[OPEN] I have never known peace

[ragweed]

WHO: Kit + you??
WHAT: Kit does what he can to help out the Inquisition during blue flu season, and reconnects with some friends (and lovers) along the way.
WHEN: Throughout February.
WHERE: Gallows + Kirkwall
NOTES:This will be Kit's last log before he goes out in a blaze of glory at the end of the month, so if you'd like one last thread with him, ping me @ ragweed on plurk or on discord and we can make it happen. Starters will be in the comments as I write them up. CW for death and violence in Kit's thread w/ the Medicine Seller.

I have never known hunger
Like these insects that feast on me

Comments

[ragweed]

"You ought to be a dwarf, in that case," Kit says, in what is ostensibly an attempt to inject a little levity into the mood. He smirks and knocks his knuckles against the stone of the ramparts. "Sleeping like a rock? Not a metaphor for us. Once we're out," a vague gesture, "we're out."

Not that that helps with his waking hours, where he's run ragged just like the rest of them. And even if a dreamless sleep is guaranteed to the children of the Stone, what good is it if you only get a wink of it, here and there? The dark circles beneath the already dark skin of his eyes speak to that readily enough.

He exhales again, going quiet. Then, in what is clearly an attempt at being supportive, he moves to clasp a hand on Julius' shoulder, squeezing once.

"Shit," he says quietly. "I wish I knew what to say, but I just don't."

[overharrowed]

"It's alright." He smiles, crooked but warm. "It's hard to imagine, sometimes. Not just never seeing the Fade but not dreaming at all. But I'll be honest, just at present it does sound restful."

Julius isn't one to give in to despair; he's been described as both "persistent" and "stubborn," depending on who did the describing, and neither read is entirely wrong. But effort alone is no guarantee of results. And he's not a healer, not really. He isn't even entirely sure what he's looking for.

"What have they got you doing, in all this mess?" he asks, rather than dwelling on it. He seems to find Kit's gesture reassuring, for all that it won't actually fix anything.

[ragweed]

He gives Julius' shoulder one more squeeze before letting go, turns his attention to his cigarette briefly, and takes another quick pull from it. Breathing out the smoke, he gives his head a little shake. "Picking up some of the slack in Scouting division," he says. "Beleth's got enough on her plate without micromanaging the recruits and dealing with the daily logistics of running things."

For a moment he considers the burning end of his cigarette, then breathes out again. "But my skillset is... well. It's hard not to feel totally useless, situation like this."

[overharrowed]

"Poor Beleth. Three quarters of division heads down in Kirkwall at once can't be comfortable for the fourth, though she seems to be holding up as well as anyone." They may all be grading on a curve, these days.

"I understand the frustration, though. Though I do appreciate that you're keeping the division functional. Especially with the quarantine, information is important too. Even if it's not directly related to the illness... it does the sick no good if we're taken by surprise by something else." Julius shrugs, lithe. "It feels a bit as if all of us are going in circles."

[ragweed]

"Wouldn't it be nice to just... stop, for a minute." Kit makes another vague gesture with one hand. The way he says it makes it sound like an impossible task, and maybe it is. Even if it's sort of what they're doing already, right now. "Stop chasing our tails and just catch our breath."

Or have a smoke. His eyes flick from Julius to the distant city again; he brings up the cigarette, takes a drag from it, blows the smoke out.

[overharrowed]

"That sounds novel," Julius says, dry but warm. "I don't know if I've ever done that in my life. What about you?" It's possible Kit is better at stillness than Julius -- most people are -- but even so, it's not as if they live in times well suited to slowing down especially often. He imagines less so with the Legion.

[ragweed]

Kit shrugs one shoulder. "You'd be surprised," he says, examines the end of his cigarette, and taps the excess ash off the end of it. The breeze catches the ash and carries it away. "You get a lot of down time when you're on the road as a mercenary. Or in the Deep Roads, if you can believe it. Five intense minutes spent fighting darkspawn followed by..." A pause, a shrug, and another drag off his cigarette. "I don't know. A week just spent wandering the roads, waiting to see what's going to happen next."

