Both hands leveled to wedge the line of nuts he’s organized into a pile, Silas crooks a smile to himself at that laugh. Still a little reserved, as snakes in the grass are wont to be, but in improved spirits.
“I’m certain you’re well on your way.”
A pretty face does help there, he salts in with a look.
“In spite of your determination to foil my efforts.” He’s already made some headway on his ale, and makes more now, drinking deep now that the hard part of their being here seems past. And, so as not to rule out further discussion: “Thedas is an unforgiving world.”
The truth comes out at last, and it merits an amused sound somewhere into his next drink of the ale.
"Maybe next time," he promises, one of those easy assurances from the assumption that there won't be one. Or at least that he's not stressed about the possibility. And he doesn't linger on that, particularly with the next thing that's said.
There's a lot that comes to mind, actually, at the thought: not least of which include Derrica's retelling of the Annulment at Dairsmuid and the atrocities that the recent hostilities bred, resurfaced fears from dream treachery-adjacent events. But his thoughts trip over not something he knows, but something he doesn't.
"I don't think I ever asked you what the place you come from is like. How much of an adjustment it's been for you."
“Tassia,” he supplies, around a nut he’s partway through thumbing in behind his teeth.
Ronch ronch ronch, a swallow, a run of his tongue, and another sip all feel a little like delay of game while he considers the rest of his answer. There’s nothing slimy or shirking or deceptive to him taking his time, surely.
It’s just a lot to summarize.
“It’s more peaceful, at the surface. And more diverse,” he says, finally. The next nut he’s selected as a papery husk, which he is determined to peel away. “Humans are still the majority. Our world is also spiraling around a fast approaching apocalypse.”
Maybe he shouldn't have expected a man who introduced himself as Richard Dickerson, normal human, to be particularly eager to be forthcoming. But he can be patient; listen at whatever pace Silas wants to go, with whatever he's ready to tell. God knows Jim can count on one hand the number of people he's even alluded to the protomolecule about, even fewer every near-system ending crisis he's ever seen.
He drinks instead of snacking, himself, saying first "I've never understood that. Humans being the majority in a lot of people's worlds."
Area human man thinks that sucks, actually. And then,
"Seriously? You got pulled from one impending apocalypse to another?"
The rake and rustle of Silas’ blunt nails flaking bits of nut paper to the table pauses long enough for him to give Holden a measuring look across the table. He doesn’t understand it either. But it doesn’t take him more than a beat to remind himself of Holden’s scruffy face and the good-natured, world-weary weight about him to be certain of his initial diagnosis.
This is a human.
It’s an assessment Jim can see him making in real time. Then it’s back to snacking.
“We have the advantage of our gods not having fully forsaken us as they have here.” Never overloud, he is still sensible enough to lower his voice an extra notch or two before saying so, what with the muted green glow in his palm currently peppered with bits of black husk. “There are indications in historical texts that the attempted destruction is cyclical and so part of the natural order of our plane.”
The fact of humanity originating from the Sol system, now streaming onto the thousands of habitable planets the Ring gates have opened to them, is that it's impossible for any of them to hide the truth of their childhood. Gravity determines the shape of their bodies, delineating whether or not a person was born down a well, whether they grew up in a dome or under a blue sky.
All this to say: he's both unperturbed and fairly used to looks like the one Silas gives him now, save that the assessment usually concludes, Earther. In the meantime, he agrees to another round at the innkeeper's suggestion, brought and left at the table before Silas starts in on his answer.
And that's something he turns over in his mind, the idea of present gods. Existing gods. It's not a concept he would've been ready to believe when he'd first arrived in Thedas. Now, he thinks back to Silas calling himself a cleric, and what that might have meant for him.
"Attempted destruction," he repeats, also more softly. "So it's been stopped before?"
“It’s difficult to say. The integrity of divisive written history has a way of deteriorating over millennia, particularly with interested parties motivated to destroy or alter available texts.” He nods his approval to the addition of a fresh round. “In accordance with legend, the last party who intervened was destroyed in the process, and we’ve seen evidence of truth in that -- echoes of their spirits left behind in artifacts.”
Ghosts.
“Our primary opposition has suggested we’re disrupting a natural process. But they wear masks. And they don’t have faces beneath them.”
He arches a brow down at his old tankard before he polishes it off.
The pun drives his arched brow down into a furrow, disapproval blackened to his core for a brief but distinct silence. It only ends when he pushes the old tankard away to trade it for the new.
“The certainty of terminus via failure or success makes decisions easier to make, in a way. Here, there’s always the possibility that we might languish on for a while if we’re cautious, clinging to some pathetic semblance of freedom in hiding or filed away into prisons.”
