faderift | player plot | when my time comes around, pt. 5

Entry tags:

player plot | when my time comes around, pt. 5

WHO: Everyone!
WHAT: Everything's fine and we're going to have feelings about it.
WHEN: August 15 9:49
WHERE: Primarily the Gallows! But potentially anywhere.
NOTES: We made it! You are all free of my tyrannical plot grasp! There is a final OOC post with some notes + space for plotting here.

This is a timeline where, some mild chaos aside, things for the last month have carried on as normal. Riftwatch hasn't lost anyone at all. There were no funerals. The work continued. The late afternoon of August 15 may find people at their desks, in the midst of meetings or debriefs, in the library, in the sparring yard. Or maybe afield, seeing to errands or meetings or missions somewhere else in Thedas. Maybe, if they are particularly unlucky, they are deep in conversation with an ally or embroiled in combat with an enemy agent at the precise moment when the magical connection between two realities closes and the diverging timelines snap together into one existence.

At that moment, everyone forgets what it is they were just doing. Instead they remember what they might have been doing in the world where a third of Riftwatch's number was lost, despite their hands suddenly occupied with the normal business of handling pens or swords or books they don't recall picking up.

For the always-living, it may feel as though they have been magically transported somewhere new mid-thought. For the dead—the formerly dead, the might-have-been dead—it will feel as though they have just woken up. Perhaps they'll have a vague sense of a dream they now can't recall, in between their last conscious moment amid the blood and screams in Granitefell and awakening just now in a quieter world, or perhaps they'll have a sense of nothing at all.

For a few hours, the worse world will be the only one anyone can remember. Over time, memories of the other world—the only one that really exists now—will filter in, competitive with other memories in a way that might require everyone to double or triple check whether they wrote a letter or completed a mission in that timeline or this one. But the memories of death and dying will never fade into anything less real.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ellie doesn't comment on her silence, only keeps working her fingers through Clarisse's hair, but Clarisse can sense that she's hurting. They both are.

She listens without commenting, waiting until Ellie seems to be finished and her fingers have slowed to a stop, resting tangled up in Clarisse's hair.

Of course it would have taken some serious powerful shit to accomplish what Riftwatch did. Fucking with time like that, going back to undo something so major, that's something not even the gods would allow.

"Did you think," she says after a moment, "that getting blood from an ancient dragon was a good plan, after what happened?" She doesn't mean for it to sound like an accusation, but of course it does anyway.

"It was the only plan," Ellie whispers back. Of course not. It was a stupid plan. A foolhardy plan. They could've all gotten themselves killed, all for the selfish want of bringing back the people they loved.

Granitefell, too. But none of them were kidding themselves. Granitefell was just a bonus. The war and the future of Riftwatch was just an excuse.

"By then, I didn't give a fuck. It was our one shot at fixing things." Ellie pulls her jaw tight, and knows Clarisse can see right through her. She doesn't care. Her eyes are damp, but the tears won't fall.

"And I really, really felt like fighting something."

Look, Clarisse gets it. She loves a stupid, foolhardy plan. If she'd survived she would have been right there with them. And, obviously, the idea wasn't something Ellie came up with on her own. There were a lot of other people involved, working out the details, and she'd just done her part in it.

But something in Ellie's tone is off, when she answers. I didn't give a fuck. She has a sudden, vivid recollection of hearing that same tone in Ellie's voice before, in a memory from years before they ever met: I can make it so much worse.

It doesn't sound like the person she loves.

"And if it didn't work?" she asks, quiet, deliberate.

Silence.

She knows what Clarisse is asking, what she's trying to make her see, but she refuses. She can be mad at her all she likes, the point is that she's still alive to be mad at her.

"Then it didn't work," she says, very quietly. It's the way she can keep her voice even.

"But I couldn't live with myself, if I didn't try. Even if I died-" she pauses here, taking a breath, hating that she's saying the words not because she's afraid of them, but because she doesn't want to hurt Clarisse with them, "If it worked, then it would bring me back too. And if it didn't, then..."

