does not have time or patience to coddle someone that is precious with their pride. "My personal standards are exacting. My expectations are high. You know this, you have watched me teach."

He shakes his head.

"I have seen you teach. And my precision is not lacking compared to you or what you teach." If she thinks it is, she hasn't watched him closely. It's that simple. "I'll allow that perhaps my discipline and knowledge is not as much as those who were caged longer, that there may be techniques I don't know. But I am exceedingly precise and you are absolutely wrong there."

And that hurts a little, but it will be pushed to the side for now. "I'll study the disciplines you think I've not learned. But I will match you any day of the week in precision."

He fixes his own tea now, still holding her gaze. Circle Mages, sometimes...

"I have taken pains not to call all apostates rebels, revolutionaries, or hobos. I will thank you to not continue to call circle mages 'caged'." Ideological differences that are, on the whole? Wearying and rather moot now that all are apostates. No matter the future for mages, that much is certain.

"There is always room for improvement. I myself always have room for improvement." A need for it, an unattainable goal that she reaches for all the same due to her vocation, what is on the line should she fail- and her family motto. "You asked my opinion as a friend and a healer and I have given it. Being upset with what you hear is understandable- holding my opinion against me?"

Less so.

He blinks at the objection to the term. How had they not been caged? But he nods anyway; he'll do his best to not call them caged in her presence, at least. Despite her clearly judging him, his voice is still civil.

"You called me and my teacher lacking. I was never Wynne's biggest fan, and she was not mine, but there are far better ways to deliver an opinion. The implication was that I was not a good spirit healer and would need classes to be acceptable when I am far more than acceptable. That should be entirely understandable."

A beat, as he sips his tea.

"If you wish to train precision together, I'll have no objection to that. But there is one thing I am good at, and that is healing."

And that is the heart of this. His identity as a healer is all he's been able to hold on to for a very long time, it's all he's been able to give while also calling his own.

"Anders I find almost everyone lacking. I find myself lacking." To take such a thing personally is- well. To anyone other than Adelaide? Quite reasonable. To her? A little precious. Wynne was Wynne, Anders is Anders and she has already said once she finds him an exceptional healer.

It is higher praise than she gives even her students.

"I am not implying you are a poor healer. You worked on your own in Darktown for a decade, that much is not in question. What is in question is your ability to handle calling upon spirits after Justice. What is in question is if any would find you an acceptable partner for an extended period of time." That is where the bulk of their work would lie. "Think of the Mage Council and how it would look to others, for a moment. It is your least favorite thing to do, I know, but this is something you must be aware of. You were an abomination. For years you were an abomination. Moving forward to take a spirit again, even after your cure, even after this much time? Some may fear a relapse, no matter how unlikely it would be."

In this she has points. He's even said some of this to Nathaniel, that he doesn't know if any would work with him, and started the conversation with this point. He sighs, still a tiny bit tense.

"I know all of this. Minus the everyone lacking part, that is, though I should have known. I don't know that one will work with me in the first place. I know that people will worry, and they will watch me... but they will watch me regardless. And a full half of the Mage Council cannot even stand to look at me as it is; I can't consider them as there is nothing I can do short of dying that they would approve of."

Really, they'd prefer he crossed a line and was executed. But he doesn't need to dwell on that.

"I know my errors. I can make an agreement safely. But I cannot say that any would care for me. I've gone through all I can think of, and with Nate's help there may be potential with Perseverance or, less likely, Mercy." There's insecurity in the way he says the latter, as if she might laugh at that one. It is dangerously close to laughable.

"All the more reason to put them at ease by going through training again. You know most of this already, true, but going back to the beginning to reinforce what you know to be true, to fill in the gaps of what was missed? It will look well of you, show that you are taking steps to do this properly without diving back in without consideration- we both know that is not the case, would not be the case, but Spirit Healers are not well understood even by our own peers." The very nature of the work they do, the agreements they make? Toe the line of what is considered acceptable.

