this world of ours is not as it seems

[girlinthebox]

WHO: River and OPEN
WHAT: Spooky little girl wandering around Skyhold.
WHEN: Late Wintermarch.
WHERE: Various locations around Skyhold.
NOTES: n/a

River has good days, and she has bad days. At times it feels like the swing of a pendulum, whose motions she can never truly calculate.

The good days have gotten progressively better. There are points of focus, people to talk to, to connect with. The Fade remains a presence, near-engulfing even when she's awake, but there's an opportunity to see past it, or perhaps more accurately to watch it layer against the people on this side of the Veil. Cole's compassion. Nerva's protectiveness. Zevran's cleverness. She thrives in their contact, stretching out without fear of it harming either Simon or herself, and simply allowed to be. It's a novel concept. She flits about the keep, often barefoot and the edges of her dress a little dirtier than they ought to be, her dark hair streaming behind her.

It's odd to think she has friends, yet it seems so. She feels their overlap and it feels like comfort, like warmth, and she doesn't want to untangle herself just yet.

But there are bad days.

She's more like a feral cat on those days, slinking just out of sight, out of reach. Either the noise has grown too loud inside her own head, or Simon's attempts to negate the worst of it leave her sluggish and more than a little bitter. Stumbling around like a child, slowed and lethargic. Those days she's not much good for anyone, though she tries to find those warm touchstones again. She lingers in the kitchens, in the hall, in the library or tavern, trying in vain to feel the vividness of those familiar voices again, blossoming bright like colors in her mind's eye.

She's little more than a shadow then. Huddled, hair in her face, staring outward blankly and through most passersby.

There are more good days than bad, thankfully. But every time she sinks brings doubt, creeping and gnawing. If she can't prevent herself from slipping, what happens if she falls?

Or is simply it a matter of when?

Comments

Russian Roulette on the mood wheel

[judgemewhole]

The barefoot girl can read minds. was the general consensus of whomever Norrington had questioned about the mage who had been attacked by Cade. Weirdly, he had also heard that Cade had been seen in her company. Even stranger, that Nerva herself had appeared to be as well.

So, was it mind control? Blood magic? Or was it simply something about her that apparently turned two of the most "questionable" Templars into approachable people? What did she see that everyone else had missed?

Norrington had kept himself fairly busy over the last few weeks - but with the troops out on general clean-up of the area, he found himself with hours free. Remembering Cade's accusation, he thought it was time to see about the girl himself.

He wonders if he should be surprised that he finds her on the ramparts. He has a feeling he shouldn't be.

Bad Day

[onlyhymns]

Cade was patrolling when he saw a small form sneak out of sight, and knew it well by the fact that it was barefoot. He furrowed his brow and went forward to peer into the alcove where she'd disappeared.

He saw her there, huddled and silent, with an expression he knew all too well, even if he didn't understand its exact cause. His heart pulled oddly, and before he knew what he was doing, he sank into a crouch, the way one would to talk to a frightened animal: making himself smaller and less of a threat. "What can I do?" he asked, so quietly that only River would hear.

[girlinthebox]

She rocks on her feet, back and forth, rolling up onto the ball before slipping back to her heel, her hands braced against the cold stone. She's watching birds fly from the tower, soaring out towards wherever news needs carrying, disappearing after a time into the mist of the mountain clouds.

She is, as previously noted, barefoot.

Norrington is a rumble of confusion and concern, and more than a little suspicion. It creeps up her spine like an unwelcome touch and she turns, brown eyes flickering over him quickly. But whatever she sees doesn't seem to trouble her.

Her gaze soon returns to the birds, a smile breaking out on her lips as one swoops closely overhead, and she turns to watch its progress over the battlements. A fallen feather tickles at her toes in the meanwhile.

[girlinthebox]

River stared out at him, mouth moving silently for a moment as though mimicking his words. Then one hand lifted, pressing to the side of her head. "Too loud. The edge is too sharp. Scraping on the inside, like fingers..felt like their fingers, in my head. Touching. Too close. Couldn't get them out."

Even in the midst of her obvious discomfort, there's something slightly sheepish that creeps across her face. "...I threw up," she confesses, in an even quieter tone.

[judgemewhole]

She looks over at him, then away again, as if he is nothing more important than the feather resting on her toes. So while she watched the birds, he instead watched her arms and legs. Looking for recent scars, deep cuts that could have only come from a knife.