Ellie trails off.

"It would have made sense."

Clarisse draws away from her for the first time since she came into the room, leaning back so she can look at her face from some kind of distance. She needs some kind of distance.

Ellie's words do hurt her. She feels sick, furious.

"It would have 'made sense'?" she repeats, disgusted.

Ellie doesn't try to keep her close. She stays where she is, laying on her back, watching her with serious eyes. Any answer she gives will just piss her off more, but redirecting won't help either.

She makes herself look at her, and slowly props herself up on one elbow.

"If I had to die -- and I wasn't planning on it -- then I wanted it to be because I fought with everything I had."

That it was a dragon was just a little bit of the dark humor of the universe. One of those twists of fate.

Ellie doesn't reach out, just watches her. The expression on her face is unwavering, solemn. She completely believes her own bullshit. Clarisse exhales sharply.

"You weren't planning on it. You were just okay with it happening."

She sees you, Ellie. And she's not happy about what's looking back at her.

For a few harrowing seconds, Clarisse is sure it's going to spill over. She's going to lose it, and it won't just be because she's pissed that Ellie was so ready and willing to throw her life away for the cause. It'll be all of it, all at once, all the fear and sadness and confusion of the past several hours culminating in something she's not sure she can withstand.

She tries to remember to breathe. Just keep breathing.

"You know what," she says, and it comes out sounding choked, "I can't do this right now."

Ellie had it all planned out. She knew Clarisse would be furious, and hurt, and scared, and all the other shit that came with dying. She'd thought that if she just explained it-

You would've. You would've done the same thing if it were me.

It's there on her tongue, but at the look on Clarisse's face, it dies there, spreading bitterly across it. Fuck.

Her express goes from walled off to cracking in an instant, and on reflex, she reaches for her, a hand on her upper arm. The phantom of a dark kitchen whispers around them for a second, and she swallows back the fear.

"I'm sorry," she says softly. "I just- I'm sorry. It was stupid, and you can yell at me all you want later, I promise."

Ellie leans in until their foreheads touch, conscious of whether Clarisse starts to pull back.

Part of Clarisse hates that Ellie backs off so quickly, that she doesn't even try to defend herself, but an even bigger part of her is relieved that it's over. For now. She knows this conversation will have to happen at some point, probably soon. She knows herself well enough to realize that even though she can't handle it in this moment, they'll have to talk about it again.

Right now, though?

Ellie's hand on her arm, Ellie's forehead touching her own. Clarisse doesn't pull away. Instead she leans into it, like those small points of contact are all that's anchoring her here, and closes her eyes.

"Yeah," she whispers, and she isn't sure whether she's about to laugh or cry. "I guess we were both pretty fucking stupid."

Another time, maybe, she would've fought harder. But she's not cruel, and she can tell that Clarisse is nearing the end of her rope. She's not going to deliberately hurt her when she's asked to stop.

"Yeah, probably," Ellie says with a shaky exhale, reaching up for her properly, catching the way she leans into her. Moves in close. She doesn't demand it, but she makes sure her shoulder is easy to reach.

"But we're both still here."

They're both still here.

Ellie reaches for her again, and it's like giving her permission. Clarisse rests her head against her shoulder, and sinks down into the same position she was in before, lying with her upper body on Ellie's, their legs touching. She keeps her eyes closed, breathing her in.

"I would have lost it if you hadn't been here when I came back," she admits. "I was so fucking freaked out, I just laid on the floor of the armory for a while. Then I grabbed onto Flint 'cause he was the first person I saw." Embarrassing. "And then I walked around looking for you for ages."

It hadn't been that long, really. But it had felt like forever.

Clarisse comes down on top of her and presses all of the air out of her lungs. Like a kind of surrender, Ellie lets it happen. Lets her push everything out until there's nothing left.

