faderift | [CLOSED] Crush Story

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[CLOSED] Crush Story

WHO: Jamie McCrimmon and Kallian Endris
WHAT: Talking and FEELINGS. Maybe good feelings, maybe bad feelings, who knows? Also maybe a picnic, depending on how things go.
WHEN: At some nebulous point after Zapp's post, in the tried and true vein of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: No warnings yet, but will add if needed.

For months now, it's probably been obvious to anyone who's cared to pay attention that Jamie has a crush on Kallian. They are friends, granted, so it's given that they spend time together, but it's also not at all hard to catch the occasional glances he's sent her way when he thinks she's not looking, or his obvious tendency to want to try and protect her or come to her defense when it's needed - something that's made all the more obvious when Zapp attempts to hit on her over the crystals. There's more than a few moments during the course of that conversation that Jamie desperately wishes he'd been there in person, simply so he can have the pleasure of punching the man in his smug Orlesian face, and as usual, he does a terrible job of hiding it from anyone who's listening in.

But he doesn't care at all about that, or any consequences that might come about from that attitude at some point down the road. Right now he's more worried about Kallian, and how she might be feeling after that conversation. So maybe it's not such a surprise when he turns up outside her quarters not too long after that, although the bag he's carrying in his hand may be a bit of a puzzle. There's a reason it's there, to be sure...but first things first, and that's to make sure that she's not too upset over what's happened. After that then maybe he'll let on why he's got it with him.

"Kallian? Hey, are you alright?"

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"Well, if they have, they haven't done it around me."

She almost laughs, the start of a smile tugging at her lips. But then he asks about her wishes, and she draws into herself more.

"Oh. I... I think maybe that came out wrong..." she stammers.

"It's... I don't know. It's not the wishes themselves so much, really, it's... more... me. People don't pay me much in the way of attention, let alone stars. The world isn't going to change because I wish for it. The class struggles between the races aren't going to end just because I ask them to. Being a free mage won't stop making people see me as dangerous just because I want it to be that way. I will still be considered a child among other elves when my next birthday comes, no matter how much I might wish for more than two options for rites of passage."

"Aye, well, maybe so."

Those were big enough wishes that they'd take some doing, he had to admit - but there wasn't anything wrong with the wishing itself, and his fingers curl in on her arm ever so slightly in a gesture meant to give her a bit of comfort.

"Think you're wrong about everyone seeing you as being dangerous, though. We're here, aren't we? And I don't see you as being dangerous. Powerful, aye, but not someone who I'd be afraid of just because they can do a wee bit of magic. And I think that means I like to pay attention to you as well. At least...I hope that's the case. Even if I can't help you so much when it comes to class struggles or rites of passage. But I like being around you, Kallian. Would you not say that counts for something?"

"I... It does, Jamie. And I do thank you..."

She sighs and draws her knees up to her chin.
"It doesn't have to be everyone. It just has to be the wrong someone. Did you know the Chantry considers the sword to be a symbol of mercy? Whether the Inquisition approves or not, it's still legal to kill a mage just for being a mage, and many Andrastians would see nothing wrong with that. Some would even consider it a good thing. And as for the elves... This place, Halamshiral, has a long history of demonstrating over and over again what elves deserve for daring to be people in the presence of humans."

Kallian shakes her head.
"I have been trying for so long to be invisible, to disappear, so that no one sees me at all and so can't see me as dangerous or unwanted. Just trying to survive. Elves who are noticed are elves who get hurt. It's terrifying to be seen. It's hard to trust. Especially when you don't belong anywhere and can't consider anywhere safe."

"And all the wishing in the world won't help there, I'm guessing."

His voice is quiet, but the expression on his face betrays what he thinks of the situation. It isn't right that anyone has to live like that, constantly afraid that they'd say or do something that'd get the wrong person's attention, and despite knowing on some level that wishing won't help, a part of him still wishes all the same that there can be some way to stop those sorts of things from happening. But he's only one man - and a rifter at that - so all he can do is try and let her see there's still some hope to be had.

