faderift | [Closed] This isn't even my final form

He's scared.

Resigned, guilty, accepting... and terrified. Bringing Nate along to look with him for Hercules or Kaidan is a cowardly move, but he's doing it anyway because it means there's no way to run now. Things are in motion. At least this time, as he sets off what may be a chain of events, it's likely no one else will die.

Up ahead is a man fitting the description he's been given, and after a confirmation glance at Nathaniel, Anders approaches.

"Warden Hercules, I believe?"

He's been fairly quiet on the ride out of Emprise du Lion, keeping his head down, lost in his thoughts. What is there left to say or do, really? But a shift in the riding order winds up with him next to Sam, and Anders looks over with some regret. It would be nice to watch a spirit healer develop outside of the cage of the Circles, find out what all he could become without those shackles, but he's not likely to get that chance. At least they can talk, though.

"Emprise seemed to go... well enough." It's not the greatest start to a conversation ever, but considering how heavy Anders is feeling right now, he's pretty pleased by it.

Knowing what he's going to do hasn't exactly made things easier, just more straightforward in some ways. Unfortunately, he has no clue how to approach the people he's come to like and has lied to. That Alayre is a Templar makes it all the more complicated. Anders can't tell him everything, or really much at all.

His life would be so much simpler if every Templar was a mage-murdering, heartless bastard, really.

"You're feeling well again?" At least he can operate under the guise of checking up on the man's health before departing.

He's been holding on to these herbs almost as if they were a lifeline. The thought of actually having one more task to complete has helped get him back to Skyhold instead of revert back to the older instincts that suggested he run. Delivering them, setting the basket on the table next to Bruce, feels extremely final.

"These are some of what we collected in Emprise. They... Well. I'm certain you know their uses." He doesn't need to instruct. Bruce is very competent. Anders just doesn't want to leave the tent quite yet.

There isn't any finding Merrill. One either runs into her, or they don't. ...Or they trip over her twine and wind up with scraped hands and annoyance. Thankfully, this isn't one of those days. He comes across Merrill among the tents.

"So do you know where you are? Because I'm going to assume you're lost. It seems like a safe way to save time." For once there's no barb in his voice. He's never minded her habit of getting lost. With anyone who wasn't a blood mage it might even be endearing, but he'll deny that thought forever.

Edited 2016-02-25 00:45 (UTC)

By the time he's back in their room, he's exhausted. Almost all of his few things are taken care of, just in case, but there's still a pillow and an earring in his pack, a bedroll on the floor that he's sitting on, and his cat and her sandbox and toys. Nate will take the cat, he knows this. The bedroll doesn't matter. The other two things... He's tried giving one away once. It hadn't worked then, and he doesn't think it will work now.

The pack's set on the corner and he takes a deep breath, wondering if he has the strength to find and speak with anyone else, when the door opens. Nate walks in, and Anders gives him a small, tight smile.

"You're still, still good with taking Purrelden, right?"

Everything's packed, but he still has plenty of time and more than a little nervous energy. And one obligation. Anders heads for Adelaide's tent with some trepidation. He owes her more than he's told anyone else here, but he's not sure he has the courage for this.

Once outside her tent, Anders clears his throat. "Adelaide? Are you busy?"

The unannounced visit caught Alayre offguard but the mage isn't unwelcomed. "Detlef." He greeted the healer with a slight grin. While he's certainly feeling much better now, Alayre still looked quite fatigued. He placed himself in a rather precarious position as of late by unjustly accusing the Inquisition of "ungodliness". So imagine the stress.

"Much better thanks to you." He said with a smile. "What brings you here? Thought I ran off to find more trouble?" Alayre wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. He's been sticking to the camp as of late after getting yanked off the battlefield. Alayre needed time to settle "greviances" before doing anything else. He made one too many enemies as of late, some within the Order itself.

"What's a matter?" Alayre's expression changed a bit. "You seem...unhappy."

Edited 2016-02-25 00:57 (UTC)

This might be the simplest talk he needs to have today. It also might not be. He's not sure how well it will go, but he does know the Elf needs a head's up.

With a little regret that this won't be a visit for more pleasant things, and a little more for the fact that there might not be any more pleasant things at all, Anders knocks on Zevran's door. His head is down and he's not calling out - if Fenris is nearby (entirely possible,) this would be some of the worst timing possible to run into him.

