OPEN - Then the mountain rose before me

[pinprick]

WHO: Nathaniel Howe and YOU
WHAT: Nathaniel settles into Skyhold
WHEN: Current
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Will update with any warnings that come up.

Courtyard

A dark-haired man in his late thirties or early forties is sitting on a camp stool and shaving, hair damp from a recent wash. He has a couple of inches of black beard he's mostly getting rid of, leaving only a soul patch under his lip. He works the brush while flinching at the cold and peering into a small mirror. The cold is not his friend when the razor comes out, either, but it's too dark inside for shaving. He manages the shave without cutting himself from shivering, at least. Come bother him.

Great Hall

Later, he's inside on a chair by the fire in the great hall, warming up. His feet are propped up on another chair. He's enjoying a lazy session of people-watching, smoking from a pipe and listening to a nearby psaltery player. If you catch his eyes on you, he will give a courteous nod and politely direct his gaze elsewhere. His posture is fairly open, so if you want to approach, he'll speak with you.

Tavern

It's after dark that he goes into the tavern and enjoys the smells and sounds, and occasional polite conversation. But it isn't terribly long before, lulled by warmth and safety, he cocoons himself in his cloak, rests his head against the wall, and falls soundly asleep. Until something wakes him up.

WILDCARD

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

Anders takes a shaky breath.

"Connor was saved when they killed what possessed him." Just as Feynriel was saved when they'd killed the demons plaguing him. "He saved our lives, Nate. He fought alongside us. We can't simply murder him so that I can be free of what I agreed to. I can't. I won't."

It's not exactly like he has a choice in the matter - it wouldn't be him fighting in the Fade should people make that attempt - but it's something Anders can't stand to have happen. He wants to not be possessed any longer, but killing Justice to do it doesn't seem fair to the Spirit. Unsurprisingly, Justice agrees.

[pinprick]

A lot of bad people have fought alongside Nathaniel in his life. Some of them have strolled beside him, told him stories, said they loved him.

"You won't allow him to be murdered. But he'll use you as a shield quite happily."

And the moment Nathaniel says it, he realizes he shouldn't have. Justice always embodied the virtue to which he aspired--and none other. There had been a bloodthirst in him before the end, before he ever possessed Anders. And now he holds Anders' life and wellbeing hostage, should anyone discover them. He has convinced Anders to make that sacrifice instead of paying the price himself, and anything Nathaniel says to that could make everything worse.

Well, shit.

[justice_is_blond]

He can feel the fury rise up, Justice's objections about how he had never used Anders, that's what demons do, and Anders lifts a hand to his temple as he tries to forestall both headache and any sort of loss of control. Despite the stress of this situation being the overriding emotion Anders is feeling, he's missed Nate, and missed Nate badly. He's not going to let Justice lash out if he can help it.

The only question is if he can help it. For now, the answer is yes.

"Please, Nate. Please. Not... You wouldn't appreciate someone saying that of you. He's been... better here, better than the last place we were at," and no, he's not about to name Kirkwall, "but please don't provoke him."

He's not sure he can stop Justice if Justice decides he must act, anymore.

[pinprick]

Silence falls heavy between them. Nathaniel has the reeling, dizzy feeling that he has stepped through a hole in time and is hearing someone else's words come out of Anders' mouth. Or maybe it was his own thoughts as a child, that she was better if he never spoke to her, never tried to smooth things over, just let her vileness wash over when it came and let it all go.

He lifts his hands a little, palms out, a show of surrender.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Either of you. Andraste preserve him from this madness.

[justice_is_blond]

He takes a breath, not quite able to look over at Nate. There are so many people he'd fantasized about seeing again, but running into all of them has only reinforced what he'd already known - he's broken. He's not whole. And pretending to be is exhausting but he wants so badly to seem all right anyway. Being all right might mean that they won't actually give up on him the way he deserves.

"He's..." Anders trails off and shakes his head. "I'm sorry." If he was better at control, self and otherwise, he wouldn't need to warn Nate. He wouldn't need to worry about anyone. As much as Justice is better in a place where the Veil isn't so thin, where they can leave the fortress and go out and work in the name of Justice, where at least three people understood the spirit's plight, he's still him.

"I'm glad to see you, for what it's worth." Probably not much. "How have you been?"

For once, it's not a pun. And that's an accident, born of distraction.

[pinprick]

"I'm fine." And it's true. Nathaniel loves being a Grey Warden, in peace and in war. "Glad to see you, too. Are you...are you all right, Anders?"

His tone takes on a tenderness, genuine concern and fondness. He knows Anders is not all right. But it gives him a chance to ask for help, support, or anything else he may need without worrying whether Nathaniel will give it or not.

[justice_is_blond]

The way it's asked, with honesty, like he really wants to know, takes Anders by surprise. Not that he thought Nate callous, or cruel, but he's not used to people actually wanting to know how he is. Normally he'd deflect. He'd joke about how he's great, being in this place with Templars while possessed and wanted. But no one has asked and truly wanted to know, and he takes a shaky breath.

