faderift | [ open: all arise! ]

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[ open: all arise! ]

WHO: you. yes, you there. you're invited
WHAT: Sonia is throwing a big party, because everyone needs an excuse to get good and drunk together right now. And dancing. There is always dancing.
WHEN: Justinian, shortly after the return of the jungle crew
WHERE: The suite at the top of the mage tower
NOTES: ♫ have some party jams ♫

The month in the jungle was a long one, made longer by the total lack of any alcohol to mitigate the experience. Utterly unthinkable. Sonia is addressing a public need by throwing a grand party -- a public service, even. Besides, it's what she does. When was the last time she got to plan a party, anyway? Granted, this is not a Denerim soiree for the young nobility, but the venue doesn't matter. Only the people and the drinks, and Sonia is assuredly rich in both. It is also a fantastic excuse not to think about any of the bad things that have happened since she was last in Kirkwall.

The decoration in the residential suite at the top of the mage tower would be best classified as improvisational -- one of those drapes tacked along the wall for ambience may be a bedsheet -- but it's the spirit of the thing that counts. One makes do with what one has. In one corner are a few tables laden with spirits, some provided by Sonia, others by generous partygoers. There are a few Barra vineyard vintages in the mix, highlights of her personal collection, a testament to the celebration she considers tonight to be. There's a small selection of food nearby, mostly for snacking to go with the drinks, though guests are free to bring whatever they like to share.

And there is, of course, music. Someone here has brought a fiddle or a flute or a bunch of pots masquerading as a drum set. Maybe you've brought your very own a capella choir. Whatever the accompaniment, there's something to dance to. Sonia makes sure there is dancing.

Tonight is not for licking wounds or swapping grisly stories of terror and survival. Tonight is for feeling alive, getting properly and delightfully drunk, and having a good god damn time.

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[ Sometimes a good solid hug from a friend is what you really, really need to untangle the confusing feelings that've lodged in your chest and make it so you can breathe again, and this is definitely one of those times. Athessa exhales and gives Matthias a little squeeze, and after the arbitrary but adequate amount of time, she relinquishes her hold. ]

Thanks, Matty, [ she sniffles, laughs at herself for being such a crybaby, wipes at her face with her forearm, and sighs. ] 's been a rough year, innit?

[ Nevarra, the nightmare-sharing, that grippe outbreak, Devigny rearing his ugly head, Bastien's ex-lover getting executed in Orlais, "breaking up" with Derrica, getting stranded in the Donarks for a month, coming back to a retrofitted prison they all call home only to find someone's been stealing shit from people's rooms, Deimos fucking off...it's a wonder she hasn't fucked off herself to take a vacation. ]

[He takes his cue from her, lets go when she lets go. Aware of how bad it feels to have someone staring at you when you're trying to pull yourself together, he looks away to give her space. They're friends, so: he does sneak a look back a moment later, just to check on her. They're friends, so: he's quick to look away again, give her more time.]

There's been worse. [Very much so for him, when he thinks about it. Riftwatch, being here--no matter how badly he cocked up and got them all stranded in the jungle--that was bad. It wasn't the worst.] There's been better as well. There will be again. There's-- There's got to be.

[More confidently--at last lacking some of the thickness of him almost bursting into tears out of sympathy--] You'll be all right. And you've got loads of friends, here. We'll help you until you are. All right?

[ They're friends, so: she bites back every cynicism and doubt that she could say, and just nods. It's hard to see good things on the horizon when you're still reeling from the bad things nipping at your heels.

And it's hard to accept help when you used to be so good at taking care of yourself. How many years did she spend on her own, doing just fine? It's almost like as soon as she stopped moving, settled in this place, all the stuff she was running from caught up with her and have been tugging on threads to make her unravel. Has she always been so weak? Is it weak to depend on other people?

No. She wouldn't think that way about her clan, so why should this be any different? Athessa takes another slow breath, and this time it feels calming. ]

All right. You're right. [ A simple concession, but if she knows Matty, one that'll resound with him. Who doesn't like to hear that they're right? She pats her cheeks as if to wake herself up, though this little ritual is more to slap the memory of tears off her face. And it's a little silly, which should help get them laughing again if nothing else. Then: ] Why were you asking about love, anyway? Thinkin' about Laura?

