I thought that I've been hurt before.

[quietblade]

WHO: Taas + Open
WHAT: Catch-all for February
WHEN: After his return from the Crow event and the rest of the month.
WHERE: Mostly Skyhold, Herald's Rest
NOTES: CR for new and old characters alike!

Tavern

It was usually early in the evening when Taashath lumbered towards the tavern. He usually had an ale or two, maybe something to eat and chatting with friends and newcomers alike. After the rescue of Zevran in Antiva, however, he was drinking more, eating less and rarely talking to people.

He had lost control, forgotten his name, tried to kill a member of the Inquisition, no matter how loaded the issue of a Ben-Hassrath was. He wasn't safe when his rage took over like that... and the possibility of hurting someone he cared about was eating him up inside.

Was he squandering everything Yshae taught him by trying to be a hero?

It was easier to just drink and forget.

Courtyard

Taas was a common sight in the courtyard, talking with people, maintaining his weapons somewhere in the rare sunlight or even chopping a training dummy to pieces now and then. He had stopped offering to spar with people, however, just smiling and shaking his head each time someone asked for a hand or when he saw someone struggling with their guard.

Instead he spent a lot of time going over breathing techniques and different means of relaxing, loosening himself from all the madness etched into his bones. He was Taashath.

It became like a mantra to him. He could push through this.

Wildcard

Hit me!

Comments

[quietblade]

Oh, he notices Bull pretty quickly, his next swing against the dummy hesitant and more guarded. Then he stops, shouldering the heavy weapon with a frown before he makes his way over to the other warrior - slowly.

"I guess we're going to have a problem." It's not an apology, really - but it's also not said as aggressive as it could have been. He knows he fucked up pretty badly.

[qunari]

He's not defensive, not the way he could be. Bull picks up on that right away, so the fact that he's pissed is not news for the Tal-Vashoth. This has happened before. Korrin's got words in play to try and calm him down, so it's been an issue for long enough.

Can't really say if that's better or worse. But his eye definitely narrows.

"But you already knew it was a problem. Didn't think that might be something to let the rest of the team in on?"

[quietblade]

"I thought I could hold it together," Taashath admits, signing at the same time just to see of the other warrior knew it. It could be useful in the future - if Bull didn't decide to just get rid of him right now. "For Zevran. It worked while we got him, but I was wrong. The flesh monster fucked me up, and you were the closest thing to an enemy after it went down."

No excuses, just truth. There was no point in lying to the Secret Police.

"I've always had anger issues even before I left the Qun. I should have gone to the re-educators, but my Sten wanted to use it as a weapon." Still not an excuse, per say. Soldiers followed orders - he was a meathead, not a thinker. "I tried to learn how to control it afterwards, even named myself Taashath as a reminder. Looks like it's easier to slip up than I had hoped."

[qunari]

Bull snorts, nostrils flaring. "It always is."

He knows. Like a flicker in the back of the mind, the corner of the eye, the threat of losing control is always there, flirting around the edges. When they lose themselves to that madness, there's little that can pull them back.

It almost always ends in blood. That animal rage is part of them, inherent. It's why they need the Qun to hold them in check...though it sounds as though it hadn't done him much good even when he was a part of it, if his Sten was encouraging it.

Bull studies him for a moment, silent. Then, without much inflection in his voice...

"Seheron."

[quietblade]

He cannot hear the change in voice, only read the words. Seheron.

"Four years," Taas replies with old ghosts briefly haunting his features. Nobody got off that island the same person they were before... if they ever got off at all. "Shithole."

Taas isn't sure if Seheron changed him or he had always been angry like this. He remembers being a child that wanted to protect everyone. Was he angry even back then?

"I'm aware that I'm a loose cannon... but I'm not leaving."

[qunari]

"Even if the next time, it's not me?"

He gets that there's no love lost there, that the Vashoth here view him with distrust at a bare minimum. But this isn't personal. He could live with whatever personal issues might exist between them.

This is a security risk. That he can't let lie.

"Maybe it's your mage friend. Maybe it's Beleth. You willing to take that chance?"

[quietblade]

"I get it, I really do. I'm dangerous, I'm a risk. I'm the deaf berserker without control. I don't want anything to happen to anyone." Taas says, a little more heated than before. "Fuck, I didn't even want to fight you, even if learning what you are pissed me off enough to go choke a bear." No, really. He did.

"I should leave, go back to what I used to do. I know. Part of me wants to, because then I couldn't end up hurting someone." The warrior sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "...but I made friends here, who do not understand this shit. The rage. We just got Zevran back. Everyone rallied off to save him. Do you think even for a moment that the people I've gotten to know here will let me leave after this?"

[qunari]

"Yeah. I'm sure they're going to hang off your arms and legs and stop you from leaving, if you got it in your head to."

Bull's arms drop. Taas might not be able to tell tone of voice, but the look Bull levies at him says everything it needs to. He's not here to argue with him. But he's also not planning on ignoring the problem and hoping it doesn't bite them in the ass, later.

"You don't want to leave. I get it. You want to live outside the Qun, make your own choices? Own it. Don't put this on them."

[quietblade]

He gets that. He also knows he's probably trying to find excuses to stay, to do something worthwhile with his life - even if he's 100% certain Korrin would drag him back by a horn if she heard he left because of his fear to lose control.

