[open] I could just hear them now, 'how could you let us down?'

[icasm]

WHO: Loki and anyone who is around
WHAT: Loki arrives and connects, reconnects, sleeps, causes problems, etc.
WHEN: last two weeks of Firstfall, first two weeks of
WHERE: The Gallows & Kirkwall
NOTES: nothing yet, will update as needed

∞ : an arrival, more or less : open to all : the Gallows infirmary

The return to Thedas is wholly unpleasant, as far as returns that don't involve time-skipping go.

Instead of returning as he'd left, or as he was, back in whatever reality his consciousness was split(‽) from only to spit him newly out of the Fade and smack dab on his ass, surrounded by demons, in the nearby wilds of the Planasene Forest, Loki reacquired consciousness dressed as he had been the first time the Loom fell and the TVA with it — including his TVA work suit, peacoat, and a copy of OB's "bestseller" The TVA Handbook in his pocket.

He did not arrive armed at all, and an attempt to summon his daggers, a sword, anything only had him frowning at his empty hands as volunteers from Riftwatch fan out in a half circle around him. Someone tosses him a short sword with a yell that he'll have to help defend the group; of course he will, what else would be expected? That he would just cry, curl in on himself, give up?

As appealing as that short list of options was? No.

The short sword will do, for now.

He falls asleep in the cart taking him back to the Gallows more than once. Is only woken up each time when someone grasps his shoulder and shakes roughly - no amount of calling his name or gentle treatment appears to make it through the heavy fog of intermittent narcoleptic catching up to massive amounts of sleep debt. He spends the next five days more or less asleep on a bed in a corner of the infirmary until he manages to remain awake through an entire meal... without anyone speaking to him directly the entire time.

For, you see, the moment anyone turns their back to him or isn't engaging him in conversation, he tends to doze off nearly immediately. But at least he is given clearance to leave the infirmary and take up room elsewhere in the Gallows, seeing as how he's apparently not actively ill or appears a health and safety risk to others; he's just, as he keeps telling whomever may ask, rather tired.



[ Individual & localized starters in comments, feel free to wildcard to your ♥ content | I will match your format ]

Comments

⋉ picking up where we left off (more or less a wreck) : closed to Benedict

[icasm]

[ continued from here ]

"Ah," Loki responds, and then someone does spot Benedict's request for another and Loki's adjoining nod - they're served new tankards within moments. "Too much is happening, is it?"

[altusimperius]

Being more of a wine person himself, but fully of the recognition that beggars (that is, people in slummy pubs) can't be choosers, Benedict takes a cautious sniff of the tankard's contents and then sips. The face he makes indicates that the result is not favorable, but he doesn't complain, continuing to hold it in his hand with every intention of drinking again.

"Always," he confirms drily, and shrugs. "But that's not a bad thing, considering the circumstances." You know, the whole Being At War thing, "some are just better suited to it than others. I guess."

Perhaps it's his already advanced state of inebriation, the presence of a familiar face that had seemed lost, or just the futility of having a full drink he doesn't like but is going to finish anyway, but the moment yields an unusual candor: "Sometimes it's just. Being in a crowded room, surrounded by people, but you're still completely alone."
He drinks again, and makes a face again.

[icasm]

Ok the sniff, taste, make a face bit is very familiar, and also a little amusing; Loki finds himself smirking and adjusting his position in his seat to be a little more upright. Which is good, because the final thing that Benedict says - or admits to, as the case may be - is more than a little familiar, and a great deal heartbreaking all familiarity aside.

Alternatively, even moreso, as Loki knows exactly what that feels like.

He takes a heavy swallow of his own refreshed drink (it's swill, but it's definitely fermented swill, so it will do the job thank you very much), setting the tankard down on the table and tilting his head at Benedict as he folds his hands over his lap.

"You should find someone." He puts a hand up, certain that Bene will protest at the very least or take grave offense at the worst, and attempting to cut any of that off before he finishes. "Hear me out. Beyond the obvious reasons: that distraction in the aspect of forging a new path in regards to any relationship would be a welcome addition to whatever is happening for you, emotionally right now, and the fact that anyone worth their salt would do well to dispel the feeling of alienation at play..." Loki puts his hand down and leans back a little. "There is something to be said for rediscovering oneself through the eyes of another. And finding reason for yourself when you are for someone else."