It makes the air taste sweeter when she finally breathes again, lifting them both. Listens.

"I was on the ferry," she says quietly. "When I got off, Abby was there-" Ellie breaks off, an airless whisper of noise. "I almost knocked her over. I knew you were here, because she was. I would've used the crystals, but."

She chooses not to say why. The both of them were in shock.

"We both went looking for you."

Underneath her, Ellie's chest rises, and she feels herself lifted up with it.

"I saw Abby in the middle of the ambush. She was hurt, but not too bad. We parted ways and I didn't see her again after that, but..." Clarisse wets her lips. "I think I knew, anyway. Deep down."

Slowly, not thinking too much about it, she slides a hand into Ellie's, threading their fingers together and tracing the lines in Ellie's palm with her thumb, over and over. Life line, heart line, head line.

"Yeah," Ellie says quietly back. For all that she wouldn't believe it, she'd known too.

It settles again, the shadows of memory threatening to take that pain and gouge it deeper. Remembering. Clarisse's hand in hers interrupts that. The slow trace of the lines of her palm.

It's so familiar, a sensory interruption of something Clarisse has done many times before. Her hand grows lax under Clarisse's touch, and she breathes again. Focuses on the warm weight of her.

"... how is she?"

It's a question Clarisse isn't sure how to answer.

"I don't know. Okay, I guess," she says after a pause, even though she knows there's no way Ellie will believe that. She doubts there's a single person in the Gallows who could be described that way right now.

She opens her eyes, finally, but keeps tracing Ellie's palm with her thumb. It's calming for her, too, that and the steady rise and fall of Ellie's chest.

"I told her I loved you three months ago. She gave me a deadline. Said if I didn't tell you in three months she would do it for me." And, look, Clarisse did miss the deadline, but it wasn't her fault. It was definitely the dragon's fault.

Ellie pulls a face at the answer, but doesn't call her out on it. Nobody is anywhere in the realm of okay -- but then again maybe it was an unfair question. What's she gonna say, shitty? Probably shouldn't be alone right now?

(She tucks that thought in the back of her mind so she doesn't have to look at it in the moment, but it'll stick there.)

Ellie soaks in the warmth of Clarisse's fingertips on her palm, lets it bleed the tension slowly, slowly out of her. Like it's defrosting.

That shocks her, though- so much so that a laugh rips out of her, surprised and a little painful, and she reaches up with the hand Clarisse doesn't have to fist a hand in the back of her shirt, holding onto her while she struggles to catch her breath, and can't.

"You fucking-- are you serious?" God, she can just picture Abby saying it, too. Just being so goddamn done with the two of them.

Ellie's laughter shocks something like a smile onto Clarisse's face. The closest she's come to one today, anyway. It's good to hear Ellie laugh.

"Yeah," she admits. "It was right after all that stuff happened where we got each other's memories. I went back to my room and we talked for... a while."

The day after the horrible conversation they'd had, when Clarisse had realized that part of the reason she was so fucking pissed at Ellie was because she loved her, too. That she couldn't be as furious as she was and not love her.

It hurts a little. It's the first time she's laughed since Clarisse died; she's barely cracked a smile. It feels like stretching out a stiff, sore muscle. Like finally taking a full breath. She was unprepared for how good it would feel, even if it aches.

She turns her face into Clarisse's hair, calms herself down.

"... that long, huh?" she manages, this time in a soft, amazed whisper. It does make sense. She's curious about the rest of it, too- what did Abby tell her? What did she tell Abby?

All this time she's kind of assumed that Clarisse didn't talk to Abby about them, but. It would make sense. It's strange to think that she has an opinion. And from the sound of it, that it's positive.

... it's a really weird feeling.

That long.

Looking back, it seems so stupid that she never said it, but— "I was waiting for the perfect moment," Clarisse admits.

