faderift | ( closed ) embrace like an avalanche

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( closed ) embrace like an avalanche

WHO: Lakshmi & Magni
WHAT: working with an ex with awkward, sometimes
WHEN: mumbles vaguely
WHERE: smithy
NOTES:

( The hours in the smithy are long, working iron into steel and steel to blades. She is hammering at something when the door opens, presently alone in her work, beating hammer to metal with a steady rhythm. Her skin seems almost to glow in the light from the forge, and her skin runs with sweat from the heat of it. Such a heat might be oppressive to a good many, and that she could hardly fault them for.

The door opening hardly means inherently that someone needs her attention, and so she pays it little mind, stepping to the bellows to make the fire burn more fiercely, so that the blade she is presently working on can be re-heated once more, as she continues to progress with it. It was not that she lacked for work generally speaking, but with a battle lurching closer, many more blades and weapons needed making.

It's when she is collecting up the blade that she looks towards the door, and stops.

Ah. )

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[ She lays her fingers over Magni's, turning into it. She can't help but... laugh, idly. Not cruel, but in a great gap of understanding about herself, the things she needs.

Burden, yes, perhaps, in the way living itself was a burden. A burden in the way keep these things was when time threatened to take so much. ]

I would never ask if I did not want, Magni. I say as I mean, and I do as I say. I make my choices and do not go back on them. That is not my way. It never has been. Even when they are foolish, I would rather accept, and do better.

[ Her head turns, briefly, to take a slow breath. Some understanding, that perhaps for a while, perhaps for a great long while, this may all she might have of her. Pressing her nose against her skin and breathing her in. That smell of metal, leather and skin. How Magni could be so coarse from her work, but there, just there, against her pulse, she was smooth, soft. ] But that is what I am, that is the life you will have with me. You asked me to respect what you wished instead of making the choice for you. You were right, I do respect you, and if I am going to begin to make amends then... this is what I was not telling you, or them, or anyone. This is what I am, and this is what I can offer you.

( Her expression is wry. I say as I mean, except in matters relating to their relationship, such as it was. I make my choices and do not go back on them, save for when she drew Magni close at Satinalia, and cast her aside in the next breath.

Though, when she takes a moment to reflect more on Rani's words, what she seems to mean is that she holds herself accountable for her decisions, does not shrug away the reality and repercussions of them, rather than trying to evade responsibility. That she cannot fault her for.

And though some great romantic part of her that, that part which might lurk in the heart of even the most practiced stoic if they were caught off guard, wishes to cast all these truths aside and say they don't matter! Love will prevail! the reality is that they do matter. They will have their consequences, they will wear on each of them as surely as water wears on stone. Her chest feels lighter than it did two hours ago, and far heavier in the same moment. Hope that was bound.

She exhales, and her shoulders sink, before her other hand comes up to cup the other side of Rani's face, and she gently draws her into a kiss, leaning up to meet it. Because she does not know, and she has no certainty, but if her decision must be no, then she wants at least to ensure that they have something affectionate they can remember that is not muddied by the harsher memories. )

[ She doesn't hesitate, leaning to kiss her back with an instinct that never falters. In turning up to Magni ( still almost as tall as she was, when she kneeling and Lakshmi was sitting and the thought if makes some breathless, younger part of Lakshmi smile ), and not stopping nor hesitating, nor pulling back.

Her hands lifting in return to brace against Magni's neck. She understands, or at least she thinks she does, what this means. Neither a denial nor an acceptance. Something better, something between. A for now. She takes it gladly. Glad especially that Magni bore no naivety over how serious this truly was.

When they break, she does not pull from her. Her head tilts, pressing their forehead together, turning, tracing the side of Magni's face with her nose in a brush of still too wanting affection for all she had pretended these past weeks to not want such things. She wants her, and that she hopes now at least, is plain.

Swallows, not exactly that her throat is dry, but that she hungers for something so dearly, so much, that she knows she must not touch. ]

Best we... do not talk much. Our... commanders are not best pleased with me, I recently... did something very foolish, and when I found that through so much means, I could not return home, I put it to them. About what I am, for them to decide my fate. They are still not letting me out of their sight because of it and... I do not wish their scrutiny to fall on you because of any attachments I have.

( Magni could almost laugh. This small moment, this reprieve where she can just for a few seconds hold onto her Manu and— and be in this space, and there is another warning. More caution, more calamities.

(Perhaps she should take it for a sign. Perhaps she should realise that she might be doomed when she doesn't count this against Rani more severely.)

A shake of her head. )

But I am so famed for talking.

( Dryly, even if the comment is somewhat obtuse. She grasps what Rani means. ) I don't fear scrutiny.

