faderift | [closed-ish] revelations come at last

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[closed-ish] revelations come at last

WHO: Sina and anyone who wants a starter
WHAT: The diplomacy mission did not agree well with her.
WHEN: Some backdated to Harvestmere 4th/5th, some current.
WHERE: The healing tents or Sina's tent in the garden.
NOTES: Warning for some icky injuries and pretty severe downers!

"Adelaide," comes a cry from the gates, and the newly-conscious Sina removes herself from Herian's horse to stumble towards the healing tents, the darkness staved off by her glimmering shard, which is definitely brighter than the last time anyone here saw it.
"Adelaide," she wheezes again, her voice thin and desperate, an injured fawn bleating for its mother; but with this part of the courtyard filled with only unfamiliar faces, she finds she's not strong enough to keep looking. Sina drops to her knees and hugs herself, keeping the palms of her hands away from her arms in strange clawlike poses. "Ghi'lan," she sobs, her voice growing quieter.

This is only the beginning of a long month in which few hear from or see her, as Sina is spending it curled up in a ball on her bedroll. She resists eating, won't talk to anyone without persistence on their part, and ultimately seems at a total loss of spirit.

[If you'd like a starter, hit me up!]

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Having been largely off the map since her return, Sina has finally mustered the energy and presence of mind to sit at the opening of her tent and look out at the garden. She's as thin and pale as she was after her rift-induced illness, but this time the malady is entirely psychological. At least she's finally been persuaded to eat, and to stay awake long enough to give the day a chance.
That doesn't make it any easier.
She sits with her knees drawn up to her chin, gazing emptily into the middle distance.

Korrin has done her best not to be an intrusive ass the moment she hears Sina has returned, but her concern can only keep her away for so long. Upon hearing that her Dalish friend is awake and alert, she encourages Araceli and Lux to join her in seeking Sina out. They can stop by the kitchen, too, just to make sure she eats something. And yes, Korrin might already be forming plans to get her to the stables to see their latest acquisition, but one thing at atime. Upon stepping into the garden, the Vashoth woman strides over to wrap Sina in a gentle hug.

When Araceli came back from Craintellier, Sina was there. The exact timing of when she showed up she's still not sure of but it was definitely early, when things were painful, when it just hurt so much she could hardly explain why. Burly rarely requires a great deal of convincing when it comes to providing extra treats but right now it's easier when Araceli has a cane, and was hurting, and says that a friend is hurting too.

Letting Korrin hug her first, Araceli sets the supplies down so she can sit beside her friend more easily and wrap an arm around her. Lux squeezes into the space left, face in Sina's lap. Knowing from her own time recovering that she hated 'how are you' being the first thing she was asked, she ignores the question for the moment, watching her friend out the corner of her eye instead.

"I don't know what you like, so I asked Burly for a few things from the kitchen. A few different cakes and sweets, breaks up the monotony."

Sina has managed to go for a while without crying, but by now the desolation has permeated so deeply into her that she's not even sure if she can anymore. At least, that is, until Korrin hugs her. Being enveloped by the large presence simultaneously fills her with a sense of safety and reminds her of how little she is, and she bursts into tears, leaning into the now-present Araceli as she seems to collapse with grief. For the moment, she says nothing.

Heart aching for Sina at that (completely valid and supported) emotional outburst, Korrin looks over her head to share a glance with Araceli. It's difficult, knowing how little they can actually do in this scenario, but it must be even harder to be in Sina's shoes. So she adjust herself so that they can provide a comforting hug sandwich of ladies and fox. Her voice, usually loud and bold, is softer and gentler than what's ever head elsewhere. "Let it all out, Sina, we're here for you. Lux included."

Crying is good. Crying is getting something out instead of having it snarled up in your head or caught between your throat and your lungs. Even if it leaves you raw and aching, then some part of it is out there in the world with a voice and evidence instead of waiting to come needling at you in the dark from all the hidden corners.

"Suéltalo," she murmurs as soothingly as she can, voice very low by Sina's ear. Sina doesn't need to know what the words mean to understand their intent, not when Araceli rubs her back and Lux burrows in. "Te tengo a tí."

Switching back to a shared language, she glances at Korrin, wetting her bottom lip as she tries to decide how to go about any of this. "Do you want to talk? Yes or no? And do you want to talk about what happened, yes or no?" Because they're different questions and Sina, in Araceli's opinion, should get to make the choices. Even the little ones matter when you've had them taken from you.

Rather than give a solid answer to Araceli's questions, Sina just shakes her head, her tiny body shivering in their embrace. It takes her some time before she's able to get it all out, and when she does, she seems utterly spent and limp in Korrin's arms.
Sniffing wetly, she rubs the back of her hand across her eyes and shifts position, looking apologetically, but wearily, between the two.
"I don't..." she whimpers, her voice still quavering, "...know how to go forward."