"Detlef?" She flips the tent flap open, peering out into the chill. He's never simply waited unless the lantern showing she had a patient was up; and sometimes not even then. "Get in before we lose all the heat, yes?"

Busy, she is always busy as of late; Council concerns, student concerns, Inquisition concerns, her notes on the Shards and those that wear them, her private research about spirits that has borne some absurd fruit, and her latest bout of hammering away at something old and new; the notes and now empty vial of her blood scattered on her makeshift desk.

"Of course." Nathaniel approaches him and wraps his arms around him tightly, tucking his head beneath his chin.

"But I won't be. You're going to be fine."

"Mm. Preoccupied, a little." Very unhappy, actually, but the times he's been happy in his life are very few and far in between. "I'm heading back to Skyhold shortly and wanted to make some rounds before we left."

He shrugs and takes a seat, trying to make it seem like he's not heading in to what may be the end.

"Some personal matters need to be addressed and I'm not looking forward to them. But I'm not here to talk about that." Because 'hi, I'm the mage probably most wanted by the Templars' probably wouldn't go over well.

"I am here to make sure you didn't get crushed again, yes." Anders manages a small smile. He can do this, at least. "There's been a lot going on and you don't exactly strike me as the most... how shall I put it? Prudent, perhaps, on the field. Cautious. That sort of thing."

"Of course." Her quick words had him darting in hastily, and a little bit of lightness reaches his expression.

"I simply didn't know if I'd be intruding or not. I'm heading back to..." There's blood on the inside of the vial on her desk, and he can't help but look at her covered arms as if searching for cuts. Surely she--no. No, she wouldn't. He knows her. She's no blood mage, and she won't be one. Anders looks away from her arms and shakes his head.

"Sorry. Another thing they've trained into us, isn't it. See blood near a mage, wonder."

"Skyhold?" But his attention is wandering to-

Ah. That. She rolls back her sleeves despite the cold and turns them about to satisfy him. The thin line on her thumb- it didn't call for much, this ritual- newly healed would be difficult to see in the dim light but it is not something she is going to deny. "The one blood ritual the Circles approved of, or at least insisted upon. Or rather an attempt at it."

Something new based on something old. "I haven't gotten it quite right just yet. Takes too much time for too little results. If I had more space and more information perhaps I could have the right of it."

It's so hard to have faith. At every critical turn in his life, things have gone wrong. The only exception is when he was made a Warden, but how long did that last before it went downhill? Anders leans into the hug for a moment before shaking his head and pulling a little back. He wants the comfort, but he's worried about how the inevitable is going to hurt the few friends he has. Nate cares. He shouldn't.

"I think I've forgotten how to be optimistic. But I'm glad you haven't." Despite how this might be goodbye. "You've been..."

He trails off. Words aren't easy, and it feels a little too final if he talks about Nate right now. "Well. I've everything in order. That should be useful. Mm. I suppose all that's left is... doing." And yet he's not getting up yet.

He blinks at her as he follows the words. They make sense on their own, but for several moments they make none together. Then it clicks, and he steps backward in surprise and denial.

"Phylacteries? You're in here trying to make phylacteries? Why?" How could she possibly think this is a good idea? They'd spoken so much about fear, he thought she was on board with not wanting to go back, and she's trying to copy the way they tracked and chased down mages? His heart pounds, and he can feel Justice's anger rising. There has to be a reason, there has to, but how can there be?

"Are you busy?" It's a gentle sort of question as he joins Kaisa near the tents. It's been a greater comfort than he can ever express to have had friends here who knew him and were fine with that, and if somehow this doesn't all go wrong... Except he can't really think about that. Hope never pays off. He needs to be patient and simply see what happens, rather than plan for the future.

"I'm headed back to Skyhold, and I wanted to speak with you."

"Anders..."

If he talks about how the worst-case scenario was always true for him up until it wasn't, it will be the wrong thing to say. This isn't about him.

"Remember your friends. You don't have the world stacked against you, not with us. Between us, we have you covered."