It occurs to him after a moment that he did not bring Holden here to whinge about the world state. He nudges his pile of nuts closer with the back of his hand and shifts the bowl out of the way, granting Jimothy access to the good stuff he’s portioned out for himself. Here.
Success or oblivion sounds pretty fucking bleak, but it's not like he can't follow that logic. Much as he doesn't particularly love that allusion to the dream future, which — is also pretty fucking bleak.
(Good thing they're having this conversation over drinks x2)
But he does accept the peace offering(??) of The Good Nuts, taking a small handful to crunch on, himself. His answer comes at a delay, equal parts chewing and measuring out an answer.
"He sees like a good guy," is agreed, from what he knows of, has seen of, Loxley. And because he can't not respond to the comparison, "You aren't so bad, either, you know."
“I know.” There’s a bittersweet crimp at the corner of his mouth.
It’s unfortunate -- common decency is a real drain on his productivity and well-being. But if he was truly terrible, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. And he definitely wouldn’t be sharing his snacks.
Two drink Silas cannot pretend to find any charm in it more complex than the kind of affection one might show for a dog with a bag on its head. Still. It speaks to his affinity for this glum human man that he didn’t stop short at irritation.
He drinks. They drink. There are baked nuts to crunch. A moment or two passes in relative silence, the buzzing murmur of other conversations being had. Nothing loud, or rowdy. It’s still early in the evening.
“I wasn’t being entirely facetious about embedding yourself with the locals,” he says, “Rifters return at times only to vanish again without rhyme or reason. You should prepare yourself for that eventuality.”
It's not that he happens to take a pull of ale at the moment Silas goes on to fortify himself for the continuation of this conversation. But he doesn't not do that.
"I know," he says, as he sets it down, drops his hands. Somewhere between accepting and resigned. He'd known, but hadn't been prepared. He'd do well to be.
Amos is a blow that's struck bone. He could say something about how long it's been since he's been anywhere without the crew, about the old fears realized about being the last from the Rocinante here. But if that were the only wound, he'd be bearing up better. That wasn't why he acted the way he did, the last time they saw each other.
When he sets his forearms to rest at the table's edge, there's a small flash of silver; something pulled from a pocket, idly turned over in his hands as he says, soft,
"I said something to you once about two ships and a station being destroyed around the time Naomi and I got to know each other. The first was crewed by more than 50 people. I knew them all by name. The second was manned by a few hundred. All of them died, including one of my people, getting us to safety. My crew and I are the only survivors of those ships. As for the station, there were 100,000 people just living their lives that day, and I was there when they all died in agony."
That isn't even the end of it. There are people who still blame him for the thousands of deaths in the slow zone, and he doesn't disagree.
"I haven't looked up the numbers yet for Tantervale."
There’s a furrow to his brow -- recalculation to account for the filling in of gaps with hard numbers, lives lost. Some deliberate sobering is required of him accordingly, shadows pulled in sharper around the bones of his face, a longer breath drawn in and held a moment to flush fog from the crevices of his brain upon exhale.
“Would you do anything differently?”
He does not specify which calamity he’s referring to. What he does do is add (after a blink that’s a little too slow not to read as preemptive weariness for some highly improbable one in a million odds solution where Captain Holden might have somehow cut a deal with a demon to put himself through a ritual woodchipper in exchange for all of those lives saved):
His hands contract around the metal object he's holding; the points dig into his palm, his fingers. He lets it.
Would he do anything differently?
Not log the fucking distress signal, maybe. Allow the Canterbury to continue on her way to Ceres, and then back to Saturn for ice, and never get blown to stardust by the Anubis. Except maybe Ade, or someone else, would've logged it even if he hadn't. Maybe they would've run into it again, and someone else would've done it. Maybe Protogen would never have let them make it to Ceres, as intent as they were on their war. Maybe, then the Cant would've died anyway, him and Naomi and Alex and Amos still aboard it, and Eros still would've
who fucking knows what Eros would or wouldn't have done, if the protomolecule were still unleashed there. Someone finding Julie Mao's body was only a matter of time. Would Dr. Mesplede, dead by his hand, still have gone there, potentially spread the protomolecule across the Belt, back on Earth?
Stars are better off without us, is a memory. Another ghost in his wake.
"I don't know," he admits. There was a time when he would've thought of the farm, at a question like this. Today it's barely a flicker. "Yes. It doesn't change anything now."
He loosens his hold on the badge, goes back to turning it between his fingers.
And so affects every relationship and decision made going forward.
