faderift | Big Guy in the sky, He lied too

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Big Guy in the sky, He lied too

WHO: Doctor and Open (Some locked options in Comments)
WHAT: Doctor’s slower than usual recovery and other needs-must before the shift to Kirkwall
WHEN: From TTT return to Drakonis 30
WHERE: All around Skyhold and nearby outside
WARNINGS: The Doctor's story is sad and depressing and might come out a bit these days.
NOTES: Feel free to use these as starters, or make your own. If you have an idea and want me to write up a starer, send a PM.

Healing Tents
The little TTT group had made sure the Doctor got this far. He was fairly disappointed that he hadn’t healed as quickly as he was used to. On the other hand, given the bit of road-rash on his face from when he fell, it was probably for the best. If that healed too quickly, the game would be up for him. Now he was here, in one of the tents trying to ward off anyone trying to heal him with magic. Mostly, he just wanted to slip back to the cubby that he shared with Jamie and be done with it. He just needed to slip into his Time Lord healing coma and he’d be fine.

"Look, can you possibly do any of this without touching me?"

Herald’s Rest
The Doctor drinks wine now. He can’t stand anything else for now. He’s spending more and more time here. Partly to escape everyone and partly to watch everyone. Mostly, because he’s trying to ignore his feelings about River and his TARDIS. He hates that he feels so alien here. Oh he’s an alien everywhere but on Gallifrey, but here? He actually feels alien. So, he drinks and watches people. He might even be drawn into conversation, if the person is interesting enough.

"You're right, that wasn't a good story."

Griffons
The Doctor felt a special connection to the Griffons. Not only because he could talk to them, but they were a bit like his TARDIS. Glorious creatures. While he knew Potatoes was quite fond of him. Well, story of his life when it came to companions. Today, he was spending time with Little White Monster. Mostly because while none of the griffons were neglected, he had noticed that she had a personality that very few had the patience for. His ability to speak Griffon helped with that. In some ways she reminded him of River. Which he found oddly comforting.

"All right, girl, let's see what we have for you today."

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Maybe it was his time in that future, but some of the things Cole said made some sense now. Well, to be fair, the Doctor really hadn't given the lad a fair chance the first go. He sort of regrets that now.

"That happens to runts quite often. That was good of Mary to take it in. I've always been fond of underdogs, though."

He had been one himself, now he has more titles than he cares to admit. He nodded at the mention of Kirkwall.

"I've heard some of the same. Sounds like they want to send me down with the first group. Something about research. Though, I don't know enough about this place, I don't know how much help I'll be. Why don't you want to go?"

Oh, the Doctor heard the words, he just couldn't tell if Cole was talking about himself, or how he saw others reacting to the words.

Cole becomes a bit easier to understand with exposure, his strange and twisting words starting to make patterns that can be followed.

"Mary remembers the kitten she had that died and cradled this one in her hands and promised not again."

The stones are still being sorted into whatever piles it is Cole feels they should be in.

"Kirkwall is Despair and Fear and mages died like Cole died and they suffered like Cole suffered and I don't want to have to live that again and again and again, and becomes Despair again."

"Unfortunate for her, then. Everything dies."

Which is just the fact of the universe. Even planets and stars die. Why do people always think they have the ability to prevent one of two universal constants.

The Doctor tilts his head. He had been in the Gallows in the future, so he can sort of imagine what Cole is saying. But the last part is... fascinating.

"What do you mean 'become Despair again?' Were you despair before?"

Edited (Because complete sentences are good things?) 2017-03-22 16:43 (UTC)

"Yes. But that cat can have a good life before then. That matters."

Cole's face screws up and he hesitates in his stone sorting. "Yes. No. I don't know. They Despaired, so I was their Mercy. I don't think I was Despair, I think I was Mercy, but I shouldn't have been either. I should have been Compassion, but Cole's Despair sat heavy in my head."

The Doctor smiles at that.

"It's a good point. And that's why I usually do what I do."

He means save planets even when he thinks a majority of the inhabitants are idiots.

"Mercy is important."

But the Doctor isn't sure he likes what Cole might actually mean. Because he's faced despair more often than he cares to admit and he has a feeling he knows what Cole means by Mercy in this sense. Still, Cole being Cole, he'll check.

"But, you're right, mercy is not compassion."

And there's Cole referring to himself in third person again.

"Can you answer one question? Are you Cole? Because sometimes you talk like you are Cole, but other times you talk like Cole is someone else."

"Her mother drowned her kitten in the milk it had fallen into."

He rubs his arms. "I can answer lots of questions, but not always with the answers people want. Cole was an apostate. The Templars murdered him. I was Compassion, but he needed someone, needed a person, so I came through to help him. Sit with him. He died and it- I became Cole. I remember being Cole. But I know I'm also not. What is someone, if not their memories?"

