[Closed] This isn't even my final form

[justice_is_blond]

WHO: Anders and close CR
WHAT: Detlef makes his last appearance for some goodbyes in case, Anders gives some warnings, and basically he tries to prepare.
WHEN: Around this time, a little backdated for the ride, but generally 24th-ish
WHERE: Ride back from EDL and in Skyhold
NOTES: Anders.

[ooc: This is various starters for Detlef's end and Anders warning some friends and admitting things to another. If you'd like a starter, ping me at Nadat on plurk and I'll put one together!]

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[justice_is_blond]

"I can't say I really paid attention to any of the talk or the crimes." His life had been mostly contained within one cold tower, except for when he was on the run. "I'd like to know more, if you're of a mood to talk."

He takes a tiny sip and struggles not to make a face. At least it's not the horse piss of the Hanged Man.

[pinprick]

"About my family?" Normally, people asking about his family piss him off. But this isn't like that. Anders is getting to know him, not prying under the pretense of concern. Part of him is actually rather touched that Anders shows interest. Nathaniel shrugs a little and takes another sip.

"None of it's very cheerful, I'm afraid."

[justice_is_blond]

He pauses, trying to weigh the response. It could be deflection. Nate might not want to talk about it. Or it could simply be a little bit of a warning.

"I didn't think it would be, which is why I'd not asked before. We can talk about something else, if you'd like."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel shakes his head.

"No, it's...fine. There just aren't many people I've talked to about my...about them. Poor Thomas..."

Nathaniel stares into his cup for a moment, gathering his thoughts.

"Thomas was the favorite. Mother and Father hated each other, and he was one of the things they argued about the most. They both sort of...bribed him, tried to make him take their side. He loved that. He loved how they made such a fuss over him, and how much he could get away with. It...was very hard for me to reconcile that they didn't love me or Delilah, but they adored Thomas. But ultimately, I think it was his downfall. They addicted him to their love, and when Mother died, Father was his only source. And he did what he had to do to keep Father's love. Poor Thomas.

"Then Mother was...bitter. Incredibly bitter, always. Delilah and Thomas seemed to make her happy. I...couldn't. Maybe she blamed me for tying her to Father, I don't know. But she hated me."

[justice_is_blond]

He's quiet for a few moments, before taking a second sip of his drink and shaking his head. He hadn't known any of that. But who would gossip with any sort of sympathy for a Howe?

"I would have done anything to regain affection from my father. I can't say love. No one truly loves a child if they can so easily choose to take them to the Chantry and send them away. But despite that, there was a time when he was kindly to me, and I wanted that back terribly."

Anders sighs.

"Poor Thomas indeed. And poor you. to not be loved by either... I'm sorry, Nate. Family is sometimes not at all what it is supposed to be."

[pinprick]

"Not trying to gain sympathy. To be honest, I still don't always know how much of it was real. Father said he loved me, but I've every reason to believe he just wanted me on his side in the fight with Mother. And Mother was...I don't really know. She used to leave me behind when taking Delilah and Thomas somewhere. Confession, for example. When she came home, she would tell me that I told her I didn't want to go. After a while of that, she told me the Maker doesn't want wicked boys who won't go to confession."

Nathaniel speaks reminiscently, as if pulling these memories together takes a great deal of concentration. Afterward, he looks tired and irritated.

"I think I never saw how bad my father was because...never mind. There's no point in speculating. A great many children had it worse than I did. I had Adria, for a time. She loved me, and Delilah. But she was sent to work at the Denerim house when Thomas was too young to remember her."

[justice_is_blond]

Doesn't want sympathy, and then goes on to mention Adria. Anders had seen her end, and he's quiet again for a time. They're quite the pair.

"It's hard to see what's going on when you're up close. And why would you take a step back if things are seemingly working?" It's... a part of why some caring people didn't object to Circles. They don't see a problem, so why would they look closer? It's ignorant and selfish, but it's at least a partial excuse.

Or it is to Anders. Justice finds no justification for choosing to ignore what's going on.

"The awareness that requires is not common. I don't think you're at fault for not seeing it." It's also not that common anymore to feel a complete divide in opinion between himself and Justice. Then again, the spirit had never seemed truly fond of Nathaniel, or vice-versa. The sensation of disagreement is both welcome and unwelcome, and far too complicated for Anders to want to delve into right now.

"But speculation is pointless. The what-ifs, the whys... They tend to fall short." Even if he's spent a great deal of time on them himself.

[pinprick]

"And the Howes especially." Nathaniel flashes a half-smile, a glint in one eye. He had to do it.