[Closed] This isn't even my final form

[justice_is_blond]

WHO: Anders and close CR
WHAT: Detlef makes his last appearance for some goodbyes in case, Anders gives some warnings, and basically he tries to prepare.
WHEN: Around this time, a little backdated for the ride, but generally 24th-ish
WHERE: Ride back from EDL and in Skyhold
NOTES: Anders.

[ooc: This is various starters for Detlef's end and Anders warning some friends and admitting things to another. If you'd like a starter, ping me at Nadat on plurk and I'll put one together!]

Comments

[pinprick]

"I haven't done a single illegal thing," Nathaniel reminds him gently. "There is no manner of ruin you can visit upon me that I haven't already accepted. I haven't had a reputation that wasn't in tatters in ten years. Don't worry about me."

He moves in to give Anders one last hug.

"Let me come with you."

[justice_is_blond]

"I've done the illegal things, and you're moving to support me," Anders reminds him. "That will be excuse enough for plenty."

But Nate has made his choice, clearly, and if he's at peace with it then Anders will accept it for now. The hug is returned after a moment. If he gives into it too much he might lose his courage, his resolve, but for a few seconds he enjoys the warmth and companionship it offers. He's not alone in this.

"Walk with me if you're sure. It shouldn't take too much time to find Hercules or Kaidan."

[pinprick]

Anders' hair smells so nice. It makes it just that much harder to let him go, but he does after a few seconds.

"I'm sure. You won't be alone."

He almost asks if Anders is sure he wants to do this now. But it ought to be now, if Anders has decided so. Asking for a few more hours with him would be selfish, and undermine what Anders has decided for himself.

[justice_is_blond]

The part of him that is human wants to prolong this and avoid it for every minute that he can. The part that is spirit is ready for matters to move forward, and as he knows it's for the best in the long run, Justice wins this one. With a shaky breath and a nod, Anders heads for the door and opens it, heading out and trusting Nate to follow and close the door before the cat got out.

He won't be alone. He has one comfort in all of this, and it is that.

"Thank you," he says quietly, possibly quietly enough to be missed because he's not sure if he wants it heard or not.

LATER

[justice_is_blond]

They've left the tower, and Anders is still in shock. Yes, Bethany and Nathaniel had been convinced he'd be protected, but he'd never risked actually hoping. How could he? His life has been a story of how everything that could go wrong, did. And yet he still might have a future.

Once they reach their room, the first thing Anders does is scoop up his kitten. The second, and no less important matter, is him turning to Nathaniel and shaking his head.

"I... I can't remember the last time something didn't backfire."

[pinprick]

"Something had to go right eventually." Nathaniel sits and rests his elbows on his knees. "Although I suppose that's what gambling men say while they're losing everything they have. How do you feel?"

[justice_is_blond]

"Like a gambling man who expected to lose all he had and then didn't." He sinks down too, shaking his head. "I don't know how that happened. Mind, I'm not complaining. But I spent all of today and part of yesterday on farewells and now I'm not... gone."

Granted, they're taking this to the advisors next, which could still spell his death, but it's been postponed.

"Shock. That's the word for it."

[pinprick]

"I agree." Nathaniel touches their shoulders together, and oddly, he finds himself comforted by it. All his promises, though they had ultimately meant nothing either way, had become predictions which came true. But it could easily have gone the other way, and he would have failed yet another person.

"I've had it happen a couple of times. Turn around, and you're...suddenly living someone else's life. It's a while before it starts to feel like yours again."

[justice_is_blond]

He's always been comforted by little touches, signs that someone else sees him as human too, and the contact from Nate is just as helpful to him. Despite that, Nate's comment gets a short laugh from Anders before he's got that back under control.

"Maker. I'm not even sure I've ever been free to live my own life. Imagine how I'd mess up someone else's."

Imagine if he got to live his own life. That's not a thing that will happen, though, unless somehow they find a way for Justice to heal, or to return to the Fade, or... well. He doesn't know. But he's an abomination. Even ignoring the Calling and the fact that he's once again a Grey Warden, his life is not his alone.

[pinprick]

"You were free to have your own life, once." Then you gave it away to a spirit of Justice. "But it was taken away. Now, it'll be real."