Not that Holden is asking for an assessment. Silas catches himself there, and -- lacking for any more effective or intelligent transition into less invasive territory -- picks up his tankard to take a long drink. Hm.
There's a flash of anger, because of course there is — bright in the look he cuts to Silas, in the tensed lines of his shoulders, hands. There are a half dozen accusations he could make,
and
doesn't, because that wouldn't be fair. Because lashing out has never made anything better; he's tried. All he got for it was a series of regrets and even more blood on his hands. Just the same: no, he wasn't asking for an assessment.
"I'll try to take it better," he says, presently, tightly, "the next time someplace burns down around me."
The anger is enough -- the look in Holden’s eyes fielded head on and filed away with a flicker of uneasy relief once it’s never quite manifested into an attack. He’s abandoned or forgotten about the snacks that remain, bony knuckles bleached white around the handle of his tankard.
Well.
He’s said what he’s said.
“Unless that was your dragon in the sky, at the very least you owe it to yourself to diminish the amount of personal responsibility you seem to be taking for the razing of Tantervale.”
There’s a matching brace to his shoulders, tension bit in at the scruff of his neck to keep him on target in spite of burrowing instinct to slide quickly from the table.
“If Tevinter’s military keeps pushing, Tantervale was just the start.”
You owe it to yourself is such a strange thing to say to James Holden.
From his earliest memories, he's always had some notion of what he owed his family, the land they called theirs. When he didn't have that, he was adrift; and then with the Rocinante he owed it to his people to keep them alive as they were catapulted from disaster to disaster. When he took the captaincy, he owed it to them to act in their best interest, to protect their ship and their way of life. He'd respected the man in front of him after the dreams, even given the treason and the ways it'd specifically hurt him, because of his convictions of what they owed the natives here.
"Why do you care?"
The words might sound more like a barb if his tone did, but there's honest curiosity. Why are they having this conversation, about the relative flaws of how Jim's been handling loss and war, about whether or not Silas has his trust or respect? I just don’t want to be dismissed only stretches so far. We’re soldiers, too.
“Because I like you.” Obviously. He doesn’t have to give much thought to the answer, for all that there’s a hint of grudging resistance to the pinch at his brow, a pull at his frown. As if it’s against his better judgment.
“And you’re a disaster.”
To be fair, what human isn’t?
The flint in his glare is all defensive bristle, pushing back against pushback, holding his ground. The pause between one turn and the next is brief, hedging while he flexes the ache out of his grip on the tankard.
“Rightfully so," from the sound of it, "but I worry.”
That answer isn't completely unexpected, but it is enough so to leave him momentarily wrong-footed. If he'd had to compile a list prior to this conversation of who in Riftwatch he thought worried about him, Dick Dickerson wouldn't have even ranked. No wonder it was so easy to hurt feelings he hadn't known existed.
(Disaster should probably offend, but he's either too surprised or too self-aware to protest that.)
There's a twist to his mouth, self-directed mockery, as he admits, "I hadn't realized."
He revokes their shared ownership of the Good Nuts, sweeping the mismatched few that remain back into a pile between his hands. There he can focus his full attention down on crunching and grinding his way through them to occupy himself while Holden comes to terms with this new reality.
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no subject
“I’m certain you’re well on your way.”
A pretty face does help there, he salts in with a look.
“In spite of your determination to foil my efforts.” He’s already made some headway on his ale, and makes more now, drinking deep now that the hard part of their being here seems past. And, so as not to rule out further discussion: “Thedas is an unforgiving world.”
no subject
"Maybe next time," he promises, one of those easy assurances from the assumption that there won't be one. Or at least that he's not stressed about the possibility. And he doesn't linger on that, particularly with the next thing that's said.
There's a lot that comes to mind, actually, at the thought: not least of which include Derrica's retelling of the Annulment at Dairsmuid and the atrocities that the recent hostilities bred, resurfaced fears from dream treachery-adjacent events. But his thoughts trip over not something he knows, but something he doesn't.
"I don't think I ever asked you what the place you come from is like. How much of an adjustment it's been for you."
no subject
Ronch ronch ronch, a swallow, a run of his tongue, and another sip all feel a little like delay of game while he considers the rest of his answer. There’s nothing slimy or shirking or deceptive to him taking his time, surely.
It’s just a lot to summarize.