There had been a hundred times where she could have told Ellie she loved her, and almost did. But Clarisse was thinking about something big, something amazing, something unforgettable. She was waiting for it.

In the end, all waiting got her was that last panicked minute, her fingers twitching as she tried to force herself to reach for her crystal, knowing it was already too late.

Her thumb slows to a stop on Ellie's palm.

There's a kind of weird poetic symmetry in it. The both of them, knowing how they felt. The both of them waiting for the perfect moment to say the words. Fussing over it silently, dancing around it.

"Me too," Ellie whispers back. And she parts her lips to say something else, something about that day in the docks, watching the sunset, and how close she'd been to saying it then. How she'd listened to everything Clarisse was saying, and heard it in every word.

As long as I can choose you, too.

But Clarisse's thumb slows, stops, and Ellie curls her fingers around it, holding on. Ellie knows it means she's thinking of something that's bothering her. She squeezes, a silent encouragement and gentle question.

She shouldn't tell Ellie this part. Clarisse knows she shouldn't, that it will only hurt them both if she does, and yet she pulls a shallow breath in and opens her mouth to say it anyway.

"I tried to call you. Right at the end. I was lying there, and all I wanted to do was tell you. Hear your voice. But I couldn't reach my crystal. I couldn't move. I was... drowning." Her voice wavers on the last word, just a bit, but everything else sounds strangely flat.

She'll relive it inside her head, over and over again. Forever, maybe.

"I should have just said it," she says, staring off at some fixed point on the far wall, not really seeing it. "The first time I thought it, I should have just said it."

It does hurt. It cuts hot and deep, and Ellie's breathing stutters for a moment before she can fully resume. She takes her fingers from Clarisse's back and puts them in her hair instead, holding her while she gets it out.

Drowning.

She remembers it. All that black congealing blood. The way her mouth was soaked with it even though the injuries hadn't been anywhere near her face. How her eyes had still been a little bit open, looking off to the side somewhere, away from the fight. Her crystal had been in the ashes.

Ellie hadn't known. She'd been somewhere else, doing something else, something that didn't matter at all. Be back in a few days. If Clarisse had called her, she would've had to hear her die.

She curls her fingers and runs them slowly through her hair, shutting her eyes.

"I knew. Maybe you didn't use those words exactly, but I heard them anyway."

"It doesn't matter if you knew." She squeezes Ellie's hand so tight it probably hurts her, but she can't let go. "You shouldn't have to... to just know, without me saying it."

Yeah, things would be a hell of a lot easier if that's how it worked, and maybe before this Clarisse would've had a more self-forgiving view of the whole situation. But it doesn't work like that.

She didn't tell Ellie she loved her, and then she died. And by all rights that should have been the end of it, except somehow it wasn't. Somehow she got a second chance. And she doesn't know what makes her any more special than any of the billions of people who've died and not gotten this opportunity, but it's already weighing on her, making it hard to breathe.

It does hurt her, but Ellie doesn't really give a damn. She needs the hard grip as much as Clarisse does, and she curls her fingers tight to hold her back. Like she can be an anchor to the world right now.

Something in her cracks at the note in Clarisse's voice, in how close she sounds to not being able to keep it together.

"... yeah," Ellie whispers, laying her cheek against her, closing her burning eyes. "But we couldn't have known we didn't have more time."

Ellie doesn't pull out of her grip; she curls her fingers around Clarisse's and squeezes just as tight. The pressure helps. It makes all of this seem more real—the bed, the blankets, Ellie's heartbeat.

"If anybody should have known that, it's me."

How many people has she seen die? So many of them. Silena and Beckendorf with their college plans, Lee playing guitar at the campfire after they won the golden laurels together, Michael standing on his toes to fight with her. So many ghosts who had even less time than she did, who should've reminded her—

The fact that she made it to twenty should have been treated like a fucking miracle, and instead she just got cocky.

Her next breath comes out shaky. The first tear spills out of the corner of her eye, and it feels scalding.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject