[open] I want to hear your voice

[altusimperius]

WHO: Benedict and you??
WHAT: back above ground and figuring it out babey
WHEN: after the prison break mission
WHERE: the Gallows
NOTES: hmu if you want a starter

I. The Gallows Courtyard

The ship has returned, they've rowed back to the Gallows, some discussions have been had, and it all goes by in a blur. Benedict finds himself standing alone in the courtyard, free for the first time in almost eight months, skinny and hollow-eyed and utterly overwhelmed by the activity around him.
He looks lost, unsure of where to go, what to do, or how to even begin.

II. The Mess Hall

If he hadn't already eaten food without magebane in it on their mission, he might have collapsed in tears the first time he did it back in the Gallows. But as it stands, even as simple as the meal is that he's consuming, Benedict is desperately happy to be doing so.
In fact, sitting alone in the crowded hall, face turned toward the sunlight-filled window, it's possibly the happiest he's ever looked to the outside eye.

III. Wildcard


for Marcoulf

The first night in, Benedict makes his timid way to the Gallows dormitory, a sack slung over his shoulder bearing a change of basic, casual clothing of a peasant that he was lent for his first stint out of the dungeon. He sets it on one of the unoccupied beds, then sits on it himself with the deep, emotional sigh of a person suddenly experiencing unimaginable comfort paired with the knowledge that it won't be immediately taken from him.

for Henry

It's early morning when Benedict arrives in the garden, disheveled from lack of sleep and wary, but carefully optimistic that what he'll find won't be worse than what he's left. The spring morning air is brisk, and he shivers from it despite the heavy cloak he wears over his simple borrowed clothing. Looking at him now, one would never guess that he's from the Magisterium.

for Colin

Word has no doubt traveled to those concerned on the mainland that Benedict is free-ish, albeit confined to the Gallows. He's pushing a wheelbarrow of gardening equipment from one location to another, hands in rough leather gloves and hair tied back in a little ponytail, when he spots Colin.
He pauses for a moment, his gaze vacant yet pointed.

Comments

[altusimperius]

Benedict is tall, but one wouldn't know it to look at him now. He curls against Colin, pressing into his embrace and returning it with the arm that isn't holding the painting to his chest.
The intensity with which he holds Colin is reminiscent of that endless first night in the dungeon, awaiting what they were certain would be his execution. No one has ever been there for him like Colin has, now more than once.

[keenly]

There is something horribly wrong. Benedict has been acting very strangely, and now he is upset in a way Colin has only seen on him once before. When trying to wait out the storm doesn't seem to be working, he peels Benedict away and takes his face in his hands, wiping away tears, calls him a name he has never called him before.

"Bene? Take a deep breath. Deep, and slow."

[altusimperius]

It's apparent from the look in Bene's eyes that he's somewhere else, dragged there by overwhelming if irrational fear. Everything about the world is new again, and there's a strangeness to coming out of a dark pit to find that nothing has really changed, people are still people, the sun still shines and it all went on without him.

"If I have to go back there," he whispers, perhaps to Colin-- he's at least looking at him, though his expression is still vacant-- "I'll die first."

[keenly]

Colin's entire body goes cold. He knows that look, has said those words. His hands begin to shake and yet, somehow, the line of his shoulders softens, his face relaxes, his voice remains calm.

"It's all right," he says. "You can tell me what happened." Though being locked up for half a year is quite enough, in his opinion, something has definitely changed in the weeks since they last saw each other.

[altusimperius]

The worst aspect of this particular trauma is that most people weren't aware of it, or were aware only enough to know that a basic change needed to be made. None of them could have known what it would do to Benedict to put him back in isolation, least of all how it would affect him to compound that with the dark, windowless cell filling slowly with water for what felt like hours before anyone noticed and changed his circumstances.

The mere thought of it almost brings him to a full panic again, and he just shakes his head, gripping Colin's arm.
"I," he stammers, and has to pause to take a breath, which he sucks in uncomfortably right when he's almost run out of air. "I can't..."

His mind is a jumble, and there's no making sense of his thoughts. If he acts too crazy and disjointed, he suspects Colin will leave, but there's also no normalcy to be found.
Perhaps the best option is to stay silent, for now.

[keenly]

Far from making him uncomfortable, Colin is acting like this is old hat for him.