You say that but... I recently... attempted to leave Thedas. By... jumping through a rift into the fade. Unfortunately, too many people followed me. Including Marcoulf.

[ She coughs, uncomfortable. She had something terrible, worse than terrible because it was one thing when she risked herself mindlessly. Another, when she risked others. ]

( Marcoulf, who had made his disapproval of her entanglement with Lakshmi known even when she was just a queen, Marcoulf who had so many concerns and was one of her dearest and oldest friends. Marcoulf had followed her Manu into the Fade, and he did not think of that place as the Avvar do, but even she knows that to go into the Fade—

She inhales slowly, but with audible force. What impacts did such a thing have on Marcoulf?

There are many questions that she needs to organise her mind to process, to formulate, and she stands to give herself room to think, though her hand rests on Lakshmi's shoulder. She could barely even decipher what to call her. Majesty had been an affectionate teasing, and even Rani had some root in that, removed as it might be when compared to Manu. What chance, then, did she have against getting her head around that she had entered the Fade, the land of dreams and home to sacred spirits?

What did it all mean? The silence may have lasted minutes. She's not certain how long she stands without speaking, until— )

That is when you came to me.

[ The nod is slow, hard to admit the truth of those moments, they had felt a blur of misery and confusion. The grief like she had lost some part of herself she could not have fathomed, had not felt for years. Missing some part of who she was that was not what Coupe or Gwen had assumed. It had nothing to do with titles, with wanting unthinking respect or demanding position.

But there were people, people who she had sworn always to stand for, beside, be with, and yet she was here. ]

I... I was out of my mind. I had done something so foolish out of desperation. Wanted so much to go back to those I had sworn myself too. But I was still here. I did not... mean to lean on you in such a way.

[ No doubt, Magni remembers it clearer than she did. How she has shoved her way in. Looking for comfort the way she knew how to take it. Haphazardly remembered how Magni had gently stopped her, directed her to something more than that. Wrapped up and allowed to sleep like she could not have let herself do.

Doesn't particularly want to linger in it, either, but for the sake of making sure... ] They had ordered me to be bound to the Gallows for my actions, as you can imagine, our commanders do not trust me particularly after that. That and... [ Out with it, Lakshmi, and she chuckles briefly. ] I said I did not want to trust them but I found them a better option, as the nobles drunk lecherous boot licking whores and the chantry to be religious fanatics.

( She can't help it - she laughs. Lecherous bootlicking and religious fanatics are the best and most accurate things she's heard applied to the lowlands in a long time. It starts as a near silent thing that her shoulders, and then she has to look away because she's grinning and the laughter starts to become an audible thing. Husky, rough, much like the rest of her.

This is a poor reaction, probably, but she doesn't know what else to do. A glance back to Lakshmi, to her Rani, and the laughter is renewed. A bright spark.

It is so absurd, so ridiculous, and in the midst of such abject misery - her own of these past weeks, Rani's hurts, her despair and her desperation, and then she said that. )

[ I have never seen her laugh so much, she realises faintly. Fighting her own smile as she realises Magni is truly laughing. Pressing her lips together in such a decided way it was only kept from spreading by a execution of sheer will. ]

I am glad it amuses you, it certainly did not amuse them.

( Sorry, sorry. That just makes her laugh harder. She's literally taking a seat on the ground, one hand on her abdomen as she tries to rein in the laughter. )

How are you a diplomat?

[ She pushes at her shoulder as she falls - go on then, fall over, laughing at her. A little easiness as her shoulders fall back, her ankles crossing underneath the bed, and her hands rest either side of her.

For a moment, it isn't like everything else has happened. ]

Because I managed not to say it to anyone else's face for months, that's how.

Maybe I should be a diplomat.

( If those are the requirements. She's even better at keeping her mouth shut.

She has to prop herself up on one elbow, slouched on the floor as she looks up at Lakshmi. )

Congratulations on making it months before you called the Chantry self-righteous heretics.

( what an achievement, wow )

It was a struggle, almost daily.

[ It's hard, not to just sink down on top of her. Crawl to settle over her hips, straddle her firmly. So she can push her back and kiss her firmly for taking such enjoyment her present situation.

But her hands stay put, and her cants to one side. ]

I do believe in my work, as they have given it to me. It... affords an opportunity to help others in more ways than just beating my head against a wall. But I... lost my temper at Commander Coupe.

Try worshipping the gods that their Blessed Andraste cast aside for the "Maker."

( She doesn't make airquotes, no, but they're there. Audible airquotes. A quiet huff of disgust and amusement mixed together. Blessed Andraste.

