OPEN: To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees

[pinprick]

WHO: Nathaniel Howe and visitors
WHAT: Nathaniel's rocky convalescence in the weeks after the defeat of Vengeance.
WHEN: Justinian 19-Solace 17
WHERE: Skyhold healing tents + Camp Shady
NOTES: Illness/fever, blunt trauma to the chest, close brush with death. Options inside.

Shallow Breaths - Justinian 20-28

Nathaniel is in and out of consciousness for the first few days. There are many breaks in his sternum and ribs, and some sort of bruise on his lungs. Something of that sort. The point, to him, is that he can hardly breathe. The healers have him sleeping on the wounded part of his chest every night, and despite the pain, it does seem to help him breathe without fighting against gravity. Abrasions and burns are healed quickly, but the bones are taking time to mend even with magic, and the cartilage is damaged for good. His face is white, his lips bloodless, his eyes dazed when you come to visit. Speaking is laborious, but he will try.

Peak - Justinian 29-30

For a time, Nathaniel seems to be getting better. The pain is lessened, and he is conscious more often. He is also hungry, eating everything offered to him and practically licking the plates clean. It's less difficult to breathe, though deep breaths are all but impossible. For all appearances though, the worst is behind him.

Fever - Solace 1-5

Weak lungs develop pneumonia even as the bones are on the mend. The coughing is weak, but the wet sound of it is unmistakable. Three days in, Nathaniel suffers delirium, muttering inanely and sometimes writhing in pain. It's impossible to sleep long in this state, though he never seems awake. His face is grey, and at his worst, he is too weak even to speak or move, but watches the world through half-lidded eyes, helpless but to see the things that his mind creates.

The next day, he is lucid again, though still feverish and desperately weak. That night, he falls asleep and doesn't wake until morning. His fever breaks the next day.

Awakening - Solace 6-12

Breathing is labored still, but there is a light in his eyes now. He can take visitors and have a conversation, but not for too long. He still can't leave the cot, but he slowly starts to sit up a little more, and his appetite is coming back quickly. Sleeping through the night now speeds his recovery.

Recovery - Solace 13-16

These days Nathaniel is taking slow, short walks, each day with more exercise and less support than the last. He has trouble with shortness of breath, and pain in the tendons of his ribs when he moves too much, but he is determined to get out of here. Color is returning to his face. His feet and hands are swollen from so little exercise early on, but the swelling goes down as his circulation improves. When he is not exercising, he is permitted to sit outside on a nice day, drinking in the sun and breathing the clear air.

Home - Solace 17

Today, Nathaniel is sufficiently recovered that he may spend the remainder of his convalescence in his own bed in the Warden camp. He requires help getting down there, but once he's there, there's a triumphant smile on his drawn face. Lady, his miniature mabari, yaps excitedly and kisses his face when he lies down in his own bed. And snuggles hard against him, and growls at anyone who disturbs him when he sleeps.

But now Nathaniel is well enough to be restless. Late at night, he wakes and steps outside, wrapped in blankets and watching the stars.

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

"A moment, then." He gets up, trailing fingers down Nate's arm before finding another basin and getting that starting to steam away. "There we go. Let me know if you'd like more or less, though give it a few minutes to spread."

"And I'm going to massage your chest now. Also let me know if it's not helping?" Chest infections are tricky things, after all. "Or I could skip and go... lower."

[pinprick]

"My legs," Nathaniel mutters. "They cramp and swell all the time. You needn't touch my chest but to wash it."

[justice_is_blond]

There's a flicker of a nervous smile on his face when the teasing is skipped over entirely. It's not like they can act on anything, but he isn't sure if Nate's missed it due to feeling poorly, or he's avoiding thinking about anything innuendo laden.

Anders gently cleans Nate's chest before pressing a kiss just over Nate's heart and skipping down to Nate's calves - they seem the most likely culprit.

"You could try lifting them with Lady or Purrelden on them, nice and slow so as to not get your heartrate up, but giving them something to do while you're still resting. I know idleness is boring. And Lady might like it. Purrelden... might dig claws in and be terrified."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel has to not think about how long it's going to be before he can have sex again. If Anders keeps up teasing, it could drive him mad. Also, his legs hurt. His hand touches the golden silk of that hair in that brief moment where Anders kisses his chest. He missed touching that hair.

