Glimmer hugs Ellie tight as she's turned away from the bodies. It's a comfort, though not for the first time Glimmer finds herself missing the closeness of that shared emotional connection. At least... at least she's not alone. She stumbles, then hops down off the wagon.
"Yeah. Let's do that." She just wants to focus on the task ahead. Thinking about what just happened makes her feel too jittery.
Ellie hugs her back, letting go only when Glimmer starts to draw away. It feels like it was too short, like she's pushing herself to the next thing to make sure she doesn't have to think too hard.
It sucks, seeing someone else do what she does. Do her friends feel this powerless? Did Joel?
"Okay."
Ellie hops down, lightly touches Glimmer's elbow, and points out a grassy, flatter area with some likely-looking stones, which looks like a good place to dig, and goes to check the corpses herself. Drags the bandits to the edge of a drop, tosses them down unceremoniously, and then looks over the murdered couple.
Slowly, she walks over to Glimmer, holding the husband's waist pouch in her hands, along with a letter. She's squinting to read it, has managed the gist.
"... they've got a son down in Crestwood," she says softly. "They were refugees. He invited them to come and live with him and his family. They were going to meet him in Kirkwall in a week, and travel back together."
Part of Glimmer is glad that Ellie is here to take the lead a little. Someone else can make decisions for the moment and try to organize the horrid grim work that yet needs to be done. She still feels distant, not quite herself. If she talks about it, is Ellie going to understand? Grasp all the tangled weave of guilt and alienation and derealization and disassociation that seem to come with this? So she stands in the qrassy sward and waits. She waits and stares down at the grass as if she might find an answer to all the uncomfortable and despairing questions chasing themselves around her mind.
When Ellie approaches, Glimmer looks up from where she's staring at the ground and her expression twists. Her heart lurches down into her stomach.
"We... Someone will have to contact him, right?" Her voice is quiet at first, run through with melancholy. There's grief there for the dead innocents but Glimmer is still wrestling with herself. Glimmers attempt to keep focusing on the facts has helped. A little.
"Gods. They came all this way just to get away from everything and these people just took it away because they wanted some coins," Glimmer is angry, then sad, her voice trembling as she looks from the grass over towards the wagon.
"I should feel worse" Glimmer says and her voice cracks. "I killed him and I'm sitting here and--" Breathe in. Breathe out.
"Why don't I feel worse?" Only Glimmer would ask that question. She motions as if she might bury her face in her hands and then seems to remember that there's blood on them. So instead she just stands there. Glimmer can feel hot tears finally starting to roll down her cheeks as the last of the adrenaline fades and all that's left is a hollow, distant sadness.
"I can," Ellie says softly. It might be good for Glimmer to do it, but honestly, she's not sure she's up to it right now. It's hard to know what the right thing is. Dina would know, she feels sure of it, but she's not here.
They stand in the morning sunlight, and Ellie folds the letter, moves in to settle her hand on Glimmer's shoulder. She pauses for a moment, trying to search for the right words to say. It takes several false starts, before she manages.
"Have you ever been cut so deep that you didn't feel it?" she asks. "Or been in a fight and gotten hurt, and you didn't realize it until later?"
Ellie rubs her thumb along her shoulder.
"Sometimes... the rest of you is like that, too. It kinda shuts some stuff off, until later. Sometimes it's a few minutes, sometimes it's a few days..."
Ellie trails off, softly squeezing. Her voice turns heavier.
"Sometimes it's years. When everything's good again, or it should be. But it-" she makes herself look up, and into Glimmer's eyes. "Come find me when it does, okay? I'll wait it out with you."
"Yeah," Glimmer says softly. Her shoulders tense up, then shake a little as she feels herself start to cry. It's distant. Like it's not really her feeling it. Her head bows and she keeps crying because she doesn't know what else to do. Glimmer feels exhausted, all of the energy and fight wrung out of her by that brief encounter. Is this what Ellie feels like? All the time? Has she fought and killed and nearly died so much that it just weighs on her shoulders constantly?
"Ellie..." Glimmer throws her arms around her friend again and holds tight, her frame shuddering. She just needs to hold on for now. Find a way back to herself. Whatever that means.
She hasn't been sure what that means since the Aerie, honestly.
Ellie wraps her arms properly around Glimmer when her friend reaches for her, holding her close, letting the tears fall freely.
Not for the first time, she has an empty feeling in her stomach, a strange twin to envy. Glimmer can so readily cry things out, can tell others how she's feeling, can let herself be hurt and vulnerable without shame or fear. She doesn't want her to lose this good, honest part of her.