Nathaniel rubs Anders' back soothingly, turning his words over in his mind.

"A lot of Wardens will understand. Give you time. Not everyone's towers are literal."

[justice_is_blond]

He bows his head forward as Nate rubs his back. There's still a lot of tension in it, but at least he's taken the hardest step, the first one.

"True. I didn't mind the life of a farmboy. Just the chores." Then the Templars had come, and then they'd never stopped coming. A few months had been good, though, when Cousland had been around. ...And they were trekking through the marsh. Maybe good wasn't the word for it. His. A few months had been his.

"You know, if they no longer want me in the healing tents, I could always milk the cows. Between Wardeny things. Seeing as the motion is just grab and stroke firmly, I believe I'm still in practice."

While barely there, his voice does have a trace of humor in it.

[pinprick]

A bubble of laughter from Nathaniel.

"Your skill set will be of great value in the Wardens. Witty quips and...milking. But it'll be good to have you. You've been missed."

[justice_is_blond]

"I do like to be of service. The had part depends on the person doing the having, really."

He's always used humor as a defense and as a way to recover, but this isn't just that. The joking around is also like feeling air in one's lungs after holding their breath for a long time.

"And the missed part also depends on who is missing. I most enjoy it when Templars miss me."

[pinprick]

"I missed you." Nathaniel smiles faintly. "Whatever it counts for. Nobody's been quite the pain in my arse you were."

[justice_is_blond]

"You're making this far too easy, Nate." He gives Nathaniel the smallest smile back in return. "Service, having, pain the arse, one might think you were flirting. Then again, I'm fairly certain no one in the Inquisition is... Mm. I was going to say foolish enough to flirt with me, but then there's Zevran and Isabela and I'd not call them foolish. Foolhardy, perhaps."

[pinprick]

"Not flirting, exactly, but I have to leave something for you to make fun of. Consider it a massive growth on my part, that I can do that nowadays."

[justice_is_blond]

Now the smile reaches his eyes.

"So you were having trouble getting a massive growth before, or sustaining it? You should have said something. I'm a healer."

[pinprick]

This is why Nathaniel keeps doing this. It's like leaving crumbs out in a line to lure a mouse into a trap, except the trap is having fun.

A grunt. "I have no trouble keeping it massive. Thank you for keeping the word 'massive' in there, by the by."

[justice_is_blond]

"Well. In some ways, a big head can be a good thing. I see no point to not feeding your ego."

The shock is slowly fading, being replaced by the realization that he's alive, and likely to stay alive, even under his own name. It's an impossibility... or it would have been if not for his friends.

"Personally, I don't need the flattery. But I'd never turn it down."

[pinprick]

"What about a drink? I feel like a drink. None of the swill in the tavern, though. I have good Fereldan whisky. Tastes like peat. Good stuff."

[justice_is_blond]

"Everything from Ferelden tastes like peat. Even the air tastes like peat." It's not a no, though. He takes a seat on his bedroll and brings his cat up to his free shoulder before looking back up at Nate.

"Why not? Only a little, though. He never has approved of drunkenness."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel flinches at that last, a familiar tightness pressing in his chest as he is reminded of someone else. He finds two cups and his bottle of whisky.

"Neither did my mother, unless it was my brother who was drunk." It slips out before he can stop himself. Anders doesn't know what Eliane Howe was like, or why the comparison with Justice is particularly damning.

He pours both cups and hands one to Anders.

[justice_is_blond]

The flinch and the way Nate's speaking about his family the way he never does, have his mood sobering. Justice. Nate still hates Justice, but there's something more there.

Anders takes the cup and looks at him, really looks, for a moment. "You don't speak about them often."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel sips from the cup. Proper Fereldan whisky, all right.

"Mm." A wordless sound of acknowledgement. "Nobody asks about them. The Butcher of Denerim, yes, but Mother was dead a few years before that, and Thomas died in the war. People usually assume he was complicit in our father's crimes."

Now with the right icon

[justice_is_blond]

"I can't say I really paid attention to any of the talk or the crimes." His life had been mostly contained within one cold tower, except for when he was on the run. "I'd like to know more, if you're of a mood to talk."

He takes a tiny sip and struggles not to make a face. At least it's not the horse piss of the Hanged Man.