“It’s more peaceful, at the surface. And more diverse,” he says, finally. The next nut he’s selected as a papery husk, which he is determined to peel away. “Humans are still the majority. Our world is also spiraling around a fast approaching apocalypse.”
no subject
Maybe he shouldn't have expected a man who introduced himself as Richard Dickerson, normal human, to be particularly eager to be forthcoming. But he can be patient; listen at whatever pace Silas wants to go, with whatever he's ready to tell. God knows Jim can count on one hand the number of people he's even alluded to the protomolecule about, even fewer every near-system ending crisis he's ever seen.
He drinks instead of snacking, himself, saying first "I've never understood that. Humans being the majority in a lot of people's worlds."
Area human man thinks that sucks, actually. And then,
"Seriously? You got pulled from one impending apocalypse to another?"
Yikes!
no subject
This is a human.
It’s an assessment Jim can see him making in real time. Then it’s back to snacking.
“We have the advantage of our gods not having fully forsaken us as they have here.” Never overloud, he is still sensible enough to lower his voice an extra notch or two before saying so, what with the muted green glow in his palm currently peppered with bits of black husk. “There are indications in historical texts that the attempted destruction is cyclical and so part of the natural order of our plane.”
no subject
All this to say: he's both unperturbed and fairly used to looks like the one Silas gives him now, save that the assessment usually concludes, Earther. In the meantime, he agrees to another round at the innkeeper's suggestion, brought and left at the table before Silas starts in on his answer.
And that's something he turns over in his mind, the idea of present gods. Existing gods. It's not a concept he would've been ready to believe when he'd first arrived in Thedas. Now, he thinks back to Silas calling himself a cleric, and what that might have meant for him.
"Attempted destruction," he repeats, also more softly. "So it's been stopped before?"
no subject
Ghosts.
“Our primary opposition has suggested we’re disrupting a natural process. But they wear masks. And they don’t have faces beneath them.”
He arches a brow down at his old tankard before he polishes it off.
Even for a snake, there are red flags.
no subject
"I'm trying to decide if that makes them more or less prepared for a face-off."
Badum-tish. But he goes on, more seriously,
"And that's how you know Loxley? Trying to save your world?"
Loxley with whom, admittedly, he's only passingly familiar.
no subject
“Yes,” he says. “That is how I know Loxley.”
no subject
"I'm sorry. That sounds pretty frightening to deal with."
Mostly — he isn't so buzzed that he isn't concerned about making Silas feel dismissed again.
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Silas drinks.
“The certainty of terminus via failure or success makes decisions easier to make, in a way. Here, there’s always the possibility that we might languish on for a while if we’re cautious, clinging to some pathetic semblance of freedom in hiding or filed away into prisons.”
It occurs to him after a moment that he did not bring Holden here to whinge about the world state. He nudges his pile of nuts closer with the back of his hand and shifts the bowl out of the way, granting Jimothy access to the good stuff he’s portioned out for himself. Here.
“Loxley is better-natured than I am.”
no subject
(Good thing they're having this conversation over drinks x2)
But he does accept the peace offering(??) of The Good Nuts, taking a small handful to crunch on, himself. His answer comes at a delay, equal parts chewing and measuring out an answer.
"He sees like a good guy," is agreed, from what he knows of, has seen of, Loxley. And because he can't not respond to the comparison, "You aren't so bad, either, you know."
no subject
It’s unfortunate -- common decency is a real drain on his productivity and well-being. But if he was truly terrible, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. And he definitely wouldn’t be sharing his snacks.
“I didn’t know you liked puns.”
no subject
Though he does pause in picking up his tankard to add,
"The alcohol doesn't help."
Two Drink Jim likes puns, apparently.
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Two drink Silas cannot pretend to find any charm in it more complex than the kind of affection one might show for a dog with a bag on its head. Still. It speaks to his affinity for this glum human man that he didn’t stop short at irritation.
He drinks. They drink. There are baked nuts to crunch. A moment or two passes in relative silence, the buzzing murmur of other conversations being had. Nothing loud, or rowdy. It’s still early in the evening.
“I wasn’t being entirely facetious about embedding yourself with the locals,” he says, “Rifters return at times only to vanish again without rhyme or reason. You should prepare yourself for that eventuality.”
no subject
"I know," he says, as he sets it down, drops his hands. Somewhere between accepting and resigned. He'd known, but hadn't been prepared. He'd do well to be.
Amos is a blow that's struck bone. He could say something about how long it's been since he's been anywhere without the crew, about the old fears realized about being the last from the Rocinante here. But if that were the only wound, he'd be bearing up better. That wasn't why he acted the way he did, the last time they saw each other.