"No." His voice is quiet. Honesty is difficult. "But considering what I've done, I've no right to be all right any longer. It is what it is."

Mages are free of the Circles and no longer are at risk of being slaughtered by Templar whims. If he's the final mage to pay the price for that, then he can, well. Not live with it, obviously. But he can die at some sort of peace with it.

He takes another breath and straightens, glancing at the way they'd come in. "I go by Detlef, here. Anywhere, really."

[pinprick]

Anders used to have the right to be all right, but never was. Who would agree to pay that debt back to him? The Wardens almost did, but the Templars took that away from him. It was the same second chance Nathaniel had had, and Nathaniel doesn't understand why he was able to make a fresh start and not Anders.

"Detlef." Nathaniel bobs his head in acknowledgement, then suddenly laughs, though there is no malice in it. "Maker, I wish you'd chosen an Orlesian name instead. And maybe colored your hair. Being a blond healer from the Anderfels isn't much of a disguise."

[justice_is_blond]

He gives Nate a weary smile. "I've heard things along those lines. Especially that I should have chosen a Fereldan name since that would match my accent, but I've never been exactly good at this sort of thing. And it's too late now. At least no one's figured it out yet who... didn't already know me?"

Though some days it seems like everyone he's ever known is showing up at Skyhold. Of course, out of all of them, Nate's the first who knew him, before Justice. Anders wants to try to reclaim some of that, if possible. The mages are taking steps toward freedom. Maybe he can gain back a little.

"Are you staying for a time? Or perhaps joining? I'm certain the Inquisition will have a place for you."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel looks surprised, and Anders might be one of the few who know what that emotion looks like on him. Anders saw him in a myriad of emotions during the most complicated period of his life. All of those people, all of those who were the very first Wardens made in the new Fereldan order had been so special to him, those few people who began his new family, struggling to make ends meet under the direction of a green Warden-Commander. A drunk, a fugitive, a mass murderer, a pariah, and the symbolically dead. And the actually dead, although Justice wasn't really a friend so much as a terrifying corpse-dwelling self-righteous avenger. Losing any of them was hard, but knowing those they lost continually chose to stay away?

Though considering what happened, he couldn't really blame Anders. But now, Anders...wanted him near. So he didn't have a blanket ban on all Wardens in his life, just the order proper. He had formed those attachments after all.

"I don't think I have anything to offer the Inquisition that it doesn't already have. Even the connections the Howe family used to possess are severed, except with Highever."

But Anders needs protection. Just as urgently, Anders needs a friend. And Nathaniel is one of the few friends with whom Anders hasn't burned all his bridges.

"But I'm here now. And you could be right."

[justice_is_blond]

Here for now. It's something, even with the surprise on Nate's face saying he hadn't considered staying. Why would he? The Wardens have a great many things to deal with, and Nate's not a mage. He doesn't need the Inquisition the way Anders does, or the mages do.

"I'm assuming you'll be staying with the Wardens? They've likely got accommodations. If they don't, I've got a room. It's small, and bedrolls on the floor aren't the most comfortable things, but at least darkspawn won't be spilling out of the ground." In other words, they've had worse. But if he can at least offer a roof for a time, Nathaniel... No, actually, Nate won't be bribed. Maybe he'll stick around a few more days, at least, though.

"And I can show you around some if you'd like." Or let the man go about seeing more of the fortress. It's hard to know what to do here. It's been, except for a brief run-in, eleven years, and Nate's never seemed like much of a hugger. "You might need to know the wheres, whats, whys, whens, and whos of the place as you already are the Howes."

[pinprick]

Oh, Maker. That warrants an epic eye roll.

"I need a bath and a shave first, but that might be welcome after, if you can keep your puns to yourself."

He gives Anders a serious eye, considering the rest of his offer. Nathaniel has a duty to the Wardens, true enough, but this is something else, just as deep and true as the taint. This is about how Nathaniel was saved from going down a dark path, while Anders wasn't. And because Nathaniel was saved, he is duty-bound to give others the same chance he was given. If Anders wants it.

"Do you want me to stay, Anders? With you?"

[justice_is_blond]

He'd been ready to switch to teasing and joking, safer things, and then Nate asks yet another serious question and throws off Anders' whole deflecting game. The man knows him too well... or maybe just well enough. Either way, it's been some time since he's actually spoken with someone who can cut through his defenses.

"I..." Yes. The answer is yes, he badly wants Nate to stick around, but he doesn't want to be so openly weak. He also doesn't want to lie. Anders looks away.

"Anyone who is here who knows me will likely be caught in the crossfire when who I am comes out. I... I want your company, yes. But I don't want to see that happen to you. You should keep the future in mind when deciding."

He doesn't want to see it happen to anyone. But Nate's the one asking, and Nate's the one who has known him the most.

[pinprick]

There's a bit of a pause.

"That's...thoughtful, but frankly, you've already seen that happening to me. It's still happening to me. You're no worse than the associations I already have."

