faderift | [Closed] A perfect storm

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[Closed] A perfect storm

WHO: Anders, established-CR people; poke me on plurk or in Discord for a top level if you'd like!
WHAT: A pair of triggers collide and fuck up Anders
WHEN: Early Guardian
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES: Panic attacks, possible talk of trauma in the past, related issues, dark thoughts

He'd run from being locked up seven times, knowing that the seventh was a death sentence, and been willing to go in alone to what seemed likely to be a lethal trap (and was) to try to destroy his phylactery. With both of them, life like that wasn't worth it.

Now both are back. He's held again, in a Circle, his phylactery is being messed with, and on top of that he can't heal in Darktown so he can do even less than he could in Kirkwall seven years ago.

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He starts at the touch, blinking at the woman as he tries to place her face. A few moments later it comes to him and Anders swallows. Inessa. Fellow Warden and mage. A friend. Not a threat. Anders tries for a smile, though it comes out more like a grimace.

"Ah. Hi. I was... standing. Just standing. Not..." Not making a break for it, he wants to say, since she's from Kinloch Hold, but he can't quite manage his own defense right now. "You're... here."

He can totally pull off seeming normal.

Inessa nods, patiently giving him a moment to collect himself. She doesn't really expect normal, though. Normal is for people who don't have their particular set of circumstances, and his past.

"I am. I thought I would visit Potato, while I was feeling up to it." She pauses, then shakes her head. "You don't need to hide it from me, Anders. I know it must strain you to remain here. Perhaps it's unwise to recommend this, but...the griffons need exercise, anyway. We wouldn't be breaking any regulations by taking Potato and Buggie out for a quick loop around."

If the griffons never touch the ground outside, it can't be truly breaking quarantine, right? Were it Inessa alone, she would stop to ask a division head first, but she knows that look. Anders needs this, and perhaps so does she.

For a brief moment tears threaten to spill and then he's taking a breath, looking away and regathering himself. He loathes showing weakness, but she knows what's going on here. It's not a new thing.

"A loop wouldn't be wrong," he says as he looks back, sounding like he's trying to convince both of them. It's not abandoning Nate or what he needs to do here. Anders swallows hard and gets himself back under control the rest of the way. "Buggie would appreciate it, too. Please. Let's fly?"

She waits without complaint, giving Anders all the time he needs to collect himself. When he meets her gaze again, she gives a small smile of encouragement as she gives that arm a light squeeze.

"Absolutely. They're waiting for us; shall we?" Those stairs aren't going to climb themselves, after all.

He reaches over to pat the hand that's squeezing his arm, nodding, before heading up the stairs. Anders' breathing is ragged by the time they get up to the top, but it's not from exertion. It's from keeping his steps even and preventing them from turning into a mad dash, the tension of which shows in his body. There had been no way to prepare for either feeling of being caged and leashed again.

Buggie seems nearly as glad to see Anders as he is to see her; he hastily opens her stall and she's quickly bumping into him, nudging him, searching for the bag of meat jerky he always brings up. Some of the tension leaves his body then, and he fishes around for any spare snacks he has. This hadn't been a planned trip.

"I'll make it up to you later, girl," he says quietly before he parts and gets her harness.

Inessa keeps pace with him, normally not pushing herself but they never know when another episode will occur these days. With that in mind, she'd rather not have it while ascending stairs. She turn her attention back to Anders once they're clear of them.

When Buggie greets Anders, she smiles and watches for a moment before Potato starts making a racket. Knowing it's best not to keep her waiting. "Tsk, Potato. So noisy! Yes, I have food. You can have it if you don't try to settle in my lap." Taking some jerky, she offers it to her feathery 'daughter' before leading her out, glancing over to Anders. "I have some to spare, if you'd like."

"Please," he says a beat later than he should. Fighting against his instincts is difficult, and taking a lot of his brainspace. Buggie is more than happy to munch down on the offered out meat once it's handed over, making happy squeaks as she continues to headbump him, but now it's affection.

Anders gently gets all the straps in place, talking quietly to Buggie as she tries and fails to help him speed up. It's important to get them secured, after all. Eventually, despite her dancing around, Anders has her set up and he grabs one of the coats.

"I'm ready, when you are." His heart is in his chest and he's doing his best to ignore it.

Potato grumbles, but Inessa shows her that the feed bag is not empty -Buggie didn't 'steal' the last of it. After soothing the griffon, she glances over and nods to Anders. This is best done sooner than later.

"Before we go:

We're likely still vulnerable to episodes, wherever we are; if you're able to move, please signal if you feel it happen? I will do the same." As long as they're strapped in, it should be fine, but Inessa would still rather be aware.