When he sets his forearms to rest at the table's edge, there's a small flash of silver; something pulled from a pocket, idly turned over in his hands as he says, soft,
"I said something to you once about two ships and a station being destroyed around the time Naomi and I got to know each other. The first was crewed by more than 50 people. I knew them all by name. The second was manned by a few hundred. All of them died, including one of my people, getting us to safety. My crew and I are the only survivors of those ships. As for the station, there were 100,000 people just living their lives that day, and I was there when they all died in agony."
That isn't even the end of it. There are people who still blame him for the thousands of deaths in the slow zone, and he doesn't disagree.
"I haven't looked up the numbers yet for Tantervale."
Like a coward, his tone indicates.
no subject
There’s a furrow to his brow -- recalculation to account for the filling in of gaps with hard numbers, lives lost. Some deliberate sobering is required of him accordingly, shadows pulled in sharper around the bones of his face, a longer breath drawn in and held a moment to flush fog from the crevices of his brain upon exhale.
“Would you do anything differently?”
He does not specify which calamity he’s referring to. What he does do is add (after a blink that’s a little too slow not to read as preemptive weariness for some highly improbable one in a million odds solution where Captain Holden might have somehow cut a deal with a demon to put himself through a ritual woodchipper in exchange for all of those lives saved):
“Within the bounds of practical reality.”
no subject
Would he do anything differently?
Not log the fucking distress signal, maybe. Allow the Canterbury to continue on her way to Ceres, and then back to Saturn for ice, and never get blown to stardust by the Anubis. Except maybe Ade, or someone else, would've logged it even if he hadn't. Maybe they would've run into it again, and someone else would've done it. Maybe Protogen would never have let them make it to Ceres, as intent as they were on their war. Maybe, then the Cant would've died anyway, him and Naomi and Alex and Amos still aboard it, and Eros still would've
who fucking knows what Eros would or wouldn't have done, if the protomolecule were still unleashed there. Someone finding Julie Mao's body was only a matter of time. Would Dr. Mesplede, dead by his hand, still have gone there, potentially spread the protomolecule across the Belt, back on Earth?
Stars are better off without us, is a memory. Another ghost in his wake.
"I don't know," he admits. There was a time when he would've thought of the farm, at a question like this. Today it's barely a flicker. "Yes. It doesn't change anything now."
He loosens his hold on the badge, goes back to turning it between his fingers.
no subject
And so affects every relationship and decision made going forward.
Not that Holden is asking for an assessment. Silas catches himself there, and -- lacking for any more effective or intelligent transition into less invasive territory -- picks up his tankard to take a long drink. Hm.
no subject
and
doesn't, because that wouldn't be fair. Because lashing out has never made anything better; he's tried. All he got for it was a series of regrets and even more blood on his hands. Just the same: no, he wasn't asking for an assessment.
"I'll try to take it better," he says, presently, tightly, "the next time someplace burns down around me."
no subject
Well.
He’s said what he’s said.
“Unless that was your dragon in the sky, at the very least you owe it to yourself to diminish the amount of personal responsibility you seem to be taking for the razing of Tantervale.”
There’s a matching brace to his shoulders, tension bit in at the scruff of his neck to keep him on target in spite of burrowing instinct to slide quickly from the table.
“If Tevinter’s military keeps pushing, Tantervale was just the start.”
no subject
From his earliest memories, he's always had some notion of what he owed his family, the land they called theirs. When he didn't have that, he was adrift; and then with the Rocinante he owed it to his people to keep them alive as they were catapulted from disaster to disaster. When he took the captaincy, he owed it to them to act in their best interest, to protect their ship and their way of life. He'd respected the man in front of him after the dreams, even given the treason and the ways it'd specifically hurt him, because of his convictions of what they owed the natives here.
"Why do you care?"
The words might sound more like a barb if his tone did, but there's honest curiosity. Why are they having this conversation, about the relative flaws of how Jim's been handling loss and war, about whether or not Silas has his trust or respect? I just don’t want to be dismissed only stretches so far. We’re soldiers, too.
no subject
“And you’re a disaster.”
To be fair, what human isn’t?
The flint in his glare is all defensive bristle, pushing back against pushback, holding his ground. The pause between one turn and the next is brief, hedging while he flexes the ache out of his grip on the tankard.
“Rightfully so," from the sound of it, "but I worry.”
no subject
(Disaster should probably offend, but he's either too surprised or too self-aware to protest that.)
There's a twist to his mouth, self-directed mockery, as he admits, "I hadn't realized."
no subject
Now he knows.
He revokes their shared ownership of the Good Nuts, sweeping the mismatched few that remain back into a pile between his hands. There he can focus his full attention down on crunching and grinding his way through them to occupy himself while Holden comes to terms with this new reality.
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