open + closed | mistakes have been made

[thereneverwas]

WHO: Barrow + you
WHAT: catch-all
WHEN: the general Firstfall/Haring vicinity
WHERE: around the Gallows
NOTES: lots of Templar-relevant navelgazing. starters in comments, holler if you'd like one

Comments

[thereneverwas]

Curse you Stephen,

"...left."

Into the awkward silence that follows, he adds, "...the mages had already gone anyway."

[portalling]

A faint squint; intrigued. He’s made the Templar order his own personal irritant, and yet he realises he’s not really familiar with these logistics. It’s not like Stephen ever served in a military —

“And they’re… fine with that?”

[thereneverwas]

It's the one topic that can make Barrow sulk and shuffle like an adolescent: he knows, obviously, that how he handled the situation would be extremely frowned upon by any military organization, not to mention morally wrong by some definitions, and that he's dead to rights. All he's ever been able to do is avoid the topic entirely, joke and equivocate and misdirect until everyone who matters forgets it came up.

But the Order has played its hand, and it's time to play his own.

To Strange's question, he shakes his head mutely. They are certainly not fine with it, and it is, frankly, a mercy to be given any warning at all.

[portalling]

Strange makes a considering noise. “Do you think they’ll come after you for the desertion? Now that you’re forfeiting their so-called ‘protection’.”

Not to scare you out of the decision or anything, but,

[thereneverwas]

Barrow sighs, shrugs again, rubs his temple.

"Dunno. I suppose if they do, they do." Dropping his hand, he looks morosely at Strange, his mind still made up.

"It's the tether I don't want. Like I owe them something, and I'll have to crawl back on my hands and knees if my supplier runs out. Rather take my chances. Stay out of their way for good."

[portalling]

In a sense, it had been nudging, testing the edges, applying pressure, feeling out the other man’s motivation and headspace for this momentous choice. And whatever Strange hears, it’s evidently to his liking; he nods approvingly.

“Good,” he says. “Precisely. This step you’re taking— it’ll simply leave you with more options, off their leash. You can be your own man properly, now.”

The doctor’s got a lot of beef with various parts of society, but the ones instilling chemical dependency and inevitable early onset dementia in their recruits is— well. Way, way up there.

[thereneverwas]

Then what is there left to explain? Barrow sighs out, smiles faintly, pleased they’re on the same page (for once).

“What happens next?”

He’s nervous, not the sort who likes to leave his comfort zone— even if he routinely does anyway, for these people.

cw drugs/addiction, bullshitting medical details

[portalling]

After all that slight fumbling through the conversation, through the more personal topics, the medical professional mask clicks back into place and it’s a relief. This is more familiar territory:

“I’ve already got your current dosage on record. I can see two routes of doing it: either you quit cold turkey, all at once, or through a process called tapering. Lowering the dosage slowly, week-over-week, to wean you off it more slowly. Each approach can work a little better or worse depending on the drug, but obviously there’s not any medical literature on which one’s best for lyrium specifically. I believe the previous lyrium detoxes we know about,”

Orlov and Rutherford,

“were both cold turkey. It’ll feel like shit for a shorter amount of time, but it means you should get through it faster. Getting it done sooner, rather than drawing it out for potential months. From what I gather of lyrium’s effects, it seems similar to methamphetamines; with those, the risk of relapse can theoretically be higher while tapering, since you’re still consuming and you’ll want more of what you’re getting. So, my medical advice is we go with what worked before. Whenever you’re ready, you can cease your dose and we’ll have you stay in the infirmary for observation.”

He suspects it would be best if they did it slowly and he had some sort of replacement substance to cut the dosage with — what would a lyrium agonist look like? — but in its absence… well. They can only do so much.

[thereneverwas]

A smirk, half-wry and half-sad, creases Barrow's face: it's going to be an ordeal no matter what, but there is certainly something to be said for ripping off a bandage over peeling it slowly.

He nods, taking no issue with Strange's advice-- it's reassuring, all things considered-- and is silent a moment, his brow heavy and his hands still fidgeting slightly.

"I don't," he says, already embarrassed by what he's about to say; but he's heard the stories, knows the rumors about the things that can happen, how people act.
"... I don't want people to," he continues, lowering his voice, "see me."

[portalling]

Strange nods, taking that in.

Not judgmental, just questioning: “No one at all? It can help, sometimes, having a comforting presence or loved ones to visit. A hand to hold.” Adding, dryly, “My own bedside manner isn’t the greatest, so you’re warned.”

I mean, Barrow probably already could’ve guessed.

[thereneverwas]

Barrow thinks on that a moment, folding and unfolding his hands. It's not that he has an issue with Strange's bedside manner, but a creeping unease in the back of his mind is unrelenting: what if he hurts someone, damages something, says something he doesn't mean.

He sighs finally, closing his eyes. "Mobius," he relents, "...Lazar." Someone who can talk him down, and someone who could help restrain him, if need be.

[portalling]

Bedside manner case in point, Strange can’t rein in his mouth or his poker face before he blurts out: “Lazar? Really?”

He didn’t really seem the nurturing type. But okay, to each their own, he jots down an incomprehensible squiggle which might be MOB & LAZ. “But alright. Good, noted. Then I think I’ve got everything I need: I’ll monitor you throughout once we start, of course, and you’ll have a bed to yourself. It’s that small room off to the side, it has a little more privacy compared to the cots in the open.”

It’s played host to various Riftwatchers in need of longer-term hospitalisation before. Herian had stayed there for a while.

[thereneverwas]

Perhaps contrary to expectation, Barrow laughs-- it's a quick burst of genuine amusement, and he shrugs helplessly, offering, "in case anyone has to wrestle me down."
You know, hypothetically.

The tension lessened, he glances toward the door and nods, with a little sigh of relief; he'll have some privacy, at least.

"When should I, er...?"

🎀

[portalling]

“Anytime you’re ready,” Strange says.

Although he also knows how easy it is to drag your heels when there isn’t a fire lit under you, and so he’s quick to add, wryly: “But I’ll also be on your ass to make sure it actually happens and you don’t just back out and dither on timing forever. Just, FYI.”