Working around these false assumptions is difficult, but possible.

"Furthermore- I believe it will build your confidence. If you cannot even offer with conviction Spirits that would hold potential with you? I believe you are in dire need of it." Though- Mercy? Mercy. "I have seen you fight, Anders. You are not precisely what I would call merciful."

He exhales. He doesn't like how much time this is going to take when they're both overworked, he doesn't like how some of it is unnecessary, but some of it is needed. Appearances matter now even though he wishes they didn't.

"All right." Considering other projects he's taking on, clear signs he's making an effort to not go down the same path as before might help as well. He'll accept this and start promptly. And he'll need to let Nate know he'll be getting home later to make up for the classes.

"With the fighting, I've never had anyone ask me for it. I've never had someone surrender. I'm clean in my kills, though. I don't prolong anyone's suffering, but it's something to consider." Mercy might not be fine with any killing at all, and considering all that they have to do for the Inquisition that might not work. Frowning in thought, he stirs his tea more. Compassion had been fine with dealing with Darkspawn and fighting in self-defense, but they were actually hunting bandits and smugglers for the Inquisition sometimes.

"There are two very clear reasons for spirits to refuse to work with me, though, which has nothing to do with my confidence. What happened to Justice and what I did to the Chantry both run counter to the nature of many."

"Considering the two you have thought of- a case might be made for either. Perseverance in so much that you have continued to live, heal, and work despite what you did and how it changed you, despite Justice's anger and instability. Mercy in your desire to help whether or not it is, perhaps, the wisest course. A problem most healers have, mage or no." It might be enough.

Might, but it isn't certain. Spirits of Mercy are...rare, however, and she hasn't been aware of any lingering in Skyhold. Calling one wouldn't be difficult but holding its attention? That is looking far, far ahead. "It could be that whomever you find is neither, ultimately."

It sometimes is a problem, though he doesn't say as much. She knows. And she knows he knows she knows and so on.

"My heart isn't set on either. I... I'd like the one, but I know how it goes. All the same, going in there without some sort of idea would be a disaster." Which she also knows. "If you've alternate suggestions of what to pursue, when the time comes, I'd like to hear them. In the meantime," he takes a breath. Pride is never the easiest thing to set aside, "when will the first lesson be, and what should I have prepared? I'm assuming we're not starting at the very beginning."

That would be a waste of both of their time, he's certain.

"I will have to consider my schedule first- delegation has opened up new slots for time and working directly under Cullen has taken up just as many." Which means she'll have to delegate further.

Not something she is entirely pleased by but Ruby has been insisting upon her taking better care of herself and not overworking. Extra time in the evening normally spent meditating has been spent in her company instead and it has been...restful to have that time and space to simply be herself. "I do not know how things were taught in Kinloch hold, from the beginning is the only place to start. Even though there is no one correct method to teaching any particular subject to every student what information is and is not considered relevant varies from tower to tower- teacher to teacher. It is endlessly frustrating."

He bites his tongue when it comes to Cullen. That mages report to him, any mages report to him, is a very sore spot. Cullen had tried to have more killed than Anders ever did, killed plenty himself, but because he'd been a Templar and his intended and actual victims mages, it's fine. Accepted. He's respected, even.

"They couldn't keep things consistent. That would require full communication between mages and Circles, and if mages got the whole picture of what was befalling their kin elsewhere, the system would have collapsed earlier."

He bit his tongue about Cullen, at least. He takes a breath and tries to move onward.

"Let's just be clear on some basics, then. I know what it feels like to have demons trying to tempt me. I know how to ignore them. My downfall was that Justice was no demon before we merged. Confused, yes. Struggling a little with a world he didn't understand, yes. But he was still Justice, and what I did, I did thinking I could help him rather than seeking the usual. Power, possessions, prestige, etcetera. I've passed my Harrowing and ignored plenty of demon offers."

[Closed] A part of a whole

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