"Lady wouldn't mind so much, especially once I explained. Mabari are incredibly intelligent, you know. But I wouldn't torment poor Purrelden. She is good for relaxing. Perhaps it sounds mad, but I could swear everything hurts less when she's against me and she purrs."

[justice_is_blond]

"Yes, mabari know exactly what they're doing when they drool on you."

He gives Nate a smile as his hair is played with. That's something he's been without for too long.

"And it's not mad. Cats help with healing. That's part of the reason I left her. The other is because she's not ready for the Deep Roads yet. Ser Pounce was older and less... flighty." She's only just conquered her fear of crickets, after all. "When I wake to something larger deposited in my boots, a rat or a bird, I'll reconsider."

And if she's never ready he's not quite sure what he'll do.

[pinprick]

"She has kept me quite safe." Anders' fingers hit a knot in one calf, and Nathaniel moans softly. "Maker, love. I didn't know how much that one troubled me till now."

When everything is muddled in a haze of pain, it's hard to tell exactly what hurts besides everything.

[justice_is_blond]

He kisses the place once it's fully worked out.

"I've neglected you terribly." It's another pattern he needs to break - doing something and then leaving the aftermath behind. This time he thought he had a good reason, but had he truly been needed? Nate deserved better whether they'd needed Anders in the Deep Roads or not. He'll do better by Nate.

Nate's feet get washed next, and Anders kisses each of his big toes playfully. "How much rest have you gotten today? Do you think you could sit upright after this so I can clean your hair as well, or would you like to lie down for a time?"

[pinprick]

"Please wash my hair," mutters Nathaniel. "It's heavy and greasy. I haven't gone so long without a proper bath in..." Well. "Since Bethany and I were on the run, but it feels worse now than it did then. I've done nothing but rest."

[justice_is_blond]

"Mm. I've been there." Though he hadn't been able to really pay attention to himself then. He'd... definitely been driven by other concerns. A lot of that time feels strange, distant, like viewed through a fogged window, and as time goes by he's realizing there are more gaps in his memory than he'd thought. Maybe it's due to Justice being forced out. He's not sure.

Anders is quiet for a few moments, cleaning and working on Nate's thighs.

"Do you... Do you miss him at all? Justice, I mean, not Herc."

[pinprick]

A moment of hesitation is probably all Anders needs to answer the question.

"Are you asking because you miss him?"

[justice_is_blond]

That's a no, then. He can't really expect better. Justice had hated Nate; who misses someone who hates you?

"Not... Not in my head. But he saved our lives, Nate. And mine multiple times. I wouldn't... I wouldn't have this if not for him. I'd be dead, betrayed by the Wardens. He did, he didn't do well, but he was never meant for this side of the Veil." It's not all Justice's fault, he feels.

[pinprick]

"You saved his life, too," Nathaniel says immediately. "You gave him every chance he had. And he took advantage of it. He hurt you. He starved you. A life debt isn't bottomless, Anders."

[justice_is_blond]

He's quiet for several moments, bathing Nate's groin and stomach; at least with this conversation going on there's no chance of cruelly working the man up.

"Roll over?" is what comes out next, quiet, subdued, before he resumes the discussion. "I don't think he really knew better, or understood. Kristoff's corpse didn't need to eat. He'd a duty, a nature to be true to, and neither of us were ready for that. And now you're hurt, so many are hurt, and he's dead."

[pinprick]

"He was gone a long time ago, Anders." It takes some effort for Nathaniel to flip on the narrow cot, bruised as he still is, but he manages with a grunt as he sinks back down. "He spoke of vengeance before he ever possessed you. When we spoke, when I told him why it might be acceptable for him to possess someone willing, I said that if he gave instead of taking, I would consider him no demon. And what did he do besides take without giving, at the end?"

[justice_is_blond]

He's quiet as he starts working on Nate's back. The words hurt, not the least because there's truth in them that he doesn't like facing up to.

"He..." Justice tried to hold on. That was the root of so much of the problem, and Justice had hurt Nate badly. If he'd been willing to work with any of them then a lot of pain would have been averted. Anders presses his forehead to the back of Nate's head.

"He thought it would fail, and so he didn't work to fix anything. I was the one who was trying to find solutions. But I wish he didn't go out like that. Lost. Cruel."

[pinprick]

"Neither do I. But that was his choice, not yours."

[justice_is_blond]

He exhales. "My anger didn't help, love. As easy as it would be to put all the blame on him, I can't. He was out of his element and choose poorly, but some of that choice was due to me."

Heat's eased into Nate's muscles as he keeps working the knots out. "I'd a responsibility to him and he'd one to me. We both fell short."

[pinprick]

"You were hurt." Nathaniel knows there's only so much blame that can be placed on either. He hates to admit it, but he knows. "You were so badly hurt, and he believed he could save you and everyone like you. And you wanted to believe him. Who would not?"

[justice_is_blond]

There's another pause. "I wanted to be saved. I wanted so many saved. I wanted..." He'd just wanted something better. A future, for him, for Karl, for so many. In the end he hadn't even been that effective. He'd stalled one annulment, but there had been another. It had been the Conclave that got mages actually fighting for their rights.

"Too much, apparently. I wanted too much, and so much of it went wrong. The people I most cared about were hurt if not killed, and I can't even take credit for the end of the Circles though I can apparently be the target of most of the anger there. Maker, I still crave being protected and saved and that's something I find in your arms."

[pinprick]

It has happened. Anders, without Justice acting as a buffer, has finally seen the truth of his actions. There was a time when Nathaniel would have emphasized this, ground it into him, but that was before he fell in love with him. He cannot disagree because one of the original points of the crusade to get rid of Justice was so that Anders could see himself clearly. But agreeing widens a wound that is already painful, and Nathaniel does not want to cause him pain. To place all the blame on Justice isn't right either--it only shrouds the insight Anders is having, makes him doubt his own perception, but lends no justice to those he killed. It's an excuse to make him feel better, at best, delusion at worst. Guilt serves a purpose. But justice needs to work both ways. Where was justice for Anders when he was a mistreated youth? Where was justice for him when he lived voluntarily as a pauper in the worst place Nathaniel can think of, running a free clinic for the poorest and striving to protect people like himself? Why can't both matters of justice be satisfied, rather than picking one and saying the other doesn't matter, even when it caused the first one?

But Anders has said an extraordinary thing. With Justice gone, with blood on his hands, with these terrible revelations about himself, he still feels safe in Nathaniel's arms. Maybe both matters of justice can be satisfied after all.

He smiles into the pillow.

"My arms are here whenever you need them."

[justice_is_blond]

He's weak, he's always been weak and afraid of his own weakness, but somehow it doesn't bother Nate. Nate lets him hide and protects him without guilt or frustration.

"I don't know how you keep being fine protecting me." His voice is tired, and he finishes the cleaning and massage. "I don't know how you think me a good person. But you do, and Herc did, and... and I want so badly to be worth it. I want to stop hurting you. Getting you hurt. I want to help, and I'm afraid everything I do will be making a mess of it as it always is."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel rolls over again, with effort, and reaches down to pull Anders into his arms.

"Anders," he breathes. Prays. "Before you, I was hurting so much more than I am now. You...your love, it healed things I didn't know were broken. Your light and your kindness, you taught me what it is to really be alive. Even hurting for you is a joy, my love. It reminds me I'm alive now. I wasn't always. I felt no pain or comfort. Now I feel both, and that is much better than the alternative."

[justice_is_blond]

With great care, Anders joins Nate on the bed and rests in his hold. A lot of the time he feels like he's taking and taking and Nate's left giving all the time and it worries him. Hearing otherwise helps, and Anders kisses Nate's collarbone chastely.

"I didn't know you were hurting." Nate hid it so well, and Anders reaches to hold the man back. "I... I'm glad I've helped. You deserve to be alive, to feel alive. You deserve so much."

[pinprick]

"I take myself less seriously now," Nathaniel chuckles. "Do you have any idea how much of a relief it is, not to be as serious as you believed? Everything isn't dire anymore. Life moves on no matter what I do. That's something you gave to me. There is less..weight, to everything. And a great deal more laughter."

[justice_is_blond]

"You've an excellent smile, you know." It's said as he's carefully reaching down to find a blanket, working hard to not jostle Nate in the process. His lover's naked. Warmth might be welcome. "Seeing it brightens my day every time. And it's dreadfully heavy to be serious all the time."

He'd carried that weight for so long as well. Coming here, finding out that he could have connections with people despite everything, has slowly helped ease some of that burden off of his shoulders though he'll never be the lighthearted man he was back when he and Nate met. There's too much to do, and too much he's already done.

"There's still so much ahead to do. But I've you alongside me." That will make the future easier.