Korrin shakes her head, a silent 'you don't need to apologize for anything' gesture as she strokes Sina's hair. "It's alright to admit that, Sina. Sometimes everything hurts too much to figure that out and the best you can do is to take it moment by moment. Even if it's just baby steps, it's still something."

She won't touch on the horrific event itself until Sina herself does, leaving it open for that but not wanting to cause more pain by pressuring there. Though some part of her wonders if that's even possible at this point. The urge to punch something surfaces, but she quickly squashes that down until it can be unleashed later on.

"Sometimes you have to step back because there's no way around or to see things clearly. Sometimes you have to step off whatever paths people put out in front of you and find your own, because you can always find your way back to theirs if you choose to. Or you can stay still until you're ready." It's a careful choice not to say until you think you're ready because the head and the heart (and sometimes the gut) all like to argue amongst one another, sometimes to the point where you could split yourself into pieces and still it wouldn't feel like enough.

Finding Sina's hand, she gives Lux a nudge so he won't lie there as dead weight forever and it has him moving to nose at Sina's feet and that's...well he's less in the way at least as she tucks her friend close, glancing at Korrin. A part of her wonders if this is what it was like, looking at her when she came back but she's not ever going to ask that though maybe she might share more with Sina now than she did before in the tent.

Memories of the event are still enough to freeze Sina in place, rendering her immobile and stuck in her own mind as she relives the terror of it, but she is fortunate to be in a position where that isn't being asked of her. She won't or can't talk about it, because it still makes her sick to do so.
She squeezes Araceli's hand back and buries her face in Korrin's shoulder, no longer crying but clearly not interested in opening up any further. Lux goes unattended for now, as she can't bring herself to project even an ounce of this awfulness onto an innocent being.

Korrin had been harboring a small hope that if anyone could get Sina to open up, it would be Araceli. Between the two of them, she's always better at that sort of thing, Korrin's own well-meant efforts feeling clumsy by comparison. But seeing Sina freeze up has her realizing that's not meant to happen, at least for now. Giving Sina a gentle squeeze, she gives Araceli a 'well, you tried' curve of the lips that isn't quite a smile. With time, she's sure her love can manage it, though at the moment her only real focus is keeping Sina calm and comfortable.

"Just breathe, okay? There's no rush, no pressure. We just want to be here for you, whether you talk or not."

Something awful tightens in Araceli's throat, catches and pulls when she sees Korrin's smile, something that has her looking at Sina again, biting down on the inside of her lip until it stings.

"It gets better." How many people have said that to her? Too many no doubt, and isn't that what they're saying to her just now? And she...she can't quite meet Korrin's eyes when she takes an unsteady breath to say the next part, instead keeping herself close to Sina as if it's just them, the way it was in the tent when she was unwilling to share. "I still-- Some things scare me now Sina that didn't before? I didn't want to hurt you then by telling you but...no one had hurt me like that, the same way I don't think anyone has ever hurt you like this. What happened to me and to everyone else was awful but the worst part when it was over wasn't the thing that the physically did, it was the-- it was the knowing. Knowing they made that choice. Knowing that they wanted to do that. The only way I moved forward was because when I could think, and that took a long time, longer than I wanted to admit, was because I didn't want them to have power over me. I didn't want them to win. I didn't want them to take me away from the people I love and that love me, or the things that I love.

"And I know, querida, I know it is so hard to remember that right now when you could just lie down and let the world wash over you until the world ends but your heart is still beating. And there are so many people here that love you, and will fight for you, and will fight with you. None of them are going anywhere. When you are ready...that's still there." And if there's more Araceli wants to say then she can't, not right now because her voice is a raw whisper at the end as she has to fight not to squeeze Sina's hand too tight, able to taste the salt in the back of her throat though the tears she manages to hold in check for the moment.

Although many have tried to open her up, only Araceli has hit the nail on the head so thoroughly.
Sina is still crying, but she stops and looks at the woman, giving a small, desolate nod. She leans further into Korrin, acknowledging her presence and comforted by her warmth, all the while watching Araceli with mutual understanding.
"I'm sorry," she says to her-- for the human's own pain, for the things she couldn't talk about. "I..." She hesitates, on the verge of saying more about her own situation, but has to lean her head on Korrin's shoulder for strength.
"...I had no... idea. That." Tears begin to spill anew, but she powers through them. "...that we could be this way." We, the Dalish. Those who suffer the most from lack of unity and from being hunted by other races, but can still, somehow, afford to attack and torture one another.

For a selfish moment, Korrin almost wishes that she was alone with Araceli to properly respond to her kadan's monologue. Hearing of that pain tears at her own heart, as proud as she is at Araceli finding her own strength. The fact that she had to go through such horror to find it in the first place has Korrin blinking back tears even as a sad, proud smile forms as her love had found a way to get through to Sina. At a rare loss for words, she nonetheless tries to push back the lump in her throat while holding them close. This isn't about her, or even Araceli, not right now. Sina's pain needs to be front and center. Those tears prompt a light squeeze, as she brushes her lips against Sina's head.

