[Open] Tell me would you kill to save a life?

[justice_is_blond]

WHO: Anders and, at last, fully open!
WHAT: Anders is back in Skyhold after the revelation and Warden mission
WHEN: Around mid-Drakonis
WHERE: around Skyhold
NOTES: It's Anders. Beyond that, if someone does swing for him, he will be defending himself or we can have a handy-dandy Warden NPC Joeth Smithicus step in, up to you!

1. The Healing Tents

He's more quiet than he was before as he works, trying to stay out of the way while still being available. The atmosphere isn't a pleasant one, and he knows there's a lot of anger, but how is he going to help out if he's sitting in the Warden camp all the time? Even more, how is he going to keep Justice in check if their hands are figuratively tied?

The fact of the matter is that staying somewhere safe where people don't loathe him isn't an option so he's here. He only wishes it wasn't putting a weight on the shoulders of someone he's directly hurt.

Whenever someone comes in he looks over, focusing on the fact that it's all right however many times he hears no as the answer to his question - "Can I help you?"

2. Wardentown

It's not the most glamorous setting, but the life of a Grey Warden rarely is. There had been nights at Vigil's Keep... but those are long gone, and now it's tents and fire pit and keeping snow from piling up.

a) Magic-

Anders is currently kneeling near the tent that he shares with Nate, working on creating a pair of small walls of earth - one around the tent, and another small, circular one nearby. Earth isn't something he struggles with, but keeping them level and not causing any extra dips in the surrounding ground is a challenge. His lips are pressed together as he works on precision, and an approach gets a sharp glance and no words, but he's not annoyed someone's come over. A moment later he'll raise an eyebrow, but he's not starting this conversation.

b) Kitten

No matter how many times he has to keep drying her off and warming her up, Hero of Purrelden doesn't want to stay in his lap today. She's insisting on pouncing on snowbanks, batting at ice, and attempting to climb tents. The latter she's pulled away from each time while protesting loudly, but there's a little smile on his face as she misbehaves. It's nice to have a cat again, no matter how much more difficult than Ser Pounce-a-lot she is.

"Still better than a mabari," he'll say to anyone who comes close.

c) Foraging

He's not alone, which sometimes puts him on edge, and sometimes makes him feel a little safer. All the same, Anders is in the area outside the Warden camp with another Warden, looking to see what foodstuffs can be found to add to the pot. They're not in danger of going hungry but it's best to be prepared and know what's growing out here. There's no telling how long the Wardens will be near Skyhold, after all.

There's also no telling who he'll run across out here, and he's more on edge and defensive due to the fact that he doesn't know how someone might react if they come across him when not anticipating that he might be around.

"Watch the snow back that way," is what he says, though, tilting his head in the direction he's come. "There's some hiding a nasty drop. I've marked it with stones." Let them react to that how they will.

3. Wildcard me!

[[ooc: Come at me bros! Skyhold, Warden camp, whatever. If you've got a question about a scenario, feel free to private plurk me @ Nadat or PM this journal.]]

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

[It's not what he was expecting. Most people didn't care to know that... and really, he doesn't know if Bruce actually does. But he'll answer it anyway, with only a raised eyebrow to show his surprise.]

To help where I could. To see if-- [There's a quick glance to make sure no one is close enough to overhear before he continues.] To see if our people truly had a chance at equality here. A chance at apostates no longer having to run or hide, at the term never being applied again. We've lived in so much fear for so long. I needed to know if our future truly could be brighter than our past, and I needed to do what I could to ease the suffering of the chaos around us as I know I'm one of the causes.

[Now to see if the man will believe Anders, or if he's seeking a specific argument.]

[amygdalae]

[Bruce does care, honestly, because in the end he knows in a way he and Anders are in similar positions - or at least from what he's come to understand, and his answer only confirms that. They both want to do better, want to help others, want to... want to do good. Except that Bruce himself has already caused so much harm in the past and Anders--

Anders.]

If you really cared, then why-- [He can't even bring himself to say it out. He was nowhere near the Free Marches when it happened but the news had come nonetheless, and what happened after that--] --what you did, that wasn't helping. That was hurting.

[justice_is_blond]

[There's a chance Bruce is listening, and because of that Anders doesn't go with the usual diatribe about no one caring about mages. He exhales, releasing some of the tension.]

Meredith was escalating. I've treated enough abuse victims to know the pattern in their partners. The Rite of Annulment was, at most, days away. And the choice was to do nothing, to stand there and let a full Circle be slaughtered, or to act and be the one to murder hopefully fewer.

[Anders looks down for a moment before meeting Bruce's eyes again.]

Justice could not abide standing by. And I... It did hurt people. It hurt a great many. And at the end of the fighting in Kirkwall, the death toll was likely the same as it would have been and not less. I traded lives instead of saving. There is literally nothing I can do to make up for the deaths. I can heal, I can try to help, and that is what I am trying to do now.

