[ OPEN ] Skullduggery

[skulltasm]

WHO: Skull and YOU
WHAT: catch-all
WHEN: Now (post-Abomination thru modplot)
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES:

[ wildcard me or hmu for a closed shitpost starter ]

Comments

edgard.

[skulltasm]

[ of all the places for skull to be, a high shelf is...well...a high point of his existence. though he prefers a window, of course. who wouldn't prefer a window to the antiscenic views of stone, stone, more stone, another jar, more stone, a cobweb, a walking mud pile, a spider—

hang on. ]

EITHER I'M FINALLY GOING MAD, OR THAT'S EDDY! OI! EDDY! YOO-HOO, UP HERE, YOU CLOD!

Re: edgard.

[muckspout]

[Edgard finds himself in a room he didn’t recognize (easy to happen when you don’t know your way around). He sees a shelf full of weird pickled objects he can’t identify and squats down to look at them when a distantly familiar voice screams at him.

Ears ringing, he looks up and into the not eyes of Skull]

YOU! Where did you come from? Where did you go? It’s been years!

[a pause in which Edgard stands up to get a look at Skull, smiling wide]

How are you?

[skulltasm]

[ something something cotton-eyed joe ]

IT HAS BEEN YEARS, AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED HOW TO BATHE!

[ the jar is the same, if cleaner now that people are constantly handling it. and the skull is the same chattering nuisance with clickety clacking bones inside a viscous liquid the color of lime jello. ]

ME? OH, I'M PEACHY. SAME AS ALWAYS. TAKES MORE THAN A STINT ON A QUNARI DREADNOUGHT TO FLUSTER ME!

[muckspout]

[Edgard holds his head, he’d forgotten just how loud that voice was. He hisses in sympathy.]

Qunari dreadnought, huh?

[points to the other jars on the shelf]

Any of them talk too? Are they your friends?

[skulltasm]

[ he was a paperweight on the dreadnought, too ]

THEY'RE PICKLES, EDDY.

[muckspout]

[Edgard does a double take.]

They’re for eating?? All of them? Even— [He pulls out a very dusty jar with brownish-black liquid of which the contents are mysterious. Maybe it’s a very old pickle, maybe it’s a finger, maybe something worse.] —this one?

[skulltasm]

WELL I NEVER SAID THAT.

[ he swivels, looking at the jar next to him. that one might actually be edible, but who knows? ]

A PICKLE ISN'T ALWAYS FOOD, EDDY.

[muckspout]

[A long pause in which Edgard considers this information. He says the next phrase almost at a whisper.]

Are you a pickle?

[skulltasm]

IT'S POSSIBLE, I SUPPOSE.

[ he swivels back to face edgard, somehow looking dubious even without a facial expression. ]

DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, EDDY. I DON'T WANT THAT MOUTH OF YOURS ANYWHERE NEAR MY GLASS!

[muckspout]

[Genuinely]

I wouldn't eat you. I can't imagine you'd be very delicious anyway. Do you live here? Or did you just... [looks around for some indication as to how he might have gotten in this room] ...drop in?

[skulltasm]

[ Well. Live is a bit of a stretch. ]

I DON'T LIVE ON THIS SHELF IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN. DON'T YOU KNOW, I'M THE HEAD OF DIPLOMACY HERE!

[ If he had a chest, it'd be puffed. ]

THE UNDERLINGS LIKE TO MISPLACE ME AS A JAPE, A LAUGH, A SILLY DIVERSION FROM THEIR DREARY, HUM-DRUM LIVES. WHY ARE YOU HERE?

[muckspout]

[Edgard hasn't met any Head of Diplomacy, but is doubtful of that claim.]

Well, you are a head, but I think diplomatic may be a strong word for you.

[Hesitant]

As for me....some people died--friends. I came here to do something about it, but [shrugging] mostly I've been wandering around.

[skulltasm]

[ Scoff. How dare you, ser. ]

TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? LIKE WHAT?

[muckspout]

[Immediate regret.]

Stop it from happening again, I guess? [To help? To not be utterly useless? Edgard brushes it off.] What are you usually up to here, anyway? Do they just come get you when they need some, eh [skeptically] diplomacy?

[skulltasm]

I GET AROUND. SOMETIMES I TRANSLATE DOCUMENTS FOR MISS POPPELL. MOSTLY I AM THE VICTIM OF CRUEL WHIMS, BEING LEFT IN THE ROOKERY OR THE LOO, OR USED AS A PAPERWEIGHT.

[ Or buried under papers in the Seneschal's office. ]

ONCE I WAS USED TO BLUDGEON A RED TEMPLAR TO DEATH.

[muckspout]

[Edgard raises his eyebrows, impressed.]

A red Templar! You are an excellent weapon as I recall.

[Edgard leans in, voice lowering.]

What can you tell me about the people here? Any advice?

[Maybe asking Skull’s opinion is not his best option, but Edgard’s options are limited.]

[skulltasm]

[ Skull tips in his jar, a silly conspiratorial lean even if he's hardly subtle. ]

THE PEOPLE HERE ARE ALL FOOLS, EDDY. YOU'LL FIT IN WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

[muckspout]

[Edgard narrows his eyes.]

I'm not a--

[Edgard leans his head to the side thinking and shrugs]

I'm less foolish than I was.

[skulltasm]

REALLY? THEN WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[muckspout]

[a little irritated]
It was better than the alternatives! You're hanging out with fools, too!

[skulltasm]

[ Skull stares a weighty stare at Edgard, waiting for him to realize the obvious. ]

[skulltasm]

[ Go on. Think about it. He'll wait. ]

[muckspout]

[The anvil falls and realize it, he does. Edgard rears back from Skull, snarling.]

Va te faire foutre!

[skulltasm]

[ He cackles gleefully. Not a fool indeed! ]

[muckspout]

[Edgard continues to glare in silence]