"Are you really so sure you don't belong anywhere, though? You're just as much a part of the Inquisition as any of the rest of us. Now, I'll grant as it'll not be easy, but do you really want to be a...a ghost of sorts? Is there not something more that you want for yourself? A home? Family?"

"I can blend in when I need to, but fitting in... that one I've never been good at. I'm half-Dalish, half-Orlesian. Neither of those are particularly welcome in a Fereldan alienage. In a place like Halamshiral, well, it's Orlesian now but it once was the capital of the Dales... but Orlesians aren't all that welcoming to someone born and raised in Ferelden. And to the real Dalish, I'm still a flat-ear, trying not to make waves among humans, and to the humans, I'm a knife-ear. I make Circle mages wary because I'm an apostate. Even among apostates, being a spirit healer is something to be... cautious of. And I frustrate the spirit healers because I don't use my magic unless I have no other choice."

She tucks dark hair behind her ears.
"I gave up on the idea of home the day I left the alienage for Skyhold. I can't go back to living in one. I just-- no, just, not an option anymore. And even if I could afford to live outside of one... That rarely ends well for elves. Most who try end up with their houses burned down. And family... My father doesn't know I exist, and no amount of wishing will bring my mother back from Tevinter."

There's a little bit of a sad smile.
"I have gotten one offer. Vati--Anders, I guess everyone else calls him--he's as close to a father as I've ever known and he said I could stay with him for as long as we have each other. That... puts me among the Wardens. As great an honor as that is... I'm still not one of them. I'm not allowed to stay in the building down there. Plus, he has Nate, and... I don't think Nate will ever see me as part of his family, however Anders feels about me. And there are others too, but... They all have their own lives to lead. I just want them to be happy, and I feel like I'd just be in the way."

She shrugs her narrow shoulders, blushing faintly.
"There are worse things to be than a ghost of sorts. And... sorry. You probably didn't really want to hear all that."

"Look, I spent three years traveling in a ship that never wound up going where it was supposed to, spending my time meeting strangers and fighting monsters...but I did it with my friends. The TARDIS might not have been my home to start with, but over time, it became one, and Ben and Polly and Victoria and Zoe and the Doctor became my family."

His best friends, ones he'd never dreamed of having but ones that he'd gotten all the same, and he knows he's a better man for having met them. The thought that she feels like she'd be in the way around her friends bothers him, and he reaches to try and take one of her hands, if she lets him.

"Home's where you make it, Kallian. Aye, maybe you'd not be able to stay in the building itself, but if you became an official healer for the Wardens or something, I daresay they'd come up with something nearby you can use. And I know we've talked about this before and you've resisted the idea, but you can make your own home there, or somewhere here. And you can choose your own family, even if you can't be with the ones you started out with. You can have friends, or...more than that, even.

The last part tumbles out before he realizes it, causing him to look ever so slightly pained for a second or so. There's times where he tends to talk first and think about what he's actually said after. It seems now is one of those times - and maybe that's why he winds up stammering a tiny bit as a result.

"I-if you want that sort of thing, that is."

She doesn't offer any resistance when he reaches for her hand, letting him take it. As he talks, her shoulders hunch squirmily and there are subtle twitchings of her ears and nervous biting of her lips, all signs of her discomfort with the ideas. But all movement ceases at his last words and she looks at him blankly.

"...what do you mean, Jamie?"

"Och. It's just..."

She still doesn't care much for the idea of trying to have her own place, he's guessing, not if her body language is anything to go by, but there's something about the way she stops and looks at him when he gets to the last part that makes wonder if he's not been as obvious as he thought he might have been earlier. Without consciously thinking about it, he lets go, bringing his hand up to scratch at his eyebrow instead.

"You do know if you wanted something more with someone, you could have that, too. Something, erm, romantic. If you wanted."

She goes quiet for a while.

"Romance only exists in stories and songs for city elves," she says softly at last, "I'm... guessing no one told you how my people come of age. The Dalish have their vallaslin, of course, but in the cities... We become adults on the day we get married. There's no courtship. No romance. Most of the time, the bride and groom don't even meet until the day of the ceremony. Everything is arranged by the elders and parents, and matches are based on what you can afford, not on trying to find someone the prospective bride or groom might actually like. All they care about is pairing people off in the hopes of producing lots of elven babies, since we're a dying race and all. Of course, if you have money, that gives you a better chance of getting someone close in age, healthy, nice-looking, but if you don't..."