Anders nods confirmation as he climbs up and secures the straps. He doesn't know that he'd be able to signal during a spell, and he doesn't know what he could do for her in the air if she signals, but it's an easy agreement to make anyway.

"Phylacteries and the Circle and my patients without a healer in Darktown. It's just about as much of a mess as it can be, isn't it." His voice is back to exhausted, but thankfully there's relief just ahead of them. Anders clicks to Buggie and she heads to their ledge before launching into the air, flapping her wings happily as they start to gain altitude.

"It is, but focus on something else for a little while." Nudging Potato, Inessa holds on as her griffon sprints to the ledge and hurls herself into the air with a screech, angling up to match Buggie's own pace. The defining features of Kirkwall start to recede, and so high above, everything seems easier to bear...at least to Inessa.

It's never easy for him to let go, for all that he's been working on it since Sina's passing. The air hits his face, though, dirty and smelling of Kirkwall but air nonetheless, and he can feel some of the knots loosen in his stomach.

The temptation to run is stronger here. It would be the easiest of things to urge his beautiful griffon northward and leave this behind. Not just easy. It would be freeing. Anders releases the reins with one hand so he can touch his wedding ring, twist it around his finger, and remember why he's not bolting. Nate, and all of his friends who are sick and scared.

He can never really trust the inquisition again, he's not sure he can trust a few specific people anymore, but he's a spirit healer and needed.

Eventually Anders becomes aware of the sinking sun. They've been out here for some time and Buggie is getting tired. He exhales, feeling physical heartache, and gives her the signal to return before giving it to Inessa too.

Anders won't run. Inessa knows the temptation is there, how could it not be? But she's also aware of certain factors below which make all the difference. She glances over to him and Buggie periodically, keeping Potato relatively closer though her griffon loves showing off her skill in the air with sudden twists and runs. Potato's elation is somewhat contagious, even as there's that lingering fear in the back of Inessa's mind that an episode could still happen.

When Anders signals, Inessa nods does the same to Potato, gently guiding her back toward the roost. As Kirkwall's details grow larger again, she sighs a little in both relief and longing for the sky above. Holding on tight as her mount descends, she remains that way until Potato touches ground. Before thinking to dismount, she'll glance back to make sure all is well with the other pair.

They land, and he's not hasty to get off. Rather, he stays seated on Buggie for an unusual time after they've come in. She's not going to be taking off again, he'll not make her do that, but he doesn't want to touch the ground. He doesn't want to fully come in. It feels like a surrender and he looks over at Inessa with tired eyes. If he could shapeshift, he'd do it in this moment, become a bird and sail off, giving up on the fight.

"We need protection," he finally mumbles. "A way to make sure they can never take our freedom."

Once Potato is situated and content, Inessa makes her way over to Buggie and Anders. That he hasn't dismounted is noted, and her gaze is sympathetic as she heads over, patting Buggie. Sighing, she nods.

"I don't disagree. Just because it's difficult to see a way out doesn't mean there isn't one, however. We just need to keep searching." And she offers her hand, willing to support him when he's ready to dismount.

After a pause, Anders wearily takes her hand and climbs down. Buggie dances around, bumping him in the back before he starts taking the straps off her.

"What I would give for one task to be easy. One goal. Straightforward and clear and not..." He signs and waves his hand to indicate all of the situations around them. "Rifter and Templar plague. Phylacteries. Lasting freedom. The state of those suffering in Darktown. On and on. It never ends and it's always more challenging, more difficult, more complicated than I expect."

Buggies straps are off and she flaps her wings playfully as he goes to hang them up where they belong. At least someone is happy.

She smiles a little at Buggie and then Potato as the latter soars up to her favorite perch. But that smile fades as she nods, sighing at the myriad of issues to be dealt with. "Sometimes the only way out is through, sadly. Whatever solutions we find, there won't be any shortcuts. The only comfort is that we're not doing so alone. Try and remember that, at least."

"It's about the only hope I can truly cling to," he says quietly. "We're not alone this time. I'm not alone this time. But at times like this it feels like we're sorely in the minority."

Anders takes a breath and shakes his head. "Thank you. I should get back to work, but this was nice." It had been fantastic to feel the wind on his face.

Inessa nods, knowing that there's only so much she can say to bolster his spirits, and that his time in the air was far more effective at that, anyway. She glances to Potato, tempted to spend a little more time with her to make up for the recent lack of it. "It was, and when you need it again, just ask. Chances are good that I'll need it, as well."

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[Closed] A perfect storm

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