She sighs softly; there may be a lot about the Dalish that she doesn't know or understand, but she knows what it is to be an outsider in Thedas and never be allowed to forget it. "Everyone has the potential for that kind of darkness. Some people lose sight of everything else but their own pain and lash out...even at those they never should. That's what happens when they dwell on their own for too long and forget to look, really look, at those around them. They forget or stop caring that others have their own pain as well. When that happens, everyone loses."

Some things are easier to deny, to hold back because admitting them means that they're real. Once they have breath then that gives them a life of their own to sit at your table, to walk in your shadow, to wake up with you, and worst of all to taunt you when you should be sleeping. Not that they don't do that anyway but once they're out there, it's not just you seeing them. And you wonder what other people might see.

Or maybe that's just being too aware of herself now. A year as a rifter and it was the rifter part or at least the shard in her hand that had marked her out as something they wanted, something to be poked and prodded and pushed so close to breaking.

Agreeing with Korrin is easy, perhaps hard for Sina to hear but probably necessary too. Araceli understands people living together and in a group, thinking for the common good but her home is far larger than all the Dalish clans put together and more like human towns and cities where there are problems they can easily admit to as she finds herself nodding along. "People are people. There's no shame in loving your people or where you coming from, holding it dear to your heart - you know that I do that Sina - but the world is a world. It's so much bigger than whatever boundaries we make for ourselves or others make for us."

Comforted by Korrin's warmth and the soothing lilt of Araceli's accent, Sina, while perhaps not fully convinced, is at least beginning to come down from her place of total despair.
She's quiet for a time after they've finished speaking, gazing thoughtfully into the middle distance, her eyes still brimming and red and tired. "...I wish my Keeper was here," she confesses quietly, "she would know what to do." Apart from Merrick, Sina is the youngest Dalish present by years, but is also the one who holds the most power and responsibility within their clan structures. A relative child can't be her own mentor any more than she can be her own mother.

Nodding in full agreement with Araceli's words, certain there's room holding guilty parties to account and not having that contradict one's love for their people, Korrin glances down at Sina when she finally speaks up again. "We can attempt to contact her, can't we? Where would the clan be around this time, do you know? If there's a way to send word, we'll find it. You deserve to have your clan's support, too."

Knowing just how badly she'd wanted her own mother when she'd been recovering, Araceli nods and sighs. "If it comes to it, I know a few people that owe me some favours. Scouts would do better than soldiers when they're out, getting word back more quickly..." It's only an idea but it's doing something. Or taking the steps in the direction of it so that she feels less useless than she might.

"This will be a time for you to decide too though. How much this changes you. How much you let it change you." People might not have blamed Araceli if she wanted nothing to do with Ruby. If she'd said that Ruby was a danger to them. But she didn't and eventually when Sina is able to see things clearly again then she can bring that back up if she has to, but it's just thinking aloud because hearing voices that aren't talking about you is a strange sort of comfort instead of the snarl of noise in your own head.

Sina shakes her head, regretting the request, but also fully appreciative of their support. "She'd never come here," she replies, "I... wouldn't want her to." Then Clan Dahlasanor might be in danger too, and they're too small of a clan to be able to hold their own against... the others. Should they decided Dahlasanor are traitors too.
"I'll... write to her in time. Soon." Sina nods to herself, and then again to Araceli. She thinks about it briefly, then just rests her head down again, the very idea making her tired. How much should she let it change her? She's not sure it hasn't already, entirely outside her control.

"Take your time. You'll find the words when you're ready, Sina. I know you will." She knows what's best for her own clan, so Korrin won't push matters, and time is probably needed anyway. Their offer can still stand if Sina changes her mind later, if clarity gives her a different perspective. But if it doesn't, then they'll respect that.

"You'll have plenty of time. Messages take long enough and getting up and down from Skyhold is already bad with the weather being what it is." As impossible as it'd be for everyone to have sending crystals - nothing would stay secret, and if it comes down to it then Araceli knows that she'll value that before she values several other things - it'd be good for Sina right now. But why bring up things like that now. "If you feel like a change of scenery, you know where our room is too, yes?"

Does she? Araceli can't actually remember so she looks to Korrin because Araceli isn't really in the room often enough to always know who does and doesn't know where it is.

Sina nods mildly, calmer at least if not happier. She vaguely remembers where their room is: it's... somewhere in the Keep, among all the other rooms the humans live in. And others. She's one of the few who has actively chosen to remain outside in a tent, but walls make her anxious.

"Thank you," she says to both, and lets that be that. Sometimes, sitting quietly with friends is the best medicine.

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[closed-ish] revelations come at last

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