[ OPEN ] Skullduggery

[skulltasm]

WHO: Skull and YOU
WHAT: catch-all
WHEN: Now (post-Abomination thru modplot)
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES:

[ wildcard me or hmu for a closed shitpost starter ]

Comments

edgard.

[skulltasm]

[ of all the places for skull to be, a high shelf is...well...a high point of his existence. though he prefers a window, of course. who wouldn't prefer a window to the antiscenic views of stone, stone, more stone, another jar, more stone, a cobweb, a walking mud pile, a spider—

hang on. ]

EITHER I'M FINALLY GOING MAD, OR THAT'S EDDY! OI! EDDY! YOO-HOO, UP HERE, YOU CLOD!

Re: edgard.

[muckspout]

[Edgard finds himself in a room he didn’t recognize (easy to happen when you don’t know your way around). He sees a shelf full of weird pickled objects he can’t identify and squats down to look at them when a distantly familiar voice screams at him.

Ears ringing, he looks up and into the not eyes of Skull]

YOU! Where did you come from? Where did you go? It’s been years!

[a pause in which Edgard stands up to get a look at Skull, smiling wide]

How are you?

[skulltasm]

[ something something cotton-eyed joe ]

IT HAS BEEN YEARS, AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED HOW TO BATHE!

[ the jar is the same, if cleaner now that people are constantly handling it. and the skull is the same chattering nuisance with clickety clacking bones inside a viscous liquid the color of lime jello. ]

ME? OH, I'M PEACHY. SAME AS ALWAYS. TAKES MORE THAN A STINT ON A QUNARI DREADNOUGHT TO FLUSTER ME!

[muckspout]

[Edgard holds his head, he’d forgotten just how loud that voice was. He hisses in sympathy.]

Qunari dreadnought, huh?

[points to the other jars on the shelf]

Any of them talk too? Are they your friends?

[skulltasm]

[ he was a paperweight on the dreadnought, too ]

THEY'RE PICKLES, EDDY.

[muckspout]

[Edgard does a double take.]

They’re for eating?? All of them? Even— [He pulls out a very dusty jar with brownish-black liquid of which the contents are mysterious. Maybe it’s a very old pickle, maybe it’s a finger, maybe something worse.] —this one?

[skulltasm]

WELL I NEVER SAID THAT.

[ he swivels, looking at the jar next to him. that one might actually be edible, but who knows? ]

A PICKLE ISN'T ALWAYS FOOD, EDDY.

[muckspout]

[A long pause in which Edgard considers this information. He says the next phrase almost at a whisper.]

Are you a pickle?

[skulltasm]

IT'S POSSIBLE, I SUPPOSE.

[ he swivels back to face edgard, somehow looking dubious even without a facial expression. ]

DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, EDDY. I DON'T WANT THAT MOUTH OF YOURS ANYWHERE NEAR MY GLASS!

benedict.

[skulltasm]

[ Skull hasn't had much luck training Byerly's dog. Granted, it's not like he can feed her treats or pet her or throw a stick for her, so most of their interactions is just making dog noises to get her to trundle over to his jar, then regretting that decision when the puppy either tries to play with her own reflection or licks the glass. ]

YES, YES, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH. WHERE IS RUTYER? SOMEONE GET THIS HOUND AWAY FROM MEEEE!

[muckspout]

[Genuinely]

I wouldn't eat you. I can't imagine you'd be very delicious anyway. Do you live here? Or did you just... [looks around for some indication as to how he might have gotten in this room] ...drop in?

[skulltasm]

[ Well. Live is a bit of a stretch. ]

I DON'T LIVE ON THIS SHELF IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN. DON'T YOU KNOW, I'M THE HEAD OF DIPLOMACY HERE!

[ If he had a chest, it'd be puffed. ]

THE UNDERLINGS LIKE TO MISPLACE ME AS A JAPE, A LAUGH, A SILLY DIVERSION FROM THEIR DREARY, HUM-DRUM LIVES. WHY ARE YOU HERE?

[muckspout]

[Edgard hasn't met any Head of Diplomacy, but is doubtful of that claim.]

Well, you are a head, but I think diplomatic may be a strong word for you.

[Hesitant]

As for me....some people died--friends. I came here to do something about it, but [shrugging] mostly I've been wandering around.

[skulltasm]

[ Scoff. How dare you, ser. ]

TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? LIKE WHAT?

[muckspout]

[Immediate regret.]

Stop it from happening again, I guess? [To help? To not be utterly useless? Edgard brushes it off.] What are you usually up to here, anyway? Do they just come get you when they need some, eh [skeptically] diplomacy?

[skulltasm]

I GET AROUND. SOMETIMES I TRANSLATE DOCUMENTS FOR MISS POPPELL. MOSTLY I AM THE VICTIM OF CRUEL WHIMS, BEING LEFT IN THE ROOKERY OR THE LOO, OR USED AS A PAPERWEIGHT.

[ Or buried under papers in the Seneschal's office. ]

ONCE I WAS USED TO BLUDGEON A RED TEMPLAR TO DEATH.

[muckspout]

[Edgard raises his eyebrows, impressed.]

A red Templar! You are an excellent weapon as I recall.

[Edgard leans in, voice lowering.]

What can you tell me about the people here? Any advice?

[Maybe asking Skull’s opinion is not his best option, but Edgard’s options are limited.]

[skulltasm]

[ Skull tips in his jar, a silly conspiratorial lean even if he's hardly subtle. ]

THE PEOPLE HERE ARE ALL FOOLS, EDDY. YOU'LL FIT IN WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

[muckspout]

[Edgard narrows his eyes.]

I'm not a--

[Edgard leans his head to the side thinking and shrugs]

I'm less foolish than I was.

[skulltasm]

REALLY? THEN WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[muckspout]

[a little irritated]
It was better than the alternatives! You're hanging out with fools, too!

[skulltasm]

[ Skull stares a weighty stare at Edgard, waiting for him to realize the obvious. ]

[skulltasm]

[ Go on. Think about it. He'll wait. ]

[muckspout]

[The anvil falls and realize it, he does. Edgard rears back from Skull, snarling.]

Va te faire foutre!

[skulltasm]

[ He cackles gleefully. Not a fool indeed! ]

[muckspout]

[Edgard continues to glare in silence]