[closed] all alone, as I've learned to be

[onlyhymns]

WHO: Cade, Ruby, Beleth a bit later
WHAT: Cade has had about enough
WHEN: early-ish Solace, not long after the return from the Western Approach
WHERE: the battlements
NOTES: massive tw for suicide/ideation, severe depression, alcohol, possibly mention of child abuse, god it's a laundry list, if you're not sure just don't read it

It's the grey hours of the early morning, before the sun and easily after most sensible people have gone to bed. Even the night watch is idling, playing cards in the towers or stargazing to keep their minds occupied. They don't notice the solitary figure in his night clothes ascending the stairs to the battlements with a singular determination.
He carries a bottle of wine of no particular vintage, at least not one that he can identify, having never drunk any before. And his feet are bare, to avoid waste. His shoes could be given to a refugee, like the rest of his clothes.
Like his armor, repurposed and redistributed among the other Templars. Nothing could ever hurt more than that, not even losing chunks of actual flesh.
He makes his way toward one of the yawning gaps in the walkway, often guarded or blocked off so none of the builders get hurt. But it's easy enough to gain access to it now, and Cade approaches the edge with a soldier's conviction.

The wine he clutches comes open awkwardly; it's harder than it looks to get the cork out, and he hurts his teeth pulling at it. He's heard it called liquid courage, and courage is what he needs more than anything. He feels a twinge of guilt when he takes the first pull, then immediately hacks it back up again-- how do people drink this?-- and immediately worries that he's making too much noise.
He calms his throat and tries again, more slowly, eyeing the drop beneath him. All he has to do is take one step.

The pros outweigh the cons: he won't be tormented by stares and jeers anymore, or his own thoughts, or his existence as a perpetual failure. He won't have dreams anymore, he won't feel the dull aches all over his body from working too hard without enough rest. He won't have to take up space, or waste supplies that could be used for more worthwhile people. No more lyrium withdrawals when he's too anxious and ashamed to ask for his ration, no more feeling untouchable, dismissed, worth less consideration than an animal.

But he just.. can't.

And that in itself is maddening. That's what keeps him imbibing what he hopes will turn into courage, because if he can't at least do this, then he might as well accept that he isn't even a person anymore. He's never been able to make decisions without an authority's approval. This is his one chance to take back control.

But it's so... far.
And cold.
And if he doesn't die right away, someone might try to do something about it, and he'll be a nuisance again.

---

It's two hours later and Cade has dropped to a sitting position, leaning against the battlement wall, a mostly-drained bottle held loosely in one hand and his eyes red and tired from intermittent fruitless weeping. Going back inside is out of the question; if he doesn't go through with it, tomorrow will just begin worse than ever before.
There's no coming back from this decision. He's already betrayed the Maker just by thinking it, and now he continues his treachery by sitting here, making a pathetic drunken arse of himself.

The wine was supposed to work.

Comments

[onlyhymns]

A massive worldwide war sounds a bit like what's happening now, in Thedas. It seems perhaps life can go on afterwards, at least if a rifter can fall through from a different dimension and talk about it. Months ago, he never would've thought that possible.
...hobbies. Every time he's heard that word, it has been spoken disdainfully, as though he's wrong to not have anything that could count as one. Once again, it seems the conversation is veering in that direction. He finds suddenly that he's as tired as he is cold, and actually shifts a bit to fit better under the cloak, accepting its warmth for the first time.
"I don't... really know how to do anything," he admits, abashed. This is what it always comes down to. He likes to read and he prays a lot and he walks a lot and he's kept busy by manual labor, and it's all done in relative solitude, and that's his entire life. "...and I can't be a woodcarver, because I can't have weapons." This is said with a small, defeated smirk, completely devoid of actual humor. "...I... if I'm not going to Zevran anymore, I'll have to be in someone's line of sight all the time again." For someone so shy as him, it was torture; he finds himself contemplating the drop again, but can't resist enjoying the cloak, at least a little bit. He's begun to ache from shivering, and his muscles being so tense for so long.

"I'm a prisoner here," he says quietly, lowering his head, "and it's my fault. I made it this way." Now he has to deal with it, or... you know, not. But the window for not dealing with it seems to be drifting away-- the sun has begun to rise, the faintest glow behind the mountains in the East.

[eviscerates]

A little sigh. "You're stuck now. Don't have to stay that way. I'm... I'm not sure what we'd need to do to change it. Still," Ruby reasons, "there's bound to be something. You're a Templar. A part of something bigger, right? I bet if I got ask around we can figure something out. You have experience and potential - we'll figure it out. You made it this way, maybe? But we can make something new, too."

And, onto less grave matters, "Mm, but-- what's the satisfaction in learning to do something if you're good at it right away?" She smiles s little, gentle. "Honestly? My main hobby here is annoying Adelaide, I'm pretty sure. You don't have to do anything. I think hobbies can be nice, though. Hey," she starts brightly, thinking on it. "We could start a hobby together. Pick something we both suck at and help each other along. Only if you want to, but it could be fun."

