faderift | ( open ) one shitlord arrives

WHO: Antonio Stark and you
WHAT: Arrival in Skyhold
WHEN: 16 Harvestmere
WHERE: Around Skyhold
NOTES: n/a

Gates
Most people of a certain level of wealth and/or nobility would have sent word ahead of their arrival to make sure the Inquisition would have been suitably prepared for someone of their standing. Antonio did no such thing, he found it much more amusing to watch people scramble. Instead he and his retinue rode up to the gates with no fanfare other than the spectacle he naturally was. Dressed in the finest and latest of Antivan styles he instantly stands out from his well-equipped, but far more modestly dressed guards.

"I thought this place would be bigger."

He climbs off his horse and walks away leaving the care of the horse to his retinue. He's got bigger things to do like waving over the first person he sees.

"Hey you. Come here!"

Tavern
While he had someone off securing accommodations and other little details he didn't care to know of, Antonio decided to pass the time with a bit of alcohol. His guards watch unobtrusively from the sides while he stands to his full-not-so-impressive height with a small crowd around him. Approaching makes it clear why he's attracted a crowd.

"Five gold coins to the person with the best story! Come on, who thinks they'll get lucky today."

Although it was even odds that everyone walked away with heavier pockets or he changed his mind and decides he's not interested any more.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No preamble, no asking what kind of stories, Church just rolls up his sleeves and sits on the edge of a table. Not in a seat like a normal fucking person, no, because this requires a little more than just sitting around.

"So me and my guys are shooting the shit where we're parked, a snowy, icy hell hole. Jimmy's talking about his girl back home, y'know, we're milling around, cuz there's fucking nothing there but snow, and snow, and more snow. Not super unlike here," he says with a thumb over his shoulder, because these mountains are nothing but god damn snow. "Nothing weird, but Jimmy stops in the middle and looks a little spooked. I ask him what's up, he says he thought he saw something. Just something, real descriptive, right? But there is, I say it again, nnnnothing out there, so we keep talking."

Nice pause, now drop the beat. "And all of a sudden, across the way, one of the guys just starts freaking out." Here's where his vigorous hand gestures are gonna start coming into play. "He's shooting off and yelling, and then he just-" smack "-drops, right dead in the snow." He's treating it like a ghost story. "And then the next guy closer to us starts freaking out, and then drops. And the next. Everyone's getting spooked because they're seeing something we're not, and whatever it is is killing them. By the time you heard or saw anything, it was already too late--so when we hear the faint crunch of snow, and see a blurry not quite there pocket of air, we know we're done for. Jimmy just starts screaming as this black armored figure appears where that off pocket of air was, kicking his ass like nothing, until it rips out his skull and beats him to death with it. When he drops, they just fade back into invisibility, and left me, the only one of my squad still alive."

He lets that hang in the air for a few moments. "So that was the first time I saw my ex-girlfriend after we'd broken up."

When Church had first started telling his story, he'd raised an eyebrow and wondered where he was going with this. This was hardly the place for ghost stories and anything he said would have lacked the impact of a dark night around the campfire.

But then he gets to the end and Antonio throws his head back and laughs. "Give me another round for my new friend here." Antonio drops a handful of coins onto the table carelessly beside Church, not bothering to check the amount. However it's clearly more than what he promised and there are more than a few people eyeing them now. Even with the guards, a skilled thief might be tempted to try their luck.

Church grins wide and a little smugly, because damn right his story was gonna win him some coin, and that one's not even the craziest one. (Mostly because he still doesn't want to get mobbed with pitchforks and torches. Also some of them require a better understanding of theoretical physics and technology than Thedosians have...)

"True story! Swear to god, I...at least remember it happening like that." He's pretty sure it didn't actually happen, now, but he at least believed it was a true story for the longest time, so whatever. Technically, Antonio didn't say they had to be true stories. Just stories. Coins? Coins getting scooped up thanks those are his now thanks and belong to nobody else now thanks. Maybe a kindlier, more naive soul would have pointed out the 'error', but this is the guy that pretended he was an angel and charged some schmuck money to take him to heaven.

"I feel like there's a moral in there somewhere about dating scary people who can kick your ass six ways to Sunday, but if there is, I haven't learned it yet."

Yeah, no. Antonio expects any sort of tale, it's not his problem that most people are using true ones. No imagination in the lot of them, but he's finding people have stranger lives than he thought.

"Isn't that half the fun?"

Well he supposes the dating part might be different, but scary people tended to be the most flexible once you got over the possibility of disembowelment.

"...That is an excellent point. And I mean, if you can translate some of that scary and anger to bedroom shenanigans..." Not that he's kissing and telling, exactly. "And sometimes a person's never more attractive than when they're punching someone in the face for you."

"I'll have to take your word for it on that second one." And surprising no one he's usually the one getting punched or at least people try to.

"But by Andraste, sex with one of the assassins sent to kill me was one of the best I've ever had." It was a shame people had to burst in and haul her off to save his life really.

"What--you've actually had assassins after you?!" Well, the dude's clearly l o a d e d, so he's rich and maybe royalty or high enough that what he says makes any difference, therefore he's an enemy to plenty of people. Maybe dude's here for his own safety. "What, did you come here thinking you could escape a life of assassins busting in your windows and trying to kill you after sex?" Good job voicing that out loud, Church.

( open ) one shitlord arrives

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