[OPEN] I have never known peace

[ragweed]

WHO: Kit + you??
WHAT: Kit does what he can to help out the Inquisition during blue flu season, and reconnects with some friends (and lovers) along the way.
WHEN: Throughout February.
WHERE: Gallows + Kirkwall
NOTES:This will be Kit's last log before he goes out in a blaze of glory at the end of the month, so if you'd like one last thread with him, ping me @ ragweed on plurk or on discord and we can make it happen. Starters will be in the comments as I write them up. CW for death and violence in Kit's thread w/ the Medicine Seller.

I have never known hunger
Like these insects that feast on me

Comments

[ragweed]

"Shit," Kit swears sympathetically, as only he can, and raises his eyebrows. "Hope the backfire wasn't too, uh. Explosive." He mimes that part for added effect.

He doesn't miss the note of mild desperation in Anders' voice at that last part, however. Glancing up at his friend, he frowns, then gently nudges him with an elbow. "You're doing the best that any of us can do, all things considered. Go easy on yourself, salroka. You're just one man."

[justice_is_blond]

Anders snorts despite himself.

"If anything around me gets explosive you'll hear all of the Chantry set freak out. It would even rouse the Templars from their drugged stupor." His expression turns wry. "I didn't make this joke, but maybe blowing something up would cure the Templars of this mess."

He leans into the elbow for a moment. "And I know I'm doing the best I can. I've just..." He shakes his head. "I took care of Sina for how long and she died, and there are a lot of patients who we don't have a fix for yet."

[ragweed]

"I didn't make this joke..."

"Salroka, you definitely did, but I won't tell anyone." Kit smirks at him, but then grows more somber the longer he speaks. The time for joking is past, then. "You'll get there, though. Yours isn't the only brain put to that task--it's not all on you." This time, he puts a hand on Anders' shoulder and squeezes.

[justice_is_blond]

Anders closes his eyes at the squeeze, letting the physical contact be all he feels for a brief moment before he looks over at the Dwarf.

"It's not technically all on me, or even practically all on me," he agrees quietly. "But I've never been able to tell myself that when things go wrong. When I lose a patient." Or patients, plural. "When I fail, like I did last time in Kirkwall."

He takes a breath. "I'm sorry. I'm making absolutely lousy company. Not that I think you came here just for the company, but it's supposed to be a plus, not a drain. Do you give lessons on how to not be grim all the time?"

[ragweed]

"Do you give lessons on how not to be grim all the time?"

That earns Anders a warm chuckle in response, but it is tinged with sadness. He shakes his head some, squeezing Anders' shoulder one last time before letting his hand fall away. "What's that old topsider saying," he muses out loud, then smirks again. "'Fake it 'til you make it'?"

Or until you break it. Or it breaks you.

"Something like that, anyhow."

[justice_is_blond]

"There we are, that's why I can't manage it. I've never figured out how to fake it."

Anders shakes his head and chuckles back, managing to get a little humor back. "You've no idea how many disasters in my life would have been averted if I'd the skills to hide things away. ...Or, perhaps, how many more disasters there would have been."

The smile he gives Kit is soft. "But there's no amount of dwelling that will alter the past for good or ill. And it could be worse. Somehow. It can always be worse."

[ragweed]

"But there's no amount of dwelling that will alter the past for good or ill. And it could be worse. Somehow. It can always be worse."

"Yeah," Kit agrees, but he still looks at Anders archly, smirk growing a little lopsided. "Still, could be a lot better, too." He gives Anders' shoulder one more squeeze, then moves to pick up a few more packets of herbs to box up for transport to the Gallows.

[justice_is_blond]

Anders reaches out to rest his hand on Kit's shoulder now, stopping him. The lopsided smile says all the words Kit never does.

"I know you don't like to talk about things much. It's... not easy, sometimes. A lot of the time. But not everything has to be done and handled alone." It had taken him so long to learn that lesson, and he's still learning it again some days. "We don't have to bring these things up right away. We can take our time."

[ragweed]

The hand on his shoulder gives him pause, because truthfully, he's still not accustomed to having even his most innocent efforts at escaping emotional intimacy thwarted. His time in Kirkwall has thrown him into the path of so many people who have insinuated their way into his life despite his best efforts to keep them away.

Apparently, it's hard to keep people from caring about you when you care about them first. Who knew?

"...thanks, Anders," Kit says, and this time doesn't move away from the gentle hand on his shoulder. "Really, salroka--I appreciate it."

[justice_is_blond]

He lets the contact linger, his own smile a little sad. After a moment, he squeezes Kit's shoulder and nods.

"Any time, Kit. I mean it." He drops his hand down. There's so many serious people and attitudes around the place, something he understands, but he also has learned that going at things bearing the burden alone doesn't go well. ...It's just too easy to try to bear it alone. Sharing, reaching out, opening up, it's all hard. "You know where to find me, you know my schedule. You're one of few that does."

Even with the offer, and the accepting of it, he doesn't think the Dwarf will take him up on talking. Anders gives Kit a warmer smile now. "Would you like to stop for a time? I can brew tea in the backroom and we'll have privacy. Or we can move on and take these up where they're headed. I'll leave the call to you."