[onlyhymns]

"No," Cade says quickly, his eyes darting toward Ruby as she begins to make plans-- even if she's just asking around about hobbies, that's still more information than he wants anyone to have.
"...don't tell anyone. Please." Things will already be worse just by virtue of his going back; the only thing that could ruin them further is if it becomes clear how Ruby reached this conclusion.

[eviscerates]

Her eyebrows raise, surprised by his haste, before the expression softens off. " You have my word. I won't do anything without your permission. This is private. Stays between you and me."

Bleh, though, because the wind just billowed her hair into her face, and her mouth. Excuse her fighting her hair for a second, before exhaling a breath.

"You want to head back? Or keep sitting here a while?"

[onlyhymns]

Even though he specifically asked her to keep it a secret, the way she responds makes Cade's stomach wrench unhappily. He lowers his head with a furrowed brow, riding out the fleeting and inexplicable panic, and finds afterward that he's just... tired. It's dawn and he hasn't slept at all, yet he's also drunk and freezing and dehydrated and probably also hungry. He hadn't planned on continuing to exist for this long, so he hadn't provisioned for it.
Rather than answer with either or, he just gives a small nod and starts to rise stiffly to his feet. Being both drunk and numb from cold means his bearings are... not easily gathered, and he nearly falls over onto Ruby while learning this. He loses his grip on the bottle as well, and pauses to watch with consternation as it suffers a very long fall and shatters, very quietly, against an unseen rock below.

[eviscerates]

The bottle smashes, and Ruby has to do her best not to look down. She.... no. No looking down.

"Oh, boy." Hang on, she's just going to keep a careful grip across his shoulders, and its only now that the strength she possesses really shines through. "I got you. Come on." She is going to life and carry him back to safety if she has to, rather than risking going over herself first and either losing her grip on him, or him losing his grip on wanting to get back there.

"We'll get tea, and blankets. How's that sound?"

[onlyhymns]

"Sorry," Cade whimpers as she catches him, partially because he just touched her like A Lot, and partially because he can tell she's going out of her way for him. "I'm sorry." Furious with himself for being unable to walk properly, he ducks his head and squeezes his eyes shut long enough to at least begin to berate himself before he has to open them again to see where he's going.
If the world weren't spinning around him, he'd try to pay attention to anything other than his own feet stepping one in front of the other.
"...I..." he weakly answers, "...I think I'd... better just go to bed." He has a lot to think about. And potentially a lot to vomit up, which he would prefer not to do in the presence of the fairer sex.

[eviscerates]

"Hey, it's okay." Sincere, and she hopes reassuring, flashing him a little smile even if his eyes are shut and he can't see it. Maybe he can catch it in her tone.

At least after an awkward scramble they've managed to make it back into The Safety Zone, and Ruby glances over to the ledge, just to see if they've left anything behind. "Bed is probably a good idea. Do you have any water in your quarters?"

No luck on aspirin, she imagines, but she'll swing by Adelaide's early - or maybe late, if there's a chance she's still awake - and pick up a hangover potion or whatever magical creations she might have. She leaves her cloak on him, for now. He's cold and he needs it, and it's not near Wolfstime. She can deal without it for a night. Gently, "I'll walk you there?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade thinks and shakes his head to the question of water, shuffling along beside Ruby like a sick person. Back to his room, back to start everything over. He only hopes he can sleep. He hopes a little bit that he won't wake up, but that's less likely than him willingly throwing himself off a cliff.
All at once, he realizes he's too tired to think about it anymore. He just nods dully, letting Ruby lead him wherever she wants. If prompted, he shows her the way to his room.

[eviscerates]

"Come on, big guy." Ruby rubs his back and leads him along, and when she asks and he complies with guiding her to his room, she takes one of his arms and drops it over her shoulder, her arm around his waist to help steady him, through wine fog and cold-numbed limbs.

She's glad to steer him and help him down hallways and through door frames. The advantage of the Wolf? She's mighty strong for a lady. And the advantage of him showing her the way is that she'll know where to go to check up on him.

"You sure there's no one you want me to let know? They can check in on you." She'll be checking in anyway, but you know.

[onlyhymns]

"I'm sorry," Cade says again as she drapes him over her-- considering one of the only things he wants out of life is a modicum of dignity, he's not doing great in retaining that.
He's as silent as she is as they go, and shakes his head once again at her question. "No," he miserably insists. No one.

[eviscerates]

"You've got nothing to be sorry about. I swear." There is nothing undignified about getting a little help from a friend, big guy. Just accept the Power of Friendship.

"All right." Rather than rambling on, she opts to give him a bit of a break. There's been a whole lot of emotional overload, and maybe he just needs some time to recharge and recover. That's one of the reasons she lapses into near silence as they wander to Cade's room.

"This it?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade doesn't understand the Power of Friendship!! He's still stuck on Magic (he hates Magic).
He nods when they arrive at his door, and before going in, he turns to look at Ruby as though he's about to address her. Instead, he just stands there in silence for several seconds, nods shyly, and closes the door behind him. yep.