She shakes her head.
"My mother was taken when I was too young, and my mentor was... quite clever at blocking the elders' attempts to match me. But when she died and I had nothing left... I knew it was only a short matter of time before I'd be handed off to some stranger, probably twice my age and I'd be lucky if he had more days sober than drunk, and luckier still if he just made things quick and merciful and over with. Someone who would eventually find out what I am, and who may nor may not betray me over it. So, I took what I could and I fled for Skyhold. And that's why I can't go back to living in an alienage, because that's what's waiting for me."
"

She's right there. Nobody has explained that part of city elf culture, and the expression on his face makes that obvious even before he winds up shaking his head to confirm what's been said. Arranged marriages aren't a new concept to him, however, and as he listens a look of understanding dawns on his face. No wonder she'd said that she'd never be considered to be an adult by her people. If the only way to do that is to get married and her choices are as limited as they are...well, never going back means that she'll never wind up coming of age. Not in the way that matters to her people.

Even so, something about what she says worries at the back of his mind. He can understand her reasons for not wanting to stay - or not going back, for that matter. But if she's not going back and not doing what's expected of her, wouldn't that open up other possibilities? He's quiet for a short while himself, mulling over her words as he not-quite-chews on his lower lip. Eventually, though, he looks back over at her with faintly knit brows, a part of him still not completely understanding why she doesn't think there's no other options.

"Alright, I think I can see why you left, but what I don't get is why you think that romance only exists in songs and stories now. If you're not going back to an alienage and you're not going to do what's traditionally expected of you, what's stopping you from finding someone to be with? It's not like people around here don't find someone all the time, you know."

"I'm still an elf and I'm still an apostate. It's... not a good combination overall. Officially speaking, elves are only supposed to be with other elves, the vast majority of which are in alienages, and outside of Tevinter and a few exceptions among the Dalish, mages aren't supposed to be with anyone. The Chantry isn't too keen on us breeding, as they put it, and elves can only have elven children with our own kind. Otherwise, the baby is the same race as the nonelven parent. Being a mage isn't going to win me any points with a possible match there. Obviously, it does happen sometimes, for both mages and elves, but it's still considered taboo on a lot of levels."

She shrugs again.
"I don't know. I guess... all things considered... When I was a kid, it seemed pointless, knowing I wouldn't get any choice in my husband. And then when I became a mage... it was always too dangerous. It's never felt like an option, so I've never let it be an option. Not even a consideration. Don't talk about it, don't think about it, don't go looking. And thereby help keep myself safe."

Somehow he's not all that surprised. There's entirely too many things here that seem daft and arbitrary, and pretty much everything he's learned about way mages and elves are treated here fall into that category. His mouth tugs off to one side while she explains, but when she shrugs, something in his face shifts, making his expression hard to read for a few moments before he finally goes to answer.

"What if..."

He breaks off for a moment, tongue darting out to moisten his lips briefly. It's a nervous gesture, not entirely outside of his control, but it gives him a few seconds to collect himself before he goes to say what he wants to say. He's not one for saying a lot when it comes to his feelings - certain ones, anyway. If someone came along right now and hit him on the head, he could complain about that without giving it a second thought. But when it comes to things like courting...well, that's a whole other story, and there's a part of him that's very tempted to turn the subject to other things.

If he doesn't say what he's thinking now, however, chances are he never will, and they'll just keep going the way they are forever. That wouldn't be the worst thing, but he also knows if he doesn't at least try, he'll regret it, much like he regretted the way things went with other people. After what seems like a small eternity (that in reality is only a few seconds), he takes a breath and tries again.

"What if you didn't need to go looking? What if there was somewhere here who was already interested, and didn't care much if something's taboo or not?"

She again goes very still, hardly daring to breathe, and her voice is soft when she speaks.
"What, exactly, are you saying, Jamie?"

"I-"

Words aren't working. They've never really done so, for him, except when it's a case where he's trying to convince someone to keep fighting. That he can manage well enough, but this...this is different, and try as he might, he can't find exactly what he wants to say to her.