[amygdalae]

[All Bruce really knows of Kirkwall had been in Tale of the Champion, and even in that sometimes not all details were talked about. And for good reason too, he imagined. All the same... despite the Templars there being unreasonable - and Bruce knew unreasonable Templars - there hadn't been a need to do... what he did.

All those lives. All those people. Gone in an instant.]

And you just-- [He chokes up here, because how. How could anybody think that trading lives was ever worth it? No matter how one tried to justify it murder was murder. There was no way to suagrcoat it.]

You can't just justify killing people like that. How could you even-- [Trading lives? To kill innocents and Templars just to save fellow mages? How can that ever be worth it?] Did you even stop to think what would come out of it? How your actions would affect everyone else?

[justice_is_blond]

[His expression goes flat. He should have just gone with the usual, apparently.]

Yes. In the middle of Meredith yelling and Orsino trying desperately to negotiate to prolong their lives just a few more days I stopped and twiddled my thumbs and contemplated every possible outcome, because I of course could think straight and wasn't worried, hadn't just had several non-mage friends slaughtered by Templars simply for smuggling things into the Circle and a few vulnerable, abused mages out. There was such a great deal of time for thinking things through.

[His voice is equally flat. It's needed, because Justice is getting frustrated and Anders is hoping to have a conversation and not an actual fight.]

If you could stand there and let mages die by doing nothing, then so be it. I couldn't. Justice couldn't. I will never say it was right. But I could see no other way to even start to begin to help and I was trying to cut down the number of casualties. That's all I was thinking might come out of it, despite my hopes that the next time a Circle tried to murder their people they would stop and rethink it.

so much self-projection, i'm so sorry

[amygdalae]

[The flatness of Anders' response isn't really get him any points here, either. Bruce's lips purse and his fists curl, starting to tremble a little at the anger that seethes inside of him. If his mind was clearer he could try to understand and maybe even empathize with him - but right now all he hears are excuses. Excuses to take lives, attempts to justify himself for all the deaths that he had caused, the suffering he brought onto people. All for the sake of his justice.

But none of that--none of those is justice. There is no justice in senseless murder.]

So? Are you satisfied at what you've done? Can you go to bed at night even after knowing all the lives that you've taken for your own crusade? [Bruce doesn't even have any of these pretty reasons and the pain and death he had caused - even accidentally - haunts him every night, every waking moment. It eats at him, always, the pain and guilt of being who and what he is.] I don't understand how you can still stand here and think that anything you do now can make up for everything that you've already done.

No worries!

[justice_is_blond]

Funny, I think I already answered most of that a few moments ago.

[He's not listening after all. It really was too much to hope. People wanted to be angry, and he's an easy target, right here and present. Forget how much had gone wrong for him to have to act. Forget what else had been done since. Justice is angry, Anders is angry, and he can pretty much feel the anger yet again off--

--Anders takes a step back, eyes going wide. It's not Bruce alone. There's something else there. Bruce is possessed. That's the sense of Fade he's gotten off the man. Not simply a mage, not even a spirit healer, possessed.]

Have you always been in control? Always been satisfied with the choices made by whomever you have when you weren't?

[It's something of a stab in the dark to assume that the spirit in Bruce has taken control, but if Anders can feel its anger it seems a safe guess.]

[amygdalae]

[It should have been a warning, the way Anders reacts to him. But Bruce is too far gone in his anger for now that he doesn't even realize it; all he feels now is rage, rage for what Anders has done, for all the lives lost, all the hurt he's caused. For what it had done to Bruce, because if it wasn't for Anders then he wouldn't have...]

You don't get to ask questions. You're the one who went out killing people, going out to hurt them, make them bleed--

[And now he wants to do the same back to Anders. To make him feel that same pain. To make him know--

With a snarl Bruce raises up one of his clenched fists and swings it towards Anders, attempting to sock him right in the jaw. He swings it as hard as it can so if it does hit, its sure to hurt and leave quite a mark on him.]

[justice_is_blond]

[Not a spirit.

The realization hits him and freezes him, unable to dodge, because Bruce is held by Rage. There's a flash of pain when Bruce connects and it's enough for Anders to snap out of it and just barely cling to control while casting to fling Bruce backward. If Justice comes out now, one of them is going to die because the Spirit won't stop, and Rage is unrelenting.

A barrier spell follows that one, as well as a paralysis glyph, left glowing brightly, right between the two of them. If Bruce, Rage, charges forward, they'll be stopped. Then he's healing, needing to get the pain down if he wants to walk away. Even if he 'wins' a fight against Rage, his life will be over and he'll be executed. Anders absolutely cannot afford this battle.]

So you're going to hurt me, Rage? Because obviously the answer to pain is to cause pain back? Does that sit well with you, Bruce? Are you fine with that?

