closed

[keenly]

WHO: Anders & Colin
WHAT: Processing feelings
WHEN: Kingsway
WHERE: Darktown clinic
NOTES: Will update with warnings.

One subject has been weighing on Colin's mind more than others, driving him to distraction while helping Anders at the clinic. He's not sure if Anders wants to talk about it. He's not sure if Anders knows. As tongue-tied as he is for most of the evening, he blurts it out when the clinic is empty but for the two of them.

"Did you know about Benedict?"

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

Anders has felt like there's something bothering Colin most of the evening, and has in fact shot him a couple of curious glances during their shift, but nothing's come of it. This means that when the question comes, it's only the topic that's the surprise.

"About Benedict?" he echoes. Asked like that, it can't be anything good. Anders doesn't know what's happened, though. "No. I'm... a little behind on gossip at the moment. What's going on?"

What has the mage gotten himself into is likely the more accurate question, but he'll give Benedict a tiny benefit of the doubt for once. It's not like many people do.

[keenly]

"He came back." Colin gives Anders a nervous glance. "The Venatori sent him to spy on us. Instead, he went to the Division Heads and confessed. I suppose he must have given information to the enemy. I found him in the dungeon in the Gallows."

How to explain his complex feelings about a traitor? Colin's hand trembles lightly as he goes about stripping another cot.

[justice_is_blond]

He blinks, gives that time to process, and then sets down what he's working on.

"...He confessed that he was sent to spy, and was thrown in the dungeon instead of being used for misinformation?" It shouldn't be surprising. Benedict is a mage, and the default with mages is to lock them up. But it still seems short-sighted. Anders looks at their supplies - in good shape - and back at Colin.

"How is he?"

[keenly]

"Not while they don't think they can trust him," Colin sighs. "On that, it's hard to blame them."

He tosses soiled sheets on the pile and swallows.

"He's...well. Two nights ago, he thought he'd be executed in the morning, so I...stayed up with him. I didn't want him to be alone, and he was so afraid. Then yesterday when I didn't hear about an executions, I went to check on him, and he was asleep in his cell. Spent all day like that. It's not surprising, he must have been exhausted. I went to see him today. They don't plan to execute him after all, and as much of a relief as it was, I've..."

He trails off, gaze on anything but Anders.

[justice_is_blond]

"There's this thing called observation, that is, of course, much more difficult than tossing mages in cells," he mutters. Issues with Riftwatch leadership aside, Benedict can't be in a good place. Anders remembers what it was like to expect to die.

"You've what? It's good that you've been to see him. I wonder if they'd let me in to see him as well." Nearly four years he's worked with them but it doesn't seem to change anything in anyone's minds. It's exhausting.

[keenly]

"That's the thing." Colin leans back against a table, looking troubled. "He doesn't want me to send you to him. Doesn't want anyone to visit him. He doesn't want people to see him like this. And I want to respect his wishes, and let him come round in his own time. I know what it's like to have a shame you don't want anyone seeing. But I also don't know if I can bear to be his only friend right now. And I don't know what's best for him, either."

[justice_is_blond]

He sits down on a stool, frowning.

"I understand shame as well. But being alone isn't good for him, and you being his sole friend isn't good for you. It's not... There's a time when preference should be allowed to dictate what's going on, and a time when it shouldn't. This, I think, could be the latter."

Colin knows about his time in solitary. Every Kinloch Hold mage does. But he's also very different from Benedict in that he desperately wanted visitors. Benedict feels he's made a mistake... or just feels embarrassed, one or the other. Possibly both. The young man isn't stupid. Just very self-involved.

"Have you gone as friend or healer? I could always use the excuse of healer checking in, if you haven't, and that should get me past any guards."

[keenly]

"As a friend." Colin immediately feels lighter. He gives a little smile. "Thank you. He has a lot of guilt. I thought if anyone would understand that, it would be you. Especially since...he doesn't want to be comforted about it. Which, I've never known that of him. He's always looked for the easiest way forward. Or the easiest way backward, or sideways. He never wanted to face any consequences, or make any choices."

Not even in bed. The thought makes Colin blush a little.

[justice_is_blond]

He sees the blush and tactfully chooses not to pursue it. The rest is plenty to go off of.

"So you think he's changing, that he's finally choosing to take responsibility rather than slide along as a protected rich noble?" That's huge. He'd been told, once, misguidedly, to just give up on Benedict, as if being spoiled and from another country made him not a mage worth fighting for. Anders didn't believe Benedict too lost of a cause then, and this makes him feel a little satisfaction.

"It's a difficult thing, coming to terms with what you've done and finding a way forward. If that's what he's doing then I'll be even more glad to look in on him. How long has he been imprisoned?"

[keenly]

"They haven't given him a sentence, but they only locked him up two days ago." He gives a nod and another little smile. "Remember, though, I didn't send you, you sent yourself. But I really think you can help him. I do believe he can get out of there on his own, the right way and with no shortcuts or picked locks."

His gaze drifts off. "It's this...transformative thing. Like how in the Circle, if you got backed into a corner, you found yourself capable of anything if it would get you out. It can take you to a very dark place, or a very good place, and one of those ways is easier than the other. As much as he didn't want to die, I don't...I don't want him going where I went a few months ago. Least of all when I know there's a good heart underneath it all."

[justice_is_blond]

Picking locks can be fun, but he knows what Colin means. Mostly. Sometimes when people have decided a thing they only see evidence of that thing no matter what. Benedict might be given a chance... or he might not be. It doesn't always depend on the person who may want to change.

"Frankly, I think sometimes the good place one can be brought to by the Circles was very rare. They were designed to break us down. However, if they want to use this for rehabilitation rather than something simply punitive, it could give him impetus for change. And I would like to see him far from where you were at too."

Anders reaches over and rests a hand on Colin's shoulder. "I'll go in, and he'll never know it was you who told me."

[keenly]

A gentle nod. Then his face pinches as if he might cry imminently, and he bows his head while he gets control of himself.