So he decides to show her, instead, twisting so that he can face her properly - and before he can overthink the gesture, he leans in just enough to close the gap between them and kiss her. It's not meant to be intrusive, his lips barely brushing against hers - and he doesn't try to go for an embrace, giving her plenty of room to pull back if she wants to. But there's a definite intent behind the action, one that hopefully is clear enough even without his coming out and saying anything else, at least for the moment.

She doesn't resist him, but she does freeze up, she's startled enough. She'd have gone perfectly still if not for the fact she starts trembling.

"Jamie..." His name is a whisper on her lips, shaky and uncertain.

"Are... are you... sure? About... this? I mean... You know that this is... probably not a good idea... You know why..."

There's a second or so where he almost thinks that maybe she'll kiss back - that even despite what she's said that the kiss'll change things. That she'll be willing to take a chance, however small, and give him some sort of sign that what he's doing isn't completely daft. But when all she does is freeze up and then start to tremble, he pulls away, a troubled expression on his face. It's replaced fairly quickly by his protest, though, shifting to slightly more affronted as his lips press together briefly.

"I'd not have kissed you if I didn't like you like that, you know."

But then the look on his face changes again, back to something closer to that original troubled expression again. She doesn't sound certain about any of it at all, and he wonders if maybe he'd made a mistake.

"Only now I'm not so sure that I've not gone and done the wrong thing here. Not if you're freezing up like that. I'll not hurt you, you know."

Edited (One of those days) 2016-09-04 04:23 (UTC)

Oh, no... The look on his face... It hurts Kallian to see him looking like that. She bites the inside of her lip and shakes her head.

"No, Jamie... Please don't misunderstand..."

She falters momentarily. How to explain this...?

"There are so many reasons why we shouldn't do this. You're human, I'm an elf. I'm a mage, you're a rifter... One of the most despised men in Thedas considers me his daughter. The Inquisition won't last forever, and outside of it, there will be people, lots of them, who will not accept it. Elves won't. The Chantry won't. If this goes to its logical conclusion, we would never be permitted to marry, and children would be elf-blooded bastards. It will be difficult, maybe even dangerous, and I don't know what kind of a future we would be able to have. People may try to separate us, or shun us... And if the mystery of the rifts is understood or even solved and you are able to return to your world... what would that mean for us?"

She takes a breath, ragged at the edges.
"Jamie. You deserve to know exactly what you could be getting into. How risky it is. Tell me honestly, despite all of that, do you still believe this is what you want, that it's the right thing to do? I admit, I'm scared. Terrified, even. Because..."

Her throat is getting tight. It kind of stings a little.
"...because I can't have you getting hurt because of me. I couldn't bear to have someone else I care about suffering because of what I am. I... I lost my mother because of my magic. It was the day I got it. I didn't know what was happening, let alone how to control it. It started a fire, and when people came to help, they found my sick mother and... took her away... It was an accident, but still my fault. Your life is so much more important to me than mine. I can't lose you too. Not like that."

His lips press together again at that, something just a touch hurt coming into his eyes at the same time. Maybe she doesn't want him to be hurt, but it stings all the same that she's assuming he hasn't actually considered the things she's been saying.

"Don't you think I've not thought of that? I've fought in wars before, you know. They don't last forever, even if it seems like they will at the time. Things'll change at some point."

The Inquisition'll have to change with them, but there's no way of knowing what'll it wind up being once everything is said and done. Maybe she's right - but maybe she's not, either, and he winds up shaking his head.

"You know as well as I do I'm already friends with that same man who's not well liked around here, not to mention I'm a rifter. I'm not daft. I know what people think about that. Now, I don't know what'll happen with the mark. Maybe it's true they'll figure out some way to send us home someday. But maybe they won't. Or maybe I'll not even be around by then. If I spent my whole time worrying about what ifs and might bes I'd never do any living."

He falls silent then, letting his eyes lift and focus on her face, staying there for a few long moments, as if fixing her features in his mind's eye. Maybe he is, because after that he gets to his feet, looking down at her sadly.