[He smiles a little at the action--but then immediately a flush creeps into his cheeks, and his smile goes a little rueful.]

No. I dunno. Just--thinking, is all. [He leans back against the wall.] Maybe a bit.

[ How precious he is. Athessa's smile--which was mostly sad just a second ago--spreads over her features, warm and genuine and still a tiny bit sad but mostly kind. He's blushing.

Then she tips her head and nudges him gently. Go on. I spilled my guts now you spill yours. ]

[Mmmnnn, is kind of the sound Matthias makes. He pulls his knees up to his chest and puts his forehead on them for a second. Then, muffled--]

I really do like her. Aaah, I dunno. S' not as if she's the first person I've ever liked, or anything, I'm not a complete dimwit, just. It does feel different. A bit different. I think. But then maybe that's just 'cos I'm here, and all. Yeah?

Maybe, but you could say that about anything.

[ Sleeping feels different because they're here, vs anywhere else. Athessa is learning Bard tricks because she's here, rather than on the street or being a merc. ]

How does it feel different? Like, in what ways?

Well, like. Before...

[Matthias scrunches his toes in his boots, keeps his forehead pressed against his knees. It saves him from having to make eye contact.]

Before it felt--short. We knew it was all going to end. So you--did stuff, you slept with people and you kissed people and it was just, that was it, 'cause it was as like to be over the next day as not. And before that, it was, you know, the Circle, and we weren't... So this is all different. There is more that comes next. I know it's dangerous to think of it 'cause what's changed from the war, this is as like to be over as well, but it feels--less certain, like.

I think that makes it feel different for starters. Laura and I, there's space for it. Like when you're in a room with a low ceiling and then you go to the next room and it's got a massive ceiling, all the way up to the bloody sky--that's what this feels like. Like it's up there. And we can do whatever we like.

[ It's funny. Not ha-ha funny, of course, but...

Athessa exhales softly and leans back against the wall, resting her head against cool stone and closing her eyes to listen to the muffled sounds of merriment just beyond. They've changed the subject on the surface, but just underneath it's the same topic. The same thing keeping Athessa from embracing the concept of love as a boon rather than a burden, from seeking it out willingly rather than having it strike her like a snake lying in wait, is the very thing that makes Matthias believe that anything could happen. Anything is possible. He--and Laura by extension--can do anything.

It makes her feel weak to realize that where she sees fear in uncertainty and is hobbled by it, he sees: ]

Hope.

[ Such a small word for such a big feeling. And it's what she cited as one of Derrica's prime virtues--one of the reasons Athessa loves her. ]

It's like being locked in a room, long enough that you know every inch of it as instinctively as breathing. You know the walls and the ceiling and every creaky floorboard. And one day the door opens and you can either stay in your little box that's bright and familiar, or you can wield hope like a fucking torch and walk outside and see what's out there. Hope says it's something better than where you started, says there's possibilities out there.

[ Sometimes being just a person is enough. She hears herself saying it and she despises her own voice, because what difference is there between wanting just enough and deciding that staying in a locked room is better than seeking something better just beyond the door? Is she so different from that 17 year old girl who walked away from her first love, seeking something more than the hand she was dealt?

When did she become such a coward? ]

Like all you gotta do to be happy is go out and find it.

[While she's talking, Matthias turns his head so he can look at her, his cheek pressed against his knees. He is still drunk, still high, so he can easily get lost in what she's saying, but all the while feel bright with it.

She's right. She's absolutely right. Hope, like a candle that becomes a torch, like what's outside a room, possibilities that you can't even conceive. His eyes--already bright--get brighter, and no sooner has she finished does he rush in with--]

Yes, [and it's practically breathless,] yeah. Exactly.

[He snakes his arms around his legs so he can pull them in close, trying to hold in this feeling lest he explode.]

That's what it feels like. And some of that has got to be Laura. I think 'cause she's different, everyone I knew before, they were like me, a bit, and she's not, she's different.