"I don't want to hurt anyone. That outweighs the fact that I don't really want to leave," Taas mutters. "...but yeah, this place felt like a new start, where I could fight for a cause again. Be who I used to be. Bred to be. Not some addled veteran who would never hold a weapon again."

He cracks slightly, a bit of stressed laughter escaping. "Fuck, I was such a dumb kid. Should have listened to the tamassrans and not touch a sword again."

Taas puts his axe down, slowly. "I'll go."

[qunari]

"That what you think I'm here for? Chasing you off?"

Bull's mouth thins, but he doesn't advance. It sounds like Taas already understands the risks plenty, enough to know that leaving isn't the worst idea he could have. Funny thing is, he's got no intention of driving him off.

In fact, a Tal-Vashoth with that sort of rage out on their own, without banner or allies, is probably a good deal more dangerous.

[quietblade]

"You're... not?" Didn't he just fucking say that? Or did... no, he never did say that, he made Taas say it himself. Fucking Ben-Hassrath.

"What do you want from me?" The warrior is confused, now, uncertain what this was even about if Bull hadn't come here to tell him to fuck off. That, at least, he could understand - he could deal with it and move on even if it would hurt to leave everyone a second time.

In truth, Bull was quite right about him being dangerous on his own, too. Even if he had been good the last years, now his control had broken and it could break again. With nobody to stop him.

[qunari]

"I want to know what you plan on doing about this mess."

He's careful to enunciate, every word clear on his lips. This is, in the end, Taas's problem to fix. He's not here as an enforcer for the Qunari, but he's not going to just ignore this and hope it goes away. It's clear he hasn't got a lid on it on his own.

"Because the people you work with can't afford to put their trust on someone that could turn on them when his blood gets too hot."

[quietblade]

He doesn't know what to do. That's the issue, here. Yshae had taught him how to control himself, how to focus inwards when he was angry, but now he had failed and he's not sure how much that would help.

"I had planned to not go on any more missions." He managed the Nevarran one fine because there was no giant flesh beasts. "Now I don't know. I don't want to risk the Inquisition for something like this."

Or the other qunari. This shit looked bad on them, too.

[qunari]

For whatever it was worth, he believed him. There was real regret there, even if he'd only struck out against Bull. There might come a day when it would be someone else, someone he cared about. The kid didn't want that on his conscience.

Bull grunts once, quietly, to himself. "How bad you want this fixed?"

[quietblade]

"Badly" Taas growls, low and determined. "...but I don't know anything other than fighting." Without it, he'd feel like a Viddath-Bas. Broken, soulless. Maybe even worse, because he would have no purpose whatsoever.

[qunari]

"Bad enough to take instruction from a Ben-Hassrath?"

Because he doesn't plan on pushing his help, but of all the people here in Skyhold? He is without a doubt the best equipped to deal with this bullshit. He knows what that madness is, what it feeds on, and more than one trick for keeping it at bay.

He also knows what it feels like to have that tether slip free. A feeling he hopes to never endure again.

[quietblade]

That has the warrior pausing, and he eyes Bull with a hint of suspicion. Taas doesn't quite know what to think of this, to be honest. Part of him really wants the help, but at the same time he doesn't trust Bull the slightest.

It would be an odd combination... but even he understands that if anyone could get into his head it would be a Ben-Hassrath, who knew how Tal-Vashoth worked. Making it a big burly guy was just adding to that, meaning Bull could take him if he broke apart again.

Maybe if he knew that Bull had lost control himself, it would be even more appealing to him... but as it was, he could still piece the offer together well enough to agree.

"...alright. Yes."

[qunari]

"We'll meet at the end of the day. Exhaustion's an easier point to work with, believe me."

And then, well. They'd see what happened. Where his limits were, his triggers. What incited the rage and what calmed him again. If he had words, they could determine how to make them more useful, instill them deeply. Couldn't exactly risk them not taking again, out in the field.

Bull's arms lower, uncrossing. "This is for the Inquisition. For the safety of the people we work with. Whatever issues you have with the Qun or with me, I'm not interested in. Just so there's no misunderstanding here."

[quietblade]

Taas watches Bull for a moment, and then nods.

Okay. He could do this. "For the Inquisition," the warrior agrees with a nod. Everything else could fade into the background for now, no matter how the man brushed him the wrong way with his presence alone.

He could do this for the Inquisition - and for the friends that counted on him.

[qunari]

That willingness to commit for the cause speaks well for him, at least. He's seen how dedicated he is during their journey to Antiva. That's not nothing in his books.

Finally he gives a quick nod, of his own, stepping back. "Then we're good here. I'll let you get back to it." And his eyes travel back to the training dummy. "Don't let me stop you."

Working out that aggression on something else wasn't the worst way to go about it.

[quietblade]

The warrior isn't sure what to make of the Bull's suggestion, but he still moves back to grasp his axe again and lift it. Rolling his shoulders slightly, he can't help but feel a little tensed about all this.

He just made a deal with a Ben-Hassrath. It was... a strange feeling.

It's easier to just focus on hacking the dummy into little pieces. Taking a breath, he swings again and loops the head off in one strike. Focused. Easy. Dummies didn't make him angry.