faderift | Let No Soul Hunger For Justice: Nothing But The Truth

[He swirls the liquid around in his cup while he waits for anything, and then for a little while longer after she's spoken. That she's right about how they should have been doesn't make it any easier.]

That's how it was supposed to be. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it was the attack just after we joined. Or maybe it was always going to go wrong and there was no equitable way to manage it. There's rumors that my teacher was possessed, and if that's true, then she handled it well, but I sincerely doubt Wynne had a spirit of Justice to deal with. And even if she did, there's no asking for advice.

[Every rumor has her as dead, and despite how he'd not gotten along with her, he doesn't want to ask Zevran or Alistair if they know if it's true.]

I wish we could find some sort of truce or balance. I'll not stop working on it, because there's no telling if any of the rituals will even work, but I don't have a great deal of faith in it.

Which is, I suppose, a great many words to say I can understand your reasons.

I heard those rumors as well, but there has never been much proof to them.

[ Leliana had alluded to knowing a possessed mage- someone taken by a spirit. It could be...

Adelaide sets the thought aside. It does not matter; however it was for her? It is not for Anders. However Anders and Justice find their balance? It is not her problem to solve.

Separating them, that is. ]

Until I know what is making them backfire, we are going to have to prepare for the same pattern to continue. Fade walking- having that turn back on us? Who knows what might happen.

Edited 2016-05-12 07:19 (UTC)

At least we've been in the Fade before, joined. ...Though the 'we' is a more or less statement. He was in control. I don't recall any of it. Merrill, Varric, Aveline, Isabela, they may be able to tell us more. I'd not trust anything Fenris says to be helpful, and Bethany was with the Wardens by then.

[Anders takes a sip of the drink.]

Justice is of the opinion that going in will be straightforward and entirely ineffective. Personally...

[He takes a breath.]

He doesn't feel like he can help fight injustice as effectively in the Fade. I think this is where the issues are stemming from. He's not entirely inclined to go back. It's not a comforting thought.

[It blurs more lines. He'd taken a willing host, certainly, hadn't forced his way in, but now that his host seeks a split Justice doesn't care. Justice wants to stay. Desires to stay, and he can feel the spark of blue-hot anger that thought inspires from the spirit. Things are coming to a head. Either they figure this out, or he does his best to make sure when everything goes awry and he becomes a true abomination, he's able to hurt the enemy and not allies.]

Well that fills me with confidence. [ Stuck walking about the fade with Justice driving. How wonderful. ] I would rather not be trapped with either of you in the fade, but if I must be trapped? I would take you over him.

[ No contest, in that. ]

Yes, because you've been free to fight injustice so well in the past decade and have accomplished so much.

[ Probably not the wisest thing- but as she sees it? Justice being with Anders has not helped either of them fulfill their purpose. Before she can say anything else that might be less than useful she finishes her glass of brandy- and tops herself off. ]

[He's snapped for less. Often. But at the end of the day it's not just that she's the one who has done the research and knows these rituals the best. She's also a key part of the reason he's able to heal in Skyhold and isn't constantly worried about Justice feeling inactive and useless. All the same, his eyes narrow.]

You, and everyone else, cannot have it both ways. I am treated both as if I singlehandedly started the war and got the circles broken, and as if I've done nothing of use at all. I freed more than you've any idea of from Kirkwall, long before I destroyed the Chantry. I've healed and saved more lives than this Templar and mage conflict has claimed. I brought Elthina to justice; I helped bring Ser [his voice makes the title a mockery] Alrik to justice. Sister Petrice, the former Arishok, the Mother, you've no idea what I've done. You choose to have no idea, because one thing overshadows it all. Because it's easy to ignore that there are shades of grey.

[He smiles, but there's nothing friendly about it.]

In that, you and Justice are alike. Black and white.