"Well, then I'm sure she will take very good care of her new kitty."

He just said 'kitty', what is becoming of him? But then Cole speaks and this isn't the first time the Doctor has heard of aliens taking over the bodies of others. His time in the future had taught him quite a bit about terminology, so at least Cole isn't fighting against that anymore.

"You were Compassion. You tried to protect him. Tried to comfort him in his suffering."

Not questions. Statements. That's what compassion was, after all.

"So, you are a spirit.." or alien "...You became part of Cole to help him. But when he died, you... just didn't leave. Is that it?"

Is he even close. Because if he is close, then he is going to feel very guilty that he was so quick to write the lad off the first go.

"Not protect. Comfort. He was dying, alone, days, weeks? Alone, hunger gnawing his gut, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to die alone, why was I born with magic, why am I monster, is that why I'm alone? So I came to him. Held his hand. He wanted to so badly to have never have had magic, like a wound in him, and-"

And Compassion had done the best it could.

"I don't remember it. Solas helped me work some of it out. But, I was with Cole and then I remembered being Cole, I thought I was Cole. He needed someone and I was the only one who could be there. I took the only shape that I knew. The one that would help. And now... I can't go back. To the Fade. I don't belong there anymore. I don't know if I belong here, but I know I don't belong there."

The Doctor nodded slowly. So, he had been close. He had written the lad off too soon. It explained his strange phrases.

"Must be difficult. Having all of your own knowledge and all of Cole's knowledge too."

He'll work back to Kirkwall. But it made a great deal more sense now that it had before.

"Everything must get a bit muddled between what's you and what's him."

At the mention of not knowing where he belonged, the Doctor reached out and rested a hand on Cole's shoulder. The Doctor was anti-touch himself. But sometimes, touch was just needed.

"There are a lot of us who don't belong here. But if there's one thing this place needs, it's Compassion."

Well, Forgiveness too, but he'll take what he can get.

Cole is still not really looking, watching his stones instead. The piles are starting to make sense; he's assembling old, broken stone blocks back into the individual blocks, sorting one from another.

"I remember being him. I know I'm not. But I am."

He actually startles at the touch, looking up with a wide, shocked expression, but not actually pulling away. "It's not just hime. I remember what hurts for everyone. And the things. There's... a lot of hurt. I can't fix it all. But I try."

"Ah well, there's a reason for that. Doctors fix things. Compassion means to join with the suffering of others. That's the Gift of Pain. Without the capacity to feel pain, we can't feel the hurt we inflict on others."

Which although Compassion will always be the Doctor's downfall and, as Davros had said, will one day be the death of him, he will never be compassion itself. He has to fix everything. But then the rest of Cole's statement catches up with the Doctor. And he becomes very worried for Cole.

"I like you, Cole. And because I like you, I don't want to see you get hurt. So, a word of advice: I am billions of years old. I've died hundreds of billions of times. Best not meddle into my hurt."

It's bad enough that the Doctor has to carry it, he's honestly afraid that level of hurt might actually destroy Cole.

Cole looks up at the Doctor, and for a moment, it's not the young man, the child like innocence, but something much older looking out. "I can't help you. I know. Even without the Shard blocking it, I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I can't. Even what I feel and see now, it's another world, another place, another- it's more. Too much."

The Doctor nods. Not so different than humans, then. Oh why does he even bother. He reaches out again and rests against Cole's shoulder. "I know you can't help me. I never expected that you could."

He doesn't really think anyone can. All he can do is keep running from it as hard as he can. It's why he saves planets. It's a way to try to heal his own hurt.

"I don't understand your gift all that well, but I will do what I can to protect you from my pain. But you have to promise me to not go looking into it either. Can you do that?"

Maybe if they hadn't been touching, the thought wouldn't be so apparent.

"It won't heal it. It will help you ease it, but it won't actually heal it. If I could help, I would. If me promising not to dig into your pain will help you, I'll do it." He's very solemn when he says it.

Probably not. The Doctor was an idiot sometimes.

"I don't know that anyone can. Ease it always, but not heal it. And yes, that will help me."

He tilted his to consider Cole carefully.

"If we're around here long enough, I might tell you some of it. After all, you've told me a bit about Cole."

It would only be fair. But time to return to matters at hand.

"Now I understand your fear of Kirkwall. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"It will heal, if you let it. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but time gives you the chance to do things to heal it." He starts carefully gathering up each pile of stones, making clearly delineated groups.

"I don't know. I don't want to go, because I think I'll be Despair. I don't want to risk everyone with that."

