faderift | [Closed] This isn't even my final form

He's been fairly quiet on the ride out of Emprise du Lion, keeping his head down, lost in his thoughts. What is there left to say or do, really? But a shift in the riding order winds up with him next to Sam, and Anders looks over with some regret. It would be nice to watch a spirit healer develop outside of the cage of the Circles, find out what all he could become without those shackles, but he's not likely to get that chance. At least they can talk, though.

"Emprise seemed to go... well enough." It's not the greatest start to a conversation ever, but considering how heavy Anders is feeling right now, he's pretty pleased by it.

Sam is very much lost in his own thoughts as well, eyes a bit distant as he stares forward at nothing in particular, keeping the minimum amount of awareness to at least not fall off his horse. It's only hearing a voice speak up to his side that has him blinking and turning to regard the other person.

For a moment he doesn't say anything, mind repeating the words so that he can catch up, but eventually he does smile, albeit a bit sheepishly at being so slow to respond. "I suppose it could have been a lot worse," he says in agreement. "Kind of hoping there is going to be a bit of a reprieve when we get back."

He can't really blame anyone for zoning out. Trips by horse are long, awkward, and boring. Plus there's soreness too from the saddle, and Anders almost wishes he could walk. Almost. It's nice to not have to walk.

"A reprieve would be nice," he says. He won't get one. He'll make sure of that. But dreaming... there's a little time left for dreaming. "Will you truly have one? You were talking spirits just the other day. I can't imagine that you plan on a relaxing week or two instead of moving forward."

Picking is scary, but exciting.

He sighs at that, bringing a hand up from the reins to rub at his neck tiredly. "As much as I would like to do just that, take some time to do nothing and just relax... I can't bring myself to really do so. After all this it's clear I need to be better. Also if I wait I'll just end up worrying about it more or questioning things. Best to get it done when I'm sure of it."

"That's the way to approach a great many things." Resigned is the best way to describe how he feels. At least the conversation can sound like they're only talking about Sam. "You know what you're doing, you're ready, and holding off too much longer will only let doubt and fear set in... which could make the task far more difficult. You want to go in with a clear mind, because anything else will draw attention you don't want."

He pauses, and looks directly over at Sam. "You've been Harrowed? Flung into the Fade where they know there's a demon and they're hoping it kills you? It won't be that bad. But no part of the Fade is as empty as it looks, and doubting yourself may hinder you."

It's time to start ignoring the rules about not talking about harrowing. Mages need to be prepared and aware so they can live without fear holding them back.

He sighs as that. "Yes, I've been Harrowed - some years ago. I wouldn't say they were hoping a demon got me, actually rather glad I passed." The Templars in Ostwick followed the same rules as everywhere else, but it was still different and he had friends among a few of them. Even so he hadn't enjoyed being a prisoner or forced into something like that, but that was because of the Chantry wasn't it?

"It's very similar to a Harrowing though isn't it? Being sent across the Veil to find a creature of the Fade? There's never a guarantee that there isn't going to be a demon."

There's a few moments of quiet before Anders comes back to himself enough to nod.

"Sorry. I forget sometimes that there were a few Templars who joined because they believed and wanted to help. Glad that someone passed..." He shakes his head. "For your questions, similar, yes. But from what I gather, harrowings are directed. They try to make sure there's a demon present. Whereas with searching for a spirit to work with you may find nothing, you may find spirits who are entirely indisposed toward healing, or you could find a demon or a helpful spirit."

Anders takes a breath. "I've heard of spirit healers finding nothing the first few times, but most often, contact is made. The Fade is vast, but a mortal out there, searching, draws attention. And as you're no scared novice, most demons aren't interested in a fight. Temptation, certainly. Combat, no."

Similar but different; at least he was being given a choice to do this. "In the Circle, were spirit healers forced to go and find a spirit?" He was being trained to be one, but seeing as he hadn't finished it in the Circle he didn't know.

"So I suspect that there is a chance that a demon can show up and try to tempt me, or possibly trick me while I'm looking for my spirit?" Not a pleasant thought to be thinking about, not right before considering going through the test, but something he had to consider.

"I don't know how it was done in every Circle. For myself, yes." The only reason they'd kept him alive after his escape attempt was because of the promise he'd shown when it came to healing. Therefore, the sooner they could get him a spirit (or possessed and executed,) the better. He'd always been an object in Kinloch Hold, and a resented one at that.

"And yes. There is a chance. But you're fully informed. You know what to do. If something doesn't make sense, if point a does not directly lead to point b, stop, regather yourself. Better that you return empty-handed and need a second try than otherwise. I don't have to repeat how bad possession is."

The thought makes Justice bristle, and Anders doesn't even bother calming the spirit down. None of them really like the situation they're in. It's not good for either. There is no possession that he's known of that was purely beneficial, despite the rumors swirling around about Wynne.

Sam frowns at that. That didn't make it sound much better than a Harrowing at all, but he supposes there was still having the choice in spirit and not being sent to fight a demon that did make it better.

"No you don't." He already knows how bad a possession could be. The last thing he wants is to stop being himself, and hurting others, especially those close to him. He'll have to be sure to repeat this all for Christine since he knows the woman is planning on going through with it herself at some point.

"I'll just have to stay positive and keep my wits about me then. After all the things that happened in Emprise it's clear I need to get a bit better."

"What went wrong in Emprise?" There's a beat before he shakes his head. "If it's something personal, there's no need to answer. ...Or if you simply don't want to answer. My curiosity is sharper than my mind, sometimes."

"On the other topic, you're older than when you were last in the Fade. You've more experience. You'll manage this." It's also not like Sam's being pushed into this too soon, or too young. He's had time, and he's making the choice. Anders just wishes he could be around to see the man succeed. At least Adelaide will, and she'll have someone who is honest to be her equal and contemporary.