"It's not a question of knowing what I want, or if I'm willing to take a risk, though. All I've been hearing is that you're so frightened of what might happen that you don't want to take a chance -- not just with us, but with any part of your life. I don't agree with it, but I'll not try and force you into something you clearly don't want. That'd be just as wrong all the other things around here. I'm sorry, Kallian, if you're not willing to take the risk, too, there's no point in my trying to talk you into it. And if that's the case...aye, well, maybe it'd be better if I just go."

Edited 2016-09-04 23:54 (UTC)

She makes a startled little noise, and suddenly, it feels like there's no air in her lungs. Tiny, delicate tendrils of faint blue light creep along her veins and brighten her eyes as she instinctively grapples for her spirit companion. And Hope answers her.

"Jamie..." His name sounds hoarse in her ears.

"I-I'm sorry..."

Leave it at that, urges the too-familiar instinct, stern as ever, Let him take it as a dismissal. Send him away. Protect yourself. Stay safe. You know what men do to elves. You know the only thing they want. He's no different, or he wouldn't have kissed you. Let him go.

Isn't he? Hope thrums in Kalli's head. He comes from another world. He hasn't learned to expect that. He promised not to hurt you. He's your friend. Trust in him. Don't leave it like that.

"You're... you're right. There's so much I'm afraid of. And I'm not brave. Or trusting. I flee. I hide. I don't do any living. Just surviving. I don't really know what safety feels like." She lowers her head, and feels something hot on her cheek. When she touches it, her fingers come away wet.

Stop there. Push him away. It's safer on your own and you know it. He deserves better than you, anyway. You're nothing. You're nobody.

No, you mustn't stop there. You've only told him what he already knows. Show him hope isn't lost yet.

"But things seem... different... a little... around you. Sometimes... I find a little courage. Enough to fight. Or save a life. Your life... is... precious to me. I do care about you, Jamie... I..."

Shouldn't do this. Nothing good will come of it.

Can't give up on it yet.

"...don't want... you..."

It's wrong. You know better. Stop before you get hurt. Before he gets hurt.

It could be a chance. Even just for a moment.

"...to go..." Her voice is soft, and it cracks at the end. She almost can't hear herself speak, the warring voices in her head too loud. But she looks up, eyes too blue and too bright, Hope's light in them.

That hesitation after 'don't want you' is just long enough that something squeezes in his chest, the feeling that he's been having throughout this that she's not interested building into something so very close to certainty that he very nearly turns and walks away then and there. Only the fact that he's still close enough to hear those faint last couple of words gets him to stop, and while he doesn't have that bond with Hope that she does, there's the faintest flicker of something like that in his eyes as well - just without the bright blue to make it that much more obvious.

But then practicality reasserts itself. Just because she doesn't want him to go doesn't mean that she's interested in him. At least not in the same way he's interested in her. She could mean that she just wants them to be friends, and it's the friendship that helps her find some courage. He's glad he can do that much, of course, but it's hard to ignore his own little voice in the back of his head that says that she's still not ready - or willing - to be more than just friends. It gets him to worry at his lower lip, his teeth scraping over the skin before catching and holding it in place for a few long seconds before letting go.

"So now what, then?" His voice is soft as well, with a gentle note to it that she may have heard a few times before. "You said you care about me and I've helped you find a little courage, but...och, I don't know. You've not even tried to kiss me back, and even with all you've said I'm still not so sure if you want us to be more than friends. I promised Anders I'd not force you into anything, and I won't. I'd never do that, not in a million years. But if all you want is friendship, Kallian, you need to let me know so I'm not hoping there might be something more between us someday."

She bites her lip thoughtfully.
"I... I guess I'm not quite sure. This is all very new and strange to me, and I'm not quite sure what to do..." she admits. "Friends is easier, but... When I thought I was going to lose you at the rift... I was so scared... I was sure if I revealed myself as a mage, my life would be forfeit... but I was more scared of losing you. I didn't want to live in a world without you in it. I... I haven't felt like that about anyone else before... I don't know if that's what 'more than friends' feels like, but it's new to me."