You did that, Anders. You would have done that with or without Justice. You would have continued to do that with or without Justice. When I say oh, you have done so much to end injustice in your time here- I am not speaking to you. I am speaking to the spirit riding you and using 'well I can do more here, in these bones' as an excuse to remain. You care. You do not always think to the larger picture because it is not possible for you to do so while the details are so terrible. That is what you see- and this is why you suited compassion so well. With or without justice- you would have fought, you would have helped, you would have healed.

[ As long as she'd known Detlef- as she'd known Anders? That much has become painfully apparent. It'd been charming before and logical afterward. ]

What you likely would not have done without Justice is blow up the Chantry. I do not think you capable of such a thing. If anything Justice has made it more difficult for you to fulfill his purpose and yours. [ Adelaide snorts, downing her brandy. ] How is that for irony?

Edited (html fail) 2016-05-15 03:09 (UTC)

[The mockery in his smile fades. He'd misunderstood her statement.]

But then the Rite of Annulment would have been used in Kirkwall, with no Conclave vote. Just as many would have died in the city and there would be... nothing. I don't like what I did, what we did. There are some days I--

[Anders stops. There's honesty, and then there's too much honesty; he's not going there. Especially not with someone who sees him as a thing.]

It's difficult to fulfill either of our goals. But it's far easier here than it was in Kirkwall, and he never would have departed Kirkwall of his own volition.

As I was not there? I cannot speak to the situation- but any moment when the only course is death on a large scale? Every side has failed.

[ She tops off her glass and gestures to Anders with the bottle. This is drinking talk. ]

It happened. Nothing can be done for it. But you would have found another way on your own- that is why I was so angry with you. To know you for who you are and think that you made that choice? You can do better. You have been. You will continue to do more when this is resolved. If I did not like you so much? I would not have been so angry- so disappointed.

[He eyes the bottle. He wants to have more, but Justice is there, lurking. After a moment, Anders shrugs and takes it in hand, refilling his cup and sipping. There is no reason for Justice to attack Skyhold, and so much reason to not cause issues. The spirit might decide to get into an argument, but right now they're all right. He's all right, because he may now have his answer about something remaining after all.

Anders exhales after.]

I would have tried. I likely would have failed, but I would have tried. Then again, were it not for Justice I'd be dead.

[He lifts a hand and touches the center of his chest.]

It's something I forget sometimes. If we'd not merged, Rolan would have ended me and then Justice would not only have killed them all, he would have been alone. The swath of destruction he could have caused... I don't want to say there was no way for things to go better from the moment Jonas vanished, but I can't see how.

[ She drinks. She drinks and sets her cup aside, grimacing at a twinge in her neck. A day of running her hands through her hair, of headaches and glaring at notes in dim light-

She unpins her bun with a mutter and unwinds her braid, massaging the nape of her own neck. ]

It is what it is. We cannot go back. All we can do is move forward and hope we do not get ourselves killed doing this. The next one- that is unlikely. But the final two- if Justice does not remember why we are doing this and work with us? There will be blood. And while I will bleed for you I will not bleed for him.

And I don't want anyone to bleed for me.

[Justice is steel certainty in his mind, and Anders is steadily losing the ability to figure out all of what that means. He takes another drink anyway.]

I'd rather I paid any price than someone else pay it for me. Which I don't think Nate or Bethany will understand. Nate's focused on what I've paid in the past, and Bethany's dangerously kind.

[And another drink.]

I can't even set something up in case to protect them from making mistakes that could cost them as I did when turning myself in. He was agreed on turning in; he's not on any sort of back-up plan here.

Too fucking late.

[ She mutters, tugging her hair over her shoulder and snorting at nothing in particular. Literally, no one has bled. But the payment is set all around. ]

And in that he feels as though you've done due diligence, and damn anyone else? Has he prevented you from doing something before?

You know what I mean. A price in blood. Singing and telling the truth are little things. Assuming we can say anything we wish tomorrow. This situation makes sarcasm exceedingly difficult. And as far as Nate... yes, ish, and no.

[Maybe he shouldn't be talking about this, but he's had more to drink tonight than he has in years.]