Associations for which Nathaniel could do nothing. Thomas and Father, people he could not save. But Anders isn't lost yet. Someone needs to notice that and do something about it.

"I'll stay."

[justice_is_blond]

Not worse than the senior Howe. Well. That's another something, and it has nothing on the fact that Nate's staying. Anders breathes out, only then realizing he'd been holding his breath. If Nate can stay, can talk to him and treat him like a friend, then Anders isn't completely gone. That's what it has to mean.

He looks back at Nate, trying to keep his expression light and not desperate or overly intent.

"Good." Thank you would make it too personal, and Anders already feels like he's opened up to an extreme amount. "Then if that's settled, we should deal with the occupant who isn't welcome." Nate's chin gets a nod of Anders' head.

"I'll show you my room, so you can drop off your things, and then take you down to the hot springs and leave you there? Unless you're staying for company and the road has been long and lonely." There's the faintest smirk on his face. He knows Nate's not interested, which makes the teasing safe.

[pinprick]

"...Sweet Maker, there's a hot spring?" Is that the bath house Kaidan referred to? Nathaniel suddenly feels even grimier. He can't even react to the flirting, he's so preoccupied with the thought of soap and steam.

[justice_is_blond]

Anders grins, just a flash of it for a moment, but it's there.

"I know exactly what you mean. Come on. This way." And then he's headed back the way they came, and toward a corner of the fortress that's somewhat out of the way - the easier to avoid people he doesn't want to run into.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel considers, for a moment, how he's going to explain why he's rooming with a man he just met. He'll just say there was space and he took it. Alistair said there's not much room, it's all just a matter of finding someone willing to share floor space. Excellent. Covered.

He follows Anders, scratching again at his beard.

[justice_is_blond]

"I can hear you messing with your beard back there. If it itches so much, why did you grow it out in the first place?" Not like he's really one to talk. Until he'd shaved his, he'd been scratching his chin far too often. He isn't meant to have hair there. Someone else's hair against his skin, yes. Definitely. But not his own.

It's not long before they're at his small room and showing it off. There's not a lot of space, but there's enough for sleeping, and the fact that Anders can heat the place without any smoke means it will be comfortable enough.

"This likely wouldn't work well for anyone who isn't a mage. That's probably why they let me have it." Then again, they also likely wanted their spirit healers to get a little bit of sleep now and then.

[pinprick]

"So other Wardens wouldn't recognize me." It's really been awful for his skin, though. A bit of rashiness and even flakiness. Miserable. "Now that I don't need to hide, I can't wait to get rid of it."

The space is cozy, but as far as Nathaniel can tell, it's a luxury.

"Thank the Maker. Privacy."

[justice_is_blond]

He really should have thought more about disguises. Disguises, false identity, everything. It's too late now. Detlef can't vanish and reappear as someone else because people would recognize him as Detlef and wonder what that was about. ...Besides. It isn't like a better false name or different hair color would fool Fenris or others around here.

"My thoughts exactly." Here he's away from people who might recognize him. He can relax. There are a few books carefully stacked in the corner, and Anders' bedroll right next to them, as well as a candle sitting on a chair, but otherwise the room's fairly plain. He hasn't really focused on fixing it up. It's only a matter of time before this is all over, after all.

"It's nice to have a place that's far away from everyone else. Breathing room. And what's wrong with the other Wardens? Are you in trouble with them?" He'd been turned on by fake Wardens, Templars who joined just to harass him, not to help fight Darkspawn, but it means that he wouldn't be surprised if enemies of the Howes had done similar things.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel looks straight at Anders, frowning in concern.

"Don't you...hear it?"

[justice_is_blond]

"It?" He blinks at Nate. "The song? Are there Wardens attacking other Wardens because of that?"

It's stronger, yes... but only sometimes. Other times it's faint, distant, and he wonders if it's hitting Justice more. That's a concern, considering the chance it's tied into Corypheus thanks to timing and his experiences last time he came across Corypheus.

"I know our... friend doesn't react well to it, but don't tell me other people are having difficulties?

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"It's the Calling." It's so strange to have resigned himself to his death, only to hear he's not dying. He is definitely not complaining. "The Wardens as a whole have gone completely mad, thinking we're all about to die. Since Warden-Commander Cousland decided he had better things to do, all the Wardens of southern Thedas have been answering to Clarel of Orlais. She's decided on a few...unconventional methods of ensuring there are no further Blights in case we really are all dying.

"Turns out, we're not dying. She doesn't know that, but it doesn't excuse what she's doing."

Nathaniel is not sure if he should get into any more detail than that, so he moves on.

"Some of us disagreed with her methods. As a result, we've had to keep on the run these last few months."

[justice_is_blond]

"...Shit." He could have told them that. If he'd been there, if he'd been able to help... There's been rumors of Clarel causing problems. He hadn't realized that's why she'd... Shit. Except he couldn't have been there. Other Wardens had made sure of that.

"What's she doing? Exactly?" It isn't like he needs something else to feel guilty about, but he'd known the way this felt thanks to helping Hawke.