[How is he not completely an abomination? Demons twist and destroy. Was Bruce first possessed by some sort of spirit of Patience? Is this some variation of Anders' future, whatever is left of it?]

/crawls back in

[amygdalae]

[The spell takes Bruce by surprise and he's thrown back without any warning - his back connects with a tree and it does hurt, and that pain only fuels the anger inside of it. It hurts and he needs to get rid of it, to destroy it and to crush--

Its then Anders speaks and the words that he says is enough to bring Bruce back to his senses.

Bruce pauses in his attempt of getting back onto his feet; his back is still against the tree he had crashed against, leaning against it for support this time. He raises his head to look at the other and even from this distance its easy enough to see the toxic green glow over his eyes that's now slowly fading away.]

... [Bruce doesn't speak for a while - doesn't really know what to say, to be entirely honest - but he finds his voice after a moment and attempts to say something anyway.] You should be asking that question to yourself.

[The anger, at least, seems to have burned out for now, but his voice is rough and hoarse and perhaps just a little bit tired.]

[justice_is_blond]

I do.

[There's a lot of tension in his voice, and it's part fury, part fighting to keep control despite the demon standing right ahead of them. Not like this. He won't die when he's just survived despite the odds being desperately against him.]

Every damn day. But you've rage inside you so you can't tell me that you don't understand. That you don't deal with it. That you've never done something. You came out here, worked yourself up this close to Skyhold, knowing that if we both lost control we could potentially knock a hole in the wall or worse, and you're daring to question me?

[He needs to breathe, needs to calm down, and the words help even if they likely don't help the overall situation.]

You are an idiot.

[amygdalae]

Look who's talking.

[Of course Bruce understands. Not just because of what's inside of him, but from everything that he's experienced. So many times he's been hurt and betrayed by people he trusted, people he admired, people he looked up to. So many times he's been broken until Bruce isn't even sure if there are any pieces left of him at all.

There's nothing else left of him now besides the demon that he's stuck with, a curse he never asked for but got anything. The price of trying to do something that shouldn't have been touched at all. The weight of that sin hangs over him every single day.

But still, he moves on. He moves on because he's tried to stop before and knows that he can't.]

And I have it under control. [As much as Anders may not believe it, it is the truth - if Bruce couldn't handle it he wouldn't have joined the Inquisition all the way back then. He would have put a lot of distance between them not even dared to be anywhere near them. He hasn't had any incidents for well over a year now and he doesn't intend on breaking that streak.] Much more than you have, at any rate.

[It's a cheap shot and Bruce will feel bad about it later but right now he's still close enough to his anger to feel it justified.]

[justice_is_blond]

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. I saw your eyes. And if I'd not thrown you, you would have done more than punch.

[Punch hard, too. There'd been the demon in the attack, Anders is pretty sure. Mortals don't tend to swing like that. He has some experience there.]

You gripe about me wanting to hurt people when I didn't, I simply wanted to save what I could, and you pulled me out deliberately wanting to hurt me. Everything you accuse me of is your reality. I came here and my control's been good enough that not a single person has been injured. You? You've at least hurt me. You don't get to judge me.

[This is someone who ought to understand, who ought to have some sort of grasp of what the struggle is, and he's condemning Anders? It makes Anders all the more angry, all the more frustrated, all the more wounded. A demon. A bloody demon, and Rage, no less. It couldn't be... he doesn't know. Something not as violent. Desire, maybe? Not that it matters.

Anders straightens his robes and pulls his staff off his back, just in case. Rage is unpredictable in the extreme. He'd prefer to be ready, to find some way to knock the demon and man out, rather than be startled and risk dying.]

Leave. Before I tell the Grey Wardens you attacked me.

+50 rivalry points

[amygdalae]

[Anders' response in a way is a straight punch to the gut. In a way he can't deny the truth of what the other is saying, even though he certainly doesn't know the whole story. But then again--isn't that the same in return? Bruce doesn't know Anders whole story either, for as much as Tale of the Champion can provide its only part of Anders' life. He was something else before, somebody before Kirkwall. Before... all of this.

Remembering that brings Bruce back down from his anger entirely, the flames burning out and replaced with a weariness that's all too familiar to him. He honestly wished of all the people he could possibly relate to, that it wouldn't be Anders. But that's reality and it has never been very kind to him.

Bruce straightens up properly, the glow of his eyes now completely gone, nothing that could ever indicate the monster that dwells inside of him. Nothing except the twist of his lips and the displeased look on his face, although Bruce smooths those out quickly too.

There are many things he could easily say here, so many low blows and even more cheap shots, but Bruce knows none of those will do anything but worsen the situation. So he just remains silent, only giving Anders one more glare and then takes his leave.

He could apologize, he knows, but he also knows that no apologies is going to fix what's clearly broken between them. So he doesn't even bother to try.]