It's not 'damn anyone else,' but he knows what happened in Vigil's Keep, he saw me in Kirkwall, he's heard more of Kinloch Hold than anyone else... In short, he knows more about me than any other person alive. And I sabotaged his efforts. He wanted to plan a rescue attempt should I be sentenced to death. I assisted and set it up to fail. He never would have forgiven me, but I never would have forgiven myself if I got away and he suffered for it.

...

[ After a long moment of simply...staring. She reaches over to curl her fingers around the bottle of brandy and take it back. ]

Self-righteous martyrs don't get brandy.

[He watches her take it back and raises an eyebrow.]

I should have let him risk losing everything for someone who did murder dozens of people? You even wanted me dead. You can't say I should have actually helped him and mean it.

What makes you think I wanted you dead?

[He blinks.]

Well, for one, you're not saying you didn't. For another, you were furious and hurt. I rode out rather certain that if I'd told you without planning on turning myself in, you'd be calling the Templars or anyone nearby who would take me on. Can I have the brandy back?

I was actually questioned about that. My knowing and saying nothing. As soon as you left I found a bottle of brandy and a bottle of wine and went to Dorian's tent to drink the shock away. I was angry. I am still angry, a little, but ever at myself for not noticing or thinking to ask. It does not help that not but a few days before another friend of mine I've come to trust confessed to me a wealth of sins that he hid with lies of omission. Apparently, I trust too easily.

Which is laughable considering how I was when I arrived.

Afterward...I threw myself into work. It did not occur to me to say anything and by the time I returned to Skyhold, Sister Nightingale sent for me. The interrogation was mortifying- I have not been treated as such by anyone in my entire life.

And I am not even all that certain she was wrong to do so.

[ Time to drown that thought with brandy. ]

No. You were being a self-righteous martyr and it seems a pattern of behavior with you.

And you attempt to solve a great many things with drink and that seems a pattern of behavior for you. If I'm going to get drunk for the first time in over a decade, I'm going to do it entirely. Please pass it back or I will have to leave and find some other source.

[He's feeling a little more relaxed than he really should, he thinks, but he doesn't care.]

Besides. It's hardly being a martyr if you don't want to die. I think. I'm not certain what the definition of martyr is, exactly, and I was doing my best to not gain too much notice. I didn't want people suspicious. Leliana was anyway, but that's Leliana. And if I'm playing the martyr, so are you. Feeling like you deserved to be mortified because you didn't notice something that you'd not expect? No one thought I'd be here. Except perhaps Nate and Velanna. I had a habit of turning back up, back then. A lot.

It never effects my work or hurts the people around me.

[ Unlike his habits, but that goes unsaid. Somehow. She tucks the bottle to her chest and glowers at him. ]

If you want it you will have to take it.

[He's not certain of his coordination, and so he hesitates. Grabbing for her chest does not seem like the safest plan. And yet... First, though, he reaches for her cup and discovers it's empty. So much for the easy route.]

If that's the way you want to handle this.

[A gentleman would walk away. He's a common-born mage. Anders grabs for the neck of the bottle with the intent to pull.]

Anders...

[ He wouldn't-

he would!

She swears around a burble of what might be laughter, leaning away with a firm grip on the bottom of the bottle. ]

Stop that!

[He does stop, because he's not going to keep grabbing at someone who has said to stop, but that doesn't keep him from scooting his chair closer and smiling faintly, raising both his eyebrows.]

You said. I was only listening. And I checked your cup first.

This is my father's favorite brandy and if you are going to drink any more tonight you must promise I will not have to think about Justice for at least three hours.

[ There's a bit of a hitch in her breath at the mention of her father- an old pain, and older regret. ]

[Can they make that promise? Justice seems annoyed, but not pushing. He seems more inclined to sitting back and letting Anders make a fool of himself so Justice can lecture later.]

Three hours Justice-free. Or we wrestle for it. Your call.

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