A very small smile appeared. Because the Doctor had anticipated the conversation would go this way and now he can help Cole to understand his own words.

"You might not, if you have help. Maybe this is Time's way of giving you the chance to do things to heal your hurt."

He shrugged, a bit casually. He'd push the issue just a little, if he had to, but he didn't want to, if he didn't have to.

"Maybe," Cole agreed. "Or I might become Despair and kill a lot of people, cause a wave of hurt that will stain the streets deeper."

"Unfortunately, that is something that every living creature has the capacity to do."

Sorry, Cole, but in that sense, you're not special or unique.

"Which is why people need each other."

Cole looks up, eyes wide. "Really?!"

This has clearly never passed his mind before.

The Doctor was caught a bit off-guard by Cole's reaction. Had no one ever explained anyone to this young man before?

"Yes, really. Every creature has the capacity for the most profound love and the deepest hatred."

Honestly, it's what keeps the Doctor going. Cole might be Compassion. This incarnation of the Doctor is all about Forgiveness. Forgiveness can't truly be recognised without understanding the simple truths of existence.

"I'm called the 'Doctor'. But there are some planets that have labelled me 'The Great Destruction of the Universe.' It's all about perspective. My enemies view me as a vengeful god."

And with good reason.

Cole... knows things, but he doesn't always understand them. He knows people can do awful things, but he's never thought that they can become consumed by Despair without a demon driving them.

"Compassion... can't hate. Can't be brave. Can just be Compassion. Spirits are simple. I'm not than that. But I don't think I'm like a person, either." He rocks on his sit bones absently. "Vengeance kills a lot of people. I hope it finds its way back to Justice."

"I think you're wrong about bravery. Compassion is one of the bravest things anyone can do."

Second only to forgiveness. The Doctor was still a little shocked that Cole was still talking to him. By now, most people had decided to write him off and, well despise him.

"It's not bravery. it's just what I am."

He chose to embrace that part of himself again. To care more about someone else than himself. But he knew it was just what he was.

He paused and then carefully picked up a small beetle, resting it on the back of his hand. "You shouldn't be here. It's too cold up here for you."

"You make the choice between Compassion and Despair, though. You choose the more difficult path, even when you know despair would be easier. That's what makes you brave."

The Doctor may as well have been talking about himself. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone. And maybe that's why he understood Cole as well as he now realises he does. The first time they met, he was too caught up in being new in this place to realise what was before him. Cole was like himself in so many ways.

He offered a small smile when Cole found the beetle. "Do you speak beetle? I speak horse. And Griffon, apparently."

And dinosaur. And baby.

"I- just know." He doesn't 'speak' their language, but he understands. And he can communicate. "I care, so I understand?"

He strokes a finger lightly over the beetle's carapace; the insect seemed completely unbothered by Cole's attention, oddly calm and trusting of the boy's hand. "I- don't remember choosing. It was just what I did. I was scared but, Rhys needed me."

The Doctor smiled again. "That's usually how understanding works."

If Cole was anything, he was hypnotic. He was as enigmatic as the Doctor and mysteries have always been the one thing he could never resist.

"I'm not talking about the past. I'm talking about right now. You don't want to Despair. You want to remain Compassion. That is a choice. I told you that every single creature has the potential for despair or compassion. You have been both, so you understand the importance more than most. Yet, you choose compassion. And that is why you're brave."

He's repeating himself, which is rare, but for some reason, he feels it is important for Cole to understand this.

"Usually, but no always. Rhys didn't understand, but he cared anyway. That was enough."

After a long moment, Cole lifts the beetle up to his neck, letting it climb up to his jaw, where it would get a little warmth. "I don't want to hurt people. I kill sometimes, when I have to. But I just want to help. I never thought of that as making me brave. I thought it was just what I am but-"

But he does choose. He's just never thought about it.

"I need to go put the beetle with the outgoing caravan to Orlais."

"Oh! Yes, yes, yes. By all means. Make sure the smallest creature is cared for."

Because, again, that's not making a choice at all(!) But the Doctor knew he had given Cole a lot to think about. And Cole had done the same for him.

He slid his hands in his pockets.

"I'm sure I'll see you around again, Cole."

"Probably," Cole agreed, but it was absent. He was focused on the insect now; it needed his help.

He stood up and took a step and was gone in a curl of smoke.

Which the Doctor just stared at for some long moments. Realising how foggy his memory was, he pulled out his diary and made a few notes. Something he hadn't done the first time. Cole was a great deal like the Silence, but the Doctor didn't want to forget him again.

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Big Guy in the sky, He lied too

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cw: mention of previous animal abuse, discussion of people abuse

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