He glances up at Julius and cracks a wry grin. "It's not always pleasant surprises, down there."

[overharrowed]

"I suppose that makes sense, though it's not the way I'm used to picturing the Deep Roads." His mental picture was more the Battle of Denerim, only all the time, which logically he knew couldn't be true, but felt right from a distance. "It must strange, waiting for something you know you almost certainly aren't going to like."

[ragweed]

"It must strange, waiting for something you know you almost certainly aren't going to like."

Another drag from the smoke, another exhalation. Kit doesn't say much for a moment, his expression gone still and distant. Then, pensive, "Yeah. Not much to look forward to down there at all." And there's not supposed to be any coming back from it, either.

That old wound, the old guilt, needles at him. He tries to push it aside.

"Sorry," he says a moment later, chuckling, "that's kind of a grim turn for the conversation to take, isn't it."

[overharrowed]

"If you haven't noticed," Julius says, wry, "it's a bit of a grim time. I don't mind if you don't."

Still, it seems like Kit might prefer a change of subject. He takes a drag on his cigarette, then says, "I wonder, too, if it's not just temperament, with me. You'd think spending most of your life in one tower would give you plenty of time to rest if you wanted it, but I was always looking for the next project. The next stepping stone. I'm not very good at stopping and enjoying the moment, I've been told."

[ragweed]

Kit appreciates the subject change, moreso when the subject change in question veers away from him, and more towards Julius.

"I'm not very good at stopping and enjoying the moment, I've been told."

That makes him crack a lopsided smile. "Not one for hanging around to take in the scenery?" he says, clearly teasing a little, as he gestures out across the channel at the grim spectacle that is the rest of Kirkwall. It has character, he'll give it that much, and from this vantage point it's easier to see where the lights stay on well after dark. Some parts of the city never sleep.

Kit looks away from the skyline to glance back at his friend. He twists his cigarette between his fingers for a moment, then smiles. "Well for what it's worth, salroka, I'm glad you stopped to chat tonight."

[overharrowed]

"In fairness," Julius says, "the scenery didn't change much for most of my life. When you think you're going to be looking at the same lake forever, you tend to take it for granted."

He glances back at Kit, meeting his gaze. "Truthfully, the times I did appreciate the moment, it's usually been the company, not the landscape." In another mood, it might have been pure flirtation, or even a joke. In this one, with both of them worn out and in the muted atmosphere of night on the ramparts... it's something a bit more honest than either.

Which is to say he's glad he stopped too.

[ragweed]

It's the sincerity of the observation that catches Kit's attention, has him holding Julius' gaze for a few quiet moments after he finishes speaking. He absently taps the ash off the end of his cigarette, then chuckles a little and says, "Kind of a shame we never managed to make time to go for that drink."

The comment might similarly be viewed as flirtatious under other circumstances; right now it seems more like a wistful acknowledgement of their never-ending obligations to the Inquisition, and the things (missed opportunities) that fall by the wayside as a result.

[overharrowed]

Julius smiles a bit, warm bit muted. "Probably. Look, once everything calms down a bit, let's finally do that. No shop talk for few hours. We'll both have earned it." And they both probably won't take it except for the other's sake.

[ragweed]

No, they probably won't.

Kit's lopsided grin strengthens a little. "All right, salroka, you got it. First round's on me." One more drag off his cigarette, before he adds, "Unless I've lost all my spending money at diamondback again. Routine hazard."

With the cigarette having burnt down to a nub, he puts it out on the stone before flicking it away. "I should grab some sleep while I've got the chance." When he straightens and moves to turn, he pauses long enough to place a hand on Julius' shoulder. "You try to get some rest too, all right? You're only human."

...Says the dwarf. There's a joke there somewhere, but he leaves it alone for now.

[overharrowed]

Julius laughs, though whether at the joke or the broader situation... well, it could easily be either. "We're both hypocrites, but I'll do my best. I should start saving my strength now if I plan to keep up with you, I suspect." The casual hand on his shoulder is nice; Julius is a tactile person, but he's kept too much to himself, these past few months. (Cautious, as ever.)

He waves Kit off. "Take care of yourself out there. I'll see you soon."