faderift | CLOSED - Open that door if you love me

"There are a few mousers around the place." His voice is a little wistful despite himself. Pretty much every time Anders hears or sees a cat, he misses Ser Pounce-a-lot. It's not something he feels he should change, though. How can he go out and adopt a cat when he expects to be dead before long?

...That doesn't keep him from being curious and closing the book he'd been reading.

"What do you mean by new, though?"

"Kittens. Playing in the hallway. Would you like to see?"

The look on his face likely gives him away, but he confirms it a second later.

"Yes." For once the staff is left lying next to his bedroll instead of scooped up. "Which hallway?"

"Come on."

It is, as Nathaniel suggested, not too far from the kitchen. But the kittens are no longer playing. Instead, they are in a hole in the wall, sleeping in a pile. Five warm, fuzzy things happily snuggling and napping.

"I asked one of the cooks. The mother hasn't been seen in a couple of weeks, so they've been feeding the kittens kitchen scraps."

He settles down, sitting beside the nook in the wall and gesturing for Anders to do the same.

"You should take one home."

He sinks down on the opposite side of the next from Nate and just looks at them, snoozing, tiny, with pink noses and little itsy-bitsy toe pads. They're begging to be scooped up and cuddled, but he forces himself to have a little self-control.

"And then what?" His voice is quiet and a little sad. "So it can lose an owner just like it lost its mother?"

Anders tears his gaze away from the cats with a sigh and looks up at Nate. "We both know it won't be that much longer before everything's outed. I won't do that to an innocent animal that will never understand why it keeps losing."

Nathaniel considers this. Puts everything together in his head.

"If I recall correctly," he says slowly, "your judgment and sentencing was carried out by the Champion of Kirkwall. Nobody here has any right to touch you."

He reaches out, stroking between the ears of one kitten as it stretches in its sleep, then calms.

That... hadn't occurred to him.

"You think..." But that wouldn't stop people who truly wished him dead, would it? Would the Inquisition recognize Hawke's authority to make that call? Meredith, a Knight-Commander, had left the matter in Hawke's hands. Absent-mindedly he reached over and touched a teeny paw.

"Some won't agree with that. Many. Most, even, likely. I don't know that argument would hold any weight."

"Which is why this ought to happen on your terms, not theirs. People will only be more outraged if they find out instead of being told."

That little touch, from Anders' finger to that little paw, that's a good sign. That's hope. Nathaniel smiles at it.

"The Inquisition has leaders. If you come to them wanting to right wrongs, they're in a good position to protect you from the mob. They'd also be in a better position than anyone to help you with...our friend. Make sure he doesn't hurt anyone."

The laugh that comes from that is short and bitter.

"The Inquisition's leaders? You mean the group that includes Cullen? The Templar who tried to get every mage I'd known save one killed with the Rite of Annulment, and then went on to be Meredith's right hand where that one was killed? Where mages were dying every day, or worse, being made Tranquil? Yes. Yes, I'm certain he'll listen. And to--" He realizes they're not in the room and cuts off. His voice had been low out of respect of the sleeping kittens, but there's still dangers in these halls.

"To keep our friend from hurting anyone they'd take the easy road. It's exactly what's coming either way. I may as well have a short bit of time left to me before that than rush into my end."

"Cullen, who was a witness to your judgment and sentencing, if I guess right? Or at least, who knows that Meredith gave the task to Hawke, and can confirm? Anders..."

Nathaniel exhales, having grown a little tense.

"You don't deserve this. This hiding and skulking like a rat waiting to be drowned. You're acting like you're already a dead man, and when I first met you, you...you made a point of chasing life. You couldn't get enough of it. And I thought...in the Wardens, you'd have the same chance for it that I did. And you did, for a time. Then Rolan and Justice divvied it up and you were left with nothing. Again. You should have a cat at least, Anders."

It's the first time he's heard that name since he's come here. Everyone's been careful, cautious, using Detlef, but that's not ever going to be his name. Anders has become it. Hearing that, the words, and the emotions behind all of that make Anders go quiet.

He had sought life once. Living, not surviving. But time after time everything went wrong and he'd gotten exhausted. Rolan and Justice. Karl. Ella. Elthina. Whenever he tried for something it was lost. Anders closes his eyes, leaning back against the wall.

"I..." It would be such a little thing, to have a cat again. To have that small part of himself back. He opens his eyes and looks at the pile of cats again. The littlest one has stretched out to poke his finger right back and Anders wants so much to pick it up and hold it close. The breath he takes is shaky.

"Everything falls apart. Every time." He's afraid. That's what it boils down to. After so many tries to gain a better life, so many escapes, so much work, after Karl's death, he's worn down and afraid of how it could get even worse. But at the same time he's barely scraping by. Aside from short moments stolen with Adelaide, among others, he's simply surviving instead of living.

"I don't know how much of the man you knew is left. I don't know how much of me is left."

That gets a pause as Nathaniel considers a response. Maker, Anders does know how to tug at his heartstrings. He doesn't even know he does it, does he? He wouldn't have guessed him someone who would give himself so little credit.

"Well, this might give you something of an answer: I hated Justice. Always did. But I like you. You're not the same as you were, but none of us are. I think there's plenty of you left, really. Enough for me to like, at least. Enough to be friends with."

A pause.

"And...whatever you decide, I want to be there for you. I want to protect you. Someone should have been doing that for you all along."