Folding his arms behind him, he approached cautiously, noting that, oh joy, she was right near a part of the ramparts where there was a straight drop. No scars on her arms, and on her feet. Typically the two places blood mages liked to cut themselves. Besides that, he couldn't recall a single blood mage who enjoyed watching birds out of sheer joy and not some sort of ...predatory intent.

He came to about five feet away from her, and looked off at the birds himself, and stated dryly, "So they tell me that you can read minds."

[girlinthebox]

"They're not books."

Nonplussed, River bends at the waist to pluck up the feather. It turns delicately in her fingers, gleaming in the light. She carefully smooths the ruffled sections back into one smooth, sleek line.

"Can't just open a person's life to the middle and read. I hear people when they're loud. It's not the same."

Finally she looks back towards Norrington, unafraid. He's not one of the bad ones, either, just very concerned about corruption. He's afraid of the wrong thing, but it'd be foolish to tell him so.

[judgemewhole]

Now that... was a valid point. He folded his arms over his chest, nodding his head slightly. "I cannot argue with that. You can never understand a person if you do not know where they have come from."

Now curiosity flickered across his face, as he tipped his head at her. "So ... if our ... thoughts are loud, you can hear them? Like we are yelling them at you?"

[girlinthebox]

"Like...noisy neighbors. Echoes. There's a wall, but it still comes through. I can't not hear." The feather lowers, though still clutched in her fingertips.

"Wasn't always that way. Things...happened. Split the seams and now things come in, bleeding through. We're trying to fix it, but the pieces don't fit together like they used to."

[onlyhymns]

Cade listened intently, and actually smiled a little at her confession. There were far worse ways to react to losing one's mine than losing one's lunch, and he wasn't about to judge her for that.

"I can..." he mused, paused apologetically, then forced himself to continue. "...I can try to quiet it. Like I did before." But he wouldn't do it at her, this time. He would do it for her, if she thought it would help.

[judgemewhole]

Well, now she had his full attention. It didn't sound like it was a gift she could control. He ...wasn't entirely sure how she would. He had never heard of a mage's ability like this.

Something in him paled, because to have something like this done to her - ah, Maker. "So they took apart your mind, and you ... and someone else are trying to put it back together again. Was it ... blood magic?"

He isn't entirely sure he understands.

[girlinthebox]

He's sorry he did that, he's sorry, he wants to help. He knows what it's like to feel too much.

River drew in a breath. It might help. It might hurt. She didn't know, but anything was better than the dizzying swirl of too much, too fast, unable to get the crawling out from under her skin. Finally she gave a brief, shaky nod.

[girlinthebox]

The word brings the memory back to life in a breath, a spell all its own. Blood. She'd taste it on the air, on her skin. That poor elven girl, who'd been kind to her...

She'd gone very still, very quiet with the remembering. She barely shivered when the wind blew down across the battlements, stirring her hair and her dress.

"They...wanted me to go inside. To hurt people. But I didn't want that. And they were wrong, something out of place. They tried and tried, and the others died..."

[onlyhymns]

Cade's brow knit sympathetically at the time she took to answer him. When she nodded, he nodded too.
Though he was in his lighter clothing, he still had his sword on him. He stood to unsheath it, then crouched again, holding it in both hands, point on the ground, where she could see it. Then he closed his eyes, concentrated, and called forth the power to silence. The spell wasn't the mess it had been last time, directed now so that it would affect only River and not any other mage in the vicinity. It wasn't the blast it had been, although the sensation would still be unpleasant, like the air being quickly sucked out of one's lungs.

It only took a few seconds, and then it was done. Cade lowered his sword and looked at River to gauge her reaction.

[girlinthebox]

Her eyes went wide as the sensation burst under her skin, sucking inward and leaving her reeling in its wake. For a brief second the color seemed to blur out of their surroundings, something dry in her veins, and with a small pained sound she tipped into the curve of the alcove, shivering.

But the voices had stopped, albeit temporarily. She was alone in her own head. The only thing it couldn't stop was the emotional backlash from suddenly having everything pulled out from under her. Something Cade wouldn't have predicted in trying to help.

"No. No no no no no," she muttered, curling up tighter, her cheek pressing against the stone.

[onlyhymns]

At first Cade was pleased by what he saw. She had reacted as he had imagined, docile and no longer seeming so frayed at the edges. But then, she curled tighter, and began to protest.