She presses her face into Glimmer's hair with a sigh, and holds on tight.
Glimmer clings to Ellie again. There's an intensely grateful feeling in her chest. Someone here knows her well enough to understand. And she cries and she mourns. Mourns for herself, for the men she's killed, for the dead couple at the cart. Because that's her heart and she can't find another way to be.
"I'm sorry," she says, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry, I should be holding this together. I'm just--just a liability right now--"
"Better now than later," Ellie tells her, honest and with quiet, reluctant cruelty. "When it gets bad."
Like this isn't awful enough as it is, like Ellie didn't frame this as an outing, a getaway. Like she didn't know that this would happen and choose to get them through it now instead of later, in the middle of a battlefield or a random attack during a mission.
Glimmer is in Forces. She's going to have to kill people like this a lot more before the war's done. And this sort of thing can't be taught without pain, even if Ellie wishes she knew how.
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faderift2021-08-27 09:27 pm
no subject
"Yeah. Let's do that." She just wants to focus on the task ahead. Thinking about what just happened makes her feel too jittery.
no subject
It sucks, seeing someone else do what she does. Do her friends feel this powerless? Did Joel?
"Okay."
Ellie hops down, lightly touches Glimmer's elbow, and points out a grassy, flatter area with some likely-looking stones, which looks like a good place to dig, and goes to check the corpses herself. Drags the bandits to the edge of a drop, tosses them down unceremoniously, and then looks over the murdered couple.
Slowly, she walks over to Glimmer, holding the husband's waist pouch in her hands, along with a letter. She's squinting to read it, has managed the gist.
"... they've got a son down in Crestwood," she says softly. "They were refugees. He invited them to come and live with him and his family. They were going to meet him in Kirkwall in a week, and travel back together."
no subject
When Ellie approaches, Glimmer looks up from where she's staring at the ground and her expression twists. Her heart lurches down into her stomach.
"We... Someone will have to contact him, right?" Her voice is quiet at first, run through with melancholy. There's grief there for the dead innocents but Glimmer is still wrestling with herself. Glimmers attempt to keep focusing on the facts has helped. A little.
"Gods. They came all this way just to get away from everything and these people just took it away because they wanted some coins," Glimmer is angry, then sad, her voice trembling as she looks from the grass over towards the wagon.
"I should feel worse" Glimmer says and her voice cracks. "I killed him and I'm sitting here and--" Breathe in. Breathe out.
"Why don't I feel worse?" Only Glimmer would ask that question. She motions as if she might bury her face in her hands and then seems to remember that there's blood on them. So instead she just stands there. Glimmer can feel hot tears finally starting to roll down her cheeks as the last of the adrenaline fades and all that's left is a hollow, distant sadness.
"I just feel numb. It was him or me," she says.
"Shouldn't I feel something? Anything?"
no subject
They stand in the morning sunlight, and Ellie folds the letter, moves in to settle her hand on Glimmer's shoulder. She pauses for a moment, trying to search for the right words to say. It takes several false starts, before she manages.
"Have you ever been cut so deep that you didn't feel it?" she asks. "Or been in a fight and gotten hurt, and you didn't realize it until later?"
Ellie rubs her thumb along her shoulder.
"Sometimes... the rest of you is like that, too. It kinda shuts some stuff off, until later. Sometimes it's a few minutes, sometimes it's a few days..."
Ellie trails off, softly squeezing. Her voice turns heavier.
"Sometimes it's years. When everything's good again, or it should be. But it-" she makes herself look up, and into Glimmer's eyes. "Come find me when it does, okay? I'll wait it out with you."
no subject
"Ellie..." Glimmer throws her arms around her friend again and holds tight, her frame shuddering. She just needs to hold on for now. Find a way back to herself. Whatever that means.
She hasn't been sure what that means since the Aerie, honestly.
no subject
Not for the first time, she has an empty feeling in her stomach, a strange twin to envy. Glimmer can so readily cry things out, can tell others how she's feeling, can let herself be hurt and vulnerable without shame or fear. She doesn't want her to lose this good, honest part of her.
She presses her face into Glimmer's hair with a sigh, and holds on tight.
no subject
"I'm sorry," she says, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry, I should be holding this together. I'm just--just a liability right now--"
no subject
Like this isn't awful enough as it is, like Ellie didn't frame this as an outing, a getaway. Like she didn't know that this would happen and choose to get them through it now instead of later, in the middle of a battlefield or a random attack during a mission.
Glimmer is in Forces. She's going to have to kill people like this a lot more before the war's done. And this sort of thing can't be taught without pain, even if Ellie wishes she knew how.