[Closed] This isn't even my final form

[justice_is_blond]

WHO: Anders and close CR
WHAT: Detlef makes his last appearance for some goodbyes in case, Anders gives some warnings, and basically he tries to prepare.
WHEN: Around this time, a little backdated for the ride, but generally 24th-ish
WHERE: Ride back from EDL and in Skyhold
NOTES: Anders.

[ooc: This is various starters for Detlef's end and Anders warning some friends and admitting things to another. If you'd like a starter, ping me at Nadat on plurk and I'll put one together!]

Comments

For NATE

[justice_is_blond]

By the time he's back in their room, he's exhausted. Almost all of his few things are taken care of, just in case, but there's still a pillow and an earring in his pack, a bedroll on the floor that he's sitting on, and his cat and her sandbox and toys. Nate will take the cat, he knows this. The bedroll doesn't matter. The other two things... He's tried giving one away once. It hadn't worked then, and he doesn't think it will work now.

The pack's set on the corner and he takes a deep breath, wondering if he has the strength to find and speak with anyone else, when the door opens. Nate walks in, and Anders gives him a small, tight smile.

"You're still, still good with taking Purrelden, right?"

[pinprick]

"Of course." Nathaniel approaches him and wraps his arms around him tightly, tucking his head beneath his chin.

"But I won't be. You're going to be fine."

[justice_is_blond]

It's so hard to have faith. At every critical turn in his life, things have gone wrong. The only exception is when he was made a Warden, but how long did that last before it went downhill? Anders leans into the hug for a moment before shaking his head and pulling a little back. He wants the comfort, but he's worried about how the inevitable is going to hurt the few friends he has. Nate cares. He shouldn't.

"I think I've forgotten how to be optimistic. But I'm glad you haven't." Despite how this might be goodbye. "You've been..."

He trails off. Words aren't easy, and it feels a little too final if he talks about Nate right now. "Well. I've everything in order. That should be useful. Mm. I suppose all that's left is... doing." And yet he's not getting up yet.

[pinprick]

"Anders..."

If he talks about how the worst-case scenario was always true for him up until it wasn't, it will be the wrong thing to say. This isn't about him.

"Remember your friends. You don't have the world stacked against you, not with us. Between us, we have you covered."

[justice_is_blond]

He takes a breath. He's already asked Nate to think about the cost to himself, but it worries Anders. What sort of a friend drags all of their friends down with them? Well. Not all, at least. Everyone he'd known in Kirkwall, certainly, everyone he knows here, possibly, but at least Oghren and Sigrun aren't bogged down by him.

"If something happens and you don't, please remember that I won't blame you at all. There's no accounting for everything, and I don't want you to be weighed down by guilt over something that's not your doing." He made the mess. Well. The Chantry and the Templars made the mess. He made his mess, though.

Anders reaches up to rest a hand on Nate's shoulder. It feels nice to have something concrete there. "If this is the end, it is all right."

[pinprick]

"I disagree." People should be allowed their happiness. Anders should be allowed to be happy. "This won't be the end. I promised I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you, and I won't."

[justice_is_blond]

"I don't know how to live with myself if my survival costs you your life or the life you've made for yourself." Nate has a place and people and friends. To take that away from him would not be the act of a friend. "But I don't want a fight. I don't want to fight. Not with you."

There are things he can do, but he'll have to wait a little before doing them. He'll ask Bethany to look out for Nate, Nate to look out for... Kallian, maybe, her to look after Adelaide, leave a note for Adelaide to look after Varric, and leave something for the Dwarf apologizing and listing those who might be rash. He might be given the time. Supervised visits, or something. He'll find a way.

In the meantime, Anders gently removes Hero of Purrelden from his belt pouch and lets her curl up on his bedroll. She'll be safer here if there's any sort of incident.

"We'll figure this out," he says, and manages to keep the doubt he feels somewhat out of his voice, if not his face as he gets up to his feet. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

[pinprick]

"I haven't done a single illegal thing," Nathaniel reminds him gently. "There is no manner of ruin you can visit upon me that I haven't already accepted. I haven't had a reputation that wasn't in tatters in ten years. Don't worry about me."

He moves in to give Anders one last hug.

"Let me come with you."

[justice_is_blond]

"I've done the illegal things, and you're moving to support me," Anders reminds him. "That will be excuse enough for plenty."

But Nate has made his choice, clearly, and if he's at peace with it then Anders will accept it for now. The hug is returned after a moment. If he gives into it too much he might lose his courage, his resolve, but for a few seconds he enjoys the warmth and companionship it offers. He's not alone in this.

"Walk with me if you're sure. It shouldn't take too much time to find Hercules or Kaidan."

[pinprick]

Anders' hair smells so nice. It makes it just that much harder to let him go, but he does after a few seconds.

"I'm sure. You won't be alone."

He almost asks if Anders is sure he wants to do this now. But it ought to be now, if Anders has decided so. Asking for a few more hours with him would be selfish, and undermine what Anders has decided for himself.

