OPEN | We're all told to dance but we never pick the tune

[pinprick]

WHO: Nathaniel Howe and YOU
WHAT: Open log
WHEN: Wintermarch and Guardian
WHERE: The Kestrel House & Camp Shady
NOTES: Reading aloud of bad smutty romance novel.

Camp Shady

It's proper winter, which is aggravating the crap out of Nathaniel's rheumatism. On good days, he can practice with weapons. On bad days, he is wrapped up in layers of blankets and writing or drawing with a grimace on his face. Every day he reads reports from Warden scouts, scouring the world for signs of the Architect. Most leads become dead ends.

The Kestrel House

On one truly abysmal day, Nathaniel doesn't get out of bed. Every movement creates agony. He stays in the barracks wing with curtains drawn around the bed he and Anders share, sometimes rolling out to make tea at the fire. He is very pale to anyone who sees him, but makes no sound or complaint.

Closed to Anders

At the end of one of the bad days, Anders arrives back at the Kestrel House to find Nathaniel inside, working on a drawing. He glances up and gestures for him to come closer.

"I've something to show you."

Comments

[lifeofendurance]

"I think I can manage that." A pause. He's not made much noise about what his mother's gotten up to in this last year. He's not sure he wants to, but it's bound to come out sooner or later and he doesn't see a way to escape her headlong progress into her schemes. "I know I'll be able to manage it."

Both of them are well-born, but there is a world of difference in the prospects of being the younger son and being positioned as a parent's heir. And Mama is quite set on pushing her only son forward ahead of his sisters. Whether it's what Aleron wants or not. But for today, he's going to leave that headache be.

Folding his arms over his chest, he does broach a related query he's got. "Do you think Bethany will want a grand event? I know second marriages aren't meant to have the pomp and attention, but it will be her first." Of course, he'd give her the sun and the moon if she asked it of him, so his deferring to her wishes isn't in question.

[pinprick]

That causes Nathaniel to think for a moment.

"I think," he says slowly, "that Bethany is too humble to ask for a grand event, but it would mean a lot to her nonetheless. Much of her life has been spent in the shadow of her sister. To be a bride, the center of the world for a day, I think it would mean the world to her."

[lifeofendurance]

Nathaniel's response elicits a long and somber moment of thought and reflection from Aleron. On the surface, the answer gives him the answer he requires and prepares him for what to expect. The undercurrent of the direction of Bethany's thoughts and desires is what gives him pause... and some feelings of guilt. She's lived in her sister's shadow just as he has under his own sister, and yet not once has she ever complained of it.

It's not his own bitter grumbling about Ravonild that nags at his conscience, however. It's the ring he's still wearing after 17 years. He's tried over the years to bring himself to remove the wedding band. Tried and failed. At first, he was not ready. Then he was resolved to remain faithful to Mirielle until his dying breath. He owed her as much for having squandered what little time they'd had in giving himself more to the execution of duty than appreciating her presence in his life. It was Bethany who'd broken through that fog of self-recrimination and made him realize that the lesson he should take away was not to squander time or opportunity further.

And yet here he is, fool that he remains, about to ask for her hand with an outward sign of living in the shadow of yet another woman. She's never breathed a word all these months, but now he wonders if he's indirectly brought her heartache with his inability to break with his past fully.

Aleron finally releases the breath he didn't realize he's been holding and nods slowly. "You are right. She deserves to have a day where she is the one to shine brightest."

Without making a show of what he's about, he slides the ring off and holds it in a fist by his side. It's done. If he is to commit to her, it needs to be fully, or not at all.