"How many Inquisition forces have gone missing? Your friend- had you been able to know where he was on a map rather than having to trail after him, would you not have found him sooner? Whether or not it will work for those that aren't mages is still in question as I've only managed the one-" She reaches into her robes and pulled out a pendant made of clear glass, shaped like a teardrop and hollow save where her blood sits. "Using it for the sake of locating anyone is vague but I have managed to work it so you can tell if I am alive or not."

Frustrated with what little progress she's made- but proud that she's made any at all? She can't help the faint smug edge to her smile. "It is far from perfect. I won't be presenting the research to anyone for at least a year with all the polishing yet required."

Alayre's smile returned. "Ah, so you are making sure I stay put." He chuckles quietly. While the concern is somewhat comforting, Alayre doesn't know how to feel about it. He's a Templar. Dangerous situations were bound to come his way.

"Are you claiming I'm a tad reckless?" He asked curiously with both brows arched high. "Perish the thought! I'm actually quite cautious." Alayre claimed with a slight grin that spoke otherwise.

"Still, I suppose there's some truth to that." Alayre's expression changed a bit. He seems more thoughtful now.

He takes a breath. He's already asked Nate to think about the cost to himself, but it worries Anders. What sort of a friend drags all of their friends down with them? Well. Not all, at least. Everyone he'd known in Kirkwall, certainly, everyone he knows here, possibly, but at least Oghren and Sigrun aren't bogged down by him.

"If something happens and you don't, please remember that I won't blame you at all. There's no accounting for everything, and I don't want you to be weighed down by guilt over something that's not your doing." He made the mess. Well. The Chantry and the Templars made the mess. He made his mess, though.

Anders reaches up to rest a hand on Nate's shoulder. It feels nice to have something concrete there. "If this is the end, it is all right."

"I disagree." People should be allowed their happiness. Anders should be allowed to be happy. "This won't be the end. I promised I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you, and I won't."

Maker. She's wearing it. She's made a phylactery of her own and she's wearing it, and he stares in horror.

"And how many mages would be alive if not for phylacteries used to chase them down? How many would be free rather than broken? How many lives would be better? I can't... I was caught, caught so many times, because of them." She knows about the physical scars he carries, has to know about others' stories, and yet she's proud of what she's finding out. "We found Zevran in time. I've found so many in time."

Not Hawke's mother, though, and if anyone other than Templars would buy these up it would be nobles fearing for their own safety like Leandra. That doesn't change how afraid he is. He's making a move to possibly end his part in the fight for mages, and one of the mages he trusts most is endangering their people.

"I don't know how to live with myself if my survival costs you your life or the life you've made for yourself." Nate has a place and people and friends. To take that away from him would not be the act of a friend. "But I don't want a fight. I don't want to fight. Not with you."

There are things he can do, but he'll have to wait a little before doing them. He'll ask Bethany to look out for Nate, Nate to look out for... Kallian, maybe, her to look after Adelaide, leave a note for Adelaide to look after Varric, and leave something for the Dwarf apologizing and listing those who might be rash. He might be given the time. Supervised visits, or something. He'll find a way.

In the meantime, Anders gently removes Hero of Purrelden from his belt pouch and lets her curl up on his bedroll. She'll be safer here if there's any sort of incident.

"We'll figure this out," he says, and manages to keep the doubt he feels somewhat out of his voice, if not his face as he gets up to his feet. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

"It isn't that- it is and is not that. Phylacteries in Circles- blood is taken from children that do not understand what the purpose is, what it means, or what it costs them. This is intended to be voluntary should I ever get it right. It functions as it should but- the time it took to craft it, the resources involved? It is inefficient. Insufficient for the Inquisition's needs should they choose to have more made for those that want them." It is so terribly easy to divorce herself from his fears- she's never had them. She doesn't have them, with the phylacteries of the White Spire destroyed.

But sitting here and staring into his face...perhaps she's spent more time focusing on whether or not she could- and less on whether or not she should.

"If it is used for more than mages...Context and practice are ugly things in this." Her lips twist and she turns the glass in her fingers. Is it so wrong to want that precaution? "I had only thought to make something that would make it more difficult to lose members of the Inquisition. I considered little else."

[Closed] This isn't even my final form

For HERC

For SAM

For ALAYRE

For BRUCE

For MERRILL

For NATE

For ADELAIDE

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For ZEVRAN

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For KAISA

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