I think we could be something. You know? I dunno what, exactly, but I think I'd like it. Right now it's enough that I just get to spend time with her, and be with her, and, all of it, but we could be something. No matter what comes next. I don't know what comes next, no one does, but I reckon that means I ought not to dick about and wait for-- well, not, dick, like that, erm, I mean, wait about, that sort of-- Well, yeah. That's what I mean. With Laura. Not that I want to rush off to some chantry and say vows, or anything, just that... that.

[And then, abruptly:] Hope is sort of awful, isn't it. I know I shouldn't. I could end up dead tomorrow. Tonight, even. The world's shit. But I don't want to. I want to have it. Hope, and Laura, and--friends, and, and all of it. I wonder if that's not why I'm still here at all. But that's not fair to the people what died, s'not as if they were hopeless, or anything. I dunno. I can't work it out.

[ She laughs for the duration of his non-explanation for what he does and doesn't mean by dick, and it's a welcome chunk of genuine amusement in the midst of self-loathing. Or is it envy? Maybe it's both.

Athessa opens her eyes and lets her gaze drift aimlessly over the ceiling. ]

I think you've worked it out better than most, actually. Better'n me, by far. Any of us could end up dead tomorrow, so fuck shoulds and shouldn'ts. There shouldn't be a war on but there is. Shouldn't be a locked door between us and what's possible. I reckon if you and Laura can be happy, then that justifies trying for it.

[ She tucks her feet in to sit cross-legged, dropping her elbows onto her knees and idly tracing the lines on her palm with her fingers. ]

End of the day, that's what we're fighting for.

Yeah.

[Satisfied, Matthias settles his chin onto his knees instead and looks out across the corridor at the wall opposite. There's a pleasant warmth in him now, the noise of the party a distant wash.

After a moment, he adds, with rue self-deprecation:]

'Course, now I have to work out what that means. Happiness. Can't just walk up to Laura and say, oi, let's be happy.

No? You don't think so?

[ What would that even yield? A weird look and probably the question: "How?"

Athessa finds the joint again and breathes in the smoke, feeling it prickle in her throat and burn pleasantly in her chest. It's a warm feeling, familiar and comfortable, which is what she'll need before heading back into the fete. ]

[He snorts.]

No, I don't think so. Like come off it. What would you say, if someone walked up to you and said that.

I'd say, how? and expect you to have some ideas.

Well--yeah. Only I haven't got ideas. I'm...

[Well. He pushes his face down into his knees again, then resurfaces with a stupid grin.]

An idiot. Sorry. This is stupid, innit. Maker's balls. What're we even talking about anymore. I'll shut up, all right? I'll-- work it out. Somehow. And shut up.

[ His grin might be stupid but she's particularly weak to Stupid Type Pokemon, so it's super effective. She grins back, almost considering him for a moment too long and betraying the nothing but endeared and maybe a little inspired thoughts she's thinking.

Not like a eureka style inspiration, but the begrudging inspiration that makes you work on yourself. A slap in the face with her own faults and the beginning of an idea that she might learn to accept. ]

What if shutting up stops you from working it out? [ Ever think about that? ]

Maybe you should ask Laura what would make her happy and go from there.

[Oh.

Having briefly fixated on sussing out what that expression on Athessa's face might mean, Matthias very suddenly changes course as realization dawns on him. Talking is, at last, the answer. He needs to talk at Laura. No--to Laura. Of course. It will also be very difficult but if he starts talking and does not stop, he will eventually get to what he wants to say, so--]

Yeah. Hey, yeah. [Inspired, he scoots away from the wall and starts trying to climb to his feet, wine and ale and weed all conspiring to keep him clumsy and on the floor.] I can do that! Thanks, Tessa, that's-- ow-- [as he twists his knee a little; he slaps a hand against the wall to give him better leverage as he untwists--] --brilliant, thanks. I'll do that. Right now.

[ The momentary amusement at watching him stumble upwards to standing freezes on her face when he calls her Tessa. It's only half a heartbeat's hitch before she smiles wider, nodding. ]

Good luck, then. [ Maybe it's time to recontextualize her old nickname, eh? She doesn't mind it as much when someone like Matty uses it. It feels like acceptance, rather than being reduced. ] Remember to breathe between sentences.

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