"Close your mouth and breathe through your nose," he instructs. "Slowly. In through your nose, out through your mouth. You're out of there. You're safe. It's Cloudreach. It--wait."

He tugs a silk scarf from around his neck to place in Benedict's hands.

"Feel this. Think about how it feels. Think about how the herbs smell." Narrowing the world down to his own senses usually helps ground him during a panic, particularly when the things he senses would be completely out of place in the memories he's fighting off.

[altusimperius]

To his credit, Bene does as instructed. Clutching the scarf once it's handed to him, he slowly begins to calm down, focusing on the fibers in its weave and the feel of it in his hand.

A tear falls from his eye as his mind gradually fights for clarity, and he wipes at his eye with his sleeve. This isn't an unusual experience for him, but it's the first time someone has been here for it.

[keenly]

"Good." Colin offers a little smile. "Keep breathing. You're doing so well. I'm going to make you a cup of tea. I'll be back in two shakes."

He keeps his word well, not even leaving the room. Hot water is poured into a cup and a sachet of chamomile flowers is dropped in. He comes back and sets the cup nearby.

[altusimperius]

It's enough time for Benedict to slowly come back to himself, and by the time the cup is set down he's aware enough to pick it up and sniff at it. He's quiet as he does so, shoulders hunched in shame for being such a mess-- he'd apologize, but is afraid that if he opens his mouth he'll start again.
In the meantime, he just stares at the sachet.

[keenly]

"You did so well," Colin says earnestly, leaning in for a hug. "I promise those bits always pass. They're horrible, but there's things you can do for them. The important thing is to remember it'll pass."

[altusimperius]

Leaning against Colin for the embrace, Benedict's mannerisms are much less desperate now, and careful even for fear of spilling the tea.

"Have I gone mad?" he asks in a small voice, reassured by Colin's attentions, but unsure of how else to interpret such an episode.
"...that... happens a lot."

[keenly]

"You're not mad," Colin says very gently. "You've just been through something people aren't meant to go through. Those...horrors? I get those all the time as well, and I know other people who do."

[altusimperius]

Benedict nods, thinking it over. Colin knows what he's talking about, he likes to think, which means he isn't in this alone anymore.
But who's to say everyone won't be barred from him again? His fingers tighten around the painting, reminding him that it's there, and he pulls it away from his chest to look at it again.

"I've been so alone," he observes timidly, "I don't know how to... even begin."

[keenly]

"Just like this." Colin offers a wan smile. "With me and Athessa, and probably others. Are you rooming with anyone?"

[altusimperius]

The ghost of a smile comes to Benedict's face, and he nods again, running his thumbs over the picture in his hands. In the absence of the scarf, having something physical to hold and feel is helping. He never would've imagined it could.

"I'm in the barracks," he replies, "...with the day laborers. And Marcoulf." Though for all they've interacted, he might as well not be with the latter.

[keenly]

"Then you can start with them as well." It's good to see that little smile, a glimmer of the old Bene. "And take your time if you need. But remember, if you ever get the horrors again, you can talk to me. Athessa would understand as well."

He takes the scarf and fixes it around Benedict's neck with a smile.

"And you keep that."

[altusimperius]

The little doting gesture is almost too much. Bene's eyes well up again, but fortunately no tears spill over, as he just holds the scarf and smiles gratefully at Colin.
"I'd--" he begins, thinks better of it, and then decides to go forward anyway, "--I'd be lost without you."

[keenly]

"Damn right you would," Colin teases. Then it doesn't feel right. The smile fades and he tries again, more seriously. "I don't mean...I don't mean it like...I shouldn't be the only one you'd be lost without, if that makes any sense. Maker, it was almost a year ago when I needed a lot more than one person just to stay alive. But I can give advice when you need it, and friendship. I was alone for so long, dealing with this sort of thing. I don't want you or anyone else to go through that. It's a shitty little boat we're all in, and we didn't ask to be in it, but we're in it together, yeah?"

[altusimperius]

Remaining quiet while Colin speaks, Benedict just watches him and nods periodically, hanging onto his words. He's not alone, not anymore. He has to hold onto that. He has the physical evidence to prove it.

...and this time, he'll make sure it's not taken away from him and thrown into the sea.

"Thank you," he says at last, tugging the scarf a little tighter and rising to his feet. "...I should get back."

[keenly]

Colin nods. "As should I. Thanks for stopping by. It was good to see you."