It's not a sentiment he's heard before. Certainly, when things were getting difficult with Rolan and the others, and his cat was taken away, he'd thought it. Someone should have stopped them. Someone should have stepped in and reminded them that he was a Warden too, mage or not. But no one ever had until Hawke helped with a few things... and then even she had her limit.

"I remember how much you disliked him." As did Justice, but Justice didn't hold grudges for emotions. Despite Nate's feelings about the Spirit, he's staying with the Inquisition and rooming with Anders. He does care.

Anders takes another breath. "I don't... Let me think on going to the leaders, please. I don't know. I can't see Cullen being forthright when it would help a mage, but he's not the only leader and he's not the only one here who was there."

They might take Varric's word for it, maybe Isabela's. They likely won't take Merrill's. But if all else fails, they'd have to take Fenris', and for all of their feuding Anders can't see the elf lying.

"And..." Maker. He tries so hard to protect himself anymore, after all that's happened, and yet fails at even that. He cares. And this man cares back. "Thank you, Nate."

Someone still has faith in him. Somehow. The thought's a little uncharitable - if the others he's known before didn't have faith he'd be turned in, so Nate's not alone - but no one's said it as clearly as this. He isn't alone. He has more people than he can count on the fingers of one hand, and it's something that terrifies him just as much as he needs it.

"If, if I take a cat and something happens, would you make sure it's not alone?" He does want a cat. Badly. It's selfish, and Justice hates the idea, but it isn't like these tiny kittens would even survive on their own. Taking one in wouldn't be enslaving it. It would be helping.

Adria used to protect Nathaniel. Then she wasn't allowed to anymore, with the same reasoning that took Ser Pounce-a-lot away from Anders. Then Delilah tried, but she was too young. Nathaniel twists the ring she gave him on his finger, considering how very lucky he is that he had two people in his life who were willing to protect him, while others were happiest to use him or ignore him. It's only right, to pass that on.

"Of course." Cats aren't necessarily Nathaniel's favorite, but he doesn't mind this.

He reaches into the little nest and gently pries the little one away from the others, the one that reached for Anders before. It gives a squeak and a yawn as Nathaniel places it on Anders' knee.

Edited 2016-01-31 06:32 (UTC)

His breath catches as the kitten's set on his knee, and he hastily moves to make sure it doesn't fall off, cradling the little one. It's warm and fragile and squeaks again and there is no hope for Anders remaining aloof.

He lifts it up and rubs his cheek against its head, bringing another little squeak. Justice still feels that this is a thing that should not be done but Anders is lost.

"Who is adorable, hmm?" Tiny claws poke at his fingertips as the cat bats at what it can see. Despite the fact that he's just discussed the very likely possibility of his own death soon here, Anders is starting to smile. "All right. You win. Now I'll have three roommates instead of simply two. You'd best hope Nate over there appreciates what he's just done."

Justice, Nathaniel, and a kitten. If Varric was writing the story, it would be an utter disaster. ...It still might be. At least now it will be an adorably fuzzy disaster.

Edited 2016-01-31 06:49 (UTC)

There we go. There's that familiar smile. It gets a smile out of Nathaniel, too, watching that little cuddle between them. Maybe if Anders had had more reasons to smile like this, he wouldn't have gone violent.

And, because it feels appropriate, Nathaniel moves in for a half-hug. Manly stuff, patting on the back and everything.

"Do you have a name yet?"

Edited 2016-01-31 23:48 (UTC)

He's a little surprised by the hug, but Anders relaxes into it almost right away. Touch, physical contact, is something he rarely gets enough of. He can't really... return the hug at the moment, though. His hands are full.

"A name?" The small smile turns a little incredulous with the addition of a raised eyebrow. "You just handed," he gently lifts the cat's tail, "her to me. Or rather, deposited her on my lap. A good name takes time. Ser Pounce-a-lot only got his name quickly because I'd been saving it." There's a pause as he looks down at the kitten.

"...But I could call her the Hero of Purrelden."

"Isn't that more of a title than a name?" Nathaniel breaks the half-hug and reaches out to touch a fingertip to one little paw. "I imagine nothing I come up with will be ridiculous enough for you."

"It probably won't. I want it to be funny, and that's not Howe you are."

She opens her eyes, giving up on napping to flex her paws and bat at Nate's finger. Anders gently rubs her head, marveling at how soft she is. And tiny. He can't get away from tiny. He's seen cats this small before, but never held one. Never owned one.

"But you could make your suggestions before I shoot them down, if you'd like. Keep in mind it has to be adorable. Do you know what adorable is?"

"Well." This, for one thing. Not just the kitten, but Anders with the kitten. "I've heard of it. I could give it a go. Archon Hissarian? Fuzzy...fuzz-something. Isn't fuzz supposed to be adorable?"

Edited 2016-02-12 17:38 (UTC)

He manages to pull his gaze up from the cat so he can look at Nathaniel.

"Nate. I respect you dearly. But this is painful. Please never try naming a cat again." There's a definite lightness to his voice, though. How he's missed having a cat. Even more than that, though, he's missed having friends. This likely won't last long, but he has people around him who know who he is and don't despise him for it.

Anders lifts the cat up to his chest and slowly, carefully gets to his feet.

"Shall we introduce her to her new home? I'm going to need to gather up sand, find a small box and another pillow..." There's several things to do, but he sounds pleased as he lists them off. He is pleased.

A soft chuckle at the admonishment. Apparently Nathaniel is fine with never having to name a cat.

"I'll find a box and get sand. You take care of the adorable parts."

CLOSED - Open that door if you love me

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject