Open Catch-All | If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy

[keenly]

WHO: Colin & you
WHAT: Catch-all for March/Drakonis
WHEN: Entire month
WHERE: Kirkwall, Val Royeaux
NOTES: Content warnings, OOC notes, links to other relevant posts, etc.

Sidony and Alexandrie

Since the Veil tore in this tower, Colin has had his hands full with melancholia patients. Some just need a little care and nurturing; others require alcohol infused with senna and any number of herbal teas for anxiety. He is in the process of stuffing leaves into a bottle when the door opens. He does not look up.

"Can I help you?" he asks distractedly, coming out of the haze of thought he always falls into when performing menial tasks.

Anders

There's a knock on Anders' door, and it is followed by Colin's muted smile as he holds up a bottle of wine.

"I'm, um. It's stupid, but I'm moving out. Officially. Just got permission this morning. Celebratory drink, for another mage getting out of the Gallows?"

Bartimaeus

To say it's a shock to see Bartimaeus casually in the hallway would be both correct and misleading, as if he would merely freeze in place instead of swearing and starting backwards, dropping everything he was holding. Also, he's not near any doors, which is. Fun. But it has occurred to him that this may simply be a weird rifter and not a demon, especially given the shard on his hand. Doesn't make him want to be in this hallway, but it does make him look embarrassed at his alarm as he gives a sheepish wave.

"Sorry," he says even though it was his own crap he dropped, which he stoops to pick up. "Hello, um. Again. How are you?"

Because their last encounter totally ended well.

Wildcard

Comments

[keenly]

"I know." Colin shifts his weight, a minor squirm under Anders' touch. "I wouldn't make it about the living, you know how private I am. But it's not...worthy, for them, not to talk about how they died. They deserve that story. It, it can't just be forgotten when those of us who remember are gone. How senseless it was, how preventable it was, how the templars saved themselves instead of their charges. Like what happened at Dairsmuid needs to be known, so does this. There's...I owe it to them. Because I listened to their screams, I've been charged with conveying those screams to the rest of the world. Haven't I?"

[justice_is_blond]

"That's the 'what happened to them after,'" he says, releasing Colin. Touch helps him. It doesn't always help everyone else, something he forgets from time to time. Or maybe he's just a little starved for it at the moment.

"Their death gets included, because that's what has the impact. First we make non-mages related to them, then they get to see their end and why it was undeserved. We could fire up their sense of right and wrong, of just and unjust. We wake them up to us being people, and we wake them up to atrocities against said people... but it has to be in that order. If we're just mages to them, nameless terrors in robes wielding fire and lightning, nothing we do will matter for long."

[keenly]

"And if I talk about what I heard, what I saw, I might have been the only one who had those friends and heard those things. The other apprentices who lived, they were protected by Wynne in the lower levels. They didn't hear what I heard while knowing who I knew."

He may be a smidge paranoid. He has no way to know for sure.

[justice_is_blond]

"Colin." His voice is level and he moves to take the bottle from the younger man so he can pour them both something to drink.

"Hear me. No one will be outed. We'll omit any details that could put someone currently alive at risk. I will personally make you aren't put at risk. That will mean some details have to be left out but that is valid reasoning for it." And if the Templar figures it out anyway and comes for Colin, then maybe that particular problem could be put to rest permanently.

[keenly]

Colin releases the wine and sits on a chair. Anders is right, but it's impossible to feel comforted. He's entirely accustomed to hiding and pretending, devoted to never making an impression on the world because the people who make impressions on the world always end badly. And making an impression means making tracks. Prints that can be followed. This would be the first footprint. With a second one, there would be a line leading in his direction. He spent four years running from the templars and four years before that running from one specific templar. When does he stop? End of the earth? When can he finally consider himself safe?

When the wine is poured, he barely notices.

"I'll do it," he says meekly, and after a moment, sips his wine. "I've just never done...anything."

[justice_is_blond]

"Never?" The question is gentle. He takes his own cup before looking over at Colin. "You started a shop. You became open about being a mage. You started formally learning spirit healing. You've made choices that will shape and direct your life, Colin. You might be stronger than you know."

Colin is. Anders is fairly certain it's not just his opinion, either.

[keenly]

A noncommittal noise. The truth is that a big part of him regrets all of that. The worst part of him. He regrets being open and exposing himself, despite knowing it led to important friendships. The alternative was to continue being completely alone. Now, he’s staring into a future of continued terror and abuse and it’s too late to uncouple himself from the fate of mages.

“That’s not strength. That’s catching up with the mages here. You’re all the heroes.”

[justice_is_blond]

He doesn't know why being called a hero feels so wrong and so... shameful, almost. Hero was subjective, as was villain, in some cases, and by the numbers he's helped more than he's hurt. It still doesn't feel like it fits.

"Everyone's life is different, Colin. There's no falling behind or catching up. You're still with us, you've not become an abomination, you're not in hiding. You're showing strength, whether you feel it or not."

[keenly]

“It’s a very near thing sometimes,” he says quietly. “Getting out of bed. Getting out of the flat. And that’s the best of times. If the Circles come back...”

He’s not sure what he’ll do then. He’s afraid to think on it.

[justice_is_blond]

"I understand. I've been there." And sometimes he goes back to there, especially when he hears talk about the Divine elections.

"You don't have to greet every day with a smile. You just have to keep going. That's all. And if they come back, we will deal with it then."

[keenly]

Do I have to keep going?

Colin nods and flashes a smile. “Cross that bridge when we come to it,” he agrees. “Meanwhile, I want to be part of if. The, the book.”

[justice_is_blond]

That seems... overly easy. Anders studies Colin for a moment before slowly nodding. Maybe he shouldn't scrutinize a gift too closely and risk pushing the young man away.

"I'm glad. Think of a few of them, people you'd like to have remembered, and write down what details you have. We'll flesh out the stories and make sure you're safe."

[keenly]

“Thank you.” A somewhat empty smile. “I know you mean it. I’m sorry if I’m...seeming like I don’t trust you. It’s the world I don’t trust.”

[justice_is_blond]

The hair on the back of Anders' neck stands up. No, something is very wrong here.

"Colin. Talk to me." His voice is firm. That's the look of someone ready to give up and Anders is not about to permit that. "If this is too much, then we can find other mages. There are countless ones who have been lost over the years."

[keenly]

“It’s not too much,” Colin laughs. “It would be good to give them the little justice I can. They won’t get it anywhere else.”

[justice_is_blond]

The laughter is a lie and Anders doesn't know how to move past it. He can't. Not if Colin won't let him. There's no barging through this wall, only getting it lowered and he doesn't know the key to that right now.

"I'm here," he finally says, gaze on Colin's. "Know that. I'm here for you."

[keenly]

Now Colin looks puzzled.

“I really am fine.” This is what calm looks like. Don’t people want him to be calm? “What’s wrong?”

[justice_is_blond]

Your eyes are empty, he thinks but doesn't say. You smile like one who has given up and thinks he can fool others, and can, if they've never been there themselves. If they've never lost people to it before.

Not a single word of that would help.

"I worry." It's true, and hopefully it won't push Colin away. "Now, more than ever. With the elections looming and Nate not here I see reason to worry everywhere, maybe even where it's not warranted." Colin is not his child, but he cares for him as if he was. He fears for him as if he was.

[keenly]

He knows. Anders knows.

Something of Colin comes back to his eyes, and it is a bright, raw terror. Not of Anders, but of himself. He sees what he might do to himself and desperately, madly craves someone to save him. All it would take is a few words. Tell Anders he should be worried, he should do something because Colin is trapped with no voice. His lips part, he wants to tell him about this half-formed plan. He should tell him what he bought and hid, hoping he would forget where it is (he hasn’t). He should tell him what he means by I don’t want to die.

“I’m fine,” he croaks.

[justice_is_blond]

He's not. But what can Anders do? Keep watch, be around, hope that Colin comes to him, and that's it, really. It's a wonder Anders' hands aren't shaking as he sits here with Colin.

"You know how to find me if something isn't fine," he finally says. "If matters ever change." A beat, then he tries to lighten the mood. "Obviously, as you've come over. But my door is always open to you."

[keenly]

After a frozen moment, Colin softens, leaning down to touch his head gently to Anders’ shoulder.

[justice_is_blond]

He rests a hand just as gently on the young man's shoulder. It's entirely in Colin's hands now, though he already knows that he'll be spending a portion of this evening in prayer to a deity he doesn't think gives a care. Anything is worth a try, at this point.

"Will you need help with the move?" His voice is gentle as he seeks a topic that could bring Colin back some hope. That Colin won't be living alone is especially good, considering.