Her eyebrows raise a little. The expression says, you? lose your temper? say it isn't so. )

[ And her expression back is I have no idea what you are talking about? I am a picture of temperance. ]

Ah, is that what the difference is? There was a man that... he spoke to me of the Avvar, I thought to ask you about it earlier.

[ But then you wrecked her so bad she couldn't speak r i p. ] Namely that ... I, like the Avvar, worship many Gods, of nature and of men.

She was not Avvar but... of one of the tribes that came before us.

( A loose shrug. She doesn't much care for the Chantry, and it's something she's made a point of not speaking about beyond the walls of the Hold. Not, mind you, that her not speaking about something was necessarily the point of struggle.

Mulling over Lakshmi's words, she nods a little, pensive. Doesn't reply immediately - which man and when was earlier and what exactly do you mean? because people can say all manner of things. Instead she watches, waiting for Lakshmi to go on. )

We were talking... of how there are varied faiths in my homeland. I ruled over many different groups. But I found it is to reconcile our differences because in my own teachings, we believe that all Gods are an expression of divinity to each individual group and as valid as each other. He mentioned the Avvar as one of the variances here, in these lands.

[ There is a pull. Expressing that opinion had not gone over well, not remotely well. ]

And to another, I said... that as long as there was a want to act in compassion, with love and concern to want to help others - what did the differences matter? He did not enjoy such words even mildly.

( Long moments of watching her Rani. As long as there was a want to act in compassion, with love. Was that what was at the core of her, under the sharpness and biting? What spurred her on when she hurt so desperately that she clung, and when she bared her claws? A queen who wished to act in harmony and unite her people, who saw those same people she adored be torn apart by monsters?

Is that who Lakshmi is? Is love what had turned her to lies and viciousness?

Magni realises she should reply. )

Because their Maker has abandoned them until they make everyone worship him.

( She shakes her head. )

The Maker sounds— ( A quiet sound of disgust. She can't quite settle on the word she wants. ) I feel Korth with me every day. I see the Sky Lady in the breeze and soaring birds. They don't demand I turn others to them.

Edited 2018-12-12 11:35 (UTC)

[ Used to Magni's silences, well enough, that she does nothing but wait patiently.

And - for once, there is something she can latch onto, understand. A brightness to it as she looks up to Magni with... it wasn't that she expected Magni to be sharp, or cruel, or turn her away.

But to hear it repeated? Her gaze softens, warms. ] Yes, when I go into battle I know Goddess Kali guides my way forward, when I bath in rivers I feel the chant of my homeland, and I feel washed a knew, and they ask only that I pursue truth. [ And without looking away - the one thing is apparent.

She has been here but a few months, and yes, she knew the disrespect the half-breed's had for anything that was sacred when they were hungry. But - ] It... must be difficult, to be here, in the Inquisition, in a thing founded to serve this... Chantries cause.

( Her smile warms with that. To know the guidance of Kali and the closeness Lakshmi feels to the land, to grasp onto this precious glimpse of who she was, what stars she guides herself by.

And then that question comes, and her gaze drops, shuttered. For a brief moment, something fragile lingers in the line of her mouth.

I serve the fight against Corypheus, she should say. Instead she shrugs, a bit uselessly. )

I know they won't - so thank you, for being better than their pettiness.

[ She means it - more than just to pat her on the hand. How much people could take for granted that they were right and they deserved, and never bothered to look at how they got there. At the people that must work beside them in tandem. ]

To lend your skills to their smithies and your strength to their fight. That is a mighty thing, even if they would only gloat over it.

( Her expression twists a little, with that, looking up but not quite looking at Lakshmi. )

Don't.

( She shakes her head. Don't, don't praise her. )

I was ordered to them by the Thane of Talonhold. To serve the Inquisition is to serve my Hold. ( Eyes of the Avvar, ears of the Avvar, watching what the heretics do and say. Her voice is rough, rasping. She is not above their pettiness. )

[ That was - her eyebrows raise. Hovering.

She is of her people, as you would be of yours. The gold band curves between her fingers where it is still clasped in her palm, where it's flat on the bed. ]

What is a ... Thane? A Lord?

( A face at "lord," looking up at Lakshmi with very mild reproach. Lord, indeed. )

The leader of our Hold. They understands our oaths and challenges.

( There's like...... so much to explain. She'd prefer to not. Instead she pushes herself up to stand and moves to the foot of the bed, flopping backwards onto it so she's lying behind where Lakshmi is sitting. )

Please don't tell people I was ordered here.

[ Oh, no, no that is not sliding. Her eyebrows might just disappear into her hair. ]

.... Magni, are you a princess?

[ She turns to watch Magni intently, follows after her intently to make sure she understands this correctly. The rest, the rest would certainly wait until she understands this particular thing properly. ]

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pours one out for all my broken icons

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