you don't own the green pines

[chainlightning]

WHO: Merrill and open!
WHAT: An open log.
WHEN: Justinian 20th - mid-Solace
WHERE: Skyhold and the surrounding area
NOTES: Some talk of violence, injuries, death.

late justinian through early solace | healing tents
[ Justice is dead, but he nearly took many others with them -- Merrill included. She's in a bad way for a few days, especially after; her cheekbone is broke, her ribs mostly intact but her internal organs badly bruised, along with various and sundry scrapes, cuts, bite marks, bruises, and burns.

Still, she's a decent patient. She stays put in the tents, at least, though they can't quite get her to stop talking when she's feeling well enough to sit up and do so. Visitors are allowed at the discretion of the healers, but Merrill isn't going to turn anyone (or anything) away. ]

early solace | around skyhold
[ When she's allowed to leave the healing tents, it's not full-time. They don't want her going down to the Warden camp to sleep, but she's allowed to wander Skyhold as long as she's careful. As a result, Merrill mostly relaxes -- visits with friends or with potential new friends, sits in the garden, watches the birds.

She likes to go visit the griffons, when she can, though she has to be careful. They're less good about watching for injuries. ]

early-mid solace | camp shady fucker
[ When she's allowed to move more, when she's more patched up between a combination of time and magic, Merrill gets to work. Sleeping in a tent isn't new, but the events at Weisshaupt have shaken her. If they need to get out, she wants to be able to move quickly.

She starts to gather supplies. Wood, mostly, but any who know much about the Dalish may recognize what begins to take shape or the plans that Merrill checks every once in a while: an aravel. ]

wildcard
[ you know what to do ]

Comments

[chainlightning]

I don't think that matters much to her. [ That part, at least, isn't a joke -- but then again, Merrill doesn't know the roostmaster that well. Alistair, though -- she may not know him very well either, but he's been a presence with the Inquisition since before she joined up. He's been on the crystals with Zevran, laughing and joking. Something feels off today, and she's about to turn and ask if he's okay when he tells her.

Hercules is gone. And she freezes, despite any protest from Ghostface.

Gone. ]

What- [ her voice cracks and she falters; she sucks in a breath and tries again, green eyes wide as she stares up at him. ] What do you mean?

[byblow]

[ Somehow it's worse, with the griffon. Maybe he should have asked her to come outside first. Not because it might bite her (though it might) but because Alistair is probably ruining what should be a pleasant time. ]

He's—dead. Probably, I mean. He wasn't when we left, but that was—

[ A journey across Orlais ago. Does that sound insensitive? It sounds insensitive. He doesn't mean to. It's just how his mouth works: independent of most of his good sense. ]

I'm sorry.

[chainlightning]

What?

[ Whatever Alistair is talking about sounds horrible. They left Hercules somewhere to die? What is wrong with them? ]

Why- you left him? What happened? Why wouldn't you try to help?!

[ Ghostface screeches, wings fluttering; he has no idea what is going on, but Merrill is upset and this human is strange and he Does Not Like it. His distress, at least, is enough to get Merrill to suck in a breathe and turn back to him, murmuring softly to try and get him to calm down. ]

[byblow]

[ Alistair winces. Partly from the question, partly from the screeching. He isn't an animal person by nature, honestly—he likes dogs and horses because he was raised among them and they're practically family, but the griffons, however legendary and majestic, can stay over there. Screeching at Merrill. Who seems to know what to do with them. ]

It was his time. [ Shoulder still in the door frame, he looks down at his hands, awkwardly fidgeting with his fingernails without quite stooping to picking the dirt out of them. He sounds distant, but in a shell shocked way, not a cold one. He's been through this before. It's certainly not any easier when people outside the Wardens have to have it explained to them. ] It happens to all of us. We're tainted— [ some people know that, some don't, Alistair is sick of secrets regardless ] —with the Blight, and eventually it catches up to us.

It's a hero's death, [ he's quick to add. ] To die fighting instead of letting it take you. You should be proud.

[ Or, you know. Devasted. Whichever. ]

[chainlightning]

[ Warden secrets. Warden secrets that make so many things make sense, all of a sudden -- why becoming a Grey Warden saved Bethany's life, but why Wardens still have such short ones. Why they can sense Darkspawn. Why-

And she sucks in a rattling breath. She holds it together for just long enough to get Ghostface settled and then she turns and does her best not to run right past Alistair. That won't help anything, he might stop her, and- well, honestly, Merrill feels like she has to take this out on someone. ]

I could have saved him, [ she manages, and her own nails are digging into her palm. ] If that's what it was- I could have saved him and he knew it, I'd told him what barely anyone else knows, that I can remove the Taint, and instead he just-

[ It's a full sob, this time, one that ends with her practically falling into Alistair because he's the closest point of solid contact for Merrill to cry on. ]

[byblow]

What?