"It may not mean much, as I've only known you for a couple of months, but I believe you're ready."

"Nothing went wrong, but there were certainly some rough spots here and there that having a spirit to help with some of my spells would've been nice." The fights had just been long and rough, and rather taxing by the end of it all.

"Thanks, Deflet, that means a lot. I feel ready, just..." There's a pause, his hands fiddling with the reins of his horse for a moment as he tries to figure what he's trying to say. "I've just been spending so much time getting to this point, and now I'm actually there. Now that it's going to happen I'm just a bundle of nerves." Did that make sense?

"Of course." His expression goes wry as he looks over the distance. "There's only so much preparation you can do, and then when the first move is made everything can happen very quickly. It's almost like going into a battle. There's a plan, but that never lasts long aside from the broad strokes."

Much like what he's heading into, really.

"But I've faith in you. And more importantly, Adelaide has faith in you. Though if you've any last-minute questions, like what not to eat before going into the Fade for this, now is the time to ask."

It was always one battle after another wasn't it?

"What not to eat? I think the plan was to do it rather early in the morning so that there weren't many people around. Don't think I'm planning on eating much that early. Should I consider what I eat the night before?" Yet more things he had not considered.

"...speaking of... you and Adelaide seem to be getting rather close."

Anders closes his eyes and looks away abruptly before shaking his head, still not facing Sam again.

"Seemed. Past tense." It hurts, but he can't blame her whatsoever for her reaction. Every bit of it was deserved. And the pain another sign of how he'd lost sight of... everything. Reality, how things always go, what his priorities should be. He shouldn't have been that weak. "My fault, her choice, and let's not discuss that further."

There's no request there.

"The other, the eating, was mostly a joke, but it doesn't hurt to not eat something too spicy the night before. Or to avoid getting drunk." His voice is not as friendly as he could wish, but he's trying.

Sam blinks at the reaction, eyes widening just a bit at the follow-up response. "Oh... I'm sorry..." If he had known that something had happened he wouldn't have brought it up. He doesn't know what Deflet means by 'his fault', but it must have been something big to have upset Adelaide for the two of them to be on bad terms now.

Just what happened? But he won't bring it up again.

"Yeah... I don't think I'll do much drinking before..." The conversation certainly did feel awkward now, and he honestly cannot blame Detlef for not being as enthusiastic now. "Not that there is a whole lot that I enjoy drinking."

"It's all right. You didn't know." And that was the point. It was the not-knowing that was going to hurt so many. He doesn't like it, but there's nothing he can do at this point. This is what it means to be near him. Pain. And a pain none of them asked for, as well.

Anders takes a breath, trying to regain a better mood.

"I'm sorry," he finally says. "I don't mean to be bad company. And an eight-hour break between consuming anything and the trying itself should be fine. Otherwise I think you've got everything you need."

Sam takes in a long breath as well then releases it in a huff. "No. You aren't bad company, you shouldn't apologize for that. I just seem to be in the luck of asking others about their relationships when they've gone south."

Everything he needed huh? "Guess all I'll need to do is actually get some sleep beforehand."

He shakes his head, accepting Sam's luck and denying the bad company bit. It's not the guy's fault. It's Anders'. If only he could explain... but he can't.

"If you can get sleep, I'll be surprised and impressed. And if you can't, you'll be like every spirit healer before you, likely. Keeping your mind relaxed will be enough for some rest."

He nods, but after a bit Sam cannot help but snort as an amused smile pulls at his lips. "Guess I could always ask Korrin if she has anymore of that drink. That would certainly knock me out." He won't, but that doesn't change that it is a tiny bit humorous. They needed to talk about better things, not get depressed.

"Or you could ask her to punch you. It could be effective, but there could be unforeseen repercussions. ...Or entirely foreseen ones. Let's not choose that option." He takes a breath and manages a small smile for Sam.

"Seeing as I did recommend not drinking heavily, perhaps don't consult Korrin. And I'd offer to loan my kitten, but she's only calming on her schedule." His hand drops down to the belt pouch Purrelden is currently in, and he opens it to check if she's awake. A paw grabs hold of his fingers which gets a stronger smile before he's pulling the kitten out and placing her on his shoulder.

"I could, but honestly I don't think she would." He offers a larger smile in return, glad to see that some humor was coming back to the conversation.

And then there is suddenly a kitten. It's so sudden and... there that Sam can only blink at the ball of fuzz now sitting on the man's shoulders. "Wait, you brought a kitten to Emprise du Lion?" And kept it in a belt pouch?

Edited 2016-03-17 06:34 (UTC)

"Of course. What else would I do, leave her alone back in Skyhold? Emprise du Lion isn't the worst place I've taken a cat." She settles in, seemingly content for now though that can change in an instant. She's a cat, after all.

"And I'm not hauling some big dog around. I'm no Fereldan."

'Not the worst place,' he says. That is more than a bit mildly concerning to know, which is probably a bit obvious on his face. "There was no one at Skyhold that could have watched her?"

He snorts lightly at the dig at Fereldens. "I'm sure a big dog is quite able to haul itself around. Kind of the point."

He considers the question as she decides she's not settled in and starts kneading at his neck. Gently he guides her paws downward, to his coat-covered shoulder, before shaking his head.

"It's entirely possible someone would not have minded. But who is to say they'd stay at Skyhold, without orders? Who is to say they wouldn't have had business come up? There's a thousand things that could have happened, and as I care about the Hero of Purrelden and I can't expect anyone else to, she's better off with... agh. Me." Claws again. She is not helping him make his point.

"It's not like she's a burden. And in time she'll be trained and now how to help out."

[Closed] This isn't even my final form

For SAM

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