She cants her head, genuinely bewildered.
"What do you mean, 'kiss back'? I don't understand. We're just supposed to keep still and not resist..." She suddenly puts a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You startled me, but I didn't want you to think I was resisting. I promise, I'll be good. I won't fight or resist. I... I'd rather you than a stranger... Just... Just, please, make it quick and merciful..."

Friends may be easier, but it's not entirely the answer he'd been hoping for, even despite the words that sound to him as though maybe, just maybe, there might be something there after all. He's trying to think of what to say when she suddenly claps her hand over her mouth, leaving him confused at first - and then visibly alarmed as what she's saying actually sinks in.

"What? No, no, that's not what I meant at all." God, what must the men around here be like if that's her first reaction? "Kissing me back because you liked me, and wanted to kiss me. Not because I'm expecting you to do- och, how do I even explain this?"

There's a part of him that wants desperately to touch her, to reassure her that he won't hurt her, but he also knows if he does that she's likely going to think that he wants to use her like some sort of...of whore, only worse. The thought of someone doing something like that to her is enough to send a curl of disgust through him - and anger as well, a vague thing directed at a mythical man that still makes him have to resist curling his hands into fists. He manages not to do that, but only because there isn't anyone here who's actually hurt her like that. Instead, he keeps his distance and gives his head a quick, violent shake, trying to use that to at least get rid of part of those feelings.

"I'd never force myself on you. Never. And anyone who thinks that you should have to keep still and not resist while they have their way with you is wrong. I don't care what your society says about it. You don't treat women that way, and if I ever found out someone tried to do that with you, I'd kill them."

And that's only part of it. He hates the idea that she's thought, even for a moment, that all he wants is to use her and throw her away, like the other humans that seem to think she's so much garbage, and that shows in his eyes before he closes them and turns away a little, his voice going quieter once more.

"Look, I'd not meant to make you think that's all I wanted. I don't, I just- I-I shouldn't have said anything to you in the first place. All I've done was make things worse. I'm sorry."

"Someone probably will eventually. I've been trying to stave it off, but luck can only hold for so long..." Her tone is matter-of-fact, but she visibly trembles at the thought.

"I do like you, Jamie. I don't think that's the only thing you want. If I didn't feel safe with you, I wouldn't have asked you to stay with me during those nights. I trust you. And I don't think you'd hurt me more than necessary."

She toys with a lock of her dark hair.
"I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to. I've never been wanted before. I've usually done a decent job of keeping that from happening, and I've never had anyone to want, so now... I just... need a little time to get my head around the idea... I-I'm not saying no, just... Go slowly, maybe?"

"More than necessary? Kallian..."

He doesn't want to hurt her at all, but it doesn't seem like she's quite understanding that - and even if he wasn't upset by the idea (which he still is) he simply doesn't have the words to try and get her to see what he's trying to say. Maybe it's true that she just needs some time, but he knows how impatient he tends to get. And even if he does try to take things slow, there's the chance that he'll do or say something stupid without meaning to and then she'll be right back to thinking that he wants to take advantage of her. Or someone would see them and take steps to stop them, and one hand comes to up to rub at his forehead.

"I don't know, Kallian. Maybe you're right, and I shouldn't try. If I did something to hurt you, or said something wrong or-or if anything happened to you because of me, I'd never forgive myself. I- it's just better I go. Just...have someone send the cloak back to where I'm staying, alright?"

Not that he'll be there for a bit yet. What he needs is a walk, to clear his head - but even so, his shoulders slump a bit as he turns and starts to head away. No matter how much he tells himself it's for the best, it still hurts - and likely will for some time to come.

"Jamie..."

But he's already walking away, leaving the bewildered elf behind him. Kalli waits a few minutes to see if he comes back, but no, there's no sign of him. Silently, she collects the remains of their picnic, unable to rid herself of the sense that it has all gone horribly wrong, and more, that it's her fault it's ruined. Equally quietly, she builds the walls around herself a little higher, a little stronger. It's for the best this way.

Still, when Jamie gets his cloak back, he'll find it as part of a neat bundle. The bag and bottles are with it, everything meticulously washed and mended as needed. A single raven feather is carefully tucked in on top.

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[CLOSED] Crush Story

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