[altusimperius]

As Loki speaks, Benedict watches him with an expression that starts off in the realm of exasperated amusement and gradually sinks to a wan and weary desolation; his loneliness, drowned and suffocated and stamped out by booze and smoke and keeping too busy, is suddenly visible in sharp relief.

It's not that he doesn't agree.

"Easier said than done," he says in a low tone, shame radiating off him, "and easy to squander the chance when it's there." It's difficult not to think of Colin, the person who no doubt came closest to loving him and being loved; a resource he wasted, for lack of knowing how to use it.

"Besides. I don't think it's hyperbolic to say there are few in this company who would have me. And outside the company, it's best not to be too upfront about what I am. ...or where I'm from."

[icasm]

"Of course." All of that is true. That it is easier said than done, easier squandered than chances seized to their fullest advantage. It's difficult, especially for Bene, he imagines as he takes another drink. Because he's from Tevinter, during a rather long, drawn-out war with that nation. Because he comes from a family that holds quite a bit of money and power in that society.

Because he's a mage, in a world where mages are only seen as the possibility of all the terrible things they could become, accidentally or otherwise. Because a great deal of his early history with Riftwach is troubled, to say the least.

Because it is never easy.

It's not like Loki knows how that feels, either, is it?

"Who are your friends? In Kirkwall, now, I mean." Might as well start there, hm?

[altusimperius]

Bene mirrors the drink, makes the face again and doesn't seem to notice-- it's just what he's doing now-- and, sensing where the conversation is going, winces.

"...Abby," he lists, "Byerly. Bas--" He stops, mid-word, unsure; is Bastien his friend? Has he ever been?

No time to dwell on it now. "Ellie and I smoke sometimes." He hunches his shoulders. "Edgard is. ...friendly. And Matthias. We talk occasionally."

After an awkward pause, he adds, "...there, um, used to be more. I think."

[icasm]

Okay, okay. Loki can shake the cobwebs from his inebriated memory and make some connections. Taking a deep breath.

Abby, easy. Ellie, also easy. He knows them. Matthias he... knows. Of. He thinks? He's young.

He remembers Edgard.

He makes a face behind his drink after he picks it up again. Look. It's been so long since he has been... allowed himself to be drunk. No one could possibly understand.

"That is a very limited... group." Heavy on the lesbians. And otherwise inaccessible.

"Who is interesting?"

[altusimperius]

Benedict has been in his cups for a while already, so it takes him a moment to grok what interesting means. When he does, he sits up straight as though pinched, his eyes widening.

"NO," is all he says, looking to be halfway between crying and laughing.

[icasm]

"What do you mean, no?! Are you completely disinterested in every single member of the company?" Perhaps Benedict is just too picky.

[altusimperius]

"Oh--"

Slightly taken aback, Benedict realizes his mistake.

"...well, no. I thought you meant," and he gestures vaguely, adding with a sheepish smirk, "among them." As in, the people he'd listed.

[icasm]

Do you see this, Bene? This is Loki rolling his eyes at you. "Were you interested in any of the listed in that way I would rather not know, if it is all the same. Well? Is there anyone?"

[altusimperius]

"No," Bene says with an abashed smile growing, though he tries to hide it behind his mug (it quickly vanishes into another grimace when he takes a drink), "and... I don't know. It hardly seems worth thinking about."

Setting the mug down, he drums his fingers against it once. "...or is just. Pathetic. Or would be pathetic if I did it."

[icasm]

"So what you are telling me is that any endeavor you engage upon is automatically pathetic?" Yeah Loki wouldn't be at all familiar with that sort of feeling, would he? "For one thing I don't believe that is true, and I think it is someone else telling you that, not a self-generated idea. Whomever it is? They are not here; you are. If you try nothing, you have nothing to look forward to."

Loki takes another drink. "For another, you smiled a little thinking of the possibility, it seemed, and I have no reason not to encourage that sort of behavior."

[altusimperius]

To the first question, Benedict looks a bit stung hearing it spoken back, but then gives a useless little shrug; yeah, basically.

"What if they are here?" he asks, perhaps just to be contrarian (or perhaps because he knows something Loki doesn't), but lets the conversation move on.

"The difference between indiscriminate fucking and trying to find someone who will love me," he muses, his words slurring gently with inebriation, "is that I know fucking is something I'm at least capable of. There's no guesswork. If my partner doesn't like me personally," which, if his tone is any indication, he believes they usually don't, "they can just close their eyes. Or never learn my name."