[ But he catches her and holds onto her and resists the urge to push her back by the shoulders so he can look her in the face and make her repeat herself clearly. Alistair has been told he's a good hugger--and it's true, when he's not encased in armor. He gives Merrill his best effort, rubbing her back and angling his head to talk to the side of her face. ]

It would have been coming for a long time, Merrill, it was... [ Inevitable, he'd like to say, but he suspects she'd argue. ] I'm sorry he didn't tell you.

[chainlightning]

[ She would argue. He's not wrong -- and she catches that what, even as she cries into his armor. Even with it, she appreciates the effort, the solid point of contact in front of her and his hand on her back. ]

I hope- I hope it was quick, for him.

[ Maybe even in his sleep, if he could sleep down there. She doesn't know, doesn't want to think about it. She shudders and makes herself pull back a little, rubbing at her face.

Alistair can go ahead and ask, now. ]

[byblow]

[ It probably wasn't quick. But Alistair hopes so, too, so it isn't dishonest of him to nod his agreement. When she pulls back he lets go obligingly, mostly, save for a hand on her shoulder.

He waits a moment. He still feels bad asking. But it's more important than her grief or Herc's death--which is no comment on Herc's worth. It's more important than Alistair's life, too. It's more important than a lot of things. ]

Merrill, what do you mean you can remove the taint?

[chainlightning]

[ It's important. She knows that. That was why she had told Herc in the first place, and she can't fault Alistair for asking.

She takes a breath. ]

I removed it from an eluvian that my clan had found in the Brecilian Forest. We know it was the taint -- one of the members of my clan was infected by it and died. I brought it with, when we went to Kirkwall; my clan was afraid of it, so I left them and went to the alienage to live and work on it.

[ She straightens, standing tall; she makes herself look Alistair in the eyes for this next part. ]

Removing it took blood magic, but only my own blood -- never anything given unwillingly, never anything from anyone else. And it worked. If I can do good with it, then that's worth it, right?

[byblow]

[ Alistair looks at her, then past her, as if perhaps the griffon might be eavesdropping--or Maja, more likely, wherever she's wandered off to--and. judging him. That's the worst either of them could do. But it would be painful.

Fortunately, Maja remains out of sight and earshot, and Ghostface has gone back to grooming. ]

Yes, [ he says after that pause, looking back at Merrill. ] If you're not killing anyone, if you can do it without that--

[ Without turning into Clarel. ]

--it could be worth it. [ He rubs the corner of his mouth with his knuckles, thinking and hesitating, and adds, ] We're hardly in the position to be judgmental. [ Not just because of Clarel. Their Joining is blood magic. ] We should talk at the camp.

[chainlightning]

[ Somehow, Merrill doubts either Ghostface or Maja particularly care as long as the griffons aren't harmed. ]

I can, [ she says, firm. She doesn't have to kill anyone.

...Although- ]

I've only done it on the eluvian. Never anything living, though I suppose there's something odd about eluvians, since everyone always thought the Blight could only infect living things. But that's a step, and-

[ Right. Camp. Talk at the camp. ]

Now?

[byblow]

No, no, I don't think... Everyone's a bit upset. But soon.

[ Due to Herc. There's a certain weary stoicism--they've all lost people, this way and other ways--but the fact that it gets easier also makes it worse, somehow, like not being terribly cold but also knowing you'll never feel warm again, ever.

Unless Merrill can fix that with blood magic, too. ]

Does Bethany know? Or Anders?

[chainlightning]

[ Well. She could probably actually make them warmer with blood magic, but that's about it. ]

Anders knows. He's not sure what to think- with Justice and himself feeding into each other for so long, everything got twisted up. I think now that he's without Justice, he might come around to the idea that it could actually help people without looking constipated.

[ This is said rather serenely, all things considered. Anders looking constipated because of Morals isn't anything new to Merrill. ]

Bethany knows a bit- I'm not entirely sure what she gathered from before she became a Warden and what Hawke might have told her after, and how much she actually thinks is true versus Hawke embellishing only a little less than Varric.

[ Beat. ]

For the record, I'd like to not be imprisoned or murdered or anything for all of this. I'm not exactly sacrificing people or using mind control, after all, and I'm not a follower of the Chantry anyway.

[ conscript her or something if you have to, Alistair ]

[byblow]

[ Despite the circumstances, constipated earns a mouth-twitch that doesn't entirely fade away, so he doesn't have quite so far to stretch his mouth at that last part, when it's time to smile, a little, reassuringly. In a sad way. But the reasons he's sad don't have much to do with her or her magic. ]

We're very good at secrets, [ he says--that's why he's sad--and lowers his voice: ] There's not a Warden alive who hasn't been involved in at least a little blood magic. We've got you.

[ And lower still-- ] I'll slip Anders some prunes.