"Oh-- oh no," he said, and sat back on his heels, looking around nervously. "...no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." His apologies were quiet but frantic. Could he do anything right, could he attend to any of his old duties without ruining them?

Deciding he had done enough, he got to his feet and put his face in one hand. "I'll just go," he decided, and turned to take his hasty leave rather than risk hurting her further.

[girlinthebox]

Her hand flew out almost immediately, grabbing hold of the toe of his boot before he could pull away any further. He still could, of course.

But the pleading look she set on him begged him not to. Everything was cold and gray and slipping around, untethered and frighteningly silent. She didn't want to be alone for that.

[judgemewhole]

Maker's Breath. He had no idea what had happened to this girl, but he knew the touch of blood magic when he saw it. Destructive power, worked over an innocent girl and broken her from the inside. His jaw tightened, but he wasn't angry at her, oh no. Just the monsters who had done this.

Others? They had done this to others? Monsters. Horrific monsters. He stands up a little straighter, quieting his voice, "I don't want to hurt you, by making you remember those things. I know it ... I know it was terrible. I would like to help you though, if I can. Help you and the ... person trying to put you back together."

[motherfucking_ghost]

"How," he has to ask when he sees her, "can you possibly stand to walk around a stone castle thing in the middle of winter?"

Oh, sure, the elves seem to do it, because elves are fucking crazy woodsmen. Woodspeople. At least some of them wear shoes! But she looks so small. Tiny. And looks like she's been rolling around in the dirt. Okay, not that bad, but she'd definitely been out and about and has no care about her clothes. Which is cool, because who cares, but it's...kind of odd.

"I mean, like, aren't you freezing your ass off?" Should he curs in front of her? Hard to tell if this is a kid of just a scrawny teenager or twenty-something or what. "Wouldn't you rather be bundled head to toe in a parka? Long johns? Uh, fur, I guess, whatever."

[girlinthebox]

"My brother. Simon. He took me away..."

But she shouldn't talk about that. Better not to bring questions to the matter. Not in front of this one. He'd saved her, and that was enough. She swallows and lifts her gaze to James once more.

"He said it'd be safer here."

[judgemewhole]

Simon. Right. He'd seek that young man out later. For now though, he can see the look in her eyes and -- suddenly he feels like he should share something that he has only shared with one other person here. He puts one hand on the stone, gesturing for her to do the same.

"Do you feel that?" He asked quietly, "The very feel of this place is a beacon from the darkness. It is protecting us, even now. Your brother was very right, River. You are safe here."

Middling to bad

[aintwejust]

He's minded her well nuf while out and about. Little River Bug what gets him into trouble with her brother, trouble on a job, but not so much they can't roll back out agian with all their limbs. It ain't easy, whatever's got her muddled.

So he stops by with apricots and ribbons and little bits of shine when he finds 'em. Talks to her or lets her talk at him. Lets er play with Jayne on the good days when they're both behaving.

Not all days are good, not all days are rough, and not all days leave him fair and fine and settled. Rough dreams remind'n him of fire and ash weigh on him- but he swings about to find her anyway. Noth'n like a slice of the very real present to help him remember why he's stick'n around. "Li'l bug?"

[girlinthebox]

"The stone sings. Not just to the dwarves. It sang for all of them when it split apart."

But she smiles, pressing her palm to the stone as he does, nodding. Any templar who can feel that presence and not fear it but instead recognize it for what it is? Can't be as terrible as the rest.

After a moment she turns, extending the sleek black feather towards him between her fingertips, an expectant look on her face.

[judgemewhole]

He looks at her, surprised, but his lips curve into a little smile. That it was a real feeling, and not something he just imagined? It helps his poor hurting faith a little more.

He tilts his head at her, a little confused, but he leans and takes the feather from her fingers.

[amygdalae]

Bruce's made it a point to try and keep an eye out for River when he can do so, wanting to make sure that she's still around and safe. He feels like its the least he can do, considering everything else.

Today though, he doesn't see her at where she would usually be, and the unsettling feeling starts to bubble in his gut. Bruce tries to not dwell on that as he goes around his daily work, but once he has the time he starts to wander around the lesser known parts of Skyhold, glancing around for any sign of her as he quietly calls out her name. "River? Are you around here?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade flinched when he was nearly tripped, and he looked down on the girl in surprise. Then, taking the hint, he returned to his crouch and then sat down facing her, pulling one knee up to his chest and resting his chin on it.