[icasm]

Another eye roll. Don't play that 'but what if they are?!' game with him, because the answer will quickly become 'then we deal with it'.

"Everyone is capable of love and being changed by it. Regardless of lack of ease. You're entirely too handsome to believe the worst of yourself at all times in this way."

[altusimperius]

"At least I'm handsome," Bene concedes dully into his mug as he takes too big of a drink, swallows it wrong, and begins to cough violently as the terrible ale works its way out of his trachea.

A few people look their way, perhaps hoping for more violence now that the other fight has died down, but they're quickly disappointed to see that it's just one person drinking poorly.

"It's not--" he rasps, thumping once or twice on his chest, "--that I don't believe you, it's just," and he pauses to think, clearing his throat before concluding, "...no, maybe I don't believe you."

[icasm]

"I can tell," in the tone of someone who is both wholly unsurprised by this turn of conversation and a little exhausted of it already. To note: Loki rubs the line between his eyebrows, takes another drink, and sighs.

"When do you feel good about yourself? Regardless of whether or not you think you should, or deserve, or it's basis in any number of realities. Not numb, or neutral. Good."

[altusimperius]

In rare form, Benedict can tell he's being aggravating and is too addled to care, which-- to be fair-- is a welcome change from scrambling to be everything he thinks everyone wants of him. Another piece of the puzzle clicking into place, perhaps, but if he's aware of this it will be some time before he acknowledges it.

"Um," he stalls, clearing his throat again, and he looks at Loki, then past him, his eyes unfocusing into a glassy-eyed stare. Processing request...

[icasm]

"Hel," Loki murmurs into his tankard, "it is rather like looking in a mirror," and then he swallows these words away with the draining of the vessel. No more ale for him, for now.

He gives Benedict the opportunity to fix on a memory or perhaps give up on the endeavor, dismissing several trains of idea in the time elapsed. Pushing will not solve this and becoming the consumption of loneliness will cause both of them more problems than solutions.

Benedict needs someone who would look at him and only him, and Loki is not equipped for the weight of that or the cost of its inevitable failure.

"How do you pick?" A change of direction, possibly just as Bene opens his mouth to answer the earlier question, "Who you sleep with? Is it random?" He doesn't think Bene was doing much sleeping around before, and that is... a movement toward improvement if not simply used in a self-destructive way.

[altusimperius]

He hasn't landed on anything, not for lack of trying-- and in fact, there are a few thoughts nearly forming, if he could find the words for them, but Loki interrupts the effort and Benedict looks back at him with a bit of relief.

"...sort of," he admits, with a churlish shrug of one shoulder, "whoever seems up for it."

[icasm]

Some. How. Loki is not at all terribly surprised that's how it's going.

"Next time, find someone who smiles when he looks at you." Loki's tone is zero percent suggestion, oddly enough. He's not being gentle with this imperative. "And not in a way that makes you shudder in an unpleasant way, you know the sort."

[altusimperius]

It's sort of funny to imagine anyone in the sorts of places he frequents doing any smiling as a prelude to the reason they're there, but Loki's tone isn't lost on Benedict. The look he gives him is a little forlorn-- he's not going to argue, but that does significantly lessen the number of options he has.
His shoulders hunch defeatedly.

"D'you think they'll keep smiling when they find out what I am?" He toys with the mug on the table, giving it a break; his stomach is starting to sour from the conversation, and tempting fate seems unwise.

[icasm]

"I think that if you never look for it, you'll never find it. I think you deserve more than some furtive, anonymous fuck, truth be told, and someone who looks at you and sees something pleasant is a decent baseline."

Loki taps his fingers on the table in a staccato before he pulls out several coins from his pockets and makes to stand. "Come on; I think clearer air will do us both some good."

[altusimperius]

It was unlikely any action was going to occur tonight anyway, and after this, Benedict isn't sure he wants any-- so he nods, defeated, and stands along with Loki. He wavers on his feet, the room swimming around him, but he's at least sober enough to convey himself in a (moderately) straight line once they move in that direction.

[icasm]

Loki does make sure not to move too quickly as to make it difficult for either of them to play follow the leader; as it is, when he stands he becomes aware of the fact that he's been drinking for some time, fighting exhaustion every moment during.

At least he's well familiar with how to conduct himself when much too drunk to be sensible.

They make their way outside and Loki leans back against the low stone fence separating the building from those around it, taking several steadying breaths before he straightens up.

"When was the last time Riftwatch threw a dance or something like it?"