[justice_is_blond]

The part of him that is human wants to prolong this and avoid it for every minute that he can. The part that is spirit is ready for matters to move forward, and as he knows it's for the best in the long run, Justice wins this one. With a shaky breath and a nod, Anders heads for the door and opens it, heading out and trusting Nate to follow and close the door before the cat got out.

He won't be alone. He has one comfort in all of this, and it is that.

"Thank you," he says quietly, possibly quietly enough to be missed because he's not sure if he wants it heard or not.

LATER

[justice_is_blond]

They've left the tower, and Anders is still in shock. Yes, Bethany and Nathaniel had been convinced he'd be protected, but he'd never risked actually hoping. How could he? His life has been a story of how everything that could go wrong, did. And yet he still might have a future.

Once they reach their room, the first thing Anders does is scoop up his kitten. The second, and no less important matter, is him turning to Nathaniel and shaking his head.

"I... I can't remember the last time something didn't backfire."

[pinprick]

"Something had to go right eventually." Nathaniel sits and rests his elbows on his knees. "Although I suppose that's what gambling men say while they're losing everything they have. How do you feel?"

[justice_is_blond]

"Like a gambling man who expected to lose all he had and then didn't." He sinks down too, shaking his head. "I don't know how that happened. Mind, I'm not complaining. But I spent all of today and part of yesterday on farewells and now I'm not... gone."

Granted, they're taking this to the advisors next, which could still spell his death, but it's been postponed.

"Shock. That's the word for it."

[pinprick]

"I agree." Nathaniel touches their shoulders together, and oddly, he finds himself comforted by it. All his promises, though they had ultimately meant nothing either way, had become predictions which came true. But it could easily have gone the other way, and he would have failed yet another person.

"I've had it happen a couple of times. Turn around, and you're...suddenly living someone else's life. It's a while before it starts to feel like yours again."

[justice_is_blond]

He's always been comforted by little touches, signs that someone else sees him as human too, and the contact from Nate is just as helpful to him. Despite that, Nate's comment gets a short laugh from Anders before he's got that back under control.

"Maker. I'm not even sure I've ever been free to live my own life. Imagine how I'd mess up someone else's."

Imagine if he got to live his own life. That's not a thing that will happen, though, unless somehow they find a way for Justice to heal, or to return to the Fade, or... well. He doesn't know. But he's an abomination. Even ignoring the Calling and the fact that he's once again a Grey Warden, his life is not his alone.

[pinprick]

"You were free to have your own life, once." Then you gave it away to a spirit of Justice. "But it was taken away. Now, it'll be real."

Nathaniel rubs Anders' back soothingly, turning his words over in his mind.

"A lot of Wardens will understand. Give you time. Not everyone's towers are literal."

[justice_is_blond]

He bows his head forward as Nate rubs his back. There's still a lot of tension in it, but at least he's taken the hardest step, the first one.

"True. I didn't mind the life of a farmboy. Just the chores." Then the Templars had come, and then they'd never stopped coming. A few months had been good, though, when Cousland had been around. ...And they were trekking through the marsh. Maybe good wasn't the word for it. His. A few months had been his.

"You know, if they no longer want me in the healing tents, I could always milk the cows. Between Wardeny things. Seeing as the motion is just grab and stroke firmly, I believe I'm still in practice."

While barely there, his voice does have a trace of humor in it.

[pinprick]

A bubble of laughter from Nathaniel.

"Your skill set will be of great value in the Wardens. Witty quips and...milking. But it'll be good to have you. You've been missed."

[justice_is_blond]

"I do like to be of service. The had part depends on the person doing the having, really."

He's always used humor as a defense and as a way to recover, but this isn't just that. The joking around is also like feeling air in one's lungs after holding their breath for a long time.

"And the missed part also depends on who is missing. I most enjoy it when Templars miss me."

[pinprick]

"I missed you." Nathaniel smiles faintly. "Whatever it counts for. Nobody's been quite the pain in my arse you were."

[justice_is_blond]

"You're making this far too easy, Nate." He gives Nathaniel the smallest smile back in return. "Service, having, pain the arse, one might think you were flirting. Then again, I'm fairly certain no one in the Inquisition is... Mm. I was going to say foolish enough to flirt with me, but then there's Zevran and Isabela and I'd not call them foolish. Foolhardy, perhaps."

[pinprick]

"Not flirting, exactly, but I have to leave something for you to make fun of. Consider it a massive growth on my part, that I can do that nowadays."

[justice_is_blond]

Now the smile reaches his eyes.

"So you were having trouble getting a massive growth before, or sustaining it? You should have said something. I'm a healer."

[pinprick]

This is why Nathaniel keeps doing this. It's like leaving crumbs out in a line to lure a mouse into a trap, except the trap is having fun.

A grunt. "I have no trouble keeping it massive